You want your ex back? Things to avoid certain doom!

[audrey]

Wow! I take my hat off to you Wise and deep words you wrote there, made think with my mind and give me strengh

 

Lots of thanks !!!

 

xoxo

[shell80]

Walkon...

 

I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I thought I'd reply to you as I know how hard the long distance part of a relationship is...I've just broken up with my LD bf. I also know how hard it is going from talking everyday online or the phone, then nothing...it breaks your heart, and you feel so lost.

 

BUT - my advice to you (and I wish I had taken my own), please try and refrain from contacting him - at least until you visit on work where he is living. I know that you have not officially broken up yet - but give him time to miss you and think. He doesn't need to constant reminder that you love him - he knows, and if he is good enough for you, he will make the right decision.

 

How do people deal with this?....... its hard -really hard, this is your first big relationship yeah? You are probably thinking that you wont get thru it - but you will. I'm late 20s - and have been there, gotten thru it. Time and lots of support from people who love you will get you thru.

[SuperDave71]

Thank you Buckdawg and everyone else....I appreciate your kind words.

 

It means alot that I am able to come here and try to help.

 

 

Thank you so much!

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

[WalkOn]

shell80, thank you. It helps to know someone else out there has gone through this. It really is just the worst thing I've ever experienced, and I've had some hard times. I just want to give up. I can't imagine my life without him. I wish I were as strong as you. But I'm not, and I can't imagine how I'll get through this.

[inlove123]

Personally I disagree with one thing you said Dave. And thats because of stubborn people.

 

If one person says I want NC. And the other agrees but doesnt really want it. Because both are so stubborn, they wont call eachother and will just force themselves to get over eachother when they could have revived a perfectly good relationship. Assuming they didnt really want to get over eachother or better yet even leave eachothers lives.

 

Its better to experience something then wonder for the rest of your life what could have been is it not?

 

I do agree that a call or an IM may be bad but its all a matter of how you approach it. Its very easy to come off as manipulative, controlling, clingy etc... but thats because people let there emotions get to them. Thats one thing thats costly. If someone leaves another because they feel there too controlling and clingy. And that person then calls the dumper and begins crying on the phone and begging for the other back. Obviously thats gonna mess things up and bring you farther from that person wants to be. If your planning on a breaking a reasonably long NC (and by reasonably long I mean a period where most would get over someone, its only those who truly love that other person that still want the other back) then be prepared for the worst and be prepared NOT to show emotion. Thats the detrimental thing. If you cant hide your emotions, dont make the call!

 

Thats my 2 cents.

[kmae23]

I really agree with the last post. My ex and I have kept NC just out of pure pride . We both are stubborn. We are so much alike in these ways, we don't know what to think of the other person when they are shutting us out. We live together but for days only said about 5 words and finally I went and hugged him and he started crying, saying I was ignoring him?! I don't think so. In every other aspect we are great communicators. We are both just so afraid of rejection we close ourselves off to the point where we would move on just to avoid it. Now I am totally confused about my story (I posted about that) because he was usually the one pulling away until this last one month break up where he was trying his best to get me back. I guess it only took 6 months for him to be confused again He's making all the self destructive decisions of his past, but conflicted because he see's me as his future. I guess his desires to be free and date around are just too strong? hmmm..who knows. Hurts like hell though.

[SuperDave71]

I have personally never heard pride standing in the way of true love. My reasoning is because if the "what if" factor...

 

It's only a matter of WHO is going to break first. You can't tell me that two people that "Love" one another have more pride than love?

 

that is just my 1 cent worth... ha ha

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[Zorba]

I have to agree with inlove123 on the pride issue. I know one couple who have gotten back together very successfully and it was down to the woman(the dumpee) getting back in touch with the guy(dumper). I know both of them very well and I know this guy, although he loved her, there is a snowball's chance in hell he would have contacted her. He's cut off family members for good over serious falling outs. I mean cut off, bye bye, you're not my family anymore kind of thing. Ok she made the first move, but it's quite easy to see where two people of a similar temperament could easily never contact each other, yet they could have worked.

 

Now of course people can wheel out the banal pat answer that "well if it didn't happen it wasn't true love". At that point you have to get into definitions of what true love is, does it even exist, beyond the pages of fairy tales and what are the circumstances that help it grow or stifle. Plus while we can all look to successes and say that's why it happened that way, because "it was meant to be", it ignores the situations that didn't work out yet the same criteria were applied.

 

Sometimes the solution lies in the obvious, oft times it doesn't, wisdom is knowing the difference.

 

It's all too easily swayed by one's own experience and the mistake can be made that this applies to all or even most. I'm guilty of that myself, everyone is. The trick is to try to resist that. As an example. I've gotten every single ex that dumped me back(even one I didn't want back). In only one case did I apply strict NC and that only lasted 6 weeks and I made contact. The rest was LC or just normal contact. If I was to extrapolate that to everyone else I would be preaching contact or at least very short NC and then to LC or just contact, plain and simple. That would be equally wrong. While strict long term NC will help people move on in situations where there's no hope and indeed will often show them why there was no hope, it's not the be all and end all and shouldn't be treated as such. It also of course depends on the emotional strength of the dumpee. If you feel vulnerable or overwhelmed NC is the way to go.

 

Balance is the thing. A period of NC is healthy and needed in 90% of cases. When you get your head back then LC if the other party is open to that is probably going to garner the best results. Even if it to effect closure for good.

[butterflyx0]

I really agree with the last post. My ex and I have kept NC just out of pure pride . We both are stubborn. We are so much alike in these ways, we don't know what to think of the other person when they are shutting us out.

 

I thought this too about my ex. I thought I was SURE we weren't going to talk for at least six months. I asked him for NC and told him I'd call when I was ready. And surprisingly...I didn't break. Never called, texted, or anything for almost two months. And he's the type of person that sticks to his word- I mean, when we were deciding to get back together he was like, "Make this decision and we are sticking by it this time." And when I wanted him back, he said no and started dating someone else. So I figured if I wasn't breaking, he DEFINITELY wouldn't.

 

Well, yesterday morning, I was crying my eyes out, almost breaking down and calling him to meet me to talk. I was praying to God for some sort of sign, if I need to just let this go and move on, or keep holding on that he'll change, or even just to sign to know that I would feel better. In my head, it was almost like I was calling out to him or something. Instead, I went home and took a nap. And guess what....

 

He called me two hours later, out of the blue, while I was sleeping. When I looked at my phone, I almost passed out. I waited about six hours before I decided to do anything. He called back, and so I waited and then texted him, kept it short and simple. He had called to tell me he was on my campus and thought we might bump into each other, and then said he just called to say hi. I was like...what?? I ended that texting quick...I know he has a gf and I'm not getting involved in that.

 

But I don't know what to make of it. Weird.

[inlove123]

I have personally never heard pride standing in the way of true love. My reasoning is because if the "what if" factor...

 

It's only a matter of WHO is going to break first. You can't tell me that two people that "Love" one another have more pride than love?

 

that is just my 1 cent worth... ha ha

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

Super Dave, being someone who is older than me with a lot more experience. I can try to grasp where exactly your coming from. But you must also take into account that most breakups, USUALLY end in ways that are more extreme then they need to be. However, if they werent extreme, there probably wouldnt be a reason to break it off altogether. Take me for example, Im still deathly inlove, yes, IN LOVE! with my ex and just if she called me out of the blue for a favour, I would be at her doorstep in a second. Its just the type of guy I am. But, also taking into account what was said to me and how hurtful it was, it does boost my motivation to stay completely the hell away from her and try and get over her as fast as I can. Though I feel no pride issues before, during the relationship if it came down to who broke first, the situation would usually become untimely long simple out of pride. And we both knew it. But deep down, I know the person she is when she loves someone and how the person she tried to show just wasnt her. I knew that if things didnt end up the way they did, she would still be that loving, caring, amazing girl I fell in love with. And we'd still be together. But hey, s*** happens you know?

 

 

True love? What the h*** is true love anyways? Its not the notebook here bro. If the couple was taken away from eachother by chance when both of them didnt want it. Be it moving away or whatever other reason. I could understand one or both would do anything in their power to even make communication with the other. But because breakups are so nasty, they usually deter people completely. No matter how much pain someone is in and how much they would absolutely love to be with their ex again, I dont doubt that most of the population would forget about trying to get the love of their life back and move on, simply out pride.

[emalkoc]

I tend agree with this. My ex is very stubborn as much as I am. We both expect the other to break down before making moves...explains why we are broken somehow..

 

So today I almost called her after 4 weeks NC...After coming from my therapist, she said NO. I am not in position yet...But I think everyday passes by I feel she forgets me. Knowing posts here, thats not true.

 

Should I just send her a message "Hi" or "are you ok" etc....

 

or NC forever until she calls since she is broken with me.

[inlove123]

Hey dude.

 

I IMed my ex the other day with the intention of just saying hi and to see she'd been doing. But we all know thats not truly the reason we made that contact. I made contact with my ex because I really wanted to discuss things with her. And I feel you really do to. Saying hi sounds like a cover. She then asked me if I needed something. Its the coldest response ive ever gotten in the world and it hurt so bad. If shes as stubborn as mine, I wouldnt wish that on my worst enemy it was so cold.

 

So in my opinion, if shes as stubborn as you say she is, the fact you made contact with fill her with so much joy but when it comes down to it. She will probably be very cold. And it will probably hurt you quite a bit. We all know breaking a NC of 4 weeks takes all the balls and preparation in the world and theres a good chance youll probably be hurt. What if she really is over you bro? How would you feel after that? It probably start the whole missing her cycle all over again but even be stronger this time knowing she really is over you. If she wants you back. She will eventually break. Its been 4 weeks. Do you still really want her back?

[Zorba]

True love? What the h*** is true love anyways? Its not the notebook here bro.

Nail on the head. this true love stuff is best left in under funded TV movies.

If the couple was taken away from eachother by chance when both of them didnt want it. Be it moving away or whatever other reason. I could understand one or both would do anything in their power to even make communication with the other. But because breakups are so nasty, they usually deter people completely. No matter how much pain someone is in and how much they would absolutely love to be with their ex again, I dont doubt that most of the population would forget about trying to get the love of their life back and move on, simply out pride.

Happens all the time. Circumstances can force one's hand in a relationship, any relationship in a good or bad way. Beyond basic incompatiblity if a couple are pretty good together(no one's perfect, if some think that's not true they're daft) and have been together long enough t know each other and have a loving relationship, it's amazing how easily outside circumstances can force them apart.

 

One of the two women I truly loved in my life is a good example. We loved, respected and cared for each other very much. We still care for each other now although she's in love and living with a great guy for the past 5 years. Anyway, enough back story. When we were together, she got an amazing offer to work and live in another country and I couldn't have gone with her at the time. There was no way around it that would have realistically worked and we looked for one. We were young and this was the best and probably only opportunity for her to really live her life and follow her dream(which worked out for her too). We split up. In fact looking back, I dumped her as I knew she wouldn't have gone. We were both heartbroken about it, but I couldn't have lived with myself if she had stayed for me out of love. Now we were a good couple, objectively as good as or better than 90% of the couples I've known. We were compatible in all the ways that count, yet we split up due to outside circumstances. Hey maybe some sap may say if it was "true love" it would have worked out or some nonsense. I consider what we did and how we did it truer love than you find is often defined as such.

 

That's not that unusual an example. I've known others where for whatever reasons, even reasons from within the relationship that could have been worked on, but for one reason or another it didn't work out. Some of these were great relationships. Sometimes, it's not a plan, there's no pattern, the universe doesn't get involved and as inlove123 says sh*t just happens.

 

 

 

BTW, I pretty much agree with the first part of your post and I wouldn't worry about your age. If you're getting this stuff pretty straight in your head at 18, you're ahead of the posse by a looong way.

[inlove123]

I appreciate the kind words Zorba. But keep in mind knowledge means nothing when you cant learn to apply it to real life. Its why im beating myself still after a couple of months for losing my ex.

 

However, it feels like ive learned so much from everything.

[kmae23]

I think when it comes to love in a relationship people have to accept sometimes it isn't enough. Maybe that makes me cynical but I see it to be very true. When things like fear, rejection, confusion etc. Come into the mix, sometimes they are enough to ruin it. Sad but that is why 50% of marriages end in divorce. Being a divorcee myself, I can say I LOVED my ex but couldn't handle all the other things.

 

Once people forget about soul mates, fate and true love and accept reality than maybe then they can make a relationship work. Outside forces do not determine the path of your life. Only you do.

 

In the case of pride ruining "true love" I'm sure it happens. Some people have bigger issue's with themselves when it comes to love. I truly love my bf, and we are together now but it took getting over a lot of pride. It has caused us to stay away 100% nc for over 2 months in the past. The only thing that got us back together was a chance encounter right before I moved away.

 

All in all, some people fear rejection that much. But I guess it just depends person to person. Just check out this song by arcade fire, my body is a cage. hey, they say it better than me.

 

 

 

My body is a cage

That keeps me from dancing with the one I love,

But my mind holds the key.

 

My body is a cage

That keeps me from dancing with the one I love,

But my mind holds the key.

 

I'm standing on the stage

Of fear and self-doubt.

It's a hollow play,

But they'll clap anyway

 

My body is a cage

That keeps me from dancing with the one I love

But my mind holds the key.

 

Standing next to me.

My mind holds the key.

 

I'm living in an age

That calls darkness light

Though my language is dead

Still the shapes fill my head.

 

I'm living in an age

Whose name I don't know

Though the fear keeps me moving

Still my heart beats so slow

 

My body is a cage

That keeps me from dancing with the one I love

But my mind holds the key.

 

Standing next to me.

My mind holds the key.

 

My body is a...

 

My body is a cage.

We take what we're given,

Just because you've forgotten, that don't mean you're forgiven.

 

I'm living in an age

Still turning in the night

But when I get to the doorway

There's no one in sight.

 

I'm living in an age,

Realizing I'm dancing

With the one I love,

But my mind holds the key.

 

You're still next to me,

My mind holds the key.

Set my spirit free.

Set my spirit free.

Set my body free.

Set my body free.

Woo!

Set my spirit free.

Set my body free.

Oh, oh. Oh, oh

[EmilyE]

So, I totally understand NC and I see how it is the best way to go. But what if your ex is your best friend?

 

I have been friends with him for over 7 years, best friends for 6 year, and we fell in love and were in a relationship for over 2 years. Our relationship has been rocky for the past 6 months or so, but he officially ended it a few days ago because he was "not in love anymore" and "didnt feel the spark"....I asked him if he would miss me, and he said "If i didnt see you, i would miss you as a friend, but not as a lover". So anyway, how am i supposed to have NC w/ someone who is my best friend and still wants to be friends? I know without a doubt this person will be in my life for the rest of my life someway, even if it is just friends.

 

Thanks!

[dreamguy]

Simple enough.

It's not just about what he wants. What about your wants and needs ?

Only go NC if you feel you cannot be his friend and the thought of him being with another woman makes you sick.

If you are ok with the above then I see no reason why NC should be implemented. You can be his friend by all means.

[WaterIsLife]

but I couldn't have lived with myself if she had stayed for me out of love.

 

 

Zorba, wow. Powerful post. This one quote above really sticks out to me.

 

Me and my ex did not split over a somewhat similar situation, but it did cause tension. Tension that brought on doubts which then snowballed.

 

My ex used to work on the road from time to time. Sometimes for multiple weeks. Since these road trips were a great opportunity for her, I could not with good conscious tell her to stay. She would ask my opinion on these things. I worried, as you, that I would not be able to live with myself and that in time she would begin to resent me if I told her I wanted her to stay.

 

I wonder now though if I was communicating with my head rather than my heart on this one? After we had a few discussions she seemed to go on every road trip that came up (even though she did not have too). It really made me feel that I was less important than her work. I had a lot of insecurities over this which ended up dooming our relationship. So obviously the ultimate problem here was my not feeling secure.

 

What do you think about this?

[RandomGuy78]

It still might be better to go NC. I would suggest having a long talk or writing him a letter telling him what and why in detail.

[Cyan6635]

I have been reading this thread for alittle over a week now. Maybe someone (anyone) can help me.](*,)

My partner of 10 years said that she did not want to be in a relationship with me or anyone. Did not want to answer to anyone. so, she had me move out. I have helped her raise two boys whom I love very much, and they me.

I was at our old house today and found a page that she had been writting her thoughts on. She said that she did not like the way that I inserted myself into her life and that she resented having to take care of me.She then went on to talk about this guy that she has been seeing and talking to. How she longed to hear the sound of his voice and be near him.How she misses him. She NEVER misses anyone.If they are out of sight she DOES forget about them.

When we parted Oct.21 she said that she loves me. Hasn't told me since.Even when I tell her, she just says okay.

Yet, she calls and asks me to do things around the house all the time. I bought her a family ring for mothers day, and i told her today that she could get my stone removed and she said "why would I do that".

I did not confront her about the writting that I found about this guy.

BUT...I have lost all respect and trust in her.I feel like part of me has died.

What do I do when kids are involved?? I do not ever want to talk to her again. But she is holding on to me for some reason that I can not see.

Any advice??? Please.

And thanks to everyone who has shared here it has helped alot.

[dreamguy]

Cyan, she is holding on to you for two reasons:

1) It's never easy to just let go of someone you have spent 10 years with.

2) She likes keeping you around as a backup guy. You are her safety net. Besides you are doing things for her around the house all the time.

 

About her resenting having to take care of you. I think all women, although they have nurturing instincts, need to have man who can take care of himself (and of them too) in their life. Whenever the woman feels she is mothering a man... she starts losing attraction for him. Her attraction turns into attachment. She loses the initial spark.

That's why she said she doesn't want to answer to anyone. It could mean she doesn't want to have to take care of you anymore and wants to feel free.

 

I say you should not confront her about her personal letters. This would only add fuel to the fire as she will think you were snooping around in her own stuff. Not good. You will lose her trust.

[Cyan6635]

Dreamguy,

Thanks for your reply. I had pneumonia when she ask me to leave. This is a woman that I had to spend a year taking care of after surgery. I had to take care of her almost everyday, helping her change, get in the house even help her to the bathroom as she has Rheumatoid Arthritis.

I just do not understand all the lies.

[Cyan6635]

By the way...she never had to do anything. I waited on her hand and foot. I took care of the house,the kids and her. I cooked,cleaned I did everything for her.

[janicehill]

well i feel you have just analysed my brain, however, i am guilty of doing all of the above things and now reading this i feel it may be too late.

[ashes_and_wine]

Why didn't I read this post before I made an ass out of myself this past weekend. I don't think I blew anything for the future, but any hopes of the present are out the window. I'm completely devestated. Thank you for your post. I will keep your words close at hand.