Do I listen to my heart or my head...?

[alpal]

My boyfriend and i were together for just under a year in what I thought was a fantastic relationship but recently I found out that he cheated on me on an overseas work trip.

The sad thing is I tried to find out by asking him direct questions but he lied to my face. I couldn't get rid of the gut feelings, they just wouldn't go away. My family and friends told me I was being ridiculous and nobody believed he would do that to me. The torture I put myself through sent me nuts and I started looking in his diary and personal belongings for clues. Eventually I hacked into his email and found exactly what I knew to be true and had to read about the whole romantic affair. I'm heartbroken but have amazed myself at how well I have handled the whole thing, it was a sense of relief that i wasn't going crazy after all.

The trouble is HE is a complete mess, a broken man and I have never seen anyone so remorseful. He is pleading with me to give it another go and that he has lost the best thing that ever happened to him etc etc...

Is it really possible that you don't realise what you have until it's gone?

I am torn in two, how can you hate someone and love them at the same time? I just don't know what to do, he says he wants to change and has even been to see a counsellor. (it hasn't even been 2 weeks)

I am staying away until things are crystal clear for me but is it possible for someone to change after a huge proverbial wake up call?

 

Guys help me out, I'm not heartless but it's a huge risk for me to trust him again... Your thoughts and experiences much appreciated...

 

Sleepless...

[hockeyboy]

could you forgive him?

[shorty20]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I was with someone for about a year and a half and found out the cheated on me.... the sad part is I had to hear it from his best friend, who said I deserved to know, and that I deserved better than him. My boyfriend was very sorry, very remorsefull.... the key is with things like this, you have to be willing to let it go and trust him again. If you take him back, but haven't forgiven him, it's going to be like the black clowd over your relationship. I truly believe that a relationship can continue after soemone is unfaithfull, as long as that person is willing to try their hardest to prove to their partner that they regret it and will never ever do it again... but it's also necessary for the person that was cheated on to be able to forgive... and move on and forward in the relationship. If you can't do this, I don't blame you... it's a very hard thing to do. The thing is, he can make it easier for you by always being there, and re-assuring you that YOU are the only one for him. As long as he knows it's going to take work, and trust building on his part, and as long as you know it's going to take trust and a leap of faith on your part, yes I do think that you guys can move on and forward as long as you both know what is expected of you. Good Luck. I can't say I know exactly how you feel, because each situation is different, but I do know how it feels to be cheated on my someone you love, and to have them lie to your face about it. If you ever need to talk or need more advice, feel free to PM me with anything. Hang in there, hun

[bellamcb]

My now-husband cheated on me back when we had been together for about a year. I was devastated (and shocked because like everyone else, I NEVER would have expected it). I agree with Shorty though. Relationships can survive this.

 

The real challenge comes in with the trust. I still, 5 years and a marriage later, periodically get suspicious. I'm not a jealous or suspicious person by nature and it bugs me that I can be like that. But it's the way it is. He is very good looking and I know women come on to him, sometimes even in front of me, but I have learned to trust him ( as long as I know where he is! )

 

I think that if he is truly remorseful it is possible that it was a mistake and it won't happen again. You seem to be doing all the right things: taking it slow, letting him and you deal with your feelings separately. For me, it took months before I was able to try again but I'm glad I did. We're now working on a family.

 

Good luck.

[alpal]

Thanks for your posts, I am finding it easier as each day goes by.

I still haven't made a decision to take him back but I guess if he is truly sorry for what he did he will wait as long as it takes.

 

I do think I can forgive him but what I need to decide is whether or not this is what I want in the long term, things would have to be very different and I just need to accept that even if I try I might not regain those special feelings.

 

Time will tell,

 

Thanks heaps for the encouragement,

 

Al

[DR1665]

There are some things in life that happen which we will always regret. You can not change what happened. You can only change how you let them affect you. If you believe he is sincere in his apologies for hurting you (and not just at the thought of being caught), then I believe you should give him another chance. Obivously, something like this is never going to be forgotten, but once it's been dealt with, there shouldn't be a need to bring it up again.

 

Love is all about forgiveness. The reason we get angry is because we are hurt or afraid of getting hurt. He hurt you, no doubt about it. I'm sure you'd rather he backed into you with his car than do some damn fool thing like this, but if he is genuinely sorry for it, and he genuinely loves and wants to be with you alone, perhaps this was just a painful lesson for the both of you to learn.

 

I believe that, the greater the risk, the greater the rewards. You have to be willing to risk everything to win the jackpot. Wish I could put that more eloquently, but it's more a gut feeling than anything else.

 

He knows that he did something terrible and that he may very well have lost what truly means the most to him. If he is sincere, you could very well mean more to him now than ever. Just as someone who has a "near death experience" realizes that life is too short to sit on the sidelines, someone who almost lost all that they cared about stands to refocus their attention on that bond.

 

Good luck to you both.