You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[SuperDave71]

guing,

 

 

I still disagree with the drugs and alcohol thing. I think you missed my point on this one. I am referring to using drugs and alcohol to NUMB THE PAIN.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

i dont want her back with all my heart but thanks for postin this...

[SuperDave71]

You are welcome Jay...

 

Take care of yourself out there!

 

 

-SuperDave71

[dreamguy]

An old old thread that I read everytime I come to this forum.

Very inspiring and most of all... very true although it's very hard to do it.

It's so painful not to contact your ex even if months go by and you don't hear from them !

Good luck to everyone in this situation. I'm in it, starting from yesterday.

[guest77]

I do have a little interesting story to tell on this as well. After my first love broke up with me many years ago, she moved on and met a new guy got married, had a kid with him and so on. After we broke up it was hard but i did not want to have any contact with her because I respected her decision and thanks to God there are plenty of other girls around. She even moved and lived in another state. After 4-5 years she came back to my state and asked to get back what we had in the past. I certainly refused her offer. I am trying to say from the male perspective, that girls do not like cry-babbies. They usually like bad boys much more. By not contacting her and moving on with your life the way you should you show her that you have enough self-confidence and strength to move on. They see you there as success and they want you back.

 

That's what I think at least.

[rokston]

great thread. not sure i will ever manage to digest all 144 pages of it but i get the message

 

trying to do semi-NC - which i define as not initiating contact and not replying to meaningless sms, email, how are you style calls. want her back so if she wants to talk properly - bring it on otherwise ... NC and move on.

 

good luck with it everyone!

[SuperDave71]

Dreamguy,

 

 

I agree.....It is sooo hard to do but the benefits are crucial for moving on....as well as avoiding potential mistakes.

 

 

I wish you all the best of times...

 

 

You can do it!!!

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[cryinbear]

Dear Superdave,

 

thank you very much for posting this list. I am going through a painful break-up right now. We dated for nearly 9 months and although short, we spent almost every night together for the last 4 months. During the course of our 9 month relationship we NEVER fought. We were both honest, loyal, caring - to ourselves and to each other. We entered the relationship under the impression it was a fling and before I knew it, 9 months had passed. We were both in graduate school together and knew that immediately following graduation she would be moving accross the country, thus indicating our separation date. Foolishly, I tried kidding myself thinking that perhaps a long distance relationship would be a possibility. Then 3 weeks ago, I was offered a position in the same city she would be moving to. She clearly put it to me that our relationship was never intended to be long term, she was moving on with her life to knew challenges, and that we were O V E R. Friends. We broke up on Friday. Prior to her departure on Wed of this week, we spent 1 last night together and she made it very clear that boundaries were established and we were just friends. I know that in order to heal, I need to limit contact but the ONLY thing I want to do is hear her voice, know where she is, if she is even missing me. She claims to be the type of person who doesn't look back, who doesn't miss someone..... and I am inclined to believe her. I am now trying to decide if I should take the job in her new city - I am afraid if I am there I will be there to try and win her over. I know that in order to move on, I have to let go of her. BUT how do you let go of someone who was so wonderful - caring, beautiful both inside and out? Someone who inspires me to be a better person? Someone who was inspired by me to be a better person (as she said).

 

I will take your advice of limited contact, but how do you know when to let go and when to not. If she says it is over, how do I get my mind to accept this so that IF I end up in her city and I see her dating around, i won't be hurting?

 

And more importantly, how do I get myself to stop waking up and immediately think of her? I start my day off crying and it is so painful.

[bear12]

cryin---

 

i really, REALLY think the only thing you can do to get over her ASAP is NC- not LC.. ppl told me this over and over and over and i just never listened! and still want to contact him but i know i shouldn't... it really just keeps you hanging on! look at it this way: all she wants is a friendship anyway, right? if you go six mo. w/out talking to her i don't think she's suddenly going to be like "oh, you lost your window- we can't be friends!" her friendship will always be there for you... and keeping in touch is just going to f*** w/ your emotions... every time you talk to her or see her name in the email line or whatever it tricks your mind into thinking maybe there's still something there or maybe you'll get back together, etc, etc... it's horrible. i did it to myself. and it's so, SO much worse! let her go for now--- and when you do run into her in the future you will be happy, confident and able to start a friendship with her if that's still what you want.

 

maybe occasionally it works for some people, but given that you wake up crying every morning (admittedly five months later i STILL sometimes do this!) it doesn't seem like friendship is something you can handle right now. you're in the worst of it right now. if you treat yourself right and do what's best for you it WILL get slowly easier and easier...but if you keep hanging on you might end up like me and be pretty much in the same place come next fall!

[bear12]

ps: your ex does miss you. it's natural.. but this doesn't matter. after my ex and i first broke up we made the mistake of talking about this. he'd say how much he missed me and that he still loved me and was sorry but that it just didn't work. this too gave me false hope.

 

i made the mistake of again looking for this assurance from him last week and instead got the very different: [bear], i'm in a relationship.. i have only platonic feelings for you. please stop talking about us. we're over." that was extremely painful to hear. it's not a pattern you want to get into. just accept that it's over period. even if she does miss you, what's the point? she doesn't want to be with you. she's made that clear and anything else is irrelvant at this point.

 

and yeah, i know i'm not superdave, who's kinda the expert but as someone who went through pretty much the exact same thing i really wish i could have given myself this same advice a few months ago... i might not have followed it (and i bet you won't either) but i bet that just like me, you'll someday really wish you had...

[cryinbear]

Bear12,

 

I know I should take your advice. Given the relatively new break up status, it is SO hard not being able to talk with her. We spoke a number of times today online but I called tonight and now she hasn't returned my call. I feel even worse and I know that I should not do make that mistake again. Instead if I don't call I find myself sitting near the phone hoping that maybe she'll ring me.

 

I guess there is nothing left to say other than I miss my companion. I miss my friend. I just miss her and I feel sad.

[SuperDave71]

cryin,

 

You can do it!!

 

 

-SuperDave71

[cryinbear]

It is late and I should be trying to sleep but I can't. I want to hear her voice....to feel the comfort I felt while in the relationship with her. How do you just get yourself to calm down to rest? How do you just get your mind to stop thinking about the ex? I am in a city where I don't have many friends and with my impending move, I am uninclined to reach out to new people. Additionally, meeting new people takes so much effort. How do I convince myself to let go - to step away from the computer (hoping to see her come online and drop me a message)? To put down my phone and stop staring hoping she'll call? Why do break ups have to be so brutal?

[bear12]

i know, i know, it's really hard... and hopefully you wont' have to deal with this but it's even harder when you find out your ex is NOT spending his/her nights alone but you have to remember that the break up is very recent and it's totally normal to be feeling this way. most people go through it at some point in their lives. it's like recovering from a surgery or something. it hurts really bad but it's just something you have to go throgh and it'll get better w/ time.

 

a few suggestions: force yourself to think about something other than the ex.. it's easy to get lost in your thoughts... try watching some funny TV before bed, reading a good book, or looking at old photos of good times w/ old friends BEFREOE the ex (i find this is helpful b/c it helps you remember that you were and can be really happy w/out them in your life). if the thoughts are beyond overwhelming so that you can't do these other things, try writing them down in a journal and then try to put them out of your mind.

 

i really think this will get easier with time...it does for most people... however, it didn't for me - the thoughts were completely overwhelming and obsessive and i felt like i was in the aftermath of the break up for months on end... just recently i was perscribed some anti-anxiety meds that really have helped so far... they allow me to sleep and not feel like the break up is the end of the world. i'm still sad, of course, but my emotions aren't totally overwhelming and i'm having a much easier time focusing on other things in my life. but i def. don't think you're to that point yet! be easy on yourself! what you're going through is totally normal.. i know it hurts but try to keep yourself busy and allow it to pass... and DONT CONTACT HER!!!

[SuperDave71]

Cryin,

 

The worst thing you cam do right now is contact her.....I know its hard...try to keep yoru mind occupied on something else if you can.

 

We are here if you need us....

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[cryinbear]

Why is it that no contact is the solution? I know I give the same advice to people all of the time who are going through break-ups, but I just want to know if she is thinking about me like I do her. I know she is out enjoying life right now - keeping herself busy nd I am sitting home alone with nothing to do but stare at my computer and watch tv. My family lives far away and my friends have scattered accross the country. I have been through one major break up before and it took me a LONG time to recover. I just wnat to get yself to stop sitting in front of the computer HOPING that I see her online. How do you build up the courage to just step away? How do I know and convince myself this is for the better? how do I not talk to someone who was and became one of my closest friends?

[Jvc21]

Well, imagine yourself actually calling her. How would you feel afterwards? The assumption is that you'll feel better. However, the fact remains that she isn't coming back. So you've just tricked yourself into short-term happiness followed by long-term healing. You'll end up adding weeks and months to your healing that could have been avoided.

 

NC is the way to go. Trust me and SuperDave.

[cryinbear]

This list serve has been so helpful. You are all so wonderful and supportive and you have no idea of how much I appreciate it. I knw you are right - yesterday I tried calling and didn't get a response back. it was driving me crazy.... it hurts. But when i speak with her, I find this calming wave of emotino coming over me. Here is my new delimma - and advice needed: I have the option of going to my friends cabin in the woods with a group of people who dont really understand what I am going through. OR I can book a flight home to my parents. They are willing to fork the money so I can have some TLC. it's either that or sitting home in front of the computer hoping she'll call. I dont know what to do bec. ultimately I want to see/hear from her but I know that isn't smart. any thoughts?

 

 

Also bear12, I am glad to hear you have found something to help with your anxiety. I know this is a painful process and in my herat of hearts I know we will all recover and be ok. I will eventually accept the inevitability that my relaionship is over and return one day to the self confident person I was prior to this relationship. But right now, it's so hard to even think about....... to know she is..... not suffering like I am. I hope that your reccovery process improves now that you can get your life back in order.

[melh14975]

I've been reading through these posts and perhaps I got a bit impatient or I haven't looked around enough, if so please direct me. I'm pretty much convinced its over and this time next year he'll be married to her even though he never married me but... that little part that says if there's a possibility, how do I not wreck it and heal myself anyway so that if it doesn't happen I'll still be good. We need to communicate about our son but I need clear boundaries, and when I've tried to talk about it he gets upset- but if you read my other posts you'll see it hasn't stopped him from going out tonight. So what do you do when you have to negotiate a parenting relationship? NC sounds great to me. I could do with a break. So is it as simple as I only talk to him about our son? I still want to be friends - which I know is not possible right now even if he thinks it is. I need to get distance emotionally so I don't go off into floods of tears. I'm really good at not making phone calls because I hate the phone.

[NCGoodfella]

I have come back to this post so many times, THANK YOU FOR POSTING IT! But with NC it is so hard when you have to see the person at work everyday. I hope to make it through today and let her go home for the weekend (where she is never to speak of me) and hope I feel better come Monday. Thanks again.

[bear12]

well, the realiziation i'm starting to come to is that i can't look to my ex to make me happy. it's not his responsibility anymore and we're not gogether anyway so what's the piont of knowing whether he's sad and miserable too or wonderfully happy? and if i really loved him isn't it kind of bad for me to feel better if he's miserable too? i mean, if he wanted to be with me he wouldn't have dumped me, so even if he is sad and missing me, what good does that do? we need to not worry about them AT ALL and just find what makes us happy...(other than them!)

[cryinbear]

Well put bear12. What you say has merrit. I only hope I can come to the point in this break-up that I feel and believe what you write. Since yesterday, I have not tried to contact my ex. Granted it has been less than a week that we split and spoke online yesterday, I know if I hear her voice today I may feel good for a few minutes but the pain will come back. I want this to heal so that we can be friends again. We were amazing friends prior to our relationship and I hope that sometime soon we can go back to being friends. I need to let go of the hope she'll come back. I need to know and believe in myself that if she doesn't come back, I will be ok. I need to know for myself that I was ok prior to this relationship and will again be ok. The strong, motivated, encouraging person I was before is what attracted her to me and over the last 2 months (given the knowledge that we were breaking up when she moved away) I became a bit (ok maybe more than a bit) clingy. However, I can't help but think, what if i return to that person - is there hope or is this really over?

 

I know logically break-ups occur not becuase we ourselves are not worthy but rather because for whatever reason the other person wants something else, something different, something that isn't you. It's hard not to internalize this and make a personal statement towards us the one who was broken up with, but we all need to remember this is not the end. I forget who said this (and admittedly this is paraphrased not a direct quote): no one can make you feel inferior but you. We are incontrol of how we feel and I can choose to let this break-up wreck my life for the net month - agonizing over what the *could-be's* the *might be's* the *would have beens* but ultimately, it makes no difference. my ex always spoke her mind. She was incredibly stubborn. When she decided something she moved forward - which is why I am inclined to believe her when she says she won't look back at this relationship or miss me, but rather she is moving forward onto bigger and better things. I cannot read inbetween the lines to try and decipher if perhaps there is hope for a rekindling of romance. I think if we all just listen to what each other is saying, take for face value what our ex's have said, and look deep within ourselves, we will realize we have the power to control the situation. They may be the one leaving, but we are the one who can decide how to react. At this very moment I am obviously feeling strong. Truthfully it's a facade. The ONLY thing I want to do right now is pick up the phone and call. I know the outcome - it will go to voice mail and i will agonize over why she hasn't returned my call promptly or even at all.

 

Yes, this sucks. Yes it HURTS. Yes we will all miss the ex. But if I keep holding onto hope that I will remain a priority in her life, or if I continue to hold out hope that maybe this is a bad dream and I will wake up only to find her laying next to me.... then this hurt will remain for longer.

[cryinbear]

Ok scratch my previous post because right now at this moment, I am STRUGGLING not to pick up the phone and call her. I don't know why I can't just call...I know that if she doesn't answer I will be hurt. Why doesn't she call me? I just.... I dont even know why I want to call. Becuase I am bored? Because I miss her? Because I want to know what she is doing? I don't even have that much to say really....I just know that I want to talk to her.

 

Why is this?

[schueysgirl]

Cryinbear i dont know either...but i feel exactly the same. Why hasnt he called me? Why wont he call me back? Why doesnt he want to speak to me? It is all so hard. I just know i want to talk to him. But i know he wont say what i want him to say so why bother? Only i can make myself truly happy...but right now it is just so hard and i knoe exactly how you feel xxx

[cryinbear]

Thanks Schueysgirl. Honestly, my break up is so fresh (she officially left on Wed. but the break up took place last week - but it feels like months ago) and it is SO lonely. This list serve has been phenominal though - a great outlet. When I feel like contacting her, I write to the message board. It's incredible at how supportive people are on this message board. it gives me hope that good people are out there!

 

I am supposed to making a 5 hour drive in a little bit but can't rally myself the energy to get in the car. I havne't slept well. I am not eating and I know this is bad but I can't bring myself to over come this sinking feeling.....

 

I think quitting smoking would be easier!

 

GUH! The frustrations - it's so bad becuase in my mind I am raging a war - I know if i call I will feel worse. If I dont call I feel anxious. Tell me again why calling would be bad? OY. You are right though, if either of us called our ex's it would not deliver us ith the answer or message we want "everything is ok, I miss you and I think we should give it another shot." Or worse yet... no answer, no response, no text.