Jealous mum

[Shaz48]

My mum is  upsetting me but i just cannot tell her.  

She seems to be jealous of my life but i have no idea why. When i told her i was going out with my kids to the soccer aid game, she said you have a good life you do, not like me ive just cleaned the toilet.  But she said it in such a down voice, it wasnt im happy for you voice, she said maybe i shouldnt clean my house and go out, some people dont like clean houses i guess.

I am divorced, after a very controlling marriage, i was in a bad relationship that broke my heart and now i am alone with my 2 children who are growing up, my son is 24 and daughter nearly 18 and i joined a social group to give myself a social life.  This social group is my support and yes i enjoy it, we do all kinds of things like quiz nights, music events, bowling, meals, anything really and it is this she is referring to when she says i have a good life.  I told her that i dont really, i just made this for myself rather than sit around and get lonely or feel sorry for myself.  She has a husband after my dad died and she has money and security, i have neither and my future frightens me, yet she thinks i have a better life than i.  No, i have a different life.  These comments she makes about me going out just upsets me and makes me not enjoy it or i feel worried to tell her, rather than excited to tell her what i am up to.  Why does she make me feel like that?  I dont know why it gets to me, but it does.  She thinks she is a loner as her brothers and sisters dont visit her as much as they used to and she gets bitter about it.  i am an only child and i sometimes feel she puts all her emotional baggage onto me and i hate it.  It seems a stupid problem but it is getting me down, i dont seem to be able to tell her how i feel though.  

[Batya33]

It’s time to have better boundaries IMO. keep away from sharing what you are doing and avoid topics that trigger her. No they shouldn’t trigger her but apparently they do. If she asks you for ideas as to how to keep busy then make suggestions but tread lightly.  Sorry for your frustration. 

[tattoobunnie]

Who cares if she is jealous.  She is super toxic.  It doesn't matter if you tell her or reason with her, or have a good reason why you do anything.  She will do what it takes to feel superior.  Sorry she stinks.  Some parents really stink.

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Shaz48 said:

It seems a stupid problem but it is getting me down, i dont seem to be able to tell her how i feel though. 

Not a stupid problem. Your Mom has the kind of martyr personality that drives people away--have you noticed? As for telling her how you feel, consider offering her options, as I did with my Mom the last time she laid that stuff on me. I said, "Mom, I love you and that will never change. But if the price of trusting you with my private information is that you will make me feel lousy about it, you'll hear less from me, not more. Your choice."

She grumbled a bit, and I simply said, "It's up to you, Mom. You can try a little encouragement instead of criticism, or I'll just stop telling you things that will trigger criticism from you. We can talk about the weather. Your choice."

I don't remember what she said afterward, it was probably p!sssy, but I left her to stew with it and over time, and she started stepping up to really try to break her habitual negativity. I think one time I even said to her when she complained about someone, "Well, who in their right mind would want to spend time with anyone who makes them feel lousy all the time? If you'll break that habit and break some bread instead, you may enjoy a different result."

Results are never instant, but pushing back was the best thing I ever did--for her, not just for me.

[Cherylyn]

Don't confide in your mother anymore.  Keep your mouth shut and if you must engage in a conversation,  practice fire walling meaning talk about the weather.  You get the general idea.  Do not confide and guard your words carefully.  Better to say less than too much.  Don't trust your mother because should you talk too much,  you will leave yourself vulnerable to her future criticisms,  backhanded compliments,  attacks and mean judgements.  Ensure that any interactions with her including verbal conversations are limited and kept brief.  You will notice a decrease of snide comments hurled your way.  Never give permission to anyone who is known to abuse you.  You have control over what is permissible and what is not.  Minimize all contact and if she misbehaves,  let there be longer gaps before the next communication as your form of punishment while not saying anything.  Your actions speak louder than words and requires no translation whatsoever.  What goes around comes around. 

If you're a private person,  don't post every minutiae of your life on social media. 

I practice this tactic with some irritating relatives and it works quite well.  If they're clueless,  it doesn't matter because I'll never be able to control their "mouth problems."  All I can do is control the dynamic in my favor which is to my advantage.  You ought to try this strategy because it creates more peace within your soul.

[Kwothe28]

I dont think you get it. Its not the matter of jealousy, its the matter of control. I have a dad like that. For example, if I need to do X, he says a variation of how I should have done it before, or how I shouldnt have done it in a way I want to do but in his way that is way better than my way(spoiler alert, it usually isnt). When I bought one of those nice vertical steaming irons, he said how I dont need one and I wasted money. While I do need one because my iron was old and hate to iron on old board and iron so vertical one does the nice job. Anything I say gets reconstructed how I am this and that. So I tend to just not talk to him too much about stuff I do and buy when we talk on the phone. Its the part of the control. You need to feel inadequate in order for them to assert their opinion. Once you realize that, you will have  better time navigating certain situations.

[Cherylyn]

Insecure people engage in the "misery loves company" tactic.  Since they're incapable of being happy,  they'll take you down several notches by saying something obnoxious in order for you to be at their level of misery.  They lack emotional intelligence (empathy) which is prevalent amongst narcissists. 

Enforce healthy boundaries.

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Don't confide in your mother anymore.  Keep your mouth shut and if you must engage in a conversation,  practice fire walling meaning talk about the weather.  You get the general idea. 

I agree with this.^  Keep conversations simple and if she starts complaining about how bad she's had it or has it, I think it's okay to respond "I'm sorry you've had it tough mom" and then change the subject to something more positive.

I do this with anyone who is a chronic complainer.  Complaining, whining, any sort of negative energy brings ME down and it's up to ME to not allow that to happen.

Such people are who they are.  A cliché but it's up to each of us to manage how we react to it.

Again for me, I steer away from anything about my life that might invite criticism and if they begin criticizing anyway, I walk away from it.  I don't engage and if I must it's very brief and then I walk away.

It really depends on the situation but in your case with your mom, again I would simply say you're sorry you've had it tough mom (so she feels heard) and then change the subject to something more positive.

JMO and what has worked well for me.

 

 

 

[itsallgrand]

I think you've gotten a lot of good input. I just wanted to say I think it's awesome you have found a group where you are connecting and having a good time. Good for you, seriously.

The advice you got is good and here's my slightly less sophisticated take - I could not let what she said slide without some serious teasing. I had a very Catholic very French Canadian grandmother, and she was a master of martyring and guilt. Once I stopped taking it seriously and started letting myself just laugh about it, I feel like I learned the hack of hacks for being non stick for this kind of thing. Think about it, what she said IS totally hyperbolic and comical. "I guess some people don't like a clean house, otherwise they would never go out and just clean the toilet like I did today" etc etc. I'm sure she says zingers all the time. Really out there the leaps she takes. 

My grandma once told me she had nobody to do anything, a poor old lady, none of her grandkids or kids care! I laughed my ass off, honestly, out loud. She had kids and grandkids leaping for her and she was anything but a poor old lady. It was comical , like they will push further and further to see if people will bite on the wild stories of oppression. They know they are full of s/t, they do! 

Let yourself laugh. Don't get on a cross for her. You have done nothing wrong. If you existing troubles her, well, she can get on that cross then. Like you want a lift up there? 😆

[ShySoul]

On 6/12/2024 at 6:56 AM, Shaz48 said:

She has a husband after my dad died and she has money and security, i have neither and my future frightens me, yet she thinks i have a better life than i. ..Why does she make me feel like that?  I dont know why it gets to me, but it does.  She thinks she is a loner as her brothers and sisters dont visit her as much as they used to and she gets bitter about it.

Money and security doesn't mean a person is happy. Her family doesn't visit. She's getting up their in years. I'm guessing if she says she is a loner she doesn't have much in the way of friends or social life. How is the relationship with the husband? She's a lonely person who is probably stuck in her ways and doesn't see a way out of the misery she feels is all around her. So she complains as a way of voicing her displeasure, hoping for someone to take pity on her and reach out to her. But instead it pushes people further away. So they keep on being miserable to the point where it's all they know how to do. 

My mom is the same way. I can call and tell her something as boring as I went grocery shopping and stopped to pickup Chinese food to go and she will complain about she has hasn't been picked up groceries in a month and hasn't eatern out in two months because no one will take her (doesn't drive and needs a walker/wheelchair to go very far). She pushes people away because she gets more comfort out of complaining about her misery then doing something about it.

I try not to take anything she says personally, and neither should you. Realize that it's her own issues that are causing her to feel this way and say these things. It's not your fault and not your responsibity. Keep your conversations short and on more positive topics. If she starts complaining, switch the subject. Maybe suggest a hobby you think she would like or ask her about something she does which she enjoys. If possible, maybe set aside some time to do something with her regularly. Giving her that little bit of attention may make her feel better enough to not complain. Well, not complain as much. 😉