Is It Because He's White??

[JasminesMommy]

Hello everyone. I have a serious decision here on my hands. I've been friends with this man (who's white) for over 5 years now. He is so sweet. He's been there for me all the time. He cares a lot about my daughter, he's a friendly guy so he gets along with everyone, etc. All together, he's a real stand up guy. Up until about a year ago, he was with this woman that took him on a real tail spin. So basically, we've been there in the others' time of need.

Well, just recently, my parents have noticed that we've been spending more time together and also because I've been talking about him moreso and they say I'm acting star-struck or something. But I'm not. So my problem is they basically say that he can't care for a woman who's single with a child (me) and that if I want to consider being with him, then I should find somewhere else to live!! Can you believe this? They just said this last night after some heated words. I know they're just saying this because of his race (he's white, I'm black). So what do you think I should do? All opnions appreciated

[Day_Walker]

Im not exactly sure what you are getting at, are you living in your parents house and they are saying if you want to see this guy that you will have to move out of their house or are they saying that because of the interracial relationship that you will have to move out of the south? If they have a problem with him being white then thats their issue, it doesnt mean you have to accept it. Who knows exactly how serious they are but only time will tell, this does make your situation harder but then again it is your choice to do what you want in this situation.

[lillady898]

That's wrong of your parents to say. Just because he's of a different race, whether it was hispanic, asian, or any other race, doesn't mean he can't care for you and your daughter. As long as you're under their roof, however, it seems there's not much you can do other than a.) move out or b.) try rationalizing with them. They should atleast try to understand. Have you tried telling them how much he has done for you and your daughter?

[JasminesMommy]

Well, right now I am staying with my parents because of issues with my ex (long story) and I've been living with them at their home to save up, get myself together again, etc. I've been living with them for about 8 months now. And although they didn't specifically say it's because they are concerned about us being two different races, I know it's what they're saying in their heads. And this is because my older sister married a man who was was dating and eventually married an Italian and my parents were upset about this.

I just don't know what to do . I can't just say I want to be with him because it's not like he lives by himself. (He's 23 and in grad school, so living with his parents right now) . But at the same time, I've been through a lot with my ex and in love/relationships period! And it seems like he's one of the good guys that I could be missing out on. I feel so sad, because I like spending time with him, but if this is just the beginning of resistance to interracial couples, then I'm very worried. Any ideas on what approach to take with this?

[JasminesMommy]

Is anybody currently or previously had personal experience with resistance to interracial dating?

[misery12]

I think you should tell your parents, that if they're not going to support you, and be discrimitive, and racist against this un-deserving man, then you don't want to live with them anyways.

This should show them how stupid/immature they're acting, and hopefully will reconsider.

[BellaDonna]

I have a very good friend who is white and dating an African American man. Her mother is giving her Hell over the relationship, and she thinks it's strictly race-related.

 

I think the best way to assess the situation is to come right out and ASK your family if that's what their problem with him is.

 

It's hard to talk people out of years of stereotypes and discriminatory beliefs, but you can certainly make it known that you think your parents behavior is unacceptable and shallow.

 

they basically say that he can't care for a woman who's single with a child (me) and that if I want to consider being with him, then I should find somewhere else to live!!

 

I would tell your parents that they obviously are not "caring for you" if they're going to kick you out based on simply dating a person. They are passing judgement before anything has even happened. Tell them that all race aside, you would expect your own blood to care for you, and right now he's doing a better job at it then they are. Tell them they are not setting a good example for their grandchild if they teach her to discriminate against others based on the color of their skin.

 

if this is just the beginning of resistance to interracial couples, then I'm very worried

 

Don't let your parents behavior speak for the rest of society. Sure, there are small-minded people out there that will have a problem with it- but they are not even worth worrying about. If this is someone you truly like and want to try dating, and it feels right, follow your heart.

[Jetta]

Well I've been in an interracial relationship. I thought my parents were against us because of his race, it wasn't the case. But at the time I was too hot headed to listen to what they were saying and instead rebelled, even though in my heart I knew they were right. He really was trouble. In your case, yes race could be why they are against him, but there really may be some truth to what they're saying. You need to calmly talk with them, instead of reacting as I did.

[smallworld]

Is anybody currently or previously had personal experience with resistance to interracial dating?

 

Yes I've been there, but the real problem is you live with your parents right now. I know you're saving up, but as long as you live under their roof, they have the right to make whatever inane rules they want.

 

Once you're self-sufficient, it's none of their business who you date and fall in love with.

 

As for the guy, I think you really need to sit down and talk to him, find out where this "thing" between you is going. Are you simply friends who take care of each other in between relationships or are you becoming something more? You need to find out where he stands in order to decide whether you want to further invest your emotions and pursue a relationship with him or not. If he isn't interested, then it's pointless to get into a philsophical debate with your parents about interracial relationships. Pick your battles wisely...

[DN]

Perhaps they are concerend about him being able to suppost you and your child.

 

I think you first of all need to decide if you want to be with him. If not, then let it go. If you do want to pursue a relationship then talk to them about it more calmly.

 

You may have to move out as soon as you can afford it.

[angelbomb101]

Well. Your friend sounds like a really awesome person and you seem to think very highly of him. I know what it's like to have your parents threaten you because of another person not quite being the "knight in shining armour" they had quite impictured for their little girl. I am a white gal raised in a christian home, seriously dating a black Muslim man. So it has been quite the battle! If you can imagine. Not only is my man black but he's also a Muslim. My Christian parents were stunned. lol. The threats were on! They tried everything to convince me that he wasnt right for me. (all very rediculous attempts i'll have u know.) I do respect my parents very much, and i appreciate their wisdom and opinions. But as for this case I decided that they were wrong and chose not to listen to them. They were trying to control me. I am a grown adult and very capable of deciding what is good for me and what is not. My parents had raised me to accept all people of all faiths and races. I guess dating someone of a different faith and race wasn't what they were talking about.I'm not sure what would have happened if he was a Christian. I'm not exactly sure if their disregards has anything to do with him being black but I do think it's part of it. My suggestion to you, is to decide for yourself what's right for you. If you know that this guy is a wonderful amazing guy that u'd love too date. He treats you good and treats your Child wonderfully, I'd say go for it. You said your parents said those things to you in a "heated" discussion. so it was obviously out of anger. People say some horrible things when theyre angry. If you do decide to date your friend, perhaps try sitting down and having a mature adult non-heated discussion with ur parents about why you want to date this man. Maybe even have them get to know him first. I know, sounds easier than it is to do. But really, look at what you want and believe and not what your parents want and believe. Hopefully, they can learn to grow to care about his guy as much as you do. Hope it all works out for ya!

[freedom]

Good grief.. people here talk about it being wrong for the parents to be discriminting. So damn what?? They have their beliefs and just asking them what their problem is isnt going to solve the problem. So what if they(parents) say, "he's WHITE"?? SO what?? it isnt going to make a damn difference, you can lecture them on being discrimintory. SO what?? that isnt going to change a damn thing.

 

I suppose the way to get it through to them is to explain that you dont even know if anything is going to come out of it. You are just friends right now. What will make them 'see' is by showing them how strong you are and that you arent discrimintory. If this guy is good then great if not then you won't have him. Either way you have the brains to look after yourself and your child without decriminating.

[Mrs Elliott Smith]

What approach to take . . . well, wait until he's done with grad school, wait until you get yourself back on your feet, and then take if from there. I mean, stay involved with him, if you think he's such a great guy, and that he would eventually make a wonderful husband. But don't make it too obvious to your parents that you're still into him (and possibly even more into him).

 

Reason being: 1. You don't want to create tension with your parents while you're living at home. I know this sounds kind of selfish, but make sure that your needs are being met-- anything that threatens the fulfillment of those needs should be avoided. 2. Once he finishes grad school and lands himself a secure job, and once you get yourself on your own feet, it will only show your parents that you both are ready and fully capable of making a relationship work. Your parents will no longer have that, "he can't take care of you" type of attitude.

 

If all of this does happen, and they blatantly inform you that it's a racial issue, well . . . I don't know what to say. It'd seem natural to tell them that if they love you, then they should want to see you happy, and that regardless of race/ethnicity, or whatever, the most important thing is that a man treats you well, loves you, and will be able to support a family. There's "garbage" in every race, color, ethnicity, and culture, so you taking a chance with this white guy is just the same as taking a chance wtih a black guy, white guy, hispanic guy, middle eastern guy, and so on.

 

I wish you lots of luck with your guy and this issue. I've known several people who let their parents affect their interracial relationships, and it's really sad. Don't let it happen to you.

[agualibre777]

Hey, I understand you in a way. I come from the opposite way, white woman. I've dated a few black men, and one of them, we are friends now with heavy flirtation, I've become really close to. Luckily I'm not close to my parents, but I'm sure they'de have something to say, but I'm sure as in your case it would be indirect. Even my brother was like "you've been into black men". No, I date *anyone* I told him. As long as they are hot.

 

As you know, it's really a beautiful thing to be in a relationship like that, because it is an opportunity to bring about healing. Whatever people say, ethnicity and skin color does matter. And a white woman dating a black man, and most especially an educated successful black man, is HIGHLY looked down by the community, especially by some women, they feel like it isn't right, and I understand that. But one can't consider these IDEAS of why you might be dating someone. You just have to be true to yourself. Do you respect and love this person for who they are? Without objectifying them? Can you speak about ethical issues openly together in a non-defensive and non-aggressive way? It can be an opportunity to really heal wounds that are caused by racism and discrimination.

 

Your parents probably have a lot of wounds from what they've been through, seeing lynchings. God. I can't imagine what they feel. So I think that it takes some understanding of their perspective to understand and to really get to the root of the matter. Starting the conversation about their hurts and being empathetic to their concerns, being open might help them feel less threatened. I don't know. It could take a while. Do you have other black friends that you can talk to that have dealt with this issue with their parents?

[Hubbys_glitter_is_gold]

You should keep doing what you doing. You should follow your heart no matter what other people say. I live in South Carolina. Im black/indian and my boyfriend is german/irish , dirty blonde hair crystal blue eyes. my pops was totally against interracial dating he toldme that he didnt raise no zebras in his house. I persued it anyway because it wasnt about what he wanted it was about what made me happy. I kept talking to him and about 4 years later he met my mom and she absolutely loved him and he has rubbed off on my dad and he is like Im sorry for what i said to you it shouldnt have matter if he was white it shouldve mattered that he is making you happy and thats what counts.. You should just tell your parents youre doing whats right for you and yours and they should be happy for you because youre happy and he makes you happy. "RACE is the science of mind over matter..if you dont mind it dont matter." I dont see race i see personality. my parents loves my b/f so much that they broke their own rules and let me travel to Florida and stay with him for a week. unfortunately i have to go back because i have a 2 year old to tend to...

[buddy manchester]

he's not white, he's pink!