advice please, im so confused as to what to do

[Jerseygirl]

please help me...my situation in a nutshell.....

 

we got involved right after he broke up with his gf, never had time to heal

 

he is honest, likes spending time with me but wants no relationship with any girl (he is a FRAT boy)

 

everytime i feel unappreciated i back away, he comes back apologizing ....tells me he wants to take me out to dinner, tells me he only wants to be with me,,,after many apologies i give in

 

his friends say he is less promiscuous than he usually is, perhaps because of me

 

when he thinks he lost me he gets so scared, and feels so bad and because he is a genuinely nice, honest person i give in...but a few days later find myself in the same situation where i know i deserve better (for example, he tells me he wants to take me out to dinner, but never has)

 

the last night of college he told me he would call me later so we can hang out....he passed out instead..next morning apologized and asked if he could call me later.. i acted indifferent

 

now, at home...he IMs me, i never intiate contact.. we have short/nice convos....

 

bottom line is that i AM emotionally attached to something so unstable...all i want to say to him is that i miss him and want to see him but of course i wont do that. Where do i go from here? I gave him so many chances when he screwed up ppl tell me to forget about him....i have one more year at school with him, i dont want myself getting into the same cycle of accepting his apology and then learning that he doesnt change...backing away and then acceptng apologizes again....what do i do this summer so ican be a stronger person dealing with him? im trying to not be so available so he'll miss me, i know thats so pathetic...what do you guys think i should do?

[annie24]

Hey - welcome back. I haven't heard from you in a while. You two have been doing this "back and forth" thing for a while now. I dunno - I think you just hit this point where it's too much - you just get sick of this game, the "I care about you, but I'm not ready to have a gf right now." After a while, you just get bored of having less than a bf who is committed to you, and you get tired of him saying he's going to come over, but instead passes out with his frat brothers. One day, you're just going to wake up, realize that you're disgusted by him, and you'll walk away and never look back. So, I dunno - you tell me, how much more of this can you take?

[reflectionlessmirror]

A perfect ultimatum.. commitment (or even just some respect) or NC!

[shorty20]

i know exactly where you're at, hun, and trust me, it will only lead to heartache. I was in the same situation as you, only it was a bit more complicated, because I got involved with my best friend's husband's best friend. If you followed that it just leads to more drama when things go bad because EVERYBODY is close to everybody, and everybody has an opinion. Anywayz, he had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship, and had shown interest in me. At first he was the sweetest guy, and then we went out on saturday night as usual and he COMPLETLEY ignored me. Didn't say two words to me, when he'd been all over me the night before... then he calls on sunday and apologizes, says that he just needs time, dosen't want to get involved and then hurt me,that he thought I expected things from him (for him to kiss me and treat me like a girlfriend) blah blah... so he said he wanted to be friends. He stopped by the next day for a "chat" and then text me as soon as he left saying how much fun he had with me and wanted me to come watch a movie. Well, after he'd given me this long speach about not wanting to kiss me until he was ready not only two hours before hand, he kissed me that night. I assumed, being the stupid person that I was, that he was really into me and sincere with evey kiss. Well I found out later that while he'd been messing around with me (it went quite alot farther then kissing that night) that he was also trying to get his ex back. Just using me in the mean time for companionship, etc... Sorry for such a long story, just reminding you that guys can and do act like that. Make him want you. Don't even think about him if you can help it. Go out with girls, go to the beach, go dancing, meet new people and have fun! If he realizes that you know you can live without him he'll come crawling back. If he dosen't he wasn't worth your time in the first place. Good luck!

[Jerseygirl]

so you guys think i should do full out NC?

 

ok, i understand how that will help me but:

 

1) i start feeling bad when he tries to contact me and i dont respond...perhaps im too nice of a person...the thing is, i do not want to tell him that i need to do this...i think that will make me sound pathetic since we werent even dating and also, dont get me wrong, i DO want him to try and contact me..i just think i'll feel stronger by not having to tell him that....but if he IMs me or texts me..i IGNORE HIM?

 

2) the fact that we didnt go through any 'break up' leaves me naturally scared that by doing no contact, although it will help me dettach my emotions, will in turn make him lose his feelings for me...? i guess i want to dettach my emotions and at the same time have his feelings grow for me too...am i living in a fantasy or will doing NC increase feelings for one who you are still "involved" with?

[annie24]

Well, I don't know what you are looking for. I'm sure that you've heard a million times over that you should forget about him. You said that in your post.

 

You can only use NC to heal yourself. You can't use it to manipulate his feelings towards you. You can only control your own feelings, not his. I see nothing wrong with telling him, "I can't do this anymore - this back and forth - either commit to me, or don't talk to me anymore." The ultimatum.

 

There's no magic spell or whatever that will make him commit to you. So, you can either take people's advice and forget about him, you can do the ultimatum (but chances are he will give you the same old "I can't commit" crap), or, you can keep on in this limbo, driving yourself crazy, and wasting your time.