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I’m in need of advice to help stop some of my confusion with my current relationship.

We met 5 months ago and fell in love really quickly, we were quite intimate at the start and I was happy. The last 2 months the intimacy has reduced a lot. He has sleep apnea and is tired all day every day and is saying this is why he is not in the mood.

I want to be a supportive partner and I want to help him as much as I can but the lack of intimacy is starting to hit my confidence and I’m questioning if he finds me attractive or if I’m good enough.

I guess it was my understanding if a man is really into you I don’t think there would be much to stop them from wanting to have sex, am I wrong? 

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When we first meet someone who we’re excited about we ride a wave of endorphins that keeps us high and energetic. It’s the body’s natural drug. But it can only last for so long before the body needs to regulate. Some people crash pretty hard, especially if they have health issues. Lack of good sleep is certainly a health issue.

Before deciding that this reflects a lack of interest in you, try seeing how well you can function on shortened sleep. Learn how energetic you’d feel after a full day of work. Then consider how you’d feel if this were chronic for you.

Has he done a sleep study and begun treatment?

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4 hours ago, Hubble1991 said:

it was my understanding if a man is really into you I don’t think there would be much to stop them from wanting to have sex, am I wrong? 

Yes, you are wrong. 

Just like us women, men can feel drained and not in the mood for sex even if they are sexually attracted to their partner. 

Sleep apnea in particular can take a huge toll on someone's energy level and ability to get through a normal day, let alone have sex. If he is exhausted from having consistently poor sleep, it is unlikely his body will cooperate enough for him to physically perform, even if he still desires you. 

Is he getting treatment for his apnea? 

 

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See a sleep specialist and you may need a CPAP machine to help regulate your breathing.  Snoring deprives your brain of oxygen which leads to increase risk for stroke,  diabetes,  hypertension,  heart disease,  daytime sleepiness,  accidents, etc.  It's nothing to sneeze at.  🤧  If sleep apnea is left untreated,  it can be fatal. 

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I have severe obstructive sleep apnea.  And I use an oral appliance which is amazing.  When was his last sleep study done, and is he using a CPAP machine at night?  He may want to try to impress you, so hasn't been wearing it.  Either way, learn more about it yourself, because it's deadly if not treated.  But, he is a grown man, and should stick to his treatment.  I've had sleep apnea my whole life, and even before I was diagnosed, I was always in the mood.  

Things I would bring up, while have the focus be on his health:

  • Is he using a CPAP, and if not, why not.  If he says the mask, have him get a new one.
  • How severe is it?  Would he consider a hyoid suspension procedure, which is super non-invasive, and only 1 hospital overnight?
  • If he can't handle the CPAP, maybe an oral appliance. 
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7 hours ago, Hubble1991 said:

We met 5 months ago and fell in love really quickly, we were quite intimate at the start and I was happy. The last 2 months the intimacy has reduced a lot. He has sleep apnea and is tired all day every day and is saying this is why he is not in the mood.

The honeymoon period is called that because it is a brief period and then you begin to gradually learn who the real person is beyond that heady stage.

If he knows what the problem is but hasn't mentioned plans to see a doctor and seek treatment, then he's okay with the rate he seeks it out now. There's also a possibility his libido is regularly lower than yours and that he's just using the apnea as an excuse rather than admitting the truth. If he's made no efforts to at least meet you in the middle to come to a consensus that takes your needs in to consideration, then it means he doesn't care that you're left frustrated.

If he was your husband or you two had at least been dating a few years, I'd say to put in more effort to get him to get help for the apnea, asking if he wanted you to make a doctor appt. and attending with him, etc. if he's passive in going to the doctor. But since you've only been dating 5 months, that it's the infatuation stage and not love, that at this point, it's the vetting stage. It's the point of dating--to see who matches you and who doesn't. If a person needs to change in a major way for you to be happy, then he's not the right person for you.

I, too, was in a one-year relationship that started out with a satisfying intimacy, then started petering out after a few months. Over time, because of certain things I was finding out, I'm guessing he might've had a porn addiction. Regardless, I know how frustrating it is to have a higher libido than your partner, and that even though it's logical that you're still the same sexy woman he began dating, that it affects one's confidence. 

I stuck around in hopes it would get better, but it only worsened in that way and in other areas, and he broke up with me. With time and distance, I saw he did me a favor when the next relationship I had was with a man who met all my main needs and he became my husband.

In your shoes, I'd let him know the relationship isn't working out for you. 

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Despite popular opinion, most men aren't sex robots that want to have sex 24/7. They have emotions and physical limitations like anyone else. So saying that he must not be into you if he doesn't want sex all the time is not accurate or fair. 

That said, five months? Hmmm... My experience has been they always wanted it more during this stage..

But, each situation is different. 

Sleep apnea is a physical and often mental condition that can greatly impact a person’s sex drive. So, there's that.

Before you're quick to assume he isn’t interested, he needs to talk to his doctor to find a solution. He may also need emotional support from you during this time, and that could be what helps get your intimacy back on track.

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 6/24/2024 at 5:46 AM, Hubble1991 said:

I guess it was my understanding if a man is really into you I don’t think there would be much to stop them from wanting to have sex, am I wrong? 

As a man there is nothing that would stop me from wanting to be with the woman I love. Sex, however, isn't necessary. Some times you aren't physically, mentally, or emotionally up for it. What matters more is showing your partner you love them and simply being together. Intimacy doesn't just mean sex. It means being there for each other and supporting each other through whatever issue one of you is going through. 

The best nights of my life have come from laying beside the one I love and just holding each other. Sex was not even a consideration.

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