Did I chase her into his arms?

[plantim]

My wife cheated on me after almost 6 years. She said it is over. But I don't think so. Trust has to be rebuilt. We have kids so it gets muddy. I love, deeply. i told her I want to stay and work it out. Am I playing th fool? I think we deserve a chance to make it. I love her so much. Because of my fear of success and failure I let things get stale. I sabottaged us unconsciously. Should I share the blame? I feel I should.

[darkblue]

Welcome to enotalone.

 

Your wife and your first priority should be the children.

She has to be grown up enough to consider the feelings and effect this is going to have on the child.

 

You should consider going to see a therapist to deal with your own issues and maybe consider, and at least talk about marriage councilling for your relationship.

[plantim]

We have both been married before. She has a child, now 12 We also have a son whom I cannot do this to. We owe it to them. I am seeking counseling thanks to some advice from an unseen friend....my brother. I will make myself happy and hope that in that process she joins me. Should I take some blame knowing how cold and disconnected I can be?

[darkblue]

Don't pile too much guilt onto yourself.

 

As you said:

 

My wife cheated on me after almost 6 years.

 

In the timescale of six years, she knew your personality and most likely knew that you were 'disconnected'.

[plantim]

The pain is so deep.

[arwen]

Plantim, I am sorry for your situation. I think in this case SHE should be the one begging for another chance, not you. I can imagine your pain, and anger for what she is doing to her children.

 

How was your marriage prior to her infidelity, and how were her and your other marriages/relationships? Can you discern any similarities? You need to figure out the patterns of events that lead up to situations like this, in order to avoid them in the future, even if you have separate futures.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[btbt]

Don't be too hard on yourself, but acknolwedge the ways that you might have contributed to this (which you are). Instead of getting stuck in guilt and self-criticism, this is a good time to change those things (as it is for her).

 

I'm glad you have the children in mind first. But, though, I'm not an advocate of divorce, brace yourself for a very long road ahead to reconciliation. If it's the right thing, you can do it! I'm sorry that you are going through such a hard time.

[lifegoeson]

I understand how deeply you are hurting. I went through the same

 

thing. It is now 3 years since the divorce. I did not want it but my ex

 

was stringing me along for to long while living with the other woman.

 

I have stopped blaming myself. I did not choose to put another person

 

ahead of the children, I did not choose to break the marriage vows, he

 

did. He became disconnected because of his job. Always worked, left me

 

home with the children 24/7, then 3,7 and 9 which I would do all over

 

again to have these great children.

 

You need to understand the children are the most innocent victims here,

 

your love needs to be strong for them. YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF, then

 

you can give the children what they need.

 

My children hurt so much from the divorce. Everything you read about

 

the children being resilliant istrue but do they need to suffer because of

 

their parents selfishness! Mychildren cry when they have to go with their

 

Dad. He hardly calls, doesn't live up to his agreement in the divorce

 

settlement. Our oldest daughter told me she feels like she is with an uncle

 

not her father, she is very disconnected, she also said she feels that a

 

part of her heart is missing. Infidelity is fun for those in the middle of it

 

but for those of us caught in the ripples painful is not even close.

 

All of you feelings for your wife are normal, she lost her feelings for you

 

a long time ago, then opportunity came knocking and she opened the

 

selfishness door. You on the other hand still choose to love her, you have

 

to process everything, look at the whole picture, as if you are not

 

involved but someone observing from the very beginning. What was the

 

relationship like in the beginning. Was she still married? Why did her first

 

marriage end? Is it a pattern of infidelity? Does she always want things

 

her way? Did you just take her for granted?

 

The early times of discovery suck, you have so many questions and no

 

answers.

 

I do recommend you go to counceling, she also has to agree that she

 

needs help and will get it. Then go for couples counceling.

 

Love is a choice, you either make it work or walk away, it takes 2. I hope

 

things work out for you, you children and that your wife makes the right

 

choice.

[RandomAdvisor]

Well, you can't fix your marrige if your wife is adament that it's over. You both have to be committed to fixing things in order for it to work. Is her cheating on you an ongong affair, or was it a one time thing?

[plantim]

All of you are kind. Good to know I am not alone. I am reading a book right now called Fogiving the unforgivable. Very good. All of my feelings and processes that I am going through are in this book. That alone lifted some weight. It tells me thats these wounds and changes are permanent. No matter what happens to us we are changed people and a new set of rules for living are formed. didn't understand that until now.

[lovelyone]

sorry about the situation .It hurts very bady, but if you can forgive and forget work it out. The problem is once a cheater always a cheater.It is like addiction.Hope she can change. your kids need both of you for their good life.

 

Good luck.

[plantim]

Why she cheated is a still a mystery. Many reason I do not accept blame, however I do except some responsibilities. Lots of confusion. LOTS.