cheating

[PLAYBOYVANE19]

im 19 years old, i been married for almost for 4 months been with my man for 3 n half years, i love him but i been cheating on him for like5 months i ve cheated bef n he knows only about one i kissed, but ive had kissed like6 and had sex with 2 besides him, a 27 year old guy (puertorican) and a 18 year old hondurian) im spanish 2 so i like spanish guys more, my bf is guyanese(westindian) so we dont have stuff in common like language but i love him and i been cheating bad

, like i sleep over my other(bf) like twice a week and stuff n he tell em he loves me n i do too and we have had always unprotected sex, but im using bc, i know it aint the same but im dumb wtf u want me to say i feel abd cuz i have 2 guys telling me they love me n i tell both i do as well, and this new guy even presented me as his gurl to his mom and everything and he soo sweet but i luv my husband

wats wrong with me ? why am i doing all these

bythe way i been wit my husband since i was 16 he my first.

by the way im stupid as hell i had unprotected sex wit all of those 3 guys

im crazy i know

 

helppp meee

my guiltyness is killing me

helppppppp

[Darkshadow]

Love is your choice, but comes only with dedication. You obviously are not dedicated to your husband. You seem to be more dedicated to being with other men than being true to your husband. I suggest you ask yourself why you are married to your husband, and why you love him. Think deeply about it and remember why you chose him. You will have to tell him what you have done against him for your love to be true. It is his choice to forgive you or to justify your actions by leaving you. You must learn to accept what you deserve. I highly recommend that you stop before it spreads on to further more dramatic problems between you and your men. Choose who you love. May it be all of them, so be it. But you are engaging in an endless struggle that will be justified in the end. Remember to express your truth. How can he forgive what he doesn't know? Build the courage out of your shame. Realize that it is in fact YOU who is responsible for the choices you have made. Have some respect for yourself.

 

Sadly disappointed,

-Tony

[arwen]

You seem both too young and too immature to be married. I agree with Darkshadow-- you are responsible for what you did. You need to get yourself and your husband tested for STD's right away. Your husband deserves the truth, especially since you had unprotected sex. Did you get a pregnancy test?

 

Ilse.

[HajiMaji]

Not only that, it sucks for your husband that you are sleeping around without protection. If you were to give him an STD he would be very angry im sure. He probably feels that unprotected sex is safe with you (assuming you both were clean before marrige) but really its not.

 

Cheat on someone if you want to break thier heart. Its a really terrible thing to do to a person (just read these forums).

 

Come clean with your husband immediately. At least you can start getting rid of your guilt.

[DN]

The simple fact is that you are making choices to do these things. Every time you sleep with another guy that is a choice you made - and you could have chosen not to. Don't blame stupidity for that, no one is that stupid.

 

There is no magic wand that anyone on here can wave that will stop you cheating - you have to make a decision not to and stick to it.

 

In the meantime, and especially because of the risk of STDs, you have a moral duty to tell your husband. You say you love him - now is the time to prove it.

 

If he decides to stay with you you will need couples counselling. Additionally, whether he leaves or stays, you need counselling by yourself to understand why you are doing this.

[cichlid]

One, tell the hubby and stuff.

Two, get the two of you tested for STDs.

Three, realize you are married now.

[Cyndane]

You have to tell your husband so you can both get tested for STDs.

 

I agree with DN - cheating on your husband was a choice you made. I hope you give some thought as to why you married him and stop using love as an excuse to justify everything.

[Hope75]

Everyone else has pretty much covered what I want to say, the question is, if you were cheating when you married your husband, and you undestand what it means to marry someone (i.e commitment), why did you go through with the wedding?

 

I agree with other posters that you were awfully young to get married, esp, when you already knew that you clearly don't know what you want from a man or relationship or you wouldn't be sleeping with other men.

 

Others are right-- you have a moral obligation to tell your husband what you've done.... he and you both need to be tested for STD's. You should know that many types of STD's can show no symptoms for a long time, so the people you've slept with could give you one without even knowing they have it, and you could give it to your husband and not know, meanwhile destroying your fertility and your husband's, and ultimately risking both of your lives. Does this sound like something you would do to someone you profess to love?

 

I think you need to talk with your husband, let him know what's going on and from there the two of you can make a choice to try and repair this marriage or file for divorce, and if you do decide to try and work it out, you will both need counseling, and you may do well to seek some on your own, to find out why you feel the desire to give yourself away to so many different men, a definite lack of respect for yourself.

 

Let us know what you decide.

[RayKay]

Why did you ever get married if you believe that *commitment* means sleeping around with other men and cheating on the man you committed yourself too...you sound WAY too young, selfish and immature to have gotten married at such a young age to a man you do not give much respect & dedication to.

 

I think you have some very immature and misguided understandings of love going by how frequently the word gets tossed around, and by how you treat that love.

 

What is *wrong* with you is that you are not accepting responsibility for your own actions...you made a choice to get married, and should of made the right choice then to NOT sleep with other men!

 

You need to tell your husband, because you ALL need to get tested for diseases. And I really hope that if you feel like still doing this, you leave your husband first before you do. He may leave you on his own once he finds out...but that is HIS decision to make now. In either case, you both are going to need some counselling or professional help I think to address the issues that have arisen.

 

Maybe one day you will realize how cruel you have been to your husband, and likely that will be the day someone does this to YOU.

[jna35]

The other posters have said what I wanted to say so perfectly! Youth is not an excuse for cheating on your husband and not using protection. I got married at 19 and would NEVER dream of doing that to my husband because it would hurt him so deeply and moreover- I love him and respect him! You definitely need to come clean with your husband and get to the doctor to be tested for STD's! If you honestly love your husband then he should be the one you are most attracted to and want to be with. I think you may want to redifine the word love.

[DI93]

I may be reading to much into your post, but it sounds as if your are proud to be cheating on your husband. U told us your cheapers race and your husband. Why would you do that? U could have just wrote. I am 19 and cheated on my husband with two guys. Why tell us your race, your husband and the ones of the cheapers?

 

 

Maybe your doing this to hurt your husband. Bring shame to him and his family. Unprotected sex means that u don't care about your body nor do u care about your husband.

 

U could get pregnant and u won't know who the father is, but your husband will think it is his and love and care for that child. His family would love it. ( which in the guyanese traditional way, the most unthink crime against family. Leting your husband love another man's child)

 

If u get an STD, then he will know and feel some sort of Shame.

 

I know many Guyanese people and they don't like interacial marriages. They would literally disown their children. Talk behind their backs and certainly not make the person feel welcome in their family circle.

 

Can this be a reason why your cheaping and hurting your husband, because they won't accept u becasue of your race. If i am wrong, i apologized. If i am right u need to talk to husband and maybe u both should move as far away from them as possible.

[Caldus]

Wow I've never seen anyone toss around the word 'love' so much before. I don't think you can begin to understand what love is if you're off cheating on your husband. And you keep doing it yet you feel guilty? You're creating this whole problem yourself. What is wrong with you is that you are very confused and ignorant of what a marriage is all about. You're probably sleeping with other guys because a) you have no self-control b) the satiation of one's libido for want of attention and esteem.

[PLAYBOYVANE19]

for all of u, i know i have no excuse for cheating but, i dont want to lose my man cus i lov him but he is a very angered person he would get mad and yell at me cuz i wanted to go out and he lost his parking place , or he would call me stupid and hit me many times , and why i dont leave him its cuz he always says sorry and i believe him, hes the kindqa guy that would make u happy as hell one day and and feel lika piece of crap the next, he disappoints me all the timer but i believe hes the only guy i can make a future with, but all that anger and all that name callin makes me go wit other people who been reallyy nicee to me as sweeet as him,

[Caldus]

for all of u, i know i have no excuse for cheating but, i dont want to lose my man cus i lov him but he is a very angered person he would get mad and yell at me cuz i wanted to go out and he lost his parking place , or he would call me stupid and hit me many times , and why i dont leave him its cuz he always says sorry and i believe him, hes the kindqa guy that would make u happy as hell one day and and feel lika piece of crap the next, he disappoints me all the timer but i believe hes the only guy i can make a future with, but all that anger and all that name callin makes me go wit other people who been reallyy nicee to me as sweeet as him,

 

Honestly, I don't see a future for you two. You're just going to keep doing this cheating business (as you had to come here to ask why you keep doing it) and I don't think your capable of a marriage yet. Not because you're too young, but because you're being very unfaithful with the marriage. Sounds like your husband is pretty immature too if he's hitting you sometimes. I really don't think your marriage is going to work out in the long run.

[stressed1]

Firstly,

 

agree with many other posters, what u feel for ur husband isnt love under any definition. dependency maybe, but not love.

 

Secondly, him hitting you is enough for you to leave. Your cheating is an action andindication that you desire to leave, however maybe at the moment ur self esteem is so low u cant do it. the self esteem thing comes back because u have unprotected sex and care little or nothing for urself and ur body.

 

the race thing is purely an excuse. it could be anybody? look at ur actions clearly, and if u cheat again make a bond to urself that if u do thats it, over.

 

sounds a dreadful marriage, cant see any future at all.

[Caldus]

agree with many other posters, what u feel for ur husband isnt love under any definition. dependency maybe, but not love.

 

I really think it's dependency. As I said before, she is tossing around the word 'love' all over the place when she doesn't even love these people. Why do so many people do that these days anyway? Are they really that blind to their own actions?

[simulacra]

Firstly, I think it is possible for you to feel that you love your husband. Who is to judge, really, on what love means to a person. We all love someone in our own ways and by our own standards.

 

I think everyone is reacting strongly to your post because you are married, and marriage, for the most part, is a chosen committment. It is not as if you were forced into it (ie. arranged marriage), so it was a choice on your part. And because it was your choice (and his) you should see that you have made a committment of monogamy to him and uphold that committment.

 

That being said, if you weren't married and sleeping around, I think the opinions of people regarding your situation may be a bit more forgiving.

 

My view?: regardless of how much you love your husband and how much he means to you, you are not ready to be his wife. You are not ready to be in a committed relationship such as that of a marriage. It's not only because you are too young to be married (which you may or may not be the case; that is yet another opinion), but your whole outlook and sense of responsibilty. You are still in the mindframe of taking care of your own needs first and foremost. That is the mindframe of a person who is single and wants to experience all they can in life. That mindframe is fine - just not when you are in a marriage.

 

You should strongly consider being honest to your husband about everything: your actions, your feelings, your needs. You should get counselling if you want to change for the better or make a real adult decision to let him go because you cannot be what he should have of you in this marriage.

[Caldus]

Firstly, I think it is possible for you to feel that you love your husband. Who is to judge, really, on what love means to a person. We all love someone in our own ways and by our own standards.

 

I don't see the logic.

 

Saying you love someone + going off the next day and sleeping with some other guy + saying she loves these other guys = Not love.

 

I agree with the rest of your post though.

[simulacra]

I agree there is probably some sense of dependency/security there, and probably a lot of other things in the relationship besides love that is keeping her. Those elements of their relationship may also contribute to her feelings of love. So that's why I say you can't really judge how or why somoene feels love.

 

I don't think she says she loves those other guys (they love her, they claim).

[RayKay]

 

I don't think she says she loves those other guys (they love her, they claim).

 

 

Nope..she says she does too:

i have 2 guys telling me they love me n i tell both i do as well

[Caldus]

I agree there is probably some sense of dependency/security there, and probably a lot of other things in the relationship besides love that is keeping her. Those elements of their relationship may also contribute to her feelings of love. So that's why I say you can't really judge how or why somoene feels love.

 

And what about her saying she loves other guys while she is in a marriage?

[simulacra]

Comment noted about her loving those guys too. (I didn't catch that when I read it)

 

I still think that people's criteria for love are not the same. When you love someone (in a marriage or otherwise) it doesn't always necessarily mean you love them over your own needs or your own self. IF that were the case, we would all be telling battered spouses to stay in abusive relationships, wouldn't we? Anyhow, when you love someone, you also must think for yourself. And in this case, she is probably only thinking for her own self good. So while she may be cheating and treating her husband with disrespect in doing so, she can still feel that she loves him and is attached/attracted to him emotionally.

 

If you are saying she doesn't really love her husband (because she's cheating on him, or treating him badly) then by that same argument, she also doens't love those two guys because she's disrespecting them too. It's kind of a circular argument, really.

[Caldus]

If you truly loved someone, then you wouldn't even bother cheating on them in the first place. Yes, of course we have to look out for ourselves. But cheating is a selfish need and says a lot about much you care about the person you're supposedly involved with in the first place. Would you think someone could still love you if they said they love you one night and the next night you find out that they said they loved someone else and cheated on you? You still think that's love? I don't. She loves none of these people. She's just into the 'security' (if you can call it that) and dependency on the husband in this situation and probably using those other people for temporary relief from her abusive husband.

 

By the way here's a definition of love:

 

"A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness."

 

And solicitude means:

 

"The state of being solicitous; care or concern, as for the well-being of another."

 

Thus implying that you would at least care quite a bit about someone if you loved them. So then you go off and cheat. That's called not caring and thus it shouldn't be love in my opinion.

[Cydeways]

your hurting someone in the worst way.