men leading on women

[Caterina]

If a guy leads a girl on, what are his motivations? Also, how can you tell the difference between actual interest or leading on?

[OGRobzGr8]

From a guy's point of view, if I'm not really interested in that person, and get can't away from them (I work with them, they know mutual friends...are stalking me...) and I don't want to completely destroy their sense of self worth, then I'll politely lead them on until they either figure it out on their own, or lose interest and move on.

 

Is this mean or cold hearted? No. Am I being a "player?" No.

 

Let's face it...you always want what you can't have. The more I tell you no, the more you're gonna keep after me. Some people just naturally set themselves up for this type of treatment by being too aggressive and making themselves look desperate. Trust me...desperation is the stink of death. I don't want to be the only thing you have going for you. And if I can tell right off the bat that you are a drama queen or a psycho, I'm not going to give you a chance. It's just not worth my time or effort.

 

Some people simply won't take "No" for an answer. They think that if they keep trying that they'll win their true love over like in the movies. And that's just annoying. Girls don't like it when guys do it and guys don't like it when girls do it. To a perfect stranger in a bar, you can be blunt and say, "Sorry...I'm just not interested" and they'll go away.

 

But when it's closer to home, like a co-worker, friend of a friend, whatever, you just can't be that blunt. Those are what we call delicate situations. If you're mean to her/him but yet you still have to see them everyday for what ever reason, it's going to make your life a living nightmare. How would you like to blow some guy off at a bar, then go to work the next day and see that he got hired the week before and is now on your team? That would be awkward.

 

So "leading them on" is actually a polite way of "blowing them off." It's a necessary evil too I'm afraid. People just get their feelings hurt way too easily to be straight with them.

 

But you can tell when you're being blown off. Let's say you blow up his phone six hundred times a day and he never picks up. And then on the one occasion you call from a blocked number and he's not thinking clearly and actually picks it up but upon hearing that it's you suddenly has to go real quick or is doing something and will call you back...you've been blown off.

 

But if he's nice enough to talk to you but won't committ to going out, has an excuse for not getting together or constantly steers the conversation away from you and him...you're being blown off.

 

Please don't take this as playing hard to get like girls do. He's not interested and just can't risk hurting you like that because he's still going to have to maintain contact with you for various reasons outside of his control. This is when you have to be mature and practical and just realize that you're better off friends and to leave it at that.

[btbt]

Robz, I can see what you are saying in trying to be tactful when showing you are not interested in someone in your social or work circle, but how about just being straightforward? If you are concerned about hurting the person or not making it awkward with other friends, the better approach seems to be to be honest rather than stringing someone along. It seems the latter would make it more awkward with friends and co-workers. And being honest about where you stand is not mean, blunt or blowing someone off.

[QTpie87]

I do have to agree with the last poster on that. It is much less hurtful in the long run even if not at the moment less hurtful to just be staight forward.

[Markers]

I agree with btbt

 

If you blow off a co-worker tactfully, you still blow him/her off, and it will be as awkward as blunt "no". Unless, of course the co-worker doesn't take the hint.. and then you'll have to blow the co-worker off again..

[Spirits Away]

Well, how did the men lead on the woman first of all. The girl have to evaluate whether he realistically flirt with her with a romantic interest in mind, or just plainly talking to the girl.

 

Just a reminder, OGRobzGr8 does not have a normal opinion that the majority of the guys would do. I didn't read the whole thing, but if we're not attracted to the girl, and we know she likes us, we naturally would want to get away from them, not pursue further. So don't hook any of his ideas into your circumstance.

[asdf]

there's the ego boost too!

[btbt]

True, there are people (men and women) who don't get the hint, but then that's all the more reason to be straightforward. I think so many people are not only afraid of being rejected, but doing the rejectING. So if we take the person who doesn't get the hint, we should look at the other side of the story and ask what those hints are -- mixed messages? yes, to sex but not much else? "Maybe some other time," instead of "I'm sorry, I don't think this will work?" People are dense, or to put it another way, hopeful.

[Mun]

Good topic Caterina. I would love to read more opinions on this.

 

There are often posts on here that ask " I don't know if he is just flirting, being nice or really interested."

 

So...

 

What would genuine interest look like guys? Explain it to me like I'm 5 yrs old.

[ves]

From a guy's point of view, if I'm not really interested in that person, and get can't away from them (I work with them, they know mutual friends...are stalking me...) and I don't want to completely destroy their sense of self worth, then I'll politely lead them on until they either figure it out on their own, or lose interest and move on.

Wow... and, ow. That one hit pretty close to home.

 

I suppose the "polite" version of saying no is to vaguely say yes? How insanely frustrating.

[Flora]

Yeah that's pretty much lame as hell. Just say whats on your mind in a well thought out gentle way...don't beat around the bush...don 't send mixed mesages, dont wait for him or her to get the hint. Sure it may hurt, but you know what...get over yourself...the destruction of their self worth is not contingent upon your feelings for them. If they are hurt...they may feel like that...but they'll get over it...they always do. I'm in a situation right now where sometimes I think I'm getting mixed messages. Yes--we work together. We went from hanging out on a regular basis to everything coming to a screeching halt. He went from calling me and being good about returning my calls to not answering his phone or returning my calls. Pretty much in one weeks time. I had to ask him if he was blowing me off. HE said he wasn't but then proceeded to tell me that he wasn' wanting a relationship right now. I thanked him for eventually being up front with me , but was upset that he didnt just come out and tell me instead of blowing me off. Love isn't rational...we often times think with our hearts instead of our heads. Even now I still wonder if he has feelings for me, but perhaps you are right, he is trying to be cool about everything because we work together.

[karime2thestars]

O.K., but if you think of it in this scenario...

 

Guy sees girl at work he thinks is cute. He decides he might like to get to know her better, so he casually begins flirting with her. Maybe he gets up the nerve to ask her out, maybe he doesn't. He realizes her personality isn't compatable with his and he begins to step back. She has already taken in that he's "interested" and engages his conversation to get to know him better too, but she realizes she's getting mixed signals. She will ultimately think the guy is a tease or a jerk if he isn't straightforward. Hello guys, 1st, it's the ultimate no-no to date someone you work with. The situations are always awkward at work when things don't work out, and 2nd, you're both going to be the subject of the rumor mill, like it or not. There are plenty of people in the world. Keep work relationships at a "friendly" level.

[dizzy_bruce]

Sometimes I flirt with girls I don't fancy and would never consider having a relationship with... thinking about it, it's a pretty inconsiderate thing to do.

 

I think my natural instinct is to flirt back when a girl shows interest in me, irrelevant of who she is.

 

Also, having girls flirt with me makes me feel cool.

[Mun]

I think they're afraid to hurt our feelings so instead we get all the mixed messages. Maybe if guys told us the old standard " I have a gf " or " let's just be friends" we would know it and recognize it as a brush off- because it's what we tell them when we know we don't want them.

[Caterina]

There are people in this world who sit and pout over what they can't have, and then there are those who pursue until they can't pursue anymore. If you are a determined sort of person, the sort of person who is challenged by obstacles, it might be a bit more difficult to deal when you have to actually work with an actual human being. At the same time, not everyone is like that. I think the best alternative is to be honest. If the person still likes you and still chases after you even though you have made it clear that it is futile, that is their problem. They will eventually have to pull out of the misery of defeat. I think that you are trying to find a nicer alternative by leading the girl on...but it only serves to be more cruel because it is offering the illusion of hope when there exists none. THis is time wasted that she could have spent seeking/being with someone that *is* interested.

[ShySoul]

Seems to me honesty is always the best policy. In the short run you may be avoiding the awkwardness of turning her down, but in the long run you are just setting her up for a bigger disappointment and heartache. You're not sparing her feelings or making things easier on yourself my leading her on, you are only making things worse. It's better to deal with an uneasy situation head on so it gets resolved and everyone can move on.

[Spirits Away]

What would genuine interest look like guys?

 

I like that question. Well, you'll know when the guy is showing interest in you when he does. Most guys are genuinely interested when you feel they are.

 

But the question is what stage in life is the guy in? Is he's emotionally matured enough to take care of a person yet? There are guys whom if you rejected on them, they'll become sad, rejected, and don't talk to you anymore. There's another type who'll still care for you, those are the ones you want to consider. But then again, i think girls are genetically made so that they get rid of losers quick, so you don't have to worry too much, you'll filter at least 85% of the people who are not capable of a long term relationship. But then again, I have to say that incapable ones are usually the genuine ones. You're looking for genuine and capable.

 

I don't know much about the other side of the equation where the guy intentionally trick girls into this and that.. Because the majority of guys aren't like that at all. Perhaps if they're capable of creating attraction to a point where you're head over heels over them at a very short period of time, you may want to shut yourself down a bit and evaluate what he did. I remember asking a player like guy how long would they know a girl before you guys sleep together. His intention is to get it the very first date. If not, it usually takes a few more dates. No pity for those girls at all for being ignorant.

 

If all he did was talk to you, then chances are, he could very well be genuine. But if he cancels on things, treats you badly for no reason, all those other manipulative moves, they are doing something. Whether they're genuine or not, you have to evaluate further (that is not to say he's not genuine either). But those are 2nd rated players. First rated would act genuine. Sometimes even emphasize on honesty themes. Maybe even tell they're from church or whatever. But don't worry too much, there are very few percentage of guys who are like that.

If they have close friends, the guys will tell you whether he's a player or not. I have a friend who player-like, if the guy brought his female friend to us, we friends would genuinely want to tell what's best for the female.

[asdf]

i would've thought women leading men on was more common. most guys i know are direct and simple enough. most girls i know don't want to hurt a guys feelings and will just be nice to them.

[Santa]

Sometimes guys just practice on girls... like to build confidance and that. Sorry.

[Caterina]

Those aren't guys, those are parasites.

[cranberry]

Sheyda wrote:

 

 

Sheyda, I am going through a similar situation, except I put my guard up to stop myself from falling for this guy. He does similar things like the guy mentioned above. He looks at me when he thinks I'm not looking, gets jealous and quiet when he thinks guys are flirting with me, offers me rides home...but at least I know that he has a girlfriend/is dating someone.

 

Hence, I would also like to know WHY a guy would do that?

[DropToZero]

Sometimes guys just practice on girls... like to build confidance and that. Sorry.

 

Those aren't guys, those are parasites.

 

Ouch...harsh words. Actually if you sit and think about it, guys that don't very naturally know how to flirt, have to practice. It's the only way to get better so you don't mess up when it comes to a girl you really like. I mean there are always possible faults in the plan...when I first learning I practiced on a girl I had fun talking to , but had no real intentions of dating....and in the end I learned more than enough and ended up kinda falling for her...so we did date.

 

Also I can flirt with just about any girl now...even ones I have no romantic interest in, there is just a certain line I won't cross so she and I both know it's just for fun. There can be physical contact, but not a lot or prolonged contact...verbal flirting is almost anything goes tho.

 

And don't forget...b/c I don't see much defense, girls do it too..[/i]

[arwen]

I think they're afraid to hurt our feelings so instead we get all the mixed messages. Maybe if guys told us the old standard " I have a gf " or " let's just be friends" we would know it and recognize it as a brush off- because it's what we tell them when we know we don't want them.

 

Yes, let's please keep it the old way, ok?

 

I am insanely attracted to a co-worker, BUT!

 

*don't start the don't-date-coworkers-speech yet*

 

I am only a temp, and will be there for a month more

 

I had a relationship with someone I met at a side job, but that was only 3 nights in a week and it never was a problem, actually. But now that I work fulltime, I can see why dating a co-worker can be ... troublesome so to say!

 

Ilse.

[DropToZero]

Sorry, but if they are going to go and do what they did to me just to "practise" then yes, they are parasites and should go crawl back up whoever's colon they were excreted from like the filthy tapeworms that they are. If this guy who manipulated me was just "practising" it was a very selfish and heartless thing to do; playing with an innocent person's emotions just to improve their skills at getting laid.

 

Okay...so you were pissed, you fell for a guy who liked to flirt...I'm sorry, but you don't need to think that just b/c a guy flirts he's doing it to like you. Girls will flirt with guys un-knowingly and usually do it more often than guys b/c they are the ones that usually intiate any sort of physical contact. I won't touch a girl until she touches me...just my rule. And you think guys dont need practice?...so you think some of us should just be boring and talk about boring things...not knowing how to flirt...be really fidgety around women...I mean com'on...in order to get better at something, you have to DO it more often, and the best way to do it is to practice. And it's not just to get laid...you're making VERY VERY forward comments.

 

How can you be sure that the girls you flirt with know that it's "just for fun"? Unless you talk about it and you've made it very clear to each other that you aren't interested in dating or anything, it's not fair on her to do such a thing. This could be the reason why so many people come on here wondering what on Earth is going on; some guy/girl is just flirting with them for practise and assumes that they know that even though said guy/girl never opened their mouth and said anything.

 

I can be sure b/c like I said, I don't cross any certain lines. Now for example....there is one co-worker I flirt with here and there, and she really likes talking to me. I intiated the flirting, she actually intiated the physical contact, but like I said we don't do it often. She has a b/f, and I don't cross any lines....she knows I don't like her like that b/c I can talk to her about any problems or girls I've dated. And really...a lot of girls enjoy hanging with a guy who knows how to flirt....at least I've found that out...before I really knew how to flirt I had a few numbers in my phone, but the girls rarely or never called me. Now that I know how I have many more friends that are women and they call me to hang out....or talk...etc...it's just much easier b/c they really LIKE talking with me compared to being boring and not knowing much about flirting.

 

And "girls do it too" is no justification for what that guy did to me if he was just "practising"... I don't do that to guys myself, so why should I have it done to me? What did I do to deserve such a horrible thing? Yes, there are girls out there who do that, but that doesn't mean that it's perfectly fine for everyone to go repeating the experience I went through on other innocent people.

 

Okay, so you again...fell for a guy that liked to flirt with you. What's not normal about it?...it happens all the time...you're not in that rare of a situation. It's not a horrible thing...leading on by flirting and nothing else is not leading on, it's just a way of conversation that's fun and you let it get to you b/c you liked him. That's YOUR mind taking you where you wanted to go and you're letting his actions define themselves as "He likes me." Leading on is flirting, possibly dating here and there, MUCH physical contact , and possibly kissing too...and then dropping them like they were never part of your life...it happened to one of my good friends.

[bobster]

Sheyda- I'm sorry to hear what you have went through but you talk as if your life is over! Your only 19 and have learned alot already. You must have started daing this guy when you were what 16ish??

 

I know you must be very very hurt right now but, honest genuine guys will come to you. As for the flirting thing...........well I have no answer to that, we all practise flirting, if we didn't the world (and work) would be very boring!!!