Finding the strength not to go back....

[Jo Jo]

Two days ago I broke up with my fiance'. He was controlling, untrusting, and mean when I would complain. My story is my ex best friend declared she was a lesbian, her husband (my fiance') was diagnosed with a meniogma brain tumor and was going to die without surgery. I went through his surgery, his divorce, and let him move in (lost house in divorce) maintaining a friendship. Then the romance started. I knew it was wrong to date, marry, be engaged to your best friends ex, but I felt compassion and we shared so much and fell in love. We decided we would get married. We had explosive arguments when I would complain. It didn't matter if I said I had a bad day and needed to vent or made a silly comment about being tired of doing dishes and laundry. He has 2 unruly children (6 yrs. and 14 yrs.) who I have known for 3 years. I am a caretaker and always have been. He is affectionate and caring, but if I tried to discuss something that I didn't like, he bacame very angry. I have had education in human services and psychology and I try to communicate effectively...such as I'm not upset with you but I need to discuss the fact that Deb (his daughter) didn't thank me for paying to have her nails done, or buying father's day gifts. I expected (which may be my problem) for him to say, "well, I will talk to her". Instead he said well kids will be kids and a huge argument ensued. He's moved out now. This happened before and he moved out the last time and then came back. I know what is healthy and I don't believe we have a healthy relationship. We should be able to discuss negative issues without threatening, yelling, or calling names. If he contacts me this time how do I protect myself from being suckered back into the "I'm sorry, I love you". This CYCLE will not end...life happens everyday and I need to be able to address issues that concern me in a civil manner. Thanks for any input. Sorry I tried to keep this short.

[pi_anochik]

The next time he calls you, REMEMBER all the things he's put you through, all the time's he's said sorry and you've forgiven him, yet he STILL did the things he does. You KNOW that having him around is not good for you. That's an important step to the recovery process. You know the problem. You need to harden your heart to him. Tell him that it's too late for sorries. Tell him that he's used all of his 'sorry's up and you're not going to take what he puts you through anymore. When he says "I love you" to try to get you to take him back, just say "I love you too, but I can't and won't live like that anymore. I'm not going to be your doormat." I know that being tough is hard, but you're already strong. You HAVE the strength to do it, so USE that strength. You cannot let him do this to you, sister. Show him that you aren't going to take it!!! I hope things work out well for you, and I know you can do it!!!

[Jo Jo]

Thank you. I know right from wrong. I have access to stay at a friend's house so I am "safe" if you will. It's just tough. I love the good qualities in him, but I so dislike the fact that he says things that make me feel so unworthy. He is very smooth about telling me thoughtful things and then things are fine. I know it is inevitable that another argument is just around the corner waiting to happen. I know I am not perfect and I never claimed to be, I can admit my wrongs/faults even though he says I can't. In any case, thanks for your kind words. I know I can't go back or take him back. I have a mortgage and horses and a dog and a cat and school and I need so badly to focus on feeling better about myself. I need to remember that I am not a door mat for him, his children or his ex-wife and I need to find the strength to turn him away should he try to contact me. The other thing that is difficult and I hope it's normal is I want to hear from him so I know that he loved me. Pretty dysfunctional, I know, but at least I would know that he really did love me and I wasn't just a caretaker. I know in my heart of hearts that I wasn't but still. Ugh!

[Ephemeral 2]

Your very right this relationship does not sound healthy at all. If he contacts you then just remember all the arguments you had. It's obvious that you have tried to reason with him calmly and it didn't work. Were you able to get any idea as to why he was so offensive?

 

Maybe he thought that there was something wrong with him if you were unhappy about the slightest thing. Something along those lines anyway. Just know that you deserve someone better. Someone that can truly be there with you on every level of your life.

 

Just stay strong and chant to yourself that you deserve better if you need too. You'll be fine.

[Jo Jo]

My fear is that I remember the arguments and I remember the mean and hurtful words said, however when things were good they were really good. I used to say we loved passionately and we fight passionately. I can be incredibly stubborn, however I want to know that I am normal and okay. I do have depression and I take my "happy pills" every day. I am handling this break VERY well as opposed to how I have handled things in the past. His biological mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia and bi-polar and we have discussed on many levels that perhaps he has some issues, but he focuses all of his energy on "fixing" me and never admitting that perhaps he has faults. What is so odd, is how well I am doing and I don't want to fall back into the drama and fighting and I am not sure I have the strenght to turn him away SHOULD he contact me. I don't know, I am probably just making a mountain out of mohill...he may really be gone but I don't know. I am the type of person who is compassionate and caring (Gee, the caretaker quality, again) and when I see tears and apologies I have a difficult time turning away.

[Ephemeral 2]

First understand that you are COMPLETELEY normal.

 

I can understand your worries about the caretaker qualities in you, I'm like that myself. You know though that he's not right for you. Yes it's painful now and you think you won't be able to turn him away since you still have feelings for him but you'll get over him. You've already taken the steps as it is since you know why he's bad for you.

 

To satisfy those caretaker qualities for if he does come back you can look at it this way. You know that he has serious problems to address. They are problems that make him an unsuitable boyfriend and if you take him back your letting him escape those issues. That would be unfair to the both of you in the long run. Also think about his kids. He needs to shape up or his kids will be completley out of control.

 

 

If he's truly ready to admit he needs help and comes to you for it be there for him strictly as a friend if you think you can handle it. Don't do yourself,him or his kids the injustice of going out with or marrying him. He is obviously not ready.

 

You will be fine. Give it some time. I know it's a cliche but time heals all wounds. Be happy that you were able to share great times with him but know that, that chapter of your life is finished. You sound like a very smart and loving person. You will definitely find someone that can treat you with respect and wants to make you happy in every aspect of your life.

 

Good Luck though you don't really need it.

 

Sincerely,

Ephemeral

[Jo Jo]

WOW!! Thank you for the words of encouragement, I truly appreciate your time to post a message and give advice. 9:42 Arizona time and my puppy is barking so my heart is anticipating contact, but nothing. Which, I should be greatful, oh dear. This situation is just difficult. For lack of all better words, this sucks, big time!

[Ephemeral 2]

No problem anytime!! If you ever need anything else feel free to contact me.