You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[OCD]

I'm new to this forum--but saw OCD's last post, about being the dumper and doing the right thing in the process. My ex dumped me out of the blue about 11 months ago, and we never talked about it until today, when we met to go for a walk on the beach.......

 

Hi ediefy and all....I've taken a break from this site, but I still check in now and again because of the tremendous help its given me...and I couldn't help notice your mention of one my posts here on SuperD's thread.....thanks I think your story is interesting in that it took 11 months for you to get an apology...that's crazy...I thought I had it bad when I had to wait a month for one Any how, I have talked to my ex since Jan....it's a been a long hard road to hoe that's for sure....I still miss her even though I'm dating and actually have found some new interests in my life, perhaps another long term relationship in the works, hurray for me!!! I've made it through my b'day and Easter without hearing from her and I have been thinking about her today for sure, but I had so much fun, I wonder if she had as much fun, if she even thought about me, etc...can't help it, those thoughts are still there, I love or "loved" her....any ways I wish the best for you ediefy and I'm sorry you had to wait almost a year to get that apology, it's amazing how people throw away things that are good in their life, thinking it's not what they want or that they think something else is better out there.....I'm not sure if I should even be on this thread any more as far as getting back together, but this is where I started so I feel comfortable being here, still having that glimmer of hope deep down that she'll come around...wishful thinking....I'm not ready to call her nor do I think I should....she threw everything away and sort of just wanted a friendship, I still can't do that and don't think I ever will...call it what you want, but I gave her everything about myself and to have it thrown away is the worst.....I don't think I even have a chance any more, but I'm really into this new girl I've been speaking to....she's actually an old friend I went to school with and she found me! Very cool stuff....I'll let you all know what happens...take care....

 

OCD

[Belgian girl]

maybe doing the polite thing and not giving much more further information. I can't make up if you want him back by the way..

[jumper]

Heres the deal. I have read and read. What really is NC? I mean, I already made the big mistake yesterday, before I found this site. She told me to back off on Sunday, and on Monday I was bringing her breakfast. Our conversation went on Sunday from, we need to build our friendship back and maybee something can happen, to Monday; "Maybee I did fall out of love with you and I dont think there is a chance we will ever work out" this was after the breakfast, after stopping by her house that day for lunch (which she told me not to do) and writing her three emails. Does she mean it? I told her I would back off. What if she calls me in a couple of weeks? Do I not answer the phone? She has a lot of pride, and I am afraid that if I do the NC too long, she will just say forget it. Anyone?

[bobo85]

"Maybee I did fall out of love with you and I dont think there is a chance we will ever work out"

 

After hearing this, you should have given her a lot of space. I'm talking about no visits, phone calls, text msg, emails, gifts, letters, nothing. She basically told you she needs time to evaluate her feelings for you and if she wants to be in a relationship with you. Give her all the time she needs. She will contact you when she is ready to deliver the good or bad news.

 

Good luck and let us know how it turns out.

[NubianLove]

How long were u guys together? what was the nature of the relationship? I think the only thing u can do is abide by her wishes and do strict NC

[jumper]

We were only together for five months, but heres the deal. She is only 25 and has been married three times and has a kid. I am 31 and have been married once, so we moved quickly and basically lived together for those 5 months. She was extremely clingy and jelous, I mean I couldnt even take a shower by myself. I backed off quite a bit and became distant because she was smothering me. I told her I was smothered. She went from one extreme to the other. Now she got me to go after her. Stupid me. I mean Sunday, we were laughing and we hugged and kissed. I should have left it there.

Question still: Does NC mean that if in two weeks she calls me, I should not answer the phone or return her calls? Some better insight please

PS. I am really glad I found this site. People here are very helpful

[richmoge]

Hi guys. I just started reading this site yesterday, and it's been extremely informative and helpful. I actually posted a thread yesterday (for more info. see "What should I do?")and got some pretty good feedback, but I wanted to ask superdave and anyone else for some more advice.

 

My ex were in along distance relationship for about 19 months. We had a very difficult, up and down relationship because, when I met her she was still in a 3 1/2 year relationship with someone else for the first week we met. Their relationship had been on the rocks for awhile because he had a problem with alcohol and, when he drank too much, he became verbally, emotionally and finally physically abusive. So she jumped right into a relationship with me.

 

Soon, however, he wanted her back, and she went back and forth between us for many months enven though she was supposedly "with me." She lied to me about talking to him, and the trust was destroyed. Because of all of the lies and the "back and forth," I became insecure, needy, and for the last 2 months of our relationship, she said I was smothering her.

 

About two months ago, we both agreed to do NC. It lasted about 2 weeks, and I called her. She said she needed more time. Two more weeks and she called me, but I could tell she wasn't ready. Then 2 weeks ago she statred calling me everyday, and I started to get my hopes up again. I should say that I am actually moving back to the city where she lives in about 6 weeks. So I thuought I would go up there, and we could take it slow.

 

However, a week ago she told me that she has been in a relationship for about 1 month, and that she loves me and always will but she is not "in love with me" right now. She said that I am very important to her and she wants to be friends. She also said that when I move back there we should go out to dinner and hang out some.

 

So what should I do? More NC. Only answer her calls and play it cool?

[nicorette]

hello. i was just reading this site it has helped me a lot. now i was wondering if any kind people out there could help me out with my situation!

 

okay me and my boyfriend of a year and a half broke up 10 days ago. the first week pretty much i was begging him back and whatnot, then i came accross this site and realized it was the wrong thing for me to do!

he has came over a couple times within 10 days to make sure im okay, but the reason we broke up was because he said he needed space (were both graduating, under a lot of stress, aren't sure of what we'd like to do after graduation and whatnot) so anyhow he was supposed to come over last night (to just hang out as friends) yet he said he couldnt cos he had to go help out his grandma. instead of me getting angry im like okay, sure. and hes like well wait im relaly sorry, iim lik eno its fine im going to go to teh movies wtih someone else then it doesnt matter! hes like well who? im like i dunno ill call ppl, but i should probably go. hes liek wait! well im so sorry im liek its fine okay dont worry. and then im like im gonna go though, bye. hes like wait! ill call you tomororw im liek okay...bye. hes like wait i love you im like okay love you(i probably shoudlnt have said that) and hes liek bye baby im liek bye.

 

i think nc was starting to work. i know it wasnt complete nc, but the reason i answered the phone was because i thought we were hanging out today. the thing is, were going to grad together in a few weeks. i really want him back. but he gets off work at 6:30 so i think im not gonna answer his calls. i honestly think waht id id on the phone worked..because he was all liek wondering why i wasnt sayin how cute he is or how much i love him and crying and he was probably wondering why i didnt give a * * * * that he couldnt hang out. of course i cared, i just acted like i didnt. this site has honestly inspired me. iknow it wasnt full nc but do you think at least it kinda made him clue in at all? i have to continue doing it, i know that. its just he calls me like everyday. when we broke up he said we could get back together, he just wasnt sure he just needed space. and i knwo no other girl is involved in this. and i know its true that he acutalyl does need space because i had a huge talk with his mom right after we broke up and she told me. advice anyone?! thanks!!!

[SuperDave71]

Nicorette,

 

Talking to the ex's parents is a HUGE no no..no matter how close you may feel to them. The ex will usually take offense and feel like they are being spied on even if this is not the case. It is better to start N.C. rather than try to communicate with your ex's best friend, parents, family, the dog, his 3rd grade teacher....etc etc...

 

 

Just let them go.....for now.

 

 

 

-Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[eendjuh]

hey superdave, I've got a question for you

me and my gf were together for 4 years,

at first she wanted two weeks for her own, so think about our relationship, but she didnt really told me anything what was going on.

She visited me regulary because she wanted to see her dogs and do her laundry. After those weeks at sunday, one week ago, she would be sleeping here for the night because she had to work in the area the next day. But just before we went to sleep, she told me she rather would go back to her friend (where she is staying at the moment, a girl) and she wanted to be alone and she broke up with me. I was devastated.

She told me the reason, it was because i wasnt giving her much attention and not looking at her much the last half year (that was because of my addiction to a game

I realised this problem at the start of our separation, and i immediately banished this game from my life and realised there are more important things in life, like my gf and just being happy in general in life.

Now we are a week futher away, i've been sending her messages everyday to make sure she doesnt forget me and to be sure she knows i love her and regret my past actions. I've tried NC her for 2 days, that last day i got 3 missed phone calls and a msg why i didnt took up the phone, so i called her back and had a really good conversation, but then i got back hope and started to msg her again and she acted very cool again . Today she asked to bring her some papers for work because she was sick, it all started rather good, because she was searching some contact with me, but then i was telling her how hard it is without her and how hard i miss her, and for the rest of the evening she reacted very cool to me.

I know that deep inside she still loves me, as she was crying today when i acted normally but she blamed it on the sickness.

Would NC be a good thing for me to do right now, and how should i begin doing it, i dont really like the idea that i dont react to her calls without no reason.

i love her with all my heart, but she seems to be trying to build a wall around her feelings, i just cant get through, i'm really desperate,

if any of you guys got any advice, thank you cause i dont really know what do to right now

[eendjuh]

and i really dont know how to act when she comes at home to do her laundry or when i see her

[SuperDave71]

Hello eendjuh,

 

The old saying is "We don't know what we've got...til it's gone. My advice to you is to let her know you made a hge mistake...tell her only once. Be a man and stand up for your actions. Let her know you love her with al your heart and if she needs time away, you will show her you love her by leaving her alone and not interfere with her life right now.

 

 

Actions speak louder than words. If you give her exactly what she has asked for, the only thing you will regret is not doing it sooner. I cannot guarantee you that she will be back...BUT....you will have learned a valuable lesson that life is to be lived...not played.

 

Start NC after that....and make sure you leave her alone to think about it.

 

 

 

I wish you well....

and good luck my friend,

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[eendjuh]

so I sent her a msg, a last message saying i respect her choice of being alone and her need to think about it, as long as she knows i still love her.

But it hurts so much, knowing my own faults from the past and the fact that i take a huge part in the break.

But reading on this forum has teached me some stuff, like calling her everyday and stuff just wont work, it only makes me feel better or worse by hearing her voice, and just pushes her further away. I do miss her and I do think she's the girl of my life, but I have to give her the time and space to think it all over, to see if she feels the same about me.

For now I'm going NC, and start working on myself, my low selfesteem, all the friends i've lost during these months and i start to work out again, cause that made me feel better in the past

I hope I can keep it up, cause i think about her all the time

thank you superdave, your answer and your earlier posts are a real support for me

[nebbish]

jumper, if she's 25 and has had three failed marriages, with all due respect to you and your feelings, she's got issues and you gotta let her go and move on. easier said than done. but it's one thing to accumulate one or more failed marriages over a life time. but 3 by age 25? you're lucky you guys busted up before you became the fourth failed marriage.

[eendjuh]

so my first day of NC didnt work out as intended lol

she had to do some laundry and visit a doctor here in town to see if she's really sick, so she paid me a visit.

But i kept stronger than ever, i havent said i love her or that i miss her, just normal chat about stuff. I tried not to give her too much pressure and didnt look much in her eyes. I think this is the first time i've done this since she's gone, i just dont want to be any more disappointed.

So now I go over to NC i guess, I think today was a step forward as i kept strong and didnt start crying or look sad, i tried to be happy and told her stuff I was going to do in the future like going back to work out and stuff, I tried to be as positive as i could be, the moment when she left was the hardest, and now that she's gonna i cant help crying again, but at least i didnt do it when she was around, writhing this stuff down sure helps

[SuperDave71]

eendjuh,

 

It is all about taking it one step at a time....and day by day..

 

If you want this bad enough....you wil find a way to make it happen without forcing it..

 

 

Remember....a woman is like a bar of soap...if you hold on to it to tightly....

 

 

it will slip right through you fingers.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[eendjuh]

yeah i see that now

i cant force her to love me,

i just can try to be myself, and hope she'll fall in love all over again

[Oldboy]

Superdave, I need help. My wife of 18 years has been sleeping with an 18 yrea old for nearly two years now. She is now 4 months pregnant and has left to live with him in his parents house. She came back last month saying she missed the girls too much (we have 3 girls) but she did not come back to me.

She says now if she ever comes back it will be for me this time. I know she is using me for money and things. I gladly give to her as I still love her despite what she has done.

I think my confidence has taken such a knock that I don't know whether I am holding on to her for fear of the future (hers and mine).

I am going to try NC and see if this will heal me or bring her back. I will keep you posted but I would appreciate your thoughts on my predicament.

[NubianLove]

oh my, so she started sleeping with him when he was 16, and was with u while this was going on???? And you allowed this?? Goodness NC for u now isnt to bring her back, its for you to gain your confidence back and reminder even if she is coming back, it'll be her, the baby and she'll be forever attached to him!!

[eendjuh]

After reading much posts on this forum and thinking a lot.

I'm starting to realise that NC isnt really all about getting her back for me,

that too, when the time is there, but I don't think now. I need to heal myself now, worry about myself not her. I'm been living inside my shell for way to many years, had the wrong attitude about life, wasnt really living my life to the fullest.

I need to work on that, need to rediscover myself and my life.

I'm feeling really confident right now, sure I do have bad moments but they're there for a reason I guess.

I dont know if I could be with her again right now, as I'm realising much things and have much things to do for myself.

Maybe this is what she wanted me to do too as she said "think about what you want to do with your life", I'm finally thinking about it and I see she's got a point there.

I sure do hope there will be a place for me in her life, as I do think there is one for her in my life, as I do love her with all my heart and care about her.

Thanks to all people on this forum that really care about others, give good advice instead of "you'll get over it and find someone new" thank you all for the support and advice.

[Oldboy]

oh my, so she started sleeping with him when he was 16, and was with u while this was going on???? And you allowed this?? Goodness NC for u now isnt to bring her back, its for you to gain your confidence back and reminder even if she is coming back, it'll be her, the baby and she'll be forever attached to him!!

Indeed. I need closure but she will not give me it. She is keeping her options open. I want her back but not with the baby obviously. If I tell her she cannot come back I fear for her safety as she is not in an emotionally stable frame of mind. She is ridden with guilt and has got off her family and mine because of this. I don't want to see her lost in the wilderness as this will hurt me and the children.

[SuperDave71]

Oldboy,

 

I know you love your woman but beeing used as well as taken advantage of is a HUGE blow to your confidence as well as your pride. My heart goes out to you my friend but my advice to you is this. You know and I know despite the fact you love her and you have spent 18 years together, she cheated (younger man or not) is pregnant and comes and goes as she pleases.

 

 

I want you to do something for me and mostly for yourself.

 

 

I want you to walk in front of a mirror. I want you to look yourself in the eyes and tell yourself the following.

 

"I deserve to be happy.. I deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, love and to have the one I love have faith in me and my abilites as a man..My family deserves a mother and a follower that represents what we both want for our children and they deserve the best life has to offer."

 

 

Does your wife of 18 years fit this mold...or are you trying to fit a square where a circle should be.

 

 

You deserve the best my friend. Pick yourself off the floor and pick up your ego and your self-esteem and put them back in your heart and stand up for youself and take back your life. If you could have done better in your relationship....think about it and learn from it. I believe this would be difficult to recover from even if she did come back. I will say it IS possible depending on how much you love her..BUT...it takes two to love one another....

 

"Love is patient,

Love is Kind

Love is not jealous or boastful..."

 

I wish you the best in all that you do....If you need guidance or a place to vent..we are here...we are over 50000 string and are here to help you if you need us.

 

 

 

Take care,

 

 

 

Your friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[Oldboy]

SuperDave71,

 

Thank you for your words. And thank you for your quick reply.

 

There are two things that are hurting just now.

 

I will do as you say. I know you are right. I do deserve better and there is is a better companion for me out there. We never had much when we started out, like most people. But I have worked so hard for us to be where we are now and she has rejected everything that we both have done for each other.

This is the first hurt. All that time and effort gone to waste.

 

I can see things now in our relationship that were not right; issues that ran deep and were never resolved because we were always too busy working and bringing up the children. We never spent enough time talking to each other. Just talking can do so much. But these issues have exploded within her and now she is in emotional trouble. An 18 year old cannot help resolve her emotional turmoil and she rejects any help that I offer in that respect. She sees the pain in my eyes when I try to talk to her and so she will not talk because she also gets upset.

 

This is the second hurt. She will need someone to help here through this time of her life, this life change. But she has no-one now. She has cut-off her family and mine because of her shame. I cannot help her; she will not let me.

 

SuperDave71, you know I love my woman. For what she has given me and done for me.

But I don't know if I can ever forgive her or trust her again. Only she can answer that really.

I will be patient, I will be kind. I will keep posting.

 

Oldboy

[eendjuh]

So I was really sure about NC this time

I sent her a msg telling her that I would take some time too, to sort my own life out and to work on my own problems, i told her that i still love her with all my heart and miss her but i had to do this on my own.

So I left my phone at home and went to some friends, when i returned, i missed 7 calls and got 3msgs. I didnt called her back, but late at the evening she called and i just couldnt resist, I took up the phone and she asked me what that msg means, so i said that i wanted to work on my own problems and she askes me if i was seeing somebody else and she said that would be ok for her but i just had to tell so i said no, so i said it just means what i said so she said to me "that was the meaning of this all from the beginning, so we can think about our lives" and i told her i realised that now and just wanted to let her know, she sounded a little upset and said goodbye.

Now i just want to send a msg saying i really dont have anyone else that i think about her and i couldnt be with someone else, because she sounded upset, should i just start NC right now?

Did she ask me that because she's jealous or because she's also seeing somebody else and doesnt have the guts to tell me? damn i was so confident yesterday but i dont know it right now

[jojean]

hi eendjuh,

 

my opinion about it. Don't mssg her. You have made your point with your previous mssg. The second one won't make any difference.

She knows how you feel and that is clear enough (in my eyes) in your previous mssg to her.

The second one only will make you sound needy and very very available.

I don't really know your situation. But try at least to NC for a few days. Just make babysteps if you need to.

Some of us (i'm one of them) can't make this big step of suddenly strict NC rightaway for a few months. But remember if you are in contact with her. Don't bring issues about 'us'. It won't bring you anywhere. Certaintly not in the stage where you are in right now. (you from the netherlands? i think that because of your nickname. No koninginnedag?)

 

Love and hugs to everyone who's going through these mixed up feelings everyday now

jojean