senior dating

[Brittany613]

First of all, I am also middle-aged.
I am curious about how those who are still single for various reasons and over 40 or 50 years old deal with it? How to find the one who really makes them feel loved again?

I have seen many middle-aged and elderly men looking for love on Facebook, but there are always some women with very revealing avatars and even posts in the comments, sending some unknown links or friend requests.

I want to know how people of my age or even older than me find the right person? Dating apps?

[BeaTlesFan77]

Hi Brittany.  I'm 47, male, have never been married, and no kids.  To be painfully honest it's been very difficult to even find a date.  Let alone a special someone.  As I mentioned in my recent post about PDA, it's become very frustrating and I don't even know what to do anymore.  Then having no kids and never dating someone with kids, I'm feeling confused about dating someone with kids.  I have tried putting myself out there many times (Meetups, singles events, just going out and about to events), but nothing comes of it.  Even if I have a great conversation and get her number, I never hear back from them when I reach out.  Then having a very limited social network right now isn't helping either and have to go out by myself all the time.  I haven't tried online dating in a long time, but it doesn't sound good from all the horror stories you keep hearing. 

[ShySoul]

Hey. I'm 41, male and also never married with no children. I agree that it's difficult and fustrating. You wonder when your time will finally come. You feel like everyone else has someone and yet you are still struggling alone. If you put yourself out there only for it to go nowhere you start doubting yourself more and it reinforces the lonliness. So whatever you're feeling right now, you aren't alone.

I don't actually think age matters. Nor does the method. Do what makes you feel comfortable. Do the things you love to do. The right person comes along when its the right time. You can use a dating app. You can try speeddating. You can be introduced through a friend. You can meet a coworker. You can focus on a hobby you enjoy and meet someone through it. You can meet someone volunteering. You can have a conversation with a random stranger in a park. It could even be someone you already know but the right circumstance hasn't brought the two of you together. You never know. And any of these things can happen regardless of you being 25 or 52 or 75.

What I try to do, and advise others to do, is to not worry about it. Be happy with yourself and live the life you want. Have fun being single and free. Realize that it's not about finding anyone, it's about finding the right one. You can't hurry or force love. When it does come, it will be worth the wait.

 

[ShySoul]

Might also help to think of the advantages dating in middle age can have:

https://www.raemona.com/post/dating-over-the-age-of-40-why-it-s-nowhere-near-scary-as-you-think

[Batya33]

Not sure if this counts but my future husband and I reconnected when we were in our late 30s -I had just turned 39 and he was 38.  We'd dated in the past seriously -been engaged - years earlier.

I have several friends in their 40s who have met really great men.  One is divorced with a young child and in the last year started dating a man who seems so lovely just from the photos, where they go, what he posts about her and her son.  Her son is not her ex's child -she had her son on her own.

Another friend in her late 40s met her SO I believe through an online site but after her divorce she'd been going to a lot of singles events so maybe that way.  They've been together 2 years.  She is a lovely woman.  Mother of two teenagers. He also seems so devoted to her and I like that he is sort of -nerdy looking -he just has this lovely smile in their photos together and they go to interesting places and seem  to be having such fun and taking such a delight in each other.

My sister got divorced in her 40s.  I bought her a subscription to an online site and she met a man who she had a 7 year LTR with and also dated a lot through the site. She's now in her early 60s, not interested in dating but she's met a number of men and women through karaoke and also I think she goes to other type of music events where she lives.  She's very pretty and slim.  Always has been pretty and slim and very fit.  4 grown kids/6 grandkids.  I think being slim and fit helps.

My friend just went to a wedding of a man and woman in their early 50s (she's been friends with the man for rdecades )-first marriage for both - I believe met through friends.

A friend of mine met her second husband (widowed) in her early 60s I believe at her HS reunion.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time!  I suggest volunteer work including backstage at community theater, swing dancing events/lessons, a walking or hiking group.  

 

[Andrina]

It's best not to put all your eggs in one basket, so it's good to try many things in tandem. Meetup.com, OLD, dance lessons followed by a dance, volunteer work. Just get yourself out into the world at least one or two times per week as you never know where you will meet someone. A friend met her future husband at the car dealer when she bought her new car. She was in her late 40s. When I was that age as well, I was flirted with in a Panera Bread. He wasn't my type, but if he had been, sure, I would've exchanged numbers with him. I did find my husband on OLD after my first marriage ended. Lots of frustration and uncomfortable situations on OLD, but that's par for the course, so if you can handle that, sometimes the reward of finding a good one makes all the aggravation worth it.

[TeeDee]

My MIL found her SO through mutual friends.  They travelled in overlapping circles & met while out dancing.  

Getting involved in your community & doing in person activities is the best way IMO

[catfeeder]

While cultivating a satisfying social life broadens everyone's opportunities, it's important to note the differences between the ways people use online sites today versus how ads were used when we were young. If traditional dating applied to sites today, we'd all be going on formal 'dates' with total strangers, full nights or afternoons, and we'd be stuck on that date for the duration even after knowing within the first few minutes that the match is a dud. Men would be shelling out too much money with the few exceptions where the woman had stepped up to do the inviting and paying, but given the natural odds that most people are NOT our match, the whole process would be an expensive, time consuming drag.

So today, online sites are more like 'meeting' sites as opposed to 'dating' sites, where people are setting up informal quick-meets over coffee to check one another out. Think of it like speed-dating, except it's one at a time, for 15-20 minutes rather than a couple minutes on a timer. Each agrees not to ask for a real date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, but if not, then no response is necessary. This takes the squirmy rejection stuff off the table. People set up a few quick meets per week on their way home from work, and if someone doesn't show, the other can just take their coffee home and nothing is lost. Take rests when necessary.

[BeaTlesFan77]

On 6/6/2024 at 10:19 PM, ShySoul said:

Might also help to think of the advantages dating in middle age can have:

https://www.raemona.com/post/dating-over-the-age-of-40-why-it-s-nowhere-near-scary-as-you-think

Thank you for sharing this article!  Great info and I saved it to my Pocket app. 

[Brittany613]

Thanks for your advice.

I feel lost about getting to know the opposite sex again at my age.

I have a friend who met the person he will spend the rest of his life with through community activities.

I also have a friend who found a marriage partner through online dating (I don’t remember clearly, it seems to be SeniorMatch).

Maybe I should try more and expand my circle of friends.

[Batya33]

On 6/11/2024 at 2:52 AM, Brittany613 said:

Maybe I should try more and expand my circle of friends.

If you decide to do  this I'd figure out what steps you can take specifically to do them -then make them manageable steps -something you can do to move the ball forward even in a small way -but that you can do in a day-I decided I should ask my neighbor if she wants to meet up for walks and -I followed through and asked. Like that.  When my son was 4 (and I was 46) I heard that my local public radio stations needed volunteers to help with their fundraising drive -so I signed up for a 3 hour time slot.  Another time I signed up to go to a movie night with people from my place of worship (didn't end up going but for valid reasons).  

[tattoobunnie]

On 6/6/2024 at 11:54 PM, Brittany613 said:

First of all, I am also middle-aged.
I am curious about how those who are still single for various reasons and over 40 or 50 years old deal with it? How to find the one who really makes them feel loved again?

I have seen many middle-aged and elderly men looking for love on Facebook, but there are always some women with very revealing avatars and even posts in the comments, sending some unknown links or friend requests.

I want to know how people of my age or even older than me find the right person? Dating apps?

My two buddies, both ladies, one in their mid 40's, one in their mid 50's, both found great, normal dudes, on Facebook dating.  I mean, they are really cool dudes.

[BeaTlesFan77]

15 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

My two buddies, both ladies, one in their mid 40's, one in their mid 50's, both found great, normal dudes, on Facebook dating.  I mean, they are really cool dudes.

Great to hear they were successful on that platform. 

[EtrnalOptimist]

Please don't allow the "horror" stories to put you off. Singles meetups, networking events and online dating are really no different from meeting someone at work or down the pub. Some are weirdos and you stop talking to them and some seem cool and you get to know them better.

I used to hear "plenty of fish in the sea" and think; this isn't a bazaar where you're shopping for the best deal! But that expression really is true. It's a numbers game. The more people you meet, the more likely you are to connect with someone. And incidentally the more confident and better you are at the process.

 

 

 

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, EtrnalOptimist said:

I used to hear "plenty of fish in the sea" and think; this isn't a bazaar where you're shopping for the best deal! But that expression really is true. It's a numbers game. The more people you meet, the more likely you are to connect with someone. And incidentally the more confident and better you are at the process.

Yes! One mistake people make is trying to view everyone through a lens of 'potential future partner' rather than relaxing into the person you are without trying to win anyone over or appeal to everyone.

Another mistake is leftover from the days when friends tried to pressure us into continuing to date someone who THEY like FOR us. You don't need to come up with any reasons for not wanting to see someone again. No need to build a 'case' for nixing them. Even if you don't know why you simply don't enjoy someone as much as you'd wish, you're under no obligation to nail down 'why'. 

[ShySoul]

11 hours ago, EtrnalOptimist said:

It's a numbers game. The more people you meet, the more likely you are to connect with someone. And incidentally the more confident and better you are at the process.

Everyone's experience is different, but in my experience it's the opposite. The more people I meet the more I recognize how little I fit in or connect with most people in the world. That often leaves me feeling more isolated and less confident. If you face a seemingly neverending onslaught of rejection or people who you don't have anything real in common with (beyond superficial similarities), that can wear on you. It just leaves you tired and empty. Sure, maybe you truly connect with 1% of those you meet. But that also means having to surround yourself with the 99% you don't. 

I'd rather stick with quality over quantity. I'm happier with just me, doing what I'm enjoy. I'll meet people naturally and on the rare occassion I sense a connection, I make sure to not pass it up. But I'm not going to search for it.

Also just hate thinking of any of it is a game. When people put their hearts into it and run the risk of emotional pain, it's not a game. 

 

[graphicdesigner]

I've been online dating for 6 months now, and I have to say, the one thing I really hate from OLD is how these men all seem to ask the same questions. It feels like a job interview. And I guess in a way, it is an "interview" for that next special person in my life, but it seems too staged and rehearsed. They all ask what I'm looking for and what do I want to get out of this (i.e. OLD). I just like it to evolve naturally like in the old days of dating. Not so many questions about what my intentions are. Maybe because I'm not necessarily looking for anything serious, so it seems to stick out to me, but I just wish these questions were more genuine.

[BeaTlesFan77]

2 hours ago, graphicdesigner said:

I've been online dating for 6 months now, and I have to say, the one thing I really hate from OLD is how these men all seem to ask the same questions. It feels like a job interview. And I guess in a way, it is an "interview" for that next special person in my life, but it seems too staged and rehearsed. They all ask what I'm looking for and what do I want to get out of this (i.e. OLD). I just like it to evolve naturally like in the old days of dating. Not so many questions about what my intentions are. Maybe because I'm not necessarily looking for anything serious, so it seems to stick out to me, but I just wish these questions were more genuine.

I don’t know if you’ve done speed dating, but it’s pretty much the same thing. Feels like a job interview and you hear the same questions over and over. The last couple of times I did it, I got upset because the background music was pretty loud.  If I’m paying for something like this, I want to be able to hear everyone.  

[EtrnalOptimist]

On 6/15/2024 at 9:33 PM, ShySoul said:

Also just hate thinking of any of it is a game. When people put their hearts into it and run the risk of emotional pain, it's not a game. 

Maybe because I'm not necessarily looking for anything serious, so it seems to stick out to me, but I just wish these questions were more genuine.

"Numbers Game" is a British idiom; it doesn't mean "game" any more than "the early bird catches the worm" really concerns worms. And I have never approached OLD in that way (which is mainly why, for me at least, it has always been fulfilling).

I'd say the second part says more about your experience with OLD. If you're not looking for anything serious, perhaps you should add that to your profile to spare the people who may be looking for something special.

I am sorry that OLD didn't work for you. I didn't find it "unnatural" nor any more "quantity over quality" than consciously going out more, or consciously making conversation with more people at work, or joining more meetups. But then I made a conscious choice to meet someone rather than wait for it to happen.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, EtrnalOptimist said:

"Numbers Game" is a British idiom; it doesn't mean "game" any more than "the early bird catches the worm" really concerns worms. And I have never approached OLD in that way (which is mainly why, for me at least, it has always been fulfilling).

I'd say the second part says more about your experience with OLD. If you're not looking for anything serious, perhaps you should add that to your profile to spare the people who may be looking for something special.

I am sorry that OLD didn't work for you. I didn't find it "unnatural" nor any more "quantity over quality" than consciously going out more, or consciously making conversation with more people at work, or joining more meetups. But then I made a conscious choice to meet someone rather than wait for it to happen.

Same and I did find part of dating strategic for sure.  I had specific goals -marriage and family -a ticking clock -crazy work hours - so I didn't have time to waste and for sure I screened out certain men based on specific requirements I had related to how they approached dating me, getting to know me, when they chose to call, how they planned a date -or not- etc.  Some of this had to do with making a good impression -which I strove to do too and others had to do with their values about relationships which I could learn a lot about from early impressions.  

I didn't want chat buddies, I didn't want to date someone just for the heck of it or for the "adventure" if I already knew we didn't have common goals and values, and I already had enough platonic male and female friends. This was especially true in my 30s.  I saw so many success stories back then -long term relationships (one has lasted 19 years -one child), marriages etc.  For me it definitely was a numbers game and that worked for me.

[ShySoul]

On 6/17/2024 at 5:50 PM, BeaTlesFan77 said:

I don’t know if you’ve done speed dating, but it’s pretty much the same thing. Feels like a job interview and you hear the same questions over and over. The last couple of times I did it, I got upset because the background music was pretty loud.  If I’m paying for something like this, I want to be able to hear everyone.  

Speed dating only gives you a few minutes with each person, right? So it basically is an interview. It's a test. Answer these questions correctly in a short period of time with your best elevator pitch so I can see if you pass enough for a date. Though I'm now curious what kind of music they play which they think is more conducive to this kind of conversation.

Same thing with online. There's always another profile so people feel pressured to rush through the preresiquite questions and evaulate if you are are worthy of more time or if they should move right on to the next one. Where's the magic? Where's the taking your time and letting things develop.

21 hours ago, EtrnalOptimist said:

"Numbers Game" is a British idiom; it doesn't mean "game" any more than "the early bird catches the worm" really concerns worms. 

I am sorry that OLD didn't work for you. I didn't find it "unnatural" nor any more "quantity over quality" than consciously going out more, or consciously making conversation with more people at work, or joining more meetups. But then I made a conscious choice to meet someone rather than wait for it to happen.

Second part of your quote wasn't from me, so not sure if you are confusing me with graphicdesigner. I've never done, nor never will do, online dating. I long ago made the concious choice that I was going to do what was natural for me, living my life without the need to try to find someone. As my friend said, "life is 49% fate, 51% you. Life presents the doorways, you chose to walkthrough." People enter my life through the course of everyday events, I don't have to try to find more. But on the rare occassion someone truly special has entered the picture, I seize the opportunity.

Don't think "number's game" is exclusive to Britain. I've heard the phrase in the US for as long as I can remember. I've also always been a number guy - I'm in accounting afterall. But I see relationships as different. When I hear "number's game" it typically refers to the idea that the more you meet, better chance you have. And yet, that isn't necessarily true. I've won raffles with only one ticket. I've seen people go on few dates and end up happily with their first love. I've also seen people go on date after date and get more depressed because it never works out. In the end, all the dates, relationships, people I've met, none of those numbers will matter. All that matters is the number one - The One that I spend my life with.

[BeaTlesFan77]

5 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Speed dating only gives you a few minutes with each person, right? So it basically is an interview. It's a test. Answer these questions correctly in a short period of time with your best elevator pitch so I can see if you pass enough for a date. Though I'm now curious what kind of music they play which they think is more conducive to this kind of conversation.

Yeah, I'd say you nailed it with your description. 

One of them was at a nightclub that was having a live rock and roll band that night.  The band played inside the building and the dating event was outside with tables and chairs.  However, the building had open areas that led to the outside.  Then the volume of the music was so loud that it carried outside and we couldn't hear our conversations.  I heard from the event host that there were a lot of complaints after and we all got a free ticket to another one.  Still have mine.  This one I would consider going again someday. 

Another one was in a small room used for parties or private events across the way from a bar.  This one wasn't so much the music but more of the volume that was generated from putting too many people into one small room.  Once again, couldn't have a great conversation with anyone.  This host didn't seem to care about anything and I would never go to one of their events again. 

[ShySoul]

1 hour ago, BeaTlesFan77 said:

One of them was at a nightclub that was having a live rock and roll band that night. 

That should be there gimmick. Free concert with every event ticket. If you hit it off, go inside and start the first date. 😉

[BeaTlesFan77]

14 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

That should be there gimmick. Free concert with every event ticket. If you hit it off, go inside and start the first date. 😉

I like your thinking on that. Free concert would make for a great first date.