abused, pregnant and miserable

[orange soda]

This is the first time I've ever posted to any online forum but my life is so out of control that I need to speak to others with a similar situation b/c its really hard to talk to family and friends.

 

I've been with my fiance for a year and a half. Things have always been a little crazy but I just assumed it was b/c we were crazy in love. I should have seen the warning signs at the beginning of our relationship, but i completely ignored them. Jealousy, insecurity, you name it, it was present. Things started to get really out of control around November/December. Our fights usually ended up with his hands wrapped around my throat trying to strangle me. Things got progressively worse and by March he had sent me to the hospital...on my birthday. I was covered in bruises and hand marks, cuts, i had a fat lip and my cheek hurt so bad I thought for sure it was broken. Luckily it wasn't. Everytime he does this to me he always apologizes, goes to couseling, and downplays all of the incidents. Sometimes he even has me believing that maybe things aren't as bad as they really are. The emotional abuse is even worse. I feel like i'm "walking on eggshells" all the time. I constantly have to think out each sentence carefully to avoid saying something that might make him mad. He's constantly berating me and making me feel stupid. Always yelling at me for eveyhting i do. I feel like i never do anything wrong in his eyes. And the name calling just tops it all off. I am called the "C" word on almost a daily basis. Je interrogates me when i don't feel like answering my cell phone. he assumes i must be cheating on him. and he is always on my case about what i wear to work every day. i dress very professionally. i run and office and would never dress inappropriately but he gets mad at everything i wear. The worst part about all of this is that he turns it around on me and tells me I'm to blame for his behavior. He tells me that I'm crazy and i need counseling. Its so frustrating. NOTHING IS EVER HIS FAULT.

 

I am 4 and a half months pregnant now and feel like my whole world is crashing down on me. We got into a huge fight the other day and we've now decided to live apart. We own two houses and he is living in one while I live in the other. We decided that we need to make this work or at least be civilized to one another for the baby but he is continuing to be rotten to me. He is blaming our last fight on me when i was just upset and needed to talk about it. i'm the kind of person that when something bothers me i need to get it off my chest and then i forget about it. he doesn't like to talk about anything. he likes to ignore me and give me the silent treatment for days until i just break down and apologize b/c i can't take the tension anymore. well he slammed me against the counter the other day and pushed me on the ground. i don't understand how he could do this to me when i am pregnant with his child. he still blames me for this. he claims it was self defense when all i tried to do was grab his arm so he wouldn't walk away from me. it was not aggressive but in a loving way b/c i just wanted to talk about it and resolve our issues. i hate fighting. i mean seriously, he is a tough guy, so he's using the self defense cop out on his 120 lb pregnant girlfriend....so pathetic. so now we're barely speaking and i am so upset about everything and i don't know where to turn or what to do. i know everyone will say to leave and get out of this but i love him and i don't want to raise the baby on my own. i want a family and i want him around i just wish he could act normal.

[DI93]

are u away from him now?

[yokohama_mama]

 

 

You need to get as far away from him as possible, as soon as possible, and don't come back. This won't get better, this will escalate. I don't believe what you feel for this person is "love", it's a very unhealthy attachment. He's not going to improve when the baby comes, and your child will be severely damaged watching his mother being beat, and possibly he'll beat the child too.

 

Get away, and if you don't think you can raise this child on your own, consider adopting him to a stable, loving family--that would be a noble act of love on your part

[avman]

Hello orange soda and welcome to the forum.

 

I do understand that you want to make this relationship work, but I need to give you a harsh dose of reality. His definition of the relationship "working" and your definition are completely different.

 

His definition is that he controls you completely. He dominates. You are there to serve at his pleasure.

 

Your definition is that you two work together to solve problems. You are equal partners. You love and respect each other.

 

As you can see, these are completely different definitions. While you really want him to fall in line with your definition, he insists you fall in line with his. This quite simply isn't going to work.

 

In healthy relationships, one partner does not attack another. They do not belittle each other, or try to destroy each other's self-esteem. They do not make their partner responsible for everything that goes wrong in the relationship. They do not call each other names. This does not mean that healthy relationships are perfect. But it does mean that there are reasonable ways to resolve conflicts.

 

Your fiance is not a healthy person.

 

Sweetie, your fiance is an abuser. Plain and simple. You may not want to believe it - but it is true. Read what I have just written here 100 times until you understand it. Because your life depends on it.

 

I'd like for you to look into some counseling for yourself. You have been through a lot with this relationship. And the counseling will help you unravel everything and start putting your self-esteem back together. You can find free counseling at any womens crisis center. If you need help finding one, send me a private message and I will help locate one for you.

 

I know it is scary to think about raising a baby on your own - but you can do it. Trust me on this. There are many, many resources available to help you. This includes financial help, legal help, childcare help, and so on. You are not the first person who has been in this situation. And I know other members on here can step up and help you also.

 

Please, for your own sake and for the sake of your child - leave this relationship. Right now. Not tomorrow, not next week. Leave today.

 

As scary as it may feel to be on your own and raising your child - you will be unable to do anything if you are dead. Love yourself. You deserve a better life. Take the first step. We will be there for you.

[lisica]

It is beyond my imagination what you are going through. The first thought that crosses my mind is that you should do everything now to protect your baby. It is not even born and he is hurting it already by attacking you. OMG.

 

You say that you walk on egg shells not to upset him, but a little baby does not realize this! It will cry and make him upset and God knows what he will do to it. I mean, dealing with an unreasonable crying baby can already be an ordeal for "normal" people!

 

If I were you, I would immediately start taking all possible steps to keep this monster of a man out of my baby's life. He is the father so I assume that he will have legal right to see his child. If I were you, I would start gathering all kinds of evidences of the way he has been mistreating you. So you can go to court and show them that your child is not safe around this man.

 

I respect the fact that you love this man, but having a normal family life with him is completely unrealistic. The first priority in your life now is not that man, your love for him or the fact that you want to be with him. The first priority is the love and protection you have to give to the child growing inside of you.

[Hope75]

Hi orange soda,

 

I posted this on another poster's thread when she came here with a smilar story to yours, I believe you posted on her thread as well.

 

Welcome to enotalone,

 

was just where you are now, not too long ago. I lived with my abusive, alcohlic, drug addict ex fiance for 5 years, from 8/94- 11/99,

 

During that time, he punched me, choked me until I was blue, kicked me, slammed me into the wall, raped me, slammed my legs in the door, pinched and scratched me, and knocked me down. He threw a bowling ball at my head and nearly killed me.

 

He was severely depressed, and didn't trust me, so he isolated me from any male friends, even one of my gay best friends. He told me if I left, he would kill himself and it would be my fault. I believed him, and I too, stuck by him for a long time. I took care of him much like you take care of your bf. I would miss so many days from work when he hurt me, or didn't trust me. He would call work constantly to check up on me.

 

He was in and out of work, he would work for a few months, have a "problem" with authority figures telling him what to do and quit. I would support us working 60+ hours a week at a dry cleaner for months at a time. I had to go to the food pantry (where they give away day old bread and dented cans of food, soft and rotting fruit) to feed us sometimes.

 

At one point he punched a wall and broke his wrist and was out of work for a month, and right before they were to remove his cast, he fell while drunk and broke his ankle, and was out for a another 2 months. It was hand to mouth for us every week. We ate alot of Ramen noodles.

 

My ex didn't have a license, and I had to drive him/us everywhere. When I couldn't afford the car insurance anymore, I had to take my car off the road, and I got hell for that too.

 

I stayed with him for a long time past loving him, it became more out of fear and obligation. I know what you are going through, believe me, and I know how hard it is to get to the point where you feel like you can get out.

 

My parents were never abusive to each other or us, I never grew up in an unstable home. They knew to some extent what was going on, (the hospital called my father on one occasion, when my ex was arrested there for going ballistic and attacking security guards and doctors when I took him there to get help because I found him cutting himself at home.)

 

I cry when I think of my dad getting out of bed and coming to get me at the hospital at 3 am, and then when I refused to leave my ex, sitting with me in the waiting room until they let me see him, in 4 point restraints, cursing and spitting at me.

 

It's hard to let them in, and it's embarrassing. I know how hard it is to come out and tell anyone what you are going through. They don't understand why you stay, and how you put up with it.

 

I also want you to know that you can get out, when you are ready to do so. I did it, and I am here today, and doing well. I'm in college for the second time and have found love with a wonderful man who treats me with respect and love.

 

Listen to me, becasue as avman said, your life depends on it.

 

 

Your bf is not going to change. It's the same ol' song and dance every time isn't it? He's always sorry, he tries counselling, he tries anger management, he swears it will be different next time, and it never is, is it?

 

That's because he isn't interested in changing. Words are very easy to say, but following through with actions is where the real intention lies. Honey, he won't change. Believe me, I have five years' worth of scars telling me that, and you know what? My ex still beats his wife, and he did when she was pregnant with their baby too.

 

These men are cowards. I know it's hard to believe, but they do this because they are insecure and afraid, and nothing we say or do can change that.

 

You are putting your baby's life in danger every day that you stay with him. Do you know that?

 

This has to be about you and your baby now. He is not going to provide you with a stable family environment, ever. That baby comes before anyone, and he put his hands on you while you were pregnant. He will not stop at any cost, and it will only get worse.

 

Where is your family? Will they help you?

 

Here is the number to the The National Domestic Violence Hotline:

 

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

 

Call them. Call your friends. family, anyone you can to get help and get out of there. It's that important.

 

Listen to me:

 

One day he will put his hands around your throat and he won't let go. If you've had your baby by then, he or she will watch your family bury you.

 

PM me if you need to talk. I am here for you, as everyone here is.

 

Hope

[DN]

Everything that the other posters have said is right.

 

You don't say where you live but there are many resources to help you and many can be found on the internet - like this one:

 

link removed

 

You now have baby that you must protect. Don't make excuses for this man, you must look after yourself and your baby.

 

It really is time to take control of your life and that of your baby and move away from him. In a sense, you will be doing him a favour too - he would end up in jail if he seriously hurts you or the child.

 

Don't delay any more, don't consider giving him another chance. You are in too much danger for that.

 

Good luck and take care - of yourself and your baby.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

If you stay with this man you are fifty percent at fault for the abuse.

I don't care what anybody says, you do have a choice.

As far as the child is concerned I do not think this baby needs Ted Bundy for a parent. Get away from him and if at possible do not let him know where you are at.

[iamwhoiam]

your post has me choked up.

 

do you have family around? close friends?

 

your fiance needs professional help. by being in his presense, you are risking him hurting you and your unborn baby.

 

it is imperative that you find a way to get out of this relationship immediately. i know it's easier said than done, but until he gets help, your situation will not change. i'm afraid he will act irrationally, and seriously injure you and your child.

 

i am a teacher. i work with children, some of whom have witnessed or been victims of abuse-emotional, mental, physical. the consequences are severe and some are irreversible.

 

please do this for yourself and for your unborn baby. it is not healthy for a child to grow up in an abusive environment.

[annie24]

If you stay with this man you are fifty percent at fault for the abuse.

I don't care what anybody says, you do have a choice.

As far as the child is concerned I do not think this baby needs Ted Bundy for a parent. Get away from him and if at possible do not let him know where you are at.

 

Orange Soda - You are not at fault for the abuse, but your life and your baby's life depends on you leaving him forever!!!

 

This man has some very serious problems. I hope you have listened to other people on here, but if things keep going the way they are, he'll kill you and the baby.

 

Sent to the hospital on your birthday? He's trying to downplay that? No, he's not going to "act normal." He's not a normal person. Please call these abuse lines, get as far away from this man as you can. He is very dangerous, and no amount of you trying to fix things is going to work. You have to leave and protect yourself and your baby.

 

If you want a family, there are plenty of other men out there that will love you and not hit you and have the more "normal problems," like not doing their dishes and leaving their shoes all over the place. Choking you? Bad. Really really bad.

 

It is hard, but you need to get away. Please call these organizations, find out the safest way to leave this man.

 

good luck

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Annie how much is a victim is someone who stays?

That isn't a victim, that's a participant.

She got her advice on here. Now she should know he is abusive.

[DN]

People tend to stay in abusive relationships because they are scared that the alternative may be worse.

 

They get accustomed to the abuse and worry that if they leave they will financially destitute, homeless, and dependent on strangers. They worry that they will lose their children because they can't properly look after them, that they will end up in strange, unfamiliar surroundings entirely different from their home.

 

They think they will lose their prized little possessions because they have nowhere to store them, that they will lose any friends that they have, that their families will either not understand or be so overprotective as to overwhelm them.

 

They worry that they will never find anybody else to love them - and that even love from an abuser is better than nothing at all.

 

They worry that they are worthless and somehow deserve the abuse that is heaped on their heads, that they will never be good enough, that they will never be clever enough, intelligent enough and that this is their punishment for being so useless.

 

They have been browbeaten, mentally and physically, and can't see their way out.

 

They worry that even if they do leave, that their abuser will find them and hurt them, or kill them, or hurt or kill their children and they don't trust society to protect them, because they can read the newspapers and they know that abusers have tracked down their victims and hurt or killed them.

 

These people are walking wounded and they are not always rational, or sensible , or responsible.

 

They are hurt and they need help - kindly, supportive help, from people who only have their best interests at heart; and who know that these people have been abused enough, that the last thing they need is to be told that they are responsible in any way for what happens to them - because that is what their abusers have constantly told them already.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

These people are walking wounded and they are not always rational, or sensible , or responsible ---

 

They are given the advice they need. If they don't use it that is then it becomes part their responsibility.

Consider this. In anything else where denial, self-induced ignorance and the ability to make a choice comes along we say you got a responsibility to make a decision here. But now when it comes to people being abused? Nonsense.

The fact that she has a child now makes her responsibility even more crucial

[annie24]

The pregnancy has added a whole new dimension to this. Did you know that until a few weeks ago, it was illegal for a pregnant woman to divorce her husband in Washington state? Unfortunately, since she is carrying his child, he may have some rights over her, depending on where they live.....

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Annie if that was ever challenged I remain dubious esp in an abused victim situation that it would hold much water.

They had a law in Boston until a month ago that said native american indians couldnt enter the city but nobody ever enforced it.

[annie24]

Actually - yes, that is exactly why the law was finally repealed a few weeks ago. A pregnant abused woman was trying to get a divorce sometime recently, but the judge wouldn't grant it until the child was born, so the paternity could be estabilished. That's why the case got national media attention, and then the attention of the state legislature, and that's why the law was just overturned a few weeks ago.

 

link removed

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Annie well if the law forces somebody to remain with the husband they have my fully sympathy but after the fiftieth time somebody has told them to leave in an other wise situation esp if they have a kid there is some responsibility on their part which makes them at fault if they do not

[Hope75]

Napolean,

 

Do you have any idea what it's like to be a victim of domestic violence? Any idea what that does to your self esteem, courage, strength, hope, common sense?

 

Have you been in this situation?

 

I have. I am an intelligent, attractive, willfull and brave woman who almost died at the hands of someone I loved. It was not my fault.

 

By the time an abusive partner gets their hands on you, you are so broken down you truly believe you are worthless and deserve what you are getting. You have no support system because he/she has gradually isolated you from all or your friends, you are so embarrassed and afraid to let family or anyone know you've let this happen to yourself, that you would rather die than ask for help. You feel completely alone and helpless.

 

You see no way out and feel no desire to live beyond the everyday struggle of trying not to upset your partner enough to get pounded. It's exhausting just getting out of bed in the morning, let alone think about leaving and starting a whole new life and really being able to get away from your mate and be safe. It is that bad.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Hope at the point in which you gained the resources necessary (the knowledge that others would help you out of it once you informed them) and were empowered with the knowledge you needed to make that decision THEN it became your responsibility to leave (esp if you had kids).

Staying because of "love" is itself not commendable once you know you are the victim and others have heard and are willing to help you out.

I am going to presume you eventually made that decision if you are here discussing it with us today. If however you remained with him purely out of love after he was abusing you because you thought you could change him, after you were told to leave, after you were informed it was abuse, after you had the physical means to leave, then it became in part your fault until you left.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Dn very familair with that syndrome. Everybody is, I think.

Now. Here is one for you. Ever heard of DSM 3?

I bet you have. It is where these definitions come from.

Every heard of Dr. Spitzer? he is probably the most influential psychiatrist in the world right now (I have met him and was briefly treated by him and his students).

He is probably the most responsible of all the doctors for what goes into the DSM 3 and what does not.

He is the guy who chiefly got homosexuality taken off the books in the early seventies.

Ever heard of masochistic personality disorder? probably not.

he invented that term and tried to include it but it didn't happen because the womens right groups cried out that it suggested that the victim is at least partially to blame.

So the psychiatric community bowed down and took it out.

Now here is the difference between your definition and mine.

In your definition you have a gun held to your face twenty-four seven.

It deals with kidnapping and hostages.

In mine, the victim is at least unwatched part of the time which gives her (or him) an opportunity to slip away.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

By the way if you want my (Non observational, experience) sources you can either check out january 2003 of the New Yorker or perhaps even google it.

Some women do not want to face the reality of their decisions once they really know what is going on and stay out of a pure need to be loved by the partner.

However abuse translates over to both genders apparently when it comes to emotional abuse and it can be just as contemptable a decision to remain with someone who emotionally abuses you constantly in the worst ways possible.

[DN]

orange soda - I hope you will read the links I have posted, they may give you a better understanding of why you are in this situation and how you can leave it. Some kind and understanding people have given you very good advice - particularly Hope, who has been through a similar situation and so has a particular understanding and sympathy for your plight.

 

You can summon up the courage to leave, you do not have to be bullied and oppressed by him. Get the help you need from local support groups and post on here to get more help and advice from people like Hope.

 

Unfortunately in this life there are people who want to bully, abuse, demean and blame. Avoid or ignore them for you don't need that sort of treatment. Look for people who will love you, support you and care for you and your child so that you can do the same things for them because they deserve it.

[Hope75]

Hope at the point in which you gained the resources necessary (the knowledge that others would help you out of it once you informed them) and were empowered with the knowledge you needed to make that decision THEN it became your responsibility to leave (esp if you had kids).

Staying because of "love" is itself not commendable once you know you are the victim and others have heard and are willing to help you out.

I am going to presume you eventually made that decision if you are here discussing it with us today. If however you remained with him purely out of love after he was abusing you because you thought you could change him, after you were told to leave, after you were informed it was abuse, after you had the physical means to leave, then it became in part your fault until you left.

 

Napoleon,

 

I trust you have not been in this situation, and no one can truly speak of blame until they have been there.

 

While it's true I was eventually empowered by my own knowledge and realization that once I asked for help I was surrounded, but I knew it was abuse long before that and had people trying to get me to leave, I just couldn't conceive of it, I was so afraid and exhausted. I didn't think I deserved a life with out this kind of punishment.

 

There were alot of reasons I stayed.... I was afraid of what would happen to him if I left, as he blackmailed me with threats of suicide if I left, I was afraid he would find me and hurt me worse for leaving, he told me he would kill me if I left, I was so brain dead and completely exhausted from merely living every day that it wasn't even something I could see. I loved him in some way, but it become more like a mother-child love, a feeling of responsibility for his well being than a couple type love. Yes, I hoped he would change, though I think i knew deep down that he never would.

 

I do not have children, but the stakes are that much higher when a woman does. there's the factor of support, where they will live, what he will do to the woman if he finds them and what will happen to the children then, threats of suing for custody... it goes on and on.

 

Placing the blame on orange soda, on me, on any woman who feels trapped in an abusive relationship is not going to help her leave. She feels little sense of respect for herself and by blaming her you only make it worse. Trust me, I know, first hand.

 

It was not my fault, and until you have walked a mile in my shoes, or the shoes of any other battered woman, especially one with children, I ask that you do not pass judgement.

[Hope75]

orange soda,

 

I apologize for your thread becoming a debate on whose fault it is in an abusive relationship... I think you and I both know the answer to that. I also hope that you will check out the links that DN posted, and that you will contact the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, and you can always PM me if you need or want to talk, I am here for you, and I know what it is to be where you have been.

 

Don't be afraid to reach out.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Hope I think you are taking a great deal of my argument out of context.

Regardless orange, get away from the monster. etc etc