The lack of love in my life is tearing up my soul

[lonelynshy]

I have to agree with Kyoshiro; the lack of dating experience, the knowledge that no girl out there likes me, is the major fuel to my depression. If I were to get a girlfriend now (it's already kinda too late since I'm in my 20's), it would provide a boost to my self confidence. The confidence won't come from that girl, it will come from the relationship and from the fact that I could get a girl.

Even if that girl were to break up with me, I would not return to square one, ever. I would be single and lonely again, but I **would not** be the "guy-who-has-never-had-a-girlfriend-and-is-too-discouraged-to-ever-try".

 

I bet there are LOTS of single guys out there but very few of them have ALWAYS been single. That's what Kyo is trying to say. Their problem is that they haven't met the right girl. Our problem is that we aren't right in ANY girl's eyes.

 

It's like job experience, you know? It's one thing to be temporarily unemployed because some grouchy boss fired you. But it's quite another thing to say "I've never had a job in my life".

[lonelynshy]

Just to provide some insight into what we lonely young men are thinking

 

Fast forward to age 30.

 

Me: Hi Laura! Wanna go for coffee?

Laura: Sure! Why are you shaking like that? Hi Bill!

Me: It's nothing.

L: Okaaay. Why are you so nervous around girls? Oh, hi there Paul!

Me: I am?

L: Sure. You must have had a few girlfriends by now, so why are you nervous? Hi Jack!

Me: Girlfriends? Huh? What's that?

L: Let's kiss

Me: How do we do that?

L: C'mon, are you for real?? Like this!

Me: *kiss* mmmm I can't believe it...

L: What are you "mmmming" about? Have you never done this? I've had jerks who kissed much better than that!

Me: But this is my first time...please bear with me

L: WHAT??? Sorry buddy but I'm not going to waste my time on a loser.

[GremlinX]

^^^^^^^^^

 

See, that's the mindset you've got to get out of. In all honesty if someone were that shallow who needs 'em!

 

I used to think like that. I'd go around all the time "Women don't like me!" but I realize that I just used that as an excuse like it made me feel better that I was alone. It also didn't help that I thought I was unworthy of anyone's love. I didn't like myself.

 

But I woke up. It's taken me years to accept who I am, what people did to me, and to forgive them and myself. Until I did that forget it! Who wants to be around a stick in the mud!

 

I'm 34 and haven't dated ect. You think that's gonna stop me? No way! It may be odd having to admit to someone you've missed out but if they're any kind of human being, if you've taken the time to get to know each other, I don't see how they wouldn't understand.

 

I may be full of it but I'd rather believe what can be than what may never!

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

Before I address your points, I'd like to say that the reason I recommended the book was because it listed a bunch of personal traits, qualities that attract women to men. The excerpt I linked to unfortunately doesn't list those traits. I wouldn't say this book is necessarily worth buying, but if it's at your local library, I think it's worth skimming through.

I'll check it out, thanks for the link. I agree with the personality traits and qualities, but it still does not help:

 

Confidence for one is so overrated. I am only going by my experience from what I've seen since junior high school in 1985, so we're talking 20 years. I'm not speaking for everyone, just me and what I've seen it in school, the workplace, simply hanging out, ect.

 

For the good looking guys, confidence is something that keeps them in the game, a game they are already in. For us not so good looking guys, it's an excuse to give us hope that maybe we can get in the game. It's telling us that since we can't physically attract a female, let's trick her with this confidence thing and hopefully she'll look past our exterior and see us for what we really are: great guys who happen to have a handsome defect. But unfortunately, at least from what I'v seen, it doesn't work.

 

Good looking guys are in the starting lineup. Us not so good looking guys are on the bench waiting for the good lookers to get injured. Getting into the game is very hard for us. Maybe I have incredible bad luck, but 20 years of bad luck seems unlikely. Maybe I'm too shy to get into the game, I know that. But I've seen shy good looking guys, like a best friend of mine from junior high school, have girls find ways to get close to him so that they can get to know that "cute shy guy." I notice it because I thought to myself, "why doesn't she want to get to know me?" Same personality/shyness, different looks, different results. Yes, my sense of humor makes friends in the long run, but get girlfriends: nope.

 

Now, as for that site:

 

1. Talking. Or, to use her favorite word for it, communication. In essense, women talk and men don't. Or if you do, you interrupt her with some solution to the problem that she has placed before you. As we'll say again in chapter 14, don't do that. Let go of the burden of fixing it, because that's not why she's telling you all of this stuff anyway. She's telling you as a way to think out loud and to feel closer to you. Women talk to create intimacy. When you simply listen, she feels that you're taking her seriously.

 

2. Feelings. Women show emotions; men hide emotions. At least, that's the way they see it. Her emotions are more complicated. And she's more sensitive to the feelings of others. Whereas you're not as sensitive, especially when it comes to her feelings. You blurt and you hurt. You tease her about her feelings; you even tease her about expressing her feelings to her girlfriends.

 

3. Romance and intimacy and relationships. She wants to be wooed. She wants to be that special someone. She wants attention. She wants time together. She wants affection, both physical and verbal. She needs the emotional security that comes of your constant reassurances. She needs to feel close to you—and you seem to have a spiteful determination not to fulfill her need.

 

I do believe that this is what women want, but here's the problem: these are for guys who already have their lady and want to keep them. Our problem is getting the girl to like-like us, not just like us. Does the book have advice for us in that department?

 

Yes there are some "hot women with less than attractive men" but until I see it with my very eyes I don't believe it. Perhaps it is because all of my friends are good looking. Some are shy/aloof, but they're doing fine because they've got the look.

 

Our world is a very dark world. It's so cold. Even when it's sunny outside, it's dark. You have no idea how much a woman can eclipse our darkness. This whole "doing for self" stuff can work for some, but there are some guys like myself and others who can do anything and everything in the world for self and still feel empty if no one is there with us.

[lonelynshy]

Hey Kyo,

 

How do you define good looks? Is it facial features, or build, or body language, or height?

Gremlin, thanks for your post. You are right; I do use that excuse (women don't like me) but it's hard to shake off that mindset when all evidence points that way...

[Caldus]

Kyoshiro, then start going to the gym if you feel that ugly about yourself. Improve your looks. Do something.

[ShySoul]

Small, you go girl! Tell them shy guys what they need to hear.

 

I agree with Caldus, do something about your situation Kyo. Sitting on a computer complaining about how you are ugly or that girls never notice you won't change anything. Dwelling on the bad only makes things worse. I may have blown the one chance I've had at something because I was too busy focusing on the past, on how things hadn't gone my way before, how things would just go badly. In the end they went badly cause that was what I believed to be true. Now I'm determined to set things right and not focus on the bad. I'm doing what needs to be done to improve myself. While I'm not big on hitting the gym and focusing on appearance, if thats what you need to do, then do it.

 

For the good looking guys, confidence is something that keeps them in the game, a game they are already in. For us not so good looking guys, it's an excuse to give us hope that maybe we can get in the game. It's telling us that since we can't physically attract a female, let's trick her with this confidence thing and hopefully she'll look past our exterior and see us for what we really are: great guys who happen to have a handsome defect. But unfortunately, at least from what I'v seen, it doesn't work.

 

Yeah, how do you define good looking? Everyone's tastes is different. And since I doubt you are horrible disfigured with a hump on your back, you are good looking too. I've said it before, the person who doesn't think you are good looking, is you. Girls probably think you are very cute. But because you don't believe, you fail to notice this or if you notice you brush it off not believing it.

 

Your going off your experience. My experience is the opposite. I don't think I'm the paragon of attractiveness. Only 5'7'', skinny, not athletic at all, glasses, had acne issues. Throw in that I like your typical geeky stuff, and your not seeing a stud here. Yet, that hasn't mattered lately. Six girls have shown some interest in me. And they like me not for how I look, but who I am. It isn't a game to fool them and get them to see past the exterior, confidence is all about you, no one else but you. It is about believing in yourself and loving yourself. Before someone else can love you, you have to love yourself.

 

And hey, I've been told I look good to from these girl. Who am I to argue?

 

Good looking guys are in the starting lineup. Us not so good looking guys are on the bench waiting for the good lookers to get injured.

 

I used this analogy before, think of yourself as Tom Brady. He wasn't in the starting line up. He was a 6th round draft pick, backup that no one knew about or cared about. Now hes a 3 time super bowl winner, 2 time mvp, and probably the best quaterback today. Once us shy people get off the bench, are game is so good that we'll be going straight to the championship. I mean, think about it. We'll be fresh and roaring to go. While other guys are in a routine from the same old scene, while be enthusastic and taking her by storm.

 

Our world is a very dark world. It's so cold

 

Then focus on the light, the ray of hope. This has been my analogy for years, I even wrote a poem on it. Don't think about the darkness, think about the light in the darkness. There is always that light, look for it and do what needs to be done to get there.

[smallworld]

Small, you go girl!

Thanks Shy, I think I'm gonna puke.

 

It's telling us that since we can't physically attract a female, let's trick her with this confidence thing and hopefully she'll look past our exterior and see us for what we really are: great guys who happen to have a handsome defect. But unfortunately, at least from what I'v seen, it doesn't work.

It's not a trick Kyo if your confidence is sincere. For example, don't you have confidence in your sense of humor? Would it really be a trick if a woman found that attractive about you?

 

Good looking guys are in the starting lineup. Us not so good looking guys are on the bench waiting for the good lookers to get injured. Getting into the game is very hard for us. Maybe I have incredible bad luck, but 20 years of bad luck seems unlikely.

 

Ok statistics then. How often did you really try? How often did you approach a girl, try to get to know her, and flirt in those 20 years? I have a 37 year old friend who has yet to date. As far as I know in the all these years, he's tried once on his own and hasn't come up to bat since. When a girl did hit on him (because she loved his witty interoffice emails) he fled. Why? Because deep down he believes something is wrong with him, that no girl would really want him for (you-fill-in-the-reason.) I'm sure as you're reading this, you can see yourself in him and you can also see how his need to protect himself from rejection at all costs, is now guaranteeing that he will be alone. Our friends have given up on convincing him of the fallacies in his thinking. We figure he has to hit rock bottom and realize that giving up isn't getting him anywhere before he'll listen to any of us. Please don't choose his path.

 

As for your friends, life's unfair it's true. I'm no beauty queen and have had my share of fun years watching my best friend snag every guy I ever told her I had a crush on. But you can't let that stop you. It's a self-defeating excuse that gets you nowhere. Far better to focus on what you have to offer a woman and then market the heck out of it.

 

I do believe that this is what women want, but here's the problem: these are for guys who already have their lady and want to keep them. Our problem is getting the girl to like-like us, not just like us. Does the book have advice for us in that department?

lol.. I give you guys the keys to the kingdom and you dare say "But that's for guys who already have ladies?" Please Kyo! If you're going to go to war, know your enemy (in this case women.) If women enjoy talking, sharing feelings, and romance, those are the very things you need to employ to win (woo) the enemy over.

 

Yes there are some "hot women with less than attractive men" but until I see it with my very eyes I don't believe it. Perhaps it is because all of my friends are good looking. Some are shy/aloof, but they're doing fine because they've got the look.

Look every day you can go out in NYC and see all kinds of strange couples together. But seeing as these couples have absolutely no impact on your life, why consider them? Your job is to find the one woman who loves you for you.

 

Ok different tactic. If you're so convinced that it's all about looks, why not change yours? Why not go under the knife? If that's all it is and life is that dark for you then why not make the investment?

 

I'm no advocate of plastic surgery, but imho if you're this miserable, you should try something, anything to get out of this rut. You may have lots of obstacles to overcome... I can't say... but all I know is if you don't play the game, you never win. And that's a shame, because you're obviously a diamond in the rough.

[smallworld]

More excerpts from my interchange with Anonymous...

 

In answer to your question, I don't have any friends, male or female. I have a few guy buddies who I might play pool with but that's the limit of our "friendship". Real friends are so hard to find especially b/c I don't have the same interests.

I'm sorry to hear that. Due to shyness and my husband's frequent job transfers, I'm currently at a low ebb as far as friends are concerned right now too. Real friends are hard to come by. They're worth making because they mirror back to us what's good and worth loving in each of us. Perhaps instead of worrying about finding love, you should just focus on trying to make as many friends as possible for now - with both sexes. I know it's difficult, but reach out to everyone who crosses your path regularly. You never know who will become someone significant in your life and who can introduce you to your significant other. Caldus and ShySoul both have a lot of great advice on how to do this.

 

I don't play sports, don't go to bars/dances (hell I've never danced in my life) and basically come accross as a boring stick-in-the-mud. I don't think that's true because I don't find myself boring; I do think I have a good sense of humor, I like to read and watch good movies (not crappy movies), and I enjoy the little things in life. But that's MY perception of myself whereas others just see me as uninteresting.

My family isn't into sports. I've never been to a bar/club. And I tend to be more of a writer, reader, and avid movie renter. I don't think any of those things make it harder for me to make friends. Actually they draw people to me who want to know what I like and think. There's no reason why it couldn't be the same for you, but I have to be honest. You're coming accross to me as quite angry and hostile when you phrases like "crappy" movies (as if your movie preferences are killing your chances to socialize). That's a much bigger turnoff than being "boring." If you're behaving this way with people in the real world, I think the hostility is what's turning people off, not your hobbies.

 

If you like movies that make you think why not hang out with like minds online (link removed) or at film lectures?

 

See, I'm afraid of becoming like one of your 35 year old lonely guy friends. I do my best to get out...but no matter how long I stay outside, I never fit in with anyone, never meet someone who'll give me a second glance, or have even one activity in common with me.

I understand that. It's a very real, genuine fear, but like everything else it's a problem that's best tackled consistently and constantly. Fitting in takes time. Figure out what it is you love, seek out places where others appreciate the same things, and then invest the time to make friends in those places. When we're doing something we love, we become our best selves -- happy, confident, and excited about life -- and much more attractive to others.

 

I've tried the internet dating thing but I don't like lying, and since I had to put my height (5'7) in my profile, nobody wants to talk to me. So there's another thing- I'm too short.

My husband is 5'6. My father is 5'0. My brother is 5'7. None of them ever used height as an excuse to not find a woman. And since I'm 5'0, the entire world is taller than me, so I never even had a height requirement in mind. I will say we're an Asian family so perhaps that makes a difference. I'm sure there are women who prefer 5'10+, but honestly if I were you and found a woman who likely met your specs from an online ad, I'd contact her anyway even if she specified she wanted someone taller. Height like other things is negotiable if the chemistry is there.

 

Ok what I'm about to say is a little controversial, but something for you to consider. I have in-laws in Hawaii. While visiting them, I noticed a lot of their 20 something friends were married to beautiful Christian Filipino girls. The Philipiines is a poor country, but the people there are very loving and raised with good values. They speak English, are familiar with our culture, and the women there seek to marry men in this country to make a better life for themselves and their families. Because of their strong Christian background, the marriages tend to be loving, work out well, and mutually benefit both spouses. You probably think I'm crazy, but if I were an extremely shy guy, I'd give a thought.

 

You say women mature in their late 20's, after going through a lot of relationships presumably. Why would they even want to date me then, a first-timer? Everything would be new to me-I'd be like a child experiencing his first fancy toy. I don't think the woman would share in my exuberance unless she was a first-timer too (not likely). That's why I think it's imperative for me to get some experience before I permanently lock myself out of the dating game. I think a lot of guys in my position feel the same way even if they don't admit it.

Every boyfriend I've ever had - I've been the other's "first" girlfriend. I never cared about his lack of experience, because I was drawn to who he was as a person, not his "experience" with other women. And when it was time for intimacy, it was made all the more special because we were discovering things together. I understand your fears, but to me it's pointless and self-defeating to worry about this. Finding the right woman is much like finding the right job. You focus on what you have to offer a woman, not what you're not.

 

I also happen to live in a small hick town. I'm going to be frank here, the women here are old-fashioned & don't like associating or dating with non-white guys, including me. I only have two years left in college, after which my chances of finding a girl are virtually zero . Your upper 30's lonely male colleagues would verify that fact, huh?

My brother was in a similar situation in college. He went to a small private college in Kentucky, was a member of a fraternity, but never had a date until his mid-20s. There was nothing wrong with him, but where he lived neither whites or blacks were interested in dating an Asian guy. His luck didn't change until he met a girl online and eventually moved to NYC to get to know her better.

 

If you can't move now, I suggest you start planning to move to a metropolis where interracial dating is the norm, not a taboo. In Hawaii, everyone's mixed. Out here in California and in all major cities, people date whoever they want. Don't make the mistake of accepting your geography for destiny.

 

Take care,

smallworld

[ShySoul]

If Mr. Anonymous is reading this I know where you are coming from and hope that you'll listen to what I'm going to say. And anyone else who reads this, hope it helps.

 

In answer to your question, I don't have any friends, male or female.

 

Me neither. I think real friends are rare and hard to come by. I have plenty of acquantances, but few real friends. I figure its better to have a few close friends then dozens of so called friends. The thing is to know people, even casually. You never know what that connection can do for you in the future.

 

I don't play sports, don't go to bars/dances (hell I've never danced in my life) and basically come accross as a boring stick-in-the-mud. I don't think that's true because I don't find myself boring; I do think I have a good sense of humor, I like to read and watch good movies (not crappy movies), and I enjoy the little things in life. But that's MY perception of myself whereas others just see me as uninteresting.

 

I'll watch sports but can't play to save my life. I've gone to bars twice and a club once just so I can say I tried it. Hated it. I don't drink and my taste in music isn't shared by most people my age, at least not in this area. I've danced a total of twice, all the way back in 7th grade. I have an odd, yet good sense of humor and I am interesting, at least I think so. Reading is good too and the little things are what matters most. Problem is, most people aren't interested in the same things I am.

 

That doesn't have to be a problem. Instead, seek out those who share your interests. Like small said, if you like "good movies" then attend a film festival or take a film class. If you like art, head to a museum. Talk to people who can understand your passion. The only thing holding you back is your negativity. You may say you see yourself as interesting, but you don't really believe that. If you did then you wouldn't be saying others see you as boring. You would focus on those that see you as an interesting person. And there are those people out there.

 

When we're doing something we love, we become our best selves -- happy, confident, and excited about life -- and much more attractive to others.

 

True, true, and true.

 

I've tried the internet dating thing but I don't like lying, and since I had to put my height (5'7) in my profile, nobody wants to talk to me. So there's another thing- I'm too short.

 

I'm 5'7 as well. I'm skinny too. Even got glasses. That hasn't really mattered to girls. I'm no heartthrob and I'll never have girls lining up to go out with me. But I can attract a few girls by simply being me, and those girls are the good kind. You can do the same. What counts is that you connect with the person. Be yourself, be nice, and believe in yourself. They will fall for the person and a height requirement will be dropped in no time. And if they don't, do you really want someone so superficial that they would eliminate you based on something as arbitrary as that?

 

You say women mature in their late 20's, after going through a lot of relationships presumably. Why would they even want to date me then, a first-timer? Everything would be new to me-I'd be like a child experiencing his first fancy toy. I don't think the woman would share in my exuberance unless she was a first-timer too (not likely). That's why I think it's imperative for me to get some experience before I permanently lock myself out of the dating game. I think a lot of guys in my position feel the same way even if they don't admit it.

 

Because there are plenty of people who find innocence attractive. People can have a hard time when they have been dating or in relationships for awhile. It becomes routine, the fire and magic can fade. They can forget what its like to have everything be so new and fresh. Or maybe they long to relive that feeling. With you, they can see and experience that feeling once my. You may lack in experience, but your enthusiasm will make up for it. Whereas some other guy may see a kiss as nothing special, to you it would mean the world. You'd be more likely to treat her special, touched that she would care enough about you to go that far. You would approach each step with a sense of awe and wonder, a mixture or joy and nerves that many would find appealing. I mean, only the most bitter and hardened people don't smile at a child opening a present and seeing his face light up.

 

And I have been told this by more then one girl lately, since I have no experience either. Amazingly, they haven't had a problem with it.

[DiscipleOfChange]

Hey man, don't let it get you down, I'm 19 and I too have never been on a date, kissed a girl, had a REAL slow dance with a girl or even known a girl who actually felt something like love for me. I'm 5' 4" havent grown much in 2 years so I dont even know if I will get taller. And I think all the time about my first...whatever...I think my problem may be I think of it as a one and only kind of thing. I'm just glad that from reading this post, there are lots of guys in our situation. It is good that we're supporting each other

[whatdoyado]

I ride motorcycles, I LOVE riding, in fact, I don't use my car anymore. How many females I've known in my 2 years of riding, because of it, 0.

I love riding motorcycles and I can't wait to get my own. I've been riding on the back of my dad's motorcycle since I was 4 and I still ride.

 

To all guys reading...Many girls go through the times of not being with someone and some have never been with anyone. I've never done anything (kissing, holding hands, slow dancing, etc.) and I've never been in a "real" realationship with a guy. I do have guy friends whom I have gotten close to though.

Personally I would like a guy that hasn't done much either because we can do it together, makes the realationship specialer (if that is a word).

 

And about the heighth, it really doesn't matter well one because I'm 5'2'' anyways and it's not like I'll be growing anymore (that's why I where heals) so its not like a guy will be shorter than me, and secondly I was wondering do guys not like too short of girl due to him having to bend down to kiss her b/c I was told that and I think it is ridiculous?!?

 

Most importantly....I hate to say this because there are the days I doubt it, but its is true reality.....one day we're all going to find the one to be with, and though things may not be all rosey and easy because it does take work, but in the end when the time comes many will find a special someone. Unfortunitely, not everyone was cut out to be in a realationship time (ex: nuns) I'm not saying you'll become one, but well I'm not God so I don't know all the answers, but I'm positive that God has planned for many of us to have an amazing realationship with another. I'm just waiting for him to knock on my door.

[webvigator2k]

I feel the same way, I'm in a similar situation. 22, never had a serious girlfriend, I have gone out on a few dates but they never amounted to anything (or a kiss either). I'm trying this internet dating again and it's not bringing me much like, in fact, it's making me feel worse. I don't understand why women don't find me attractive...I'm really not bad looking, plus I have my act really together for a guy my age. worst part is that I don't know where to find the type of woman I'm looking for. She's sure as hell not going to be in a bar/club.

[ShySoul]

knigt007,

 

Your chance at love is never gone. You are not ugly, no one is ugly. Everyone is beautiful, they just have to see it for themselves. If you are so convinced that you are ugly and that you'll never have anyone, then your going to find ways to make that true. Is that what you want to make of your life? Or do you want to follow the same advice you give others? Go and make your opportunities, it's not too late.

[t-rav]

have you found a way to express yourself? many of the greatest poems and painting were concocted out of distress, morning, and frustration. i would really like to offer you a helping hand. have you ever read a bible? its incredible the support you get from hearing about how much our creator cares for us. we are all fearfully and wonderfully made. as the bible says, the lord cares so much for you, that he knows how many hairs are on your head; for christs sake (literally) God cares about you. my 8th grade bible teacher (26 years old) is one of the most inspiring men i know. he hasnever been on a date. he has never kissed a girl. he has never had intercourse with a girl. and yet he is the happiest guy ive ever met. he doesnt own a tv, he doesnt own a computer, he lives in an apartment. he teaches english and test taking skills of the most boring jobs i could think of. his parents are missionaries in africa and are quite inspiring themselves. i bewail for you, but you must not give up. rely on God. the bible also says that man can do all things through christ who strengthens him. i will pray for you and your sittuation. and i hope you are helped by this. i believe that there is a woman for almost every man, but for those who do not rely on a partner, there is a higher calling.

 

 

good luck in life

 

travis

[I_love_rain_hugs_and_you]

"My name is Greg."

 

--in your first sentence, you begin by talking about yourself....forget about yourself, and what you have been "denied", and focus all your attention on others...practice forgetting about yourself and focusing all your attention on any girl that you are talking to...practice paying attention to others, not yourslef

 

"I have never been on a date, had a girlfriend, or even kissed a girl."

 

--Neither have I, and neither have most of my friends. What difference does it make??? You will get married one day, and you will sleep with a girl...don't worry...

 

"The meaning of my life is to make other people happy."

 

---or to make yourself happy?????.....

 

"I think I'm the only guy I know who at near the age of 21 dreams of their first kiss and what it would be like, how it would proceed, and other ravenous details only a sheltered heartbroken man would think of at the time."

 

---nope, there are lots of guys like you....you are writing to one right now

 

"I have been denied by either myself for being shy and not thinking of the right things to say at the right time, or being denied by the ones I have tried to be close to."

 

--think about all the things you do have....not what you have been denied. I have lived in Africa where there are children who have maggots eating thier brain...be thankful you are better off than them...

 

 

". If they knew I had a heart this huge and warm and infinite and would treat them like jewel encrusted gold, but also that I know not to act like that all the time, then all my problems would be solved and the girls would flock to me, but they are not, because they don't know me, because I'm too shy and scared of rejection. There is also always things that appear to "magically" come up to interfere with me finding someone. "

 

----if people don't know you, then you need to tell them more about yourself. But do people really misjudge you? Most of the time, most people are very good judges of another person's character...think about it.....how many times have you spent very little time with someone and you automatically know what that person is "like."....humans can judge character VERY well.....maybe people know you better than you think they do

 

"I have so much love in my heart and no one to give to,"

 

---there are lots of starving children......give your love by sponsoring a child through WOrld Vision or another similar charity....share your love with a homeless person....or a lonely person in a nursing home. Most residents in nursing homes rarely receive visitors....go give your love to them!!!!!!!! I am sure you will have success

 

"I've always wanted to give it to someone, and I don't know if I ever will."

 

---yes you will.......

 

"The love in my heart is eternal, however the warmth in it just keeps building and building with each passing day, if you haven't seen it yet, someday you will."

 

--eternal????

 

"I cant believe how many years and opportunities have gone by and I still have no girlfriend, it boggles my mind and pierces my soul like a thousand knives of fire. This pain is just too great for any mortal man to deal with. I often find myself asking, why me?"

 

--maybe there is a reason you don't have a girlfriend. A girlfriend can consume a lot of your time, so maybe you were destined to spend this time of your life helping people. I mean, for me, if I had a girlfriend, I wouldn't be able to commit to mentoring a little guy through Big Brothers, I wouldn't have the time to spend with him, I wouldn't be able to do a volunteer police patrol that reduces crime in our community, I wouldn't be a mentor for high school students coming to my university, I wouldn't be able to sponsor a child through world vision....(girlfriend would use up all the money.....just joking). But you get the point....having a relationship means that you will have to give up a lot of other important things. When you ask "why me" think, maybe I was destined to something great in my life right now. I don't know what that is..you have to figure that out. But it's probably something even greater than having a girlfriend...)

 

"I really can't take this anymore, the lack of a special someone in my life is starting to eat away at my soul and damage my physical health. I have been feeling weaker, less motivated, and increasingly depressed with each day that goes by without a love In my life."

 

---you need a new interest, other than girls.....

 

" Oh god it makes me cringe with angst to think of all the opportunities I have had and lost due to my own inability to make the most out of the situation at the time, only to learn from it afterwards and never get another opportunity like it ever again."

 

---don't worry...there will be sooooo many opportunitities in your life to get girls.....

 

"My name is Greg, and I know in my heart that I have one of the most warm, loving, caring, kind, compassionate, true, and infinitely huge hearts, ever."

 

---then go off and help people rather than telling us about not having a girlfriend....aren't there some homeless people, or nursing homes, or children to help?????

[sophisticated]

I have sort of the same symptoms as the original poster and other people in here do.

 

Only i have had a girlfriend once and I am 17. She was fat and kinda a whore, so I dumped her after a date. I have a few extra pounds...but I can do better than that, I mean c'mon.

 

Lately and most of my teen years i have been unhappy with the way i look and i always get jealous when I see these hunks out with their drop-dead gorgeous girls. It really brings me down and its hard for me to get off that crap. The whole summer I have not even talked to many of my friends.

 

My problem is -- How do I talk to girls? I mean what can i say to some girl that I dont even know but i find extremely attractive? How do I sweep girls off their feet like so many of you say here? Please give me some ideas or examples that you may have used. I really need them.

 

I really need a girlfriend. It is the one thing I do not have in my life. I have a beautiful sports car, 2002 Mustang GT convertible that i would LOVE to take girls around in. I put so many miles on it just driving bymyself all the time and I always look over and think "what if i had a girl sitting in the passenger seat". Its really depressing.

 

Oh and seeing other couples kissing brings me down a lot too. I almost wiped out into an oak once cause i blacked out from being so depressed on a lonely cold night with the top down.

 

Thanks.

[nabi_met81]

I always see this, all the girls I try alwatys reject me with doesn't even trying to talk to me,I think this problem is not solvable for some like myself and we must like kyoshiro mentiond eat lunch with myself .look what has happened to me...

there this girl who I've crushed in 1 month and thought (like in other conditions) that she is at least a bit more interested on me. she is a friend of my cousin. we used to go out some day with eachother and stuped me thought that they really wanna be with me more or spend theyr time with me. they dated with my cousins bf and cause in here famillies done't give freedom for girls she(my cousin uses me to go and see her boyfriend) and I told my causin about my interest on her friend. she has told her and her responce was whenever nabi dates me I'd reject him! look this time I was rejected with not even giving a word to her yeah I accept the looking is not the only problem but she said I have a childish behaviour, I am not sure maybe she is right, but what does she meean from my childesh behaviour. and yesterday night when agaiin we went out I really cause in there (my causin and her bf and she) noone was interested in me I really looked alone and wanted to cry but she came and talked in a way that why u r crying that It showed no interest and like that she didn't knew my ccrush with her.I said I am cryin for myself. always it will go like this. I accept that the problem is not only just the facial lookings.but there is other things in us like ugliness or such that worse than that can't be solved, I really loved this girl and myself wish the bests for her, I really see kyoshiros saying that Good looking guys are in the starting lineup. Us not so good looking guys are on the bench waiting for the good lookers to get injured. Getting into the game is very hard for us. Maybe I have incredible bad luck, but 20 years of bad luck seems unlikely. Maybe I'm too shy to get into the game, I know that. But I've seen shy good looking guys, like a best friend of mine from junior high school, have girls find ways to get close to him so that they can get to know that "cute shy guy." I notice it because I thought to myself, "why doesn't she want to get to know me?" Same personality/shyness, different looks, different results. Yes, my sense of humor makes friends in the long run, but get girlfriends: nope. sorry for thiese sayings but no girl will ever in this world love me I know this and I wrote these because I am teribelly sad now another reject .

[Shinobie]

Dont worry nabi_met there are many guys like us.We just get too sit at the side and spectate all these mistakes people do.We are all really shy too but ya.We just think in our heads none of these girls will want us because they try too find the hot guys or the jerks.I dont know about you but i watch whats going with these people theres many accounts of guys just using these girls or them getting into an abusive relationship.Or the ones where guys get women get pregnant then leave them.Iono if some of u guys feel this way.But i feel like i have so much good too give to a girl but im never gonna have a chance too use it.IM not kidding they seem too look down on guys like us because of our looks.Ill just look up and look at them once and they look at me like yah your ugly.So i just never look at them or look at the floor like usual.Dont know if any of u guys get this same from girls and i see you do nabi_met.

[nabi_met81]

i feel like i have so much good too give to a girl but im never gonna have a chance too use it

look for ur saying az I wrote in my last post I really do many to them but in other side I get nothing with them. they seem that all of my doing for them is not worth of every thing I can say it in some sentences like for getting them out:

I get them out i.e. dating my cousins bf and in a limited place where I live this is very good thing I do to them

but in respect u see I mean respect I get nothing and they just try themselve enjoy with that boy and remain me alone. I don't say I want something in respect but I wanted to say if u give them somthing share them they wouldn;t even respect cauase of prblms. or for other girl in uni I helped her with her project. out of uni we were in contact with ims and u see what I get in resspect!!! no ims with me since then. mybe whenever she has a project then for that subject I can help jer again but all of the loves I give a girl in return I get nothing. and they continue enjoying other boys and gving their love to them.

I want to finally say that the love I give girls are always one way and I doubt if u ask them if they know a guy named nabi they'll say no!!!

and for solving I think there is no other way than just saying myself to stay in my limitations for myself that I can't satisfy a girl and there will be no girl loving me in world.

 

also I was watching 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind movie' these days and in the beginning of the film I came to some good words like this one:

Why do I fall in love with every woman I

see who shows me the least bit of

attention?

I thought that girls all may hava an interest on me but I was wriong and finally I leave alone with a broken heart not of them but from myself and always repeat myself 'u c nabi there will be no girl loving u even if u do them the best'

always when I see a girl with a bit of attention on me I try to think positive but always it is the same one way love

[Frajhav]

Everyone just wait for there turn to speak,once done they disapear.

[Pheonixpassion84]

Hey Greg!

 

First off I must say you are an amazing writer. That was beautiful! You should write poetry!

 

The best advice I can give you is that falling in love is not the only thing out there. Use your love in others ways, such as towards something you love to do, or yourself

 

Also, don't get yourself dow about the first kiss thing. I recently got mine, and it was meaningless and didn't lead to anything. Getting a kiss is only an action, and I can tell you from experience that you will not be any different or much more of a happy person just because of a kiss.

 

Just find things you love to do, get out there! Write poetry, you'd be amazing at it! (only if you want to, lol) Just remember there is more out there than just falling in love.

[swtpea1221]

Hey Movieguy,

 

I completely commiserate with you - I am also 21 and have been desperately despondant about finding romantic love in my life. Since last year, however, I've realized that maybe I'm not as ready for "true love," "the one," or some type of significant other as I thought I was. Here's a few things I've learned and am still working on that have made me become more confident that being single right now is part of a plan.

 

1. The whole "You must love yourself before you let love in" is totally true. Love yourself - find your passions, your dreams, and work on cultivating them. Find your own look and be confident in it. Don't change for anyone but yourself. Confidence is sexy, and when you are confident with you, you will completely believe your significant other when she tells you that she loves you for you (because you will love yourself for you).

 

2. Make yourself, God, the Universe, Nature, Mohammad, Bob Marley.. etc your 1st priority. I'm Christian, so I've learned to make God my first priority, but regardless of your faith or religion, the bottom line is, don't make relationships your first priority! Relationships can always come and go, and if this is what you base your worth and happiness on, you will constantly be on an emotional roller coaster. I've learned that when you put your faith into a greater force and seek goodness, good things will come to you (in the right time.) Don't worry about when this girl will come. Perhaps it is when you let go of this worry and start focussing on something more important (yourself, God etc.., the well being of others..) you will find that there are a few other things you must do first before meeting her.

 

3.

"I have so much love in my heart, but no one to give it to."

 

Yes you do!! I have heard this before, thought it was true once myself, but it isn't!! Use your love to spread to other people! There is more joy to life than just giving away your romantic love. Your love is all -encompassing, and I guarantee, for a guy as warm-hearted as you, you will find much fulfillment in loving others who aren't your sig. other. Just look around and you will find so many people waiting to just be loved and accepted from a friend as caring as you.

 

4. Sometimes, you must help fulfill someone else's dream before your own dream comes true. I just read this the other month in a book, and since then, I've really learned how true it is! Focus on others, help them, inspire them, encourage them, and you will find that they may in turn, help your dream come true. You never know when or where you will meet someone - perhaps through helping others, you will stumble accross your sig. other.

 

5. NEVER SETTLE!! Keep your standards. Don't make the mistake that so many of us have made and lower your standards for someone that comes along and seems interested in you in passing. If it's right, I'm positive that she will meet your standards. I think that so many break ups and divorces happen because we just don't wait long enough. I still haven't found my intended, but I'm glad that I have decided to wait for him. I can see already that I have avoided so much heartache and turmoil by waiting.

 

6. It's still hard - It's still hard to wait. I still get depressed and lonely, but I've concluded this is just how humans are. I actually pray that God will take away my desire to be with someone so it will hurt less, but He doesn't, and so I'm guessing that maybe I am supposed to be with someone, and that in the meantime, I can use my hurt and lonliness to further develop my character. Just have hope and faith that you are being provided for.

 

7. I hope this has helped. Be strong in yourself and seek goodness. Use your big heart to love others and yourself, and along the way, you will find that your being single was part of a great plan, which will help you and those that you have loved.

[swtpea1221]

P.S. .. Sorry, I'm new to this whole posting thing and messed up the Quote part.

[volution]

Love really isn't worth the effort.... because it never comes...