10 years with my girlfriend, 2nd breakup

[sentencedtoagony]

I've known the love of my life since I was 17 years old. There are lots of great memories. About 2 years ago, I had something inside me tell me that I needed to explore other opportunities and that I couldn't commit to this person having not satisfied my curiosity as to what else was out there. Basically, I had something great, but (yes, I feel like a jerk) chose to move on. Well, it seemed my crazy idea was smart and all, but when she started dating someone else, I absolutely hated it. I felt like she was my soulmate and didn't want her life to branch away from me. She told me she was going to get married and start a family with him. I was devastated. So devastated that I ended up accepting a friend's offer to move to another state. A fresh start, I thought.

 

I was on some sort of threshold of moving on when after about 7 or 8 months with her new crumbling relationship we start talking again. Eventually we were back into the groove of things with each other, maintaining a long distance relationship. She flies up to come see me. We have a fantastic time. But, even feeling that she is so special to me, I sabotage things. Once she gets back home, she is ecstatic about the experience she had. Suddenly she's wanting to move up with me and I get scared again. I start backing away. I make excuses why we should hold off for a little while (partly because I want to make sure it's still real love between us and I'm not just a 2nd rebound guy). I keep backing away in subsequent conversations. I keep fearing the future and the potential for failure which ultimately causes me to lose her -- again. I neglect to talk to her as much as she wants. During one conversation, I admit that I'm again not sure about what I want for my future. I try to wean her off of the phone, not because I don't love her, but because it is just becoming my entire life outside of working. She has problems with her life at home. She's unhappy with having to have moved back in with her mother and brother after moving out from her last boyfriend's place. In retrospect, I guess she needed some escape from it all, but I just didn't quite provide enough assistance. I guess, to put it simply, I couldn't meet her needs from where I am. She started dating some other guy and told me about it, not before, but after her first date with him.

 

Our communication has diminished. When I try to talk to her she usually hangs up on me. She says it is over, but I guess I don't really know if "over" really means "over" anymore. She sounds angry when I do talk to her. She told me she lost 13 pounds like the day she dumped me. What's up with that? Does she want me want her more? But then she says she feels absolutely nothing for me anymore. Our rare phone conversations usually end up with her having a bad attitude toward me and her hanging up on me. She said I should send a letter if I want to communicate with her. So I did. But she also bitterly added that I only write her love letters when everything's falling apart. The other thing is she seems to be drinking a lot now. I've only talked to her like 3 times since the breakup and every time she's complaining about a hangover. I'm concerned about it. I'm concerned not only about her safety, but also what decisions she'll make about her future. I guess in her upset state I also fear that she'll think she is in love with someone else again - or maybe even get pregnant or something else major.

 

Anyway, she's either cold/distant or outright mean to me whenever I get her to talk on the phone. I sent her a letter which has already arrived by now and have heard no response. I talked to a friend today that said she came by about a month ago, got drunk, seemed to be hitting on him (although nothing happened) and cried and got emotional about me. I'm pretty upset that he didn't tell me sooner and kept it a secret, but that is another story, another drama.

 

I guess I just want to understand how it all fits together and, of course, I want to be with her.

 

Oh yeah, I almost forgot the irony of the whole thing: About a week before the dumping, I was really starting to ponder things. I had talked to some girls here and there and I realized that I was looking for what I already have and love more than anything else. I was really feeling like I wanted to be a part of all the dreamy future that she was talking about. I was really envisioning us being together and being really excited about it. I guess sometimes I analyze too much and take too long to decide things. I was really looking forward to telling her the things that I felt and knww she was looking forward to hearing. So I call her up. She's short with me and says she has to get ready for a dinner date with her girlfriend (i wonder if it really was...), so I don't get to say what I want. I begin to wonder about the weird vibe. The next day, she's telling me that it's over with us.

 

What do you think? Is it over? I don't want it to be. I want to be with her until I'm an old man. She is my best friend and lover.

 

Any advice? I know you'll probably say "no contact" but should mean no letters as well? Should I apologize for not having reciprocated her dreams for the future?

 

Would giving her psychological explanations of why she's behaving the way she (drinking, falling in love with the first person she meets) is be a bad route to go?

 

I know when she was with her last boyfriend, she and I would, on occasion have some sort of business reason to meet up with each other. Every time she saw me, she seemed to be really happy to see me (smiles and a real loving look) but she would verbally push me away. In some ways, I just wonder if making myself present (only very briefly --like 15 minutes or less -- and if she's open to it) would remind her of how we were and could be again.

 

Thanks for reading and any helpful advice.

[walkingwithaghost]

I think you're screwing with her. I don't know you or your life, but it sounds like you only want her when you can't have her. I don't want to judge you... if you think you really love her you have to tell her, explain to her everything you just told us in your post. If you really believe your being honest with yourself and your actions are justified than you should have no problem spilling your guts to her. Just tell her how you feel, if you love/trust her you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. good luck, but from your post you sound like your typical selfish, a-hole guy who wants what he can't have (I'm really sorry to be mean but that's what you come off as.) So maybe do some more soul searching and make sure this is how you really feel (not just how you feel cause you can't have her) before you go to all the effort of trying to get her back and maybe causing her more pain. good luck, Laura

[ttseng01]

wow 10 years is a long time.. Thats probably the time where you should be getting hooked up w/ alot of ppl. I guess you didnt really have that and you're confused about it.. If you want to stay with her or explore. I agree w/ 'walkingwithaghost".. youre sort of screwing with her n the relationship. Seems like she really does love you.. b/c she was with other men, but she always came back to you 'when u needed her'... Relationships are stressful, and stress gets you confused.. so if u love her, let her be happy.

[sentencedtoagony]

I'll admit that in the past there was some confusion on my part and some selfish a-holeness. She did really love me and I don't want to screw with her or ruin her life. I have spilled my guts to her in a letter already. I still feel like there is more that I could say to her though. I was feeling ready to marry and commit to her *before* I suspected that things were going bad this 2nd time around. I was really looking forward to a lifelong relationship with her. It was my soul searching that led me to feel that way.

[sentencedtoagony]

wow 10 years is a long time.. Thats probably the time where you should be getting hooked up w/ alot of ppl. I guess you didnt really have that and you're confused about it.. If you want to stay with her or explore. I agree w/ 'walkingwithaghost".. youre sort of screwing with her n the relationship. Seems like she really does love you.. b/c she was with other men, but she always came back to you 'when u needed her'... Relationships are stressful, and stress gets you confused.. so if u love her, let her be happy.

 

Yeah, I guess I *did* feel like I was going to miss something in life. But my pursuit of other people left me feeling empty inside.

 

She won't talk to me now even when I profess how much I love her. I'm afraid the stress she is feeling will cause her to do something that isn't really right for her (even if what's right for her is to be without me). I'm concerned that her drinking all the time is leading her in the wrong direction. Also, it doesn't seem like she's just doing some social drinking, but getting drunk and being irritable and hungover the day after. She's probably getting drunk with the new guy she's with and thinking that's the way to love.

 

I have hurt her and I am an a-hole for that.

[jaded4x5]

Well i was with someone for 13yrs ...he didnt want to commit I dated someone he found out went crazy I went back with because I loved him still do we got back together and he pulled the sanme crap... after that I was out drinking and actting up never sleeping around just always out partying because of my depression over him,,, listen you can not play with her like she is a yo-yo she probably loves you alot ,, but you ruined her trust ... after a 10 yr relationship believe me she wants you but you keep hurting her>

[lunatic]

Well this is a tough one here. Yeah you have been a jerk and selfish. So what I am not here to judge you. I can tell you that she is hurt and your the main cause. Is there anything you can do? I doubt it bro because you took so long to figure out that she is what you want.

 

My advice to you is to let her be and move on. Start doing things to keep yourself busy so you dont go crazy over this. If it is meant to be she will come back to you somehow. It stinks to have this happen to you after ten years but, you really have no one to blame but, yourself.

 

If you want to send her a letter explaining to her how sorry you truly are about hurting her then do it. You really do need to start no contact so you can move on with your life as well. Do yourself a favor and do not harass this woman anymore. It will only lead to heartache on your end and maybe getting in trouble with the law.

 

Be strong and use this relationship as a learning experience for future relationships.

 

Good luck!

 

P.S. I did the same thing with a five year relationship and I had to let her go. It hurt like hell but, I wanted her to be happy. Today she is married and happy with me never married and uphappy. I think about her often over the years but, not in a negative way. Let her go bro and move on with your life and I know how much it hurts but, you have no say anymore in her life.

[jaded4x5]

Hubman why did you break up with your girl of 5 yrs?

 

Im curious was it a bad break?

[lunatic]

It could have been a bad break but, I would not allow that to happen. I kept it calm and collective when we ended it. I only asked her for one last kiss and hug good bye because I always felt it is better to leave content and not angry. She broke up with me because I could not make up my mind as to what I wanted in life.

 

To make a long story short I let her go by not persuing her. I wished her well and told her that I do love her. I hugged her gave her a peck on the lips and walked away. I cried for weeks after that but, I did eventually get over it.

[jaded4x5]

Hub do you regret it.. did she have a hard time with the break ...Im asking because my ex broke off with me recently because he is having issues

[lunatic]

I do regret my actions over the coarse of the relationship. I dont know if she had a hard time with the break because I cut off all contact with her after I last saw her. I am sure your ex is having a difficult time with this also but, he is doing what he feels is best for him.

[sentencedtoagony]

Well i was with someone for 13yrs ...he didnt want to commit I dated someone he found out went crazy I went back with because I loved him still do we got back together and he pulled the sanme crap... after that I was out drinking and actting up never sleeping around just always out partying because of my depression over him,,, listen you can not play with her like she is a yo-yo she probably loves you alot ,, but you ruined her trust ... after a 10 yr relationship believe me she wants you but you keep hurting her>

 

Thanks for the advice. I am afraid she doesn't love me anymore, but in some ways I've thought the same thing you've said...she's depressed about it and protecting herself from me. I certainly had decided to move forward in the relationship with her but my timing sucks. She had always said she thought we were soulmates and when I brought it up on the phone, she said she doesn't know if she believes in that anymore. She disagreed with almost everything I expressed I felt about her and everything I said I looked forward to sharing with her in the future. She doesn't answer my phone calls anymore.

 

I've made a lot of mistakes which I regret. I regret hurting her. I regret damaging my relationship with her. I have a hard time sleeping and eating anymore. I have a hard time envisioning a future for myself now.

 

What ended up finally happening with you and your boyfriend? Do you still have feelings for him?

[sentencedtoagony]

I actually woke up this morning thinking about her. I had some intense feelings. I called her. No answer. I called later. No answer.

 

I go about my day, and about 2 or 3 hours after the 2nd time I called her, She calls me back and leaves me a message saying something like: I noticed you called a couple of times. I thought I'd call you back. Anyway, I thought you'd be there, so talk to you later. Bye.

 

Her tone of voice was like her usual self, not the angry or upset version. It made me hopeful. Well, I just called her back feeling really excited. When I got ahold of her the mood was completely different again. She asked what I wanted and I said that I wanted to talk to her about some things I had been thinking about. She said she didn't have time, that she was busy and I need to just send her an email if I have something to say.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions about what this means or how I should react now? I still really love her. I was getting ready to tell her how glad I was. I was even going to take off work the rest of the week to go see her if she was opening up to me again.

[lunatic]

Sentencedtoagony,

 

Have you ever heard the saying:

A little too little too late?

 

I know you dont want to hear this but, you have to face the facts here. You moved away from her then you broke her heart. A womans heart can only take so much heartache before she will get out. It is time for you to face the facts here and realize the damage is done already. She is probablly tired of hearing your excuses and explanations. The time for that is over bro and its time for you to leave her alone. START NO CONTACT ASAP!

 

Stop harrasing her and let her be no matter how hard it is for you to do. If it is meant to be she will come back but, not by you constantly calling. Stop bothering her and let her go no matter how much you hurt doing it. There is someone out there that your going to fall head over heels over one day. You need to do some soul searching to figure out who you are now and where you want to go from here. Just remember that this website is an amazing place that will actually help you out thru this dark painful time. Trust me I know I have been there and I never had access to this site when I was going thru my trauma when I lost my ex. The last gf I had I found this site and it did help me out so much that I am still greatful. I still visit this site even though I have been over her for a long time now.

 

BE STRONG and LET HER GO!

[saltwatergirl]

I've been where she is before. Someone hurts you, comes back, hurts you again, lies, whatever. It is pure agony and after a while you just reach the point where you don't care anymore. You're all out of tears and your all out of "want to".

 

This post above mine put it perfectly: too little too late. It happens and I think it has happened in your case.

 

I agree with the advice given...accept that it's done for now and just stop calling or emailing. If she decides to contact you at some point you might have another shot, but not now and maybe, not ever.

 

Let this be a learning experience for you & dont make this same mistake with the next girl you care for.

 

Salt

[Tigris]

It's obvious you are both unhappy with the situation. It sounds like she has problems that are nothing to do with your relationship. That's probably why she's drinking!

 

You've already had a taste of her unpredictable moods. If she comes back now your life will be like a rollercoaster!

 

It's your decision but I advise you to let her go!

 

Whatever you decide to do with your life, I hope it's a success.

[sentencedtoagony]

Thanks for everyone who has posted on this forum -- I really appreciate it. Some are saying let her go and others are saying she still loves me. I hate the idea of letting her go. I suppose I will cut off contact and just dream for what might be again one day -- whether that be getting back with her or...

 

When we were still in love and talking on the phone every day, I remember her saying, "Always be persistent with everything you want." I wonder if that means she would want me to keep going after her if I really want her.

 

I feel like a failure. I feel like I've lost the most important thing I will ever encounter in my entire life.

 

If there's any more advice out there, please feel free to add your thoughts.

[Tigris]

You are not a failure!

 

She may surprise us all! A long healing period (at least 6 months) may help her get her life back on track. Once she's done that she can always return to you! In the mean time you need healing time also.

 

If she does come back you both need to make a fresh start!

 

Hope everything works out for you.

 

Good Luck

[sentencedtoagony]

I just got an email from her and she gave me a list of all things I've done that have hurt her. She said I have made her feel horrible about herself. She said that she could never take a chance with me again and that her feelings for me are gone. She said she will have a hard time in any relationship because she fears being humiliated.

 

I feel terrible of course, not just because it hurts me to hear those things, but because I've hurt her so deeply.

 

Should I respond? Should I try to apologize? What can I do? I love her so much and I know I've hurt her tremendously. I feel like in some way, now that we are communicating, we can talk about things and try to heal.

[Tigris]

My advice is leave her alone. She's trying to put all the blame on you and you are falling for it.

 

It's time to move on.

 

Good Luck

[sentencedtoagony]

hi, it's been a while since i've posted on this topic. i've been reading other people's posts and contributing here and there. it's been very theraputic.

 

i had to call the ex about a week ago concerning some business with our house. i got a letter saying that she had not paid the mortgage and they were going to foreclose. i emailed her about it and she called like 5 minutes later (which is quite interesting since when i emailed her a long letter about how much she means to me, how much i want a future with her, i get no response at all). she said she'd call and take care of it and call me back. she called me back, said it was taken care of and that she was going to sell the house and send our animals --animals that at one time she said she loved and wanted -- to different homes. she said she has her own apt now and has moved out of the house. anytime i ever tried to call her in the evening some "cowboy" answers the phone. that shreds my heart. i always just hang up.

 

about a week ago, when we talked about the house i maintained my composure, didn't talk about anything relationship-related. didn't get emotional. i just kept it short and said goodbye before she got a chance.

 

but then i started thinking about the animals and her seeming to not care about them as much anymore. she says she has too many to offer them the attention they deserve (something i told her MANY years ago when there were less than now).

 

where i live i can only take one cat, so i decided to call her back and tell her i would come get him (15 hour drive).

 

well, i got her on the phone again. she mentioned that she hangs out with all these new people now and they are really fun. she says she hangs out with the guys more often than the girls (because "they are b**ches and dumb") and the guys tell her she's "one of the guys" too. she seemed to be really happy and proud to tell me about that. she drinks with them, smokes weed (although she says it doesn't do anything) and who knows what else. i told her that made me sick to my stomach, and she just kind of changed the subject. they could be gangb*nging her for all i know.

 

so the idea i get is that the animals that she used to love sooooo much are being left at our house alone with her mom and she is just partying it up every night. she said she's on probation at her job...i didn't get any details on that.

 

but i just had to torture myself this time. i asked, "so you think there's better guy out there for you that could give you a better life?" of course, fulfilling my worst fear, she didn't hesitate and casually said "yes." she said we would always be friends and that i'm "like family" and that if there's anyone she would trust giving the cat to it's me. ahhh.."friends."

 

but we've broken up before. and she got a rebound guy and moved in with him. and she got a new group of friends. and she made me cry many many nights like she is doing now. she told me she was going to marry him and start a family. 8 months later she left it all, went back to our house, and we started talking again. is it a pattern. it is a way of hurting me for how i hurt her? the first time we split, when she would allow herself to actually see me face-to-face, she would prctically blush and smiled a lot. i could tell she still felt something, but now i'm so far away i can't

 

anyway, i was going to drive down in a week or two and stay for a few days and get the cat. i would make sure i have things to do with other friends, but i might nonchalantly ask her if she wants to go out for a drink or even just grab some food to see if she'll talk just an hour or so with me. i know there's a possibility that she will completely reject that kind of offer. i know there's a possibility we might not even see each other or that she may show up with some guy(s).

 

it really sucks. we had that convo yesterday. i've had the day off work today and all i could do was plot on how to get her back and think about how no one else will ever compare to her. i live in a town full of beautiful girls, but i feel like i'm in a bubble and i always will be. i feel like the girls, pretty as they are, are not what i'm looking for. i've got no friends, no outgoing personality, no desire to "shop" for a new woman at a bar or a club. it's hard to move on when i feel like i have a solitary future.

 

sometimes i think about moving back to the the city she's in because it's where all my long time friends live too. i actually moved to get away from the pain, but i guess that didn't work. in some ways, it could slightly improve our chances of a reunion if there's a chance at all.

 

anyway, i hate all this.

 

her father died when she was very young, her mother couldn't hold it together and wrecked her finances pretty much for the rest of her life, her brother molested her (and no one in her family ever acknowledged it) and now i've failed her as well. she really loved me and now she's cynical, jaded, more superficial. i hate the prospect of never being with her romantically again. i also have serious concern for her well-being.

 

thanks for reading.

[RayKay]

First - good for you on taking on the cat at least, I hope she is sending them to good homes though...is there anyway though you can find people who may want some of the other ones? She might not be in a state to find good homes if she is smoking pot and out partying...and pets without homes don't end up in nice places The kitty is very lucky to get a new home with you

 

Second, I know you are worried about her, but you cannot save her. She sounds like she has had a hard life, but you are not her rescuer, her knight in shining armour. Even if you were not perfect - no one is perfect - hanging on hoping...and letting her back again if she crawls back is only going to bring more pain to you. It sounds like yes you made mistakes, but it also sounds like she uses them against you..with that email of things that hurt her, and then blaming you for the "destruction of her romantic future". She is trying to hurt you as you hurt her.

 

You need to move on. You must get away - in my opinion after 10 years, this relationship is almost too toxic to go back to...there is too much resentment and pain and guilt neither of you can let go of.

 

Right now...you think no one can compare because you ARE still comparing. You need to move past that, only then will you realize that comparisons are useless, and only then will you meet another woman who blows your mind away. 10 years is a lot of years to heal from, I know...no one said it is easy. But I think from everything she has said, from what you have said...you do need to move on.

[Tigris]

I agree with Ray Kay it's time for you to move on.

 

Good luck and take care.

[sentencedtoagony]

First - good for you on taking on the cat at least, I hope she is sending them to good homes though...is there anyway though you can find people who may want some of the other ones? She might not be in a state to find good homes if she is smoking pot and out partying...and pets without homes don't end up in nice places The kitty is very lucky to get a new home with you

 

thanks

 

she says she has found homes for them, but i suppose i'll have to find out more details. i feel like they are my responsibility too. at least i have an opportunity to help decide their futures. when we first split she said they would ALWAYS have a home with her, but apparently no promises last forever. maybe the reality is that truthfulness, honesty, dependability are always subject to change.

 

i'll certainly look into where she plans to send them and if i can find something better i certainly will.

 

Second, I know you are worried about her, but you cannot save her. She sounds like she has had a hard life, but you are not her rescuer, her knight in shining armour. Even if you were not perfect - no one is perfect - hanging on hoping...and letting her back again if she crawls back is only going to bring more pain to you. It sounds like yes you made mistakes, but it also sounds like she uses them against you..with that email of things that hurt her, and then blaming you for the "destruction of her romantic future". She is trying to hurt you as you hurt her.

 

yeah, you're right about being her rescuer. sometimes i think i've been programmed to think a relationship is supposed to be like some dramatic love story. at this point i don't know what love is to me anymore. i guess i only long for what "used to be."

 

You need to move on. You must get away - in my opinion after 10 years, this relationship is almost too toxic to go back to...there is too much resentment and pain and guilt neither of you can let go of.

 

Right now...you think no one can compare because you ARE still comparing. You need to move past that, only then will you realize that comparisons are useless, and only then will you meet another woman who blows your mind away. 10 years is a lot of years to heal from, I know...no one said it is easy. But I think from everything she has said, from what you have said...you do need to move on

 

yeah, i tell myself that everyday (that i must move on), but i think the best i get so far is numbness, bitterness and isolation. i admit i still sometimes (though less often than before) just wonder if she thinks fondly about me at the end of her days when everything calms down.

 

when i go down there, i don't know what to expect. i will have to go to our house. i will have to say goodbye to my animal buddies that i really care about and that i might not see again. i will probably see some of her family members. i'll have to talk to a girl i once loved who will either be polite or rude, but still the one who stomped on my heart.

 

furthermore, something else has been eating away at me. i feel like my friend (that i've known for longer than i've known my ex) deceived me about his meeting, drinking, hanging out with her at his apt. he told me about it like 5 or 6 weeks after it happened. if he had told me about it right away i could have had a greater opportunity to salvage my relationship with my ex or at least not be so surprised by our breakup. so, not only did his secrecy sabotage my relationship with my ex, but it destroyed my trust for my best friend. how could he not tell me what happened? he claimed nothing physical happened between them and that they just got drunk and talked (mainly her) about me. but i still feel like there is something -- a lot really -- that he is not telling me and will always keep to himself. there seems to be such a lack of details like what they discussed --anything at all. it's kind of weird that it would be so unclear in his mind as he claims. he did at one point say she was hitting on him and i asked how and he said something like "it's hard to say really, i just got the idea she was hitting on me." in me subsequent conversations with him, he changes the subject pretty soon after i bring it up. his dialogue is suspicious. how can i deal with this? everytime i talk to him now i think "what a f*cker!!" we've been good friends for so long. i'm supposed to see him too when i go down there. maybe i can bring this up when we are face-to-face so i can get a better indication if he is being truthful with me or not.

 

he says she initiated the meeting but he also didn't decline it. this seems kind of contradictory to another statement he made about "not wanting to get involved." maybe he just wanted to see if he could "get some" with minimal effort.

 

also, in my subsequent phone conversations with him he always says things like "you need to move on" (with a negative tone) or "you aren't going to try to get back with her -- are you?"

 

i really feel like he is lying or withholding something. it just adds to the loneliness. another person i "thought" i knew. do i move on from both of them?

[RayKay]

Hey, nice to hear from you again

 

Ah, one of the great fallacies is that romance and relationships are meant to be full of drama...they occur, but they are not what true love is made of. Many people seem to thrive on the up and down emotions a rollercoaster relationship provides...the lows are low, but the highs so high. Little do they realize, normal relationships, while they have ups and downs, spend more time on the up, and are more rewarding and satisfying ultimately.

 

We all want to be loved for whom we are and to love another for whom they are, not to love & thrive on the drama that some relationships bring.

 

I don't know about your friend but it does sound "odd", and like he knows more than you do. Not necessarily that anything went on, but maybe she told him something, or he knows from her actions she is not worth it but does not want to hurt you either......I would not rule him out right away as a friend, when you see him, maybe you will get a better idea of his intentions and what is going on. I'd say they were both at fault for the secrecy of that visit, but I can't tell you what went or did not go on...maybe he did not tell you as he was being selfish, or did not want to hurt you..who knows! Maybe ask him?