Help me with this..

[NU_BLUE]

Sorry for the long post.....

 

My gf, whom I've been dating for the last 6 months, just broke with me about 6 weeks ago (nc since then). Here's the background; we're both in college and about to graduate in the fall. I'm 24 and she's 23. We got hooked up through a friend of hers before Christmas of last year as a date to go to a banquet together. It was good after that, everything was good. My parents loved her and her parents (or mom) loved me.

 

Her family was small, she had no dad around and only had her mom and grandmother as family. Mine was the direct opposite. We hung out during the weekends and went to school during the week so there wasn't any smothering. She told me she loved me and I told her, etc. I feel in love with this girl because she had some truly great qualities. We had some little arguments every now and then but that's normal and we got through them.

 

After college was out for the summer she got a job and that's when things started to go downhill. This is because I think there were (and still am..) some money issues with her mom. She and her mom have always had issues from what I gather. Anyways, she broke up with the first time around the beginning of June with the reason "It's not fair for you because I work all the time and I can't see you...let's be friends." I was very depressed...but told her I understood her situation and if she felt better that way then that's the way it should be. As I said everything was mutual between but I was still depressed, however.

 

That lasted about 4 days and I ran into her and she thought I was mad at her and I said "no." So she calls me back about 2 days later saying she was sorry and didn't want me mad her and she proceeds to tell me all her feelings on me between her and her mom (which involved a lot of crying, etc..). She told me she "hated her life and couldn't trust anyone.." I told her she could come to me if she had anything she wanted to talk about. She called me later, again, wanting to come hang out with me. I was thrilled! We hung out from about a week and everything was great. She spent several nights at my place and me several nights at hers. I even asked her what the situation was now and she said "It's the same as it was last week, you're my bf."

 

To make her feel better, a few days later I went and bought her a gold bracelet, a card, etc and I called her and told her to come by after work.. She did and accepted the gift and liked it a lot....Or so I thought...

 

The next morning she calls me about 7:30 and tells me she is going to drop some of my stuff off at my place which I needed later that week. She gets there and I know something is wrong right off. She is mad at me and I have no idea why...She gives me back the bracelet and says "I

don't deserve this." I was like the *beep*!? She goes on to tell me that I'm lazy and I live off my parents and I never have any money, and my parents didn't raise me right, etc ,etc....Very mean stuff. I was very shocked, angry, and very heart broken...I couldn't understand it. There was no sympathy or anything, she didn't even want to argue about it or listen to me. She just said all that and left.

 

All this, despite me listening to her difficult situation the week before. It was like I pissed her off by buying her a gift....In my own defense I don't have time for job because of school and I do receive money from my parents (she doesn't.) and neither did she for the past 6 months and we both had money to hang on the weekends. I think there was lot going on behind the scenes between her and her mom that I didn't know about.

As I've said, that was about 5 weeks ago and I haven't talked to or seen her since.... In hindsight I think there was a lot of jealousy and bitterness issues with her about me and my family and I have no idea why.

 

My parents loved her and took her all sorts of places when I took her to visit them over spring break. It's like she couldn't take it out on her mom so she did it to me. I'm depressed because I can't understand how a good relationship can do such a 180 in so short of time; almost over night (at least in my eyes..). What I mean by this is that I think she had been keeping a "mental tally" on me and I didn't know it. She'd had problems in the past with her family and I have a feeling (in hindsight) that this reflects in her relationships. I do remember her saying something like (because this happened around Father's Day), "It was Father's Day, where the hell was my daddy?!" and "You should be lucky your parents are there for you!" Also, how can someone who likes you so much and you like them say such hateful things?

 

Now I realize that she may have been keeping stuff from me because I never saw her acting like this. I feel like I almost got cheated because she didn't give me a chance to express my feelings and I love her very much. It was an awesome relationship and I would give anything for her, but apparently that wasn't enough for her...One thing I can say is that I feel I didn't do anything wrong so my conscience is clear but I'm depressed because she's not around anymore. If I would've done something wrong like cheated on her, said something mean, etc then I'd feel bad and tell her I'm sorry but I didn't do any of that!….

 

I hear a lot of people saying that they have problems of trying not to call their ex's, I've haven't really had this problem because I've told myself the truth of the situation by saying "Why?! Why, should I call her back it, will not lead to anything good." If I was in the wrong then I would've call her back and tried to sort things out. I'm not going to though and it has made things better for me and she has done a me a huge favor by not calling me back and I'm just now seeing that.

 

On a side note I'm not waiting around on her because I'm not going through this again…Couple of things:

 

1. Is this girl worth dating again in the future? (I know, this is very subjective…)

 

2. How long should I go without contacting her or at all (it's been 6 weeks nc)?

 

Thanks for reading my post!

[DN]

she seems as if if she has a lot of isues that she has not dealt with. I think you would be better off letting her deal with those issues on her own.

 

Maintain no contact, get over her and then find someone who will not treat you like that because of things in her life.

[phishgirl]

nu-blue, it sounds like NONE of the problems in the situation are yours. Your girlfriend? has a LOT of hangups with both her mother and the absense of her father. Advice first off: DON'T pretetend that you're the 'father' figure in the absense of his place-it seems that she wants someone like this, but in mu own personal experience, it ONLY ends in failure and feelings of 'domination' and 'control' of the relationsihip if you try to console her lack of a father figure. Instead, take on a sympathetic role-validate and reassure her feelings of inadequacy, and let her know you support her, without ANY other trigger words about her family until SHE brings it up. Obviously, it's a sensitive subject for her. She needs someone there iin her fragile state (you) to tell her she has EVERY RIGHT to believe in her neglect and feelings of lonleniess in being rejected. Assure her htat although those whom she wishes are not there right now, that YOU ARE. capble of followiing through with your goals. and desires, with or without her. And LISTEN to this advice. Come-back relations will come backl to a confident, strong individual. Believe me.

[NU_BLUE]

Been away for awhile.....

 

Yes, I agree with the replies. She has alot of baggage that is associated with her family and she never explained to me and I figure this ultimately undid her. You would assume that if someone had some issues they could at least tell them to someone even me, but apperantly not. I should have known this when she called and told me before the second time that and I quote "I hate my life!" and "I can tell anyone anything because I don't trust anyone even my mom..." This line of talk should have thrown up some red flags. I told her she could talk to me if she needed any help. This is all in hindsight though.....

 

As much as it hurts she did have a right to break up with me as anyone does. However, she had no right to say the things she did and thats what really broke my heart. I guess to her, though, it was justified and why, I don't know. I do think if I were to ask her now not even she would know she really broke up with me. The mean stuff she said really hurt me because I love her so much but I guess I'll never why because I'm not going to call her back. She'll have to tell me on her own terms. As for me, I must move forward and sometimes that is very difficult even after 6 weeks of nc.