Advice needed on an ex situation

[Sophia99]

Hello everyone

 

I've visited this site on and off for the last year and half but never registered - probably out of shyness. The posts I read were always helpful and made me realise that I really wasn't alone in what was happening to me. So now I've bitten the bullet and I hope that some of you out there can help me out. I would especially welcome the views of the male members as I'm baffled by the workings of the male mind! I'm sure many of the ladies out there will agree! And please give me your views too.

 

My ex is the love of my life. A bold, dramatic statement but I've been around long enough to know. We met nearly two years ago and got together immediately - he constantly talked about "connection" but back then I wasn't so sure! It took me a few weeks to feel the same way - but when I fell, boy did I fall hard!

 

A few weeks into dating, he hit upon a terrible time in his life. The idiot that I am, I didn't walk away, although others would have. I stuck by him and got him through it. Slowly things got better for him and then - bang! - I got dumped, despite him saying I was his best friend and that he loved me. It came from nowhere. Four weeks later he was texting me telling me he missed and needed me. I ignored it at first - too hurt - but we got back together again. Then off he went. And he came back. And went. I have never made the initial contact to get back with him (NC rules, anyone?) - it has always been him sometimes after a few weeks, sometimes after a few months. The last time I heard from him was about eight weeks ago. He left a message for me, but when I replied I heard nothing and haven't since.

 

Then last night happened. I was dressed up to the nines and on the way into town to meet up with a bunch of girlfriends for a night out. And I saw him. With another girl. I assume it was a girlfriend - she was certainly very touchy feely with him (while he wasn't with her). He saw me too. And he stared. Several times. And he smiled at me - in an "I'm sorry" kind of way. I was heartbroken but held my head up and kept walking. I couldn't bring myself to acknowledge that smile. And I was shocked by the girl he was with. Before we met he told me he usually went out with girls who were pretty but didn't do a lot for him. He never lasted more than a couple of months with any of them. This girl looked the same as the others. So he's learned nothing it seems! But what if I'm wrong? What if she's "the one"? And why did he try to contact me again just a short while ago?

 

And why have I been in constant tears since I saw him?

 

There has been no one in my life since we split up. I'm sure there could have been. I'm intelligent, good company and I'm told that I'm beautiful. I have just landed a fantastic job beating far more qualified competition. I've even been known to turn heads in the street! (Oh dear, that sounds arrogant) He always said (to me and to mutual friends) that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. So why isn't he with me? What did I do wrong?

 

I'm stuck. I can't move on. I can't be with anyone else. Time is not proving to be a healer.

 

What can I do?

[DN]

This is just a possibility and I could well be wrong in your particular case.

 

Sometimes when bad things happen to people, they depend on someone close for help. When they are through whatever it was that happened they want to forget about it as quickly as possible - and the person who helped them the most is a constant reminder of the bad time. That person witnessed their hurt, or humiliation, or whatever negative emotions were brought up and they can easily become embarrassed, or even resentful. This is especially true when they were the author of their own misfortune.

 

So, in order to regain their self-respect, or be free of the embarrassing or hurtful reminder, they have to get out of the relationship, no matter how much it hurts the other person, or even themselves.

[Sophia99]

Thanks DN - that thought had crossed my mind. His initial problem was quite simple - he lost his job, and yes, he was embarrassed and cut himself off from a lot of his friends as a result (many of them are very "success" driven). When we split up, a whole load of other stuff came out - things in his past he is deeply ashamed of. Maybe I know too much? He'd only told those things to family members and a counsellor before.

 

But I still cannot see why he gets in touch sporadically - and I wonder if he will again now that he appears to have another girlfriend (although I know there has been at least one other girlfriend over the last year which only lasted a week).

 

Any other comments?

[DN]

Well it is possible, sometimes people will never go back to a counsellor they have spilled their guts to once they no longer need the therapy, because of those reasons.

 

If that is the case, then he probably feels some guilt and regret about leaving you and that could explain why he contacts you.

 

But you have to stop thinking about him and concentrate on you: your absolute best plan is to go no contact and get over him as soon as possible. While you are thinking about him, and the reasons he left, you are not able to do that.

[Sophia99]

I've tried and tried and tried not to think about him and I fail and fail and fail. I've practised NC the whole time - it's him that gets in touch. I'm half expecting another message after yesterday - what do I do if that happens?

[DN]

See what the message says.

 

In my opinion there is only one way to deal with contact from an ex. You ignore it with two exceptions:

 

If there is some unfinished business, such as possessions to be returned, financial matters to be taken care of etc. Once that is done with then resume no contact.

 

Or, if the ex wants to get back together. In that case, you make it clear that this is not some casual thing, but a proper attempt at a full reconciliation with intent on both sides to make it work and solve the issues that caused the break up.

[Sophia99]

I do have some of his stuff, but he's never asked for it back.

 

"Or, if the ex wants to get back together. In that case, you make it clear that this is not some casual thing, but a proper attempt at a full reconciliation with intent on both sides to make it work and solve the issues that caused the break up."

 

I did that when he said he wanted me back. He agreed and then backed off again - he's done it three times now.

[DN]

In that case, I think you have to assume that the relationship is over and done with and move on. I would send his stuff back and get over him as soon as you can so you can find someone else.

[Süsser Tod]

But I still cannot see why he gets in touch sporadically - and I wonder if he will again now that he appears to have another girlfriend (although I know there has been at least one other girlfriend over the last year which only lasted a week).

 

Any other comments?

 

There is a third posibility, you being his safety blanket. One he breaks up with one of those girls, he comes back to you until he finds the next one. He knows you still love him and miss him, so he can be using that to have someone to fallback.

[Sophia99]

How do I stop that happening and still get him back though? I keep hoping that the penny will drop with him and he'll be back for good.

[DN]

How do I stop that happening and still get him back though? I keep hoping that the penny will drop with him and he'll be back for good.

 

That is your major problem, so long as you keep hoping you will never be able to move on. You can't control him, you can't make him come back to you.

 

How long will you continue to hope until the penny drops with you that he isn't coming back? Better to let that penny drop now and get on with regaining happiness in your life without him.

[Sophia99]

I do see your point there DN! But he's never out of touch for that long and the looks he gave me last night were a lot more than a quick glance.

 

When you love someone you never give up hope - even if your sensible side says "move on." That's a sad fact of life and unfortunately life - and love - are not as rational as they should be.

 

Which is why this board exists, no doubt!

[Sadness_Creeping]

Sophia, yer ex sounds ALOT like my ex-gf...and no offence, everyone tells me shes a crazy psycho.

She did the same this to me as hes done to you 3 or 4 times....oh I love you blah blah...fix my problems..ok Im fine now and am all fixed and confident again..let me see if someone else wants me..oh wait, they hurt me...then she contacts me back... lol. and thats how the loop has gone, but Ive broken it, last time she tried to talk to me, I told her to leave me alone.

People like that suck, and are best left on there own. Pesonaly I'd rather be alone forever than ever have to deal with someone like that again.

You sound like a nice girl...and deserve much much better than that.

 

Anyways, Take care of yourself.

-SC

[Süsser Tod]

How do I stop that happening and still get him back though? I keep hoping that the penny will drop with him and he'll be back for good.

 

That is your problem. As you hope to get him back, everytime you have a chance you try to get him back by any means, and he knows it and uses you.

 

The only way to break that cycle is to not accept him the next time. It hurts, I know, but it is the only way honey.

[Sophia99]

Sophia, yer ex sounds ALOT like my ex-gf...and no offence, everyone tells me shes a crazy psycho.

 

 

Thank you for making me laugh out loud with that one! I must admit that my friends have had a few choice words to say about his behaviour!

 

However, I have to defend him here - a little at least. He is actually a really lovely man. He just acts like a prick, but then don't we all at times? I think his basic problem is immaturity - a bit sad for a 28 year old, but that's the way it is. Of course, it could be he'll never grow up, but ultimately he'll make himself unhappy by being like that.

 

Whatever happens between us, I truly do wish him well and hope he is happy. Obviously I wish his happiness could be with me. One day it might be. I think I need to be firmer with him if he does contact me again. The big "if" of course, because he may well stay with this new girl.

 

Sod's law being what it is he'll be back in time to see me blissfully happy with someone else. Around the year 2012, no doubt.

[Sophia99]

Well, it's been a couple of weeks since I've asked for advice - and what a rollercoaster since then!

 

I read the posts people were kind enough to leave and made the decision to try to move on. Anyone who's been in this position will know how hard that is. I went on a date with a really nice guy - he's lovely and I've been seeing him on a "friends only" basis now and again. Sounds like the perfect ending? Here comes the spanner in the works...

 

About a week ago, the ex emailed me. It was a long one so I won't cut and paste it here, but the gist is that yes, he did see me (I'd already guessed that) and that, yes, the girl I saw him with was a new girlfriend. This is where it gets interesting! He said that seeing me again really cut him up. He wasn't expecting it (dur! neither was I!) and it shocked him because all the old feelings came flooding back. He said how sorry he was and how he'd do anything to turn the clock back. He has dumped the new girlfriend - and she ain't a happy bunny - and told her the lot. Apparently she went a bit nuts... he'd told her all about me when they first got together and he got the impression that she always thought that he'd try and get me back one day. I won't go into detail about exactly how she behaved, but it wasn't pretty.

 

Well, we've been mailing every day since then and IMing too. So far I have refused to meet up with him, but unusually for him, he hasn't seemed to change his mind this time. He's hanging on in there. I've told him about the new guy and he's green with envy. I have been honest with newbie guy - he knows what's going on. Thankfully he's a decent sort and hasn't flown off the handle. We're just at the friends stage anyway so I'm not deceiving him and I think he finds the situation quite amusing.

 

So, it looks like the high-heeled boot is on the other foot. I'll keep talking to him via mail and IM but I'm not keen to meet him too soon (well, I am, but I'm trying to be strong here!). I want to see if he really means it this time around. And if it all falls flat, I've got a lovely friend waiting in the wings.

 

I'd love any comments - has anyone been in this situation? If so, how did it pan out?