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Playful Banter


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5 hours ago, yogacat said:

Thanks. I really resonate with this. As to your last question I am not actively seeking a relationship.

I suppose that's where the challenge lays for me because I want to date, I just don't know if I ever want to be in a long term relationship again.

Which leaves me a bit susceptible to men that may only want casual sex which I definitely don't want either.

I hear, and yes, a lack of clarity opens your door to anyone willing to play with that.

Even people who are clearly seeking a LTR face risks of manipulation by those claiming to want a relationship but are really only willing to romance someone until the sex happens. While nothing is foolproof, at least relationship-seekers have the screening device of up-front honesty, which raises some degree of a barrier to allowing 'casual' to walk through their door in the first place.

It might be helpful to consider whether you might be conflating dating to meet commitment-minded and commitment-worthy people versus an obligation to form a committed relationship just because you might find someone who meets that criteria?

I, myself, am certainly not on any single-minded 'hunt' to track down a perfect partner and land myself in a relationship; I'm perfectly happy single. This doesn't make me cynical or closed minded about the possibility of finding someone to share my life with someday. It's just not a priority for me. So while I go through short cycles of dating now and then, I'm only interested in dating commitment-minded people. And yet, whether the outcome is that I simply lose interest, or whether I'm just not relationship material to begin with,  I don't feel a need to resolve that. If something works, it works. If not, then not. I still won't relegate myself to sifting through people who don't even belong in my sandbox--I already know that I don't share compatibility with 'casual'.

Head high.

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1 hour ago, yogacat said:

The last couple of men that I talked to/went on initial dates with --- they brought up the type of personal questions about 10-15 minutes into the conversation about what I am looking for and questions about my vision for the future; what inspires me; what makes me happy and I could tell that they're looking more for something a bit more on the serious side.

I get asked these^^ questions too.  Give or take, they're standard questions people ask to determine if you're both on the same page re what you ultimately want.  Casual, long term, marriage or something in between or like you yoga, not quite sure. 

Not with each other, you just met.  Just generally.  And a desire to get to know you.

I interpret such questions as a positive and that he has some emotional depth (which is important to me) and not just out for a quick lay.

I think one can sense, depending on the man and how the questions are presented, if they're disingenuous or not.  I certainly can. 

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

I just let them know what I was looking for in a partner in general (focus on continuous self-growth, career driven, strong emotional connection, etc.).

This^ is perfect!  Just a general statement about the qualities you seek both in yourself and in the men you date.  

Depending on the guy and if I feel we're connecting, I might add that I'm open to all possibilities, I don't rule anything out and prefer that if things do happen, that they happen gradually and organically.. 

I'm paraphrasing I don't use those exact words each time. 

However you feel comfortable responding in that moment with that particular man. 

Best to not plan responses, let the conversation flow naturally and spontaneously.  

JMO and what works well for me. 

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37 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Yes, it definitely is tricky when you're not entirely sure what you want.

The last couple of men that I talked to/went on initial dates with --- they brought up the type of personal questions about 10-15 minutes into the conversation about what I am looking for and questions about my vision for the future; what inspires me; what makes me happy and I could tell that they're looking more for something a bit more on the serious side.

I feel like I'm on the other side of the spectrum compared to them. I in turn say I am not 100% sure.  

Not only that, I feel like my answer would change for each of the guys, you know?  I just let them know what I was looking for in a partner in general (focus on continuous self-growth, career driven, strong emotional connection, etc.). Either way, I appreciated that they brought it up soon.  

Ugh! I know what you mean. I hate it when they ask me those questions right away. I feel like I'm on a job interview for crying out loud. I'm sick of the same questions. I really need to save my answers and copy and paste them, because it's getting old. lol Sometimes I think that's what these men do. Send me pasted answers that are pre-written. It's so disingenuous.

 

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38 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Yes, it definitely is tricky when you're not entirely sure what you want.

The last couple of men that I talked to/went on initial dates with --- they brought up the type of personal questions about 10-15 minutes into the conversation about what I am looking for and questions about my vision for the future; what inspires me; what makes me happy and I could tell that they're looking more for something a bit more on the serious side.

I feel like I'm on the other side of the spectrum compared to them. I in turn say I am not 100% sure.  

Not only that, I feel like my answer would change for each of the guys, you know?  I just let them know what I was looking for in a partner in general (focus on continuous self-growth, career driven, strong emotional connection, etc.). Either way, I appreciated that they brought it up soon.  

Ugh! I know what you mean. I hate it when they ask me those questions right away. I feel like I'm on a job interview for crying out loud. I'm sick of the same questions. I really need to save my answers and copy and paste them, because it's getting old. lol Sometimes I think that's what these men do. Send me pasted answers that are pre-written. It's so disingenuous.

 

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1 hour ago, yogacat said:

Yes, it definitely is tricky when you're not entirely sure what you want.

The last couple of men that I talked to/went on initial dates with --- they brought up the type of personal questions about 10-15 minutes into the conversation about what I am looking for and questions about my vision for the future; what inspires me; what makes me happy and I could tell that they're looking more for something a bit more on the serious side.

I feel like I'm on the other side of the spectrum compared to them. I in turn say I am not 100% sure.  

Not only that, I feel like my answer would change for each of the guys, you know?  I just let them know what I was looking for in a partner in general (focus on continuous self-growth, career driven, strong emotional connection, etc.). Either way, I appreciated that they brought it up soon.  

I found general questions gave much more inferior information about stuff in common than a phone conversation about tastes in music, travel, theater, books, not in an interview way just chatting where it naturally leads to that stuff. I learned much more about the person's personality and sense of humor that way than those broad based interview type questions with canned responses. But I only responded to profiles listing marriage and family as the goals.

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1 hour ago, graphicdesigner said:

Ugh! I know what you mean. I hate it when they ask me those questions right away. I feel like I'm on a job interview for crying out loud. I'm sick of the same questions. I really need to save my answers and copy and paste them, because it's getting old. lol Sometimes I think that's what these men do. Send me pasted answers that are pre-written. It's so disingenuous.

 

I don't take it as a job interview per se, I take it as a genuine question meant to get to know me and understand what I am looking for.

Some men have had their time wasted when they were looking for something serious and ended up with someone who just wanted a casual fling. It's understandable that they would ask these questions to avoid any potential disappointment in the future.

I do agree though, it's important for them to mix it up and not make it feel like an interrogation. 

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2 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I don't take it as a job interview per se, I take it as a genuine question meant to get to know me and understand what I am looking for.

Some men have had their time wasted when they were looking for something serious and ended up with someone who just wanted a casual fling. It's understandable that they would ask these questions to avoid any potential disappointment in the future.

I do agree though, it's important for them to mix it up and not make it feel like an interrogation. 

Yes  I totally get this nuance and distinction.  Also I cut slack because maybe they've been through so many wasted calls and first meets where the person was not at all on the same page.

One of my future husband's first ever questions to me on our first lunch date was why I chose the career I did (we had the same career back then).  I didn't feel at all like I was being interrogated - I felt like he wanted to get to know me! It was it turns out a really important question from his perspective.  

Also maybe the general question could elicit "I'm looking for someone who wants to move to New Orleans" or "I'm looking for someone who wants to live out of an RV for a year, starting next year."

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1 hour ago, yogacat said:

I don't take it as a job interview per se, I take it as a genuine question meant to get to know me and understand what I am looking for.

Totally agree^.

I also think in a way being asked (for example) "what inspires you"? or "what makes you happy"? are questions to determine compatibility.

Meaning, your reaction to such questions tells him something valuable (to him) about you.

Whether you're open and comfortable being asked such questions and responding thoughtfully OR if you view such questions as "interview" questions, contrived or too intrusive.

Same for you about him!   And why he asked such questions.  If you find them disingenuous or too intrusive (for example), he's not for you, it goes both ways.

It's interesting how we all interpret and respond to different things!

For me, I find being asked questions about what music I like or what books I enjoy reading to be somewhat contrived and more like interview questions.  Those types of things are usually revealed eventually in a  natural way in my experience.

On the other hand, given some responses here, some women find being asked "what inspires you?" to be contrived and interview-like.

No wrong or right, it's all about finding as @catfeeder has said "simpatico," compatibility and ultimately love.

 

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2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Totally agree^.

I also think in a way being asked (for example) "what inspires you"? or "what makes you happy"? are questions to determine compatibility.

Meaning, your reaction to such questions tells him something valuable (to him) about you.

Whether you're open and comfortable being asked such questions and responding thoughtfully OR if you view such questions as "interview" questions and contrived. 

Same for you about him and why he asked such questions.  If you find them disingenuous or too intrusive (for example) it goes both ways.

It's interesting how we all interpret and respond to different things. 

For me, I find being asked questions about what music I like or what books I enjoy reading to be somewhat contrived and more like interview questions.  Those types of things are usually revealed eventually in a natural way in my experience.

On the other hand, given some responses here, some women find being asked "what inspires you?" to be contrived and interview-like.

No wrong or right, it's all about finding as @catfeeder has said "simpatico" and compatibility.

 

Rainbow, you're so right.

I don't think there is a right or wrong - it would depend on the people and their individual communication styles and preferences.

I think your point of view also offers insight as the 'know thyself' part of the equation. What we appreciate or deem to be contrived is key in working out if people are compatible for us. Identifying that also helps with self-awareness and a lot of decisions we make in life.

I also appreciate seeing how other people interpret the same question, and that simplifies the concept.

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2 hours ago, yogacat said:

I don't take it as a job interview per se, I take it as a genuine question meant to get to know me and understand what I am looking for.

Some men have had their time wasted when they were looking for something serious and ended up with someone who just wanted a casual fling. It's understandable that they would ask these questions to avoid any potential disappointment in the future.

I do agree though, it's important for them to mix it up and not make it feel like an interrogation. 

Normally I wouldn't inquire but I noticed @graphicdesigner that you laughed at this post with a laugh emoji.

I'm curious what's comical about it for you?

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14 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I've done that too by mistake and deleted and hit the correct one...

 

I did that once on FB by mistake  and walked away and completely and unintentionally offended someone -no it was not a post that was sad -she thought I was laughing at her.  I apologized - it was a matter of minutes.

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2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I did that once on FB by mistake  and walked away and completely and unintentionally offended someone -no it was not a post that was sad -she thought I was laughing at her.  I apologized - it was a matter of minutes.

I wasn't offended in the least. I was generally curious if it was in response to the comments I made about men and if she was harboring a bit of a dig towards them.

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On 5/27/2024 at 6:21 PM, Batya33 said:

I found general questions gave much more inferior information about stuff in common than a phone conversation about tastes in music, travel, theater, books, not in an interview way just chatting where it naturally leads to that stuff. I learned much more about the person's personality and sense of humor that way than those broad based interview type questions with canned responses. But I only responded to profiles listing marriage and family as the goals.

Batya! 
 

Apologies to fan girl you so much lately (🤣) but I have to agree! 
 

I think the standard dating questions reveal very little! People can plan for those if they want to side track, be deceptive, or come across more confident or savvy than they maybe are? 
 

Conversations on music, life, dreams, family, how they grew up, goals, hobbies - opinions on day to day things - these all give you much more of a niche, personal insight! Or, I have found, anyway! 
 

x

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On 5/25/2024 at 8:11 AM, yogacat said:

Where do you draw the line on playful banter or flirting whether in person or over messages?

The obvious ones are unsolicited photos, overly sexual comments, and repeated and persistent playful banter or flirtation.

Say you're sort of intrigued. But then they say something that make you think, "okay, too much?"

For instance, if you're in the early stages of talking to someone before a date and they're already making hints or innuendos I find it presumptuous. I'm not talking about "hey, I want to bend you over and spank you" type of comments, I mean little suggestive comments that hint toward sex or physical attraction. 

 

I once had a crazy situation that I thought started out really well.

I was at the airport waiting about 6 hours for my flight. I looked dreadful as I’d come directly from being in the (archaeology) field where I’d gotten dirty from excavating. 

While waiting at my gate, a couple of fifo (fly in fly out) construction boys were there waiting for their flight - which would be before mine - from the same gate. One of the guys and I struck up a great conversation for 2 hours. He was so interested in my work, etc. he was very attractive and I was surprised he was interested in talking to someone who looked as grubby and gross as me at that time.

Anyways, his plane eventually came and they had to board. I immediately went back to my research and thought nothing more of it. About 10 minutes later there was a huge kerfuffle at the boarding area and I looked up to see this guy running out of the gate with security behind him and his friend too, all yelling at him to come back. He came right up to me and asked for my number and said he’d regret it if we never saw each other again. I looked back and forth between him and security who were angry about him holding the plane up and if he didn’t leave with them now then they would leave without him. 

I thought it was really romantic. So, we started talking regularly and banter was good. Then one day we were talking while he was working on his house. He was up on the roof and I playfully said he should be careful lest he fall off and impale himself on the fence. His response was “That would be bad. But, much better would be me impaling you.” Gave me the instant ick, like a bucket of cold water dumped on my slowly-growing interest and I felt gross. I called him out on it and said the comment made me very uncomfortable. He then said he wasn’t into relationships but hoped for sex. I was surprised someone would go to all that effort for some sex. And he was attractive enough I’m sure he could have gotten some easily without all this groundwork.

I severed contact pretty quickly after that as everything became a sleazy comment.

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50 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

I thought it was really romantic. So, we started talking regularly and banter was good. Then one day we were talking while he was working on his house. He was up on the roof and I said he should be careful lest he fall off and impale himself on the fence. His response was “That would be bad. But, much better would be impaling you.” Gave me the instant ick, like a bucket of cold water dumped on my slowly-growing interest and I felt gross. He then said he wasn’t into relationships but hoped for sex. I was surprised someone would go to all that effort for some sex. And he was attractive enough I’m sure he could have gotten some easily without all this groundwork.

Yeah, I think the "oh we would have so much fun on our next date, laughing and then kissing under the stars" type of romantic banter is nice. But when it starts getting too sexually suggestive or self-centered, that's when I think it crosses the line.

 

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18 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Yeah, I think the "oh we would have so much fun on our next date, laughing and then kissing under the stars" type of romantic banter is nice. But when it starts getting too sexually suggestive or self-centered, that's when I think it crosses the line.

In your example, his response definitely crosses the line. It's not only objectifying, but it also shows that he's not interested in anything beyond physical pleasure.

 

Yeah, I didn’t receive it well at all. Next! 🤣

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1 hour ago, LotusBlack said:

...he should be careful lest he fall off and impale himself on the fence. His response was ...

Wow. That took my breath away. That's not even sexy, it's threatening.

We can't be too careful;. Someone who seems perfectly kind and charming could turn on a dime.

I'm so sorry you went through that. Really, LB.

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1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Wow. That took my breath away. That's not even sexy, it's threatening.

We can't be too careful;. Someone who seems perfectly kind and charming could turn on a dime and be a user, a batterer, or worse, a raging serial killer.

I'm so sorry you went through that. Really, LB.

I’m not that comfortable with sexual flirting in general - unless in the context of a relationship where it is more covert than overt, but I absolutely loathe vulgarity in any situation, even within a relationship. I just find it really off-putting. What this guy said was particularly vulgar and I was just like yeah nah, not for me.

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11 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

thought it was really romantic. So, we started talking regularly and banter was good. Then one day we were talking while he was working on his house. He was up on the roof and I playfully said he should be careful lest he fall off and impale himself on the fence. His response was “That would be bad. But, much better would be me impaling you.” Gave me the instant ick, like a bucket of cold water dumped on my slowly-growing interest and I felt gross. I called him out on it and said the comment made me very uncomfortable. He then said he wasn’t into relationships but hoped for sex.

Yoo... 😤

How long were seeing him until that happened? 

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5 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Yoo... 😤

How long were you seeing him until that happened? 

I was wondering same. 

Speaking generally, I think it can sometimes be difficult for others to decipher what a particular comment meant/means when they were not there, not privy to the context in which the comment was made, the person's voice tone, body language, the couple's dynamic etc. 

The same comment might be meant and interpreted in different ways depending on all this and also how sensitive the recipient is to different types of banter and their and their partner's or date's sense of humor. 

IOW, what's offensive to one woman (or man if roles were reversed) may be funny/playful to another.  Depending. 

The comment re "impaling" taken literally is extremely offensive!  It literally means "pierce or transfixed with a sharp instrument."  And if he said it in anger or frustration, I'd run for hills, FAST.

But it's also possible he said it in jest, as a joke, a really stupid joke HE thought was funny.  He may have a warped sense of humor and/or lacks social skills.

I've known guys like that and have had the same type "jokes" tossed at me!

I rarely found them "funny" but depending on how I felt about him and if things were good up till that point, and the circumstances re why he said it, I might have chalked it up to a "one off." 

If it kept happening, I'd address it.

Everyone responds differently.  There is no right way or wrong way to respond imo.  Only what's right for that person. 

The comment "we could have fun together," on its own to ME sounds like an innocent comment.

However, I was not there, don't the context or if there was a clear sexual component attached to it, which would make a BIG difference.

Also, this is just me and not referring to anyone specifically, but IF I was looking for an out for whatever reason, I might read more into it than what was intended and use as a reason to dump. 

JMO.

 

 

 

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5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I was wondering same. 

Speaking generally, I think it can sometimes be difficult for others to decipher what a particular comment meant/means when they were not there, not privy to the context in which the comment was made, the person's voice tone, body language, the couple's dynamic etc. 

The same comment might be meant and interpreted in different ways depending on all this and also how sensitive the recipient is to different types of banter and their and their partner's or date's sense of humor. 

IOW, what's offensive to one woman (or man if roles were reversed) may be funny/playful to another.  Depending. 

The comment re "impaling" taken literally is extremely offensive!  It literally means "pierce or transfixed with a sharp instrument."  And if he said it in anger or frustration, I'd run for hills, FAST.

But it's also possible he said it in jest, as a joke, a really stupid joke HE thought was funny.  He may have a warped sense of humor and/or lacks social skills.

I've known guys like that and have had the same type "jokes" tossed at me!

I rarely found them "funny" but depending on how I felt about him and if things were good up till that point, and the circumstances re why he said it, I might have chalked it up to a "one off." 

If it kept happening, I'd address it.

Everyone responds differently.  There is no right way or wrong way to respond imo.  Only what's right for that person. 

The comment "we could have fun together," on its own to ME sounds like an innocent comment.

However, I was not there, don't the context or if there was a clear sexual component attached to it, which would make a BIG difference.

Also, this is just me and not referring to anyone specifically, but IF I was looking for an out for whatever reason, I might read more into it than what was intended and use as a reason to dump. 

JMO.

 

 

 

His house - according to his description - had one of those wrought iron fences around it with the pointed tips. So, while my comment to him was said playfully in tone, the sentiment behind it was genuine due to its proximity to the house. The word alone is quite an intense word, so I added a light note to it through a bit of teasing.

His response implying to use his pen*s to impale me - I.e. sex - was inappropriate  due to his having established our connection/acquaintance as being potentially romantic in nature, not merely sexual and he did so deliberately to misdirect me until such time as he thought I’d accept just a physical tryst. He completely intentionally misrepresented his agenda. Not cool.

I had only known him a few weeks and had not seen him in person or had a voice chat since the day I’d met him at the airport - only texting. We didn’t have the familiarity built up at that point for him to make such a comment and it to be received well, particularly because he’d spent so much time beforehand presenting himself and his intentions in a different way.

My own preference, in general, is to not pursue relationships with anyone who speaks with such sexual vulgarity. I find it very unsexy and unappealing. Even when I read a book that happens to have an intimate scene in it and uses vulgar terminology like c*ck is an instant bleh to me. I either stop reading the book because the writing style isn’t for me or, if the plot is very good, I automatically switch the terms in my head to something I prefer while reading.

Part of my distaste for sexual vulgarity, particularly from people I don’t know or know very little, is that I strongly identify as demisexual, so it takes a lot of time to build up sexual and romantic attraction to someone as I need to have first developed an emotional connection - hard to do with a stranger.

He hadn’t been joking, he was perfectly serious with his intention. Although he did not mean to have violent sex, his choice of words was graphic and unwelcome as it made me feel like a piece of meat.

In any case, each to their own - he enjoys vulgar banter, I do not, so we  were incompatible and that will be the case with any man in the future if he enjoys the same kind of banter. Nothing wrong with vulgar banter if both people enjoy it. For me, it comes down to incompatibility.

 

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