How do i show him ive changed?

[Shy_Girl25]

Hi,

 

Well some of you may have read my last post about how the guy im seeing was ignoring me and i wasnt sure why. Well today would have marked a month of silence, but i heard from him last night.

I was preparing myself to walk away, figuring that i would never talk to him again. I messaged him to ask him to mail me some things of mine, including a best friend necklace i had given him and a ring that i had given him (both non-expensive, but sentimental). I wanted them back because i didnt want them to get thrown out. i didnt think he wanted them anymore. But he responded (first time in almost a month) and seemed hurt and angry that i wanted them back.

i told him it was just because i thought he didnt want them anymore and that i wanted him to have them, and if he still wanted them, then he could keep them.

Then i asked him why he hasnt been talking to me. he said it was because his life is complicated and he was tired of my childish games and behavior. i was expecting this response, but it still hurt. for 2 years i have known my childish behavior bothered him and i knew it would cost my him.....and it did. I told him ive changed a lot in the past month and he said people dont change overnight and that i have issues that i need to work out (not sure which ones hes thinking of) and that hes tired of being a therapist. i have change. my childish side is dead now and in truth im happier that way. I know i need to go slow right now and proceed with caution, but i not sure what to do. i feel like i dont have the right to ask for another chance, and i want him to see that ive changed. I really dont know what to do at this point. Any advice is very much welcome. hes not only the man i love, but hes also my best friend. i dont want to loose him.

PS Would it be considered "childish" to message him and ask if he is mad at me? i really want to know if he is or not.

[reflectionlessmirror]

Yes, to email "Are you mad at me?" Does sound VERY childish, kind of like the little notes from elementary school that says "Do you like me? Please cirlce one: yes no maybe. Here is an option you to chew on. He answered your email reguarding the jewelery, so how about a follow up email. "I am sorry I asked you for the rings/necklace back. I didnt know that they meant alot to you. I am just wondering how you are doing?"

[Jai]

Hey Shy Girl

I think if I were you I'd ask him what it is exactly that bothers him so that your clear as to what it is that he considers childish .... now you must have a little but of a clue cause you said you knew it would cost you him, however there is nothing wrong with being clear on things..... I think its also clear that hes probably upset and possibbly even angry with you for asking for the things you gave him back(that he might of thought of as childish) but again if you just explain to him that you just didnt want him to throw them out he should understand that ..... Now for a guy to see a change in a girl you need to change some things that would always tick him off and when your with him, when hes ready to give you a try, thats when you need to show him...... and trust me he will do the things that may have set you off into a childish reaction just to test it out. So u best be ready for it if your serious, but it may take a bit of time before your guy is ready to give you another chance, so just give him time and space to think and when you think your honestly ready to be able to make the change ask him to do something that you would only do as friends and give things a try and that all you can do for now

Goodluck

 

[btbt]

I would add a warning -- restarting a relationship based on someone promising to change is tricky ground. It sets the tone for you to always be on guard and for the other person to be critical of you, e.g. oh, she did this so she hasn't changed. You might be setting yourself up for a relationship where both parties have unreasonable expectations of each other. It is very hard to change for another person (though not impossible). Maybe you shouldn't sell yourself short and find someone who is not asking you to change but finds your quirks attracting and endearing. But, with honesty and communication things could work out as long as you are both ready for it.

[Shy_Girl25]

First of all we were talking on MSN and we didnt talk very long. As for the jewelery, i told him i wanted him to have it still, i just didnt want it to be thrown out.

I am not changing just for him, i am changing for myself as well. i hated my childish ways, but at the time it wasnt really costing me anything. my guy was still hanging around so i figured it was alright, or i would try and justify it with lame excuses. I guess all i can really do is just give it time. I just really really hope he hasnt been seeing anyone else.....what would be the best way to go about finding out if he has been?

 

I will message him to see if he will tell me the specific "issues" that bother him and i will try and make it not childish.

[Shy_Girl25]

Question - is it childish if i come right out and ask him if hes ever gonna talk to me again?

I want to know, because i dont want to waste my time if he isnt. if hes not gonna talk to me than i need to start the "grieving" process for the relationship (and thats gonna be a long process).

[Süsser Tod]

Yep, that would be childish, extremely. And not only that, you are pressuring him into giving you an answer even before he has had a chance to meet your "new you".

 

Take it slowly. If you want him back, you'll have to prove yourself, and part of that will be acting mature (letting things happen).

[Süsser Tod]

Oh, I should hear my own advise? Yes, I know it.

[Shy_Girl25]

I really want to bang my head on the desk. i really dont know what to do at this point and im not the most patient person. I have four big questions that i want to ask him:

 

1) Is he willing to give me a second chance

 

2) is he seeing someone else

 

3) is he ever going to talk to me again

 

4) is he ever going to try and see the real me

 

I really want him to talk to me, and just sort it all out. i wish i were a mind reader. time to learn that patience i keep talking about.

[Süsser Tod]

Honestly...

 

1) Is he willing to give me a second chance

 

Probably not, specially not at this time.

 

2) is he seeing someone else

 

Only he knows, but if he wants to be with you, he wont.

 

3) is he ever going to talk to me again

 

Probably, 2 years of his life can't be forgotten so fast. But I don't think thats your real question.

 

4) is he ever going to try and see the real me

 

Read the answers to the other three questions. Don't try to fool yourself, you only have one question, and thats it "will he date me again?".

 

The answer is, probably not at this time. Give him time, give him time to heal, he can't come back to the relationship with open wounds, he must heal those before coming back.

 

If he doesn't, it will be like the return of my GF, after being separated for 2 months, after a 3 year relationship, she came back. Those were 4 great days, but at the end of day 4 we had what should had been a small fight. But she freaked out, as it was affecting her old wounds, and ran away...

[Shy_Girl25]

I will admit that i want to date him again, i wont hide the fact that i love him with all my heart. but hes also my best friend and i think thats what is bugging me the most right now. it feels like a part of me is missing.......