Experience weird emotions about my husband's ex wife

[Loka56]

2 hours ago, Jaunty said:

why are she and your husband communicating regularly

No, these aren't current chats. These are from before their divorce. Their old chat when they were married. 

[itsallgrand]

I know there are some cultural differences here. You are in a Muslim majority country, right? But I don't understand why his ex wife isn't co parenting her children. Is it because she is not fit to do so? Is it because of local laws?

I am concerned about you too. It seems like a recipe for disaster for you to not have your job, be pregnant, be helping raise 4 kids from the previous marriage and all the while you are freaking out that your husband isn't giving you enough attention. What the heck is going on? Your other posts, it sounded like you are a smart and accomplished woman in your own right. I hate seeing you in this position! 

 

 

[catfeeder]

22 hours ago, Loka56 said:

So, one thing i struggle with in my marriage...

This isn't 'one' thing. His ex is the least of your problems. Why do you stay to put up with this mistreatment?

[Andrina]

On 5/24/2024 at 4:10 PM, Loka56 said:

My husband loves me and takes very good care of me, Alhamdulilah.

Why did you say this in your original post and now are saying the opposite? Why aren't you answering any of the questions posters ask? How does he have five hour stretches of time to play video games when he has 4 children? Who watched the children when you two went to a movie and dinner? Are you just a feather that rides upon the wind any which way it blows? Sounds like it.

[Loka56]

On 6/17/2024 at 11:24 PM, itsallgrand said:

But I don't understand why his ex wife isn't co parenting her children. Is it because she is not fit to do so? Is it because of local laws?

His ex-wife is not a safe person to leave kids with. When they were married, Safa used to punish kids severely, for example, by burning their fingers with candles. It was a norm for her, and it was a norm at her mom's house. 

After the divorce, Safa is living with her parents, and she has no means to keep her kids. Though she has filed a custody case, which is ongoing, she is demanding that the kids' father provide a home and maintenance. My husband is providing maintenance, even though the kids live with us 5 days a week, but the court isn't supporting Safa in her demand for a home. 

Why she needs a home? She can't keep the kids at her parents' house.

[Loka56]

On 6/17/2024 at 3:46 AM, Batya33 said:

Why did you marry him if he wasn't interested in spending the amount of time with you that would make you happy?

When we were dating, he used to make a lot of effort. He always made me feel like he was hitting a jackpot and he was so happy to find me. 

Fast forward to days after marriage, he behaves as if I don't exist. I will be writing a new comment detailing this thing. 

[Loka56]

On 5/25/2024 at 7:42 AM, catfeeder said:

How long was he divorced when you met him? How long did you know him before marrying?

Our dating period started when he proposed to me. I was working at a co-working space, and on the second month or maybe 3rd month of working there, he proposed to me. I got so angry at his proposal. Why? Everyone takes me as someone out of their league and used to admire and have a crush on me, but no one dared to propose to me. Proposing to me required guts.

[Loka56]

He got divorced in Dec 2021. Proposed to me on March 30, 2022. We started dating on 3rd May 2022. 

[Loka56]

Guys, when I posted 2 weeks ago, we had a religious event, Eid-ul-Adha. As I am the one who manages things at home, I get busy with preparations, family gatherings, and so much more. Though my pregnancy has been going so smoothly so far, quarrels and being upset with my husband affect my sleep cycle. I am unable to manage to sleep for more than 4 hours per night. 

About the post I made 2 weeks ago: I wrote that post late at night using my mobile. I am not a person who uses my mobile at night, and he noticed it. He checked my mobile, found the ENA app, and read what I posted here. I am sure it had an effect on him. The next day, he tried to talk to me before I tried. It happened for the first time after getting married that he is taking the first step to reconcile. As I mentioned, I was feeling hopeless, and I wasn't able to answer whatever he was saying. So, as a token of 'I appreciate you taking the first step,' I baked cakes. This is the fastest way of making things a bit smoother. 

We went for an outing and talked. He took me to an ice cream parlor as I had been craving it for weeks. The kids and my mother-in-law were with us. 

When we got back home, he explained: I have busy days on a daily basis. I have a full-time job, working on startups and teaching in an institute, which is not easy and is very exhausting. Once I get back home, I want to chill down, and watching funny videos on Facebook helps me relax. He then showed his smartwatch, which had a graph of his stress levels. His stress levels were high during work hours and had a significant drop when he was watching Facebook videos. I was just listening to him. He continued saying that when I get back home, I also want to be close to you but it requires me to make efforts and do physical exertion, which I feel too exhausted to do. This is why I keep rejecting you. 

I had nothing to say. I said to myself that maybe this is something I need to accept. 

[Loka56]

We had sex that night. Then, the next night, I didn't approach him and went to sleep. He woke me up in the middle of the night, and we had sex. Then on the next night, I went to sleep on a good note. Then, on the next night, we had sex. 

[Loka56]

But all these nights, I had many things to say. I didn't get to talk to him. So, after two more nights, my feelings took over me again, and I wanted him to understand that I had an emotional need. As soon as I started talking, he shat me down, saying that you are a thankless woman who lies every time. I spend the night crying. 

I was thinking maybe something was wrong with me, I don't know what, maybe pregnancy hormones or anything else. So, I said sorry the next morning, and we got along. on the night of this day, I thought I should wait for him to get free from FB videos and then we will talk, but he kept on scolding me 'you should sleep, why you aren't sleeping' 

I listened to him and went to sleep. The next day, my MIL went to stay at her mother's house, I was alone with the kids, and they gave me a very tough time. One of the four kids is a very difficult child. He beat the *** out of his all 3 siblings. When he was fighting with his sister, I intervened to step him, he twisted my hand. 

The day was very tough and I told my husband about that. 

When he came home, I put the kids to sleep and was expecting him to at least hug me for a second, and I was looking at him to get close to me. But he didn't. I was feeling hopeless, plus I had to wake up early the next day because my MIL wasn't at home and I had a lot to do, so I decided to go to sleep. However, at around 2:30 am, I saw him sitting on the side of the bed where I had my feet; he was watching something and making weird noises like he does when we make love. I asked him what you are doing? he said I am doing kegels. I had a hunch that something is wrong and he is watching something that I shouldn't be seeing, this is why he is sitting at that side of the bed. I kept looking at him, as it was dark, I was unable to see where his hands were, then after a few minutes, he went to sleep and went to deep sleep (thats what it looked like). 

I wanted to check what he was watching. I got up, checked his phone and came to know that he was watching porn. 

[Loka56]

Before getting married, he said multiple times that he would take me on a honeymoon or a short trip, but he didn't. As I am due in October, I was thinking that I have limited time to travel without a child, so i complained to him, and he asked me to book our calendars for a weekend. We were supposed to go to the northern areas of Pakistan on July 5 and come back on July 7. 

Seeing that he preferred watching porn and nude girls over me, I was feeling so devastated that I canceled that event. As he was sleeping and I was awake in the middle of the night, I sent him WhatsApp texts filled with anger and disappointment. Then, I thought to check his history, and to my surprise, I found that whenever I complained about not having time with him, he watched porn on those days. I confirmed each and every quarrel we had after marriage about me not having enough time with him and found that he was watching porn on those days. 

At that moment, everything seemed worthless and I took his phone and deleted the texts I sent to him. I prayed and recited the Quran to console myself, tried to sleep at around 7 am, and woke up at 9:30 am; I slept in a different room.

Prepared breakfast, got the kids ready for the tuition, and cried in between. Then he woke up and sent me a text, 'why did you cancel the trip plan' to which I replied, 'I saw what you were watching at night.' He said nothing and came downstairs from the room I gave him breakfast, he asked if I had breakfast, and he tried to talk to me as if nothing had happened. Then, when the kids went to tuition, he came into the kitchen where I was doing lunch preps; he asked what was my salary at the firm I got fired from. I said I don't want to tell you. Then he said goodbye and went to work. I broke into tears. 

He was supposed to explain himself instead of asking me about my salary. I got so emotional that I decided to go to my mom's with the kids. We live 1 hour away from the city, and the route is not safe for an alone girl to travel. So, I thought once the kids came back from their tuition, I would take them and go to my mom's from where he could pick kids at night on his route back home. 

However, I texted him, 'I want to go at my mom's place. I will be going in the afternoon,' he replied 'are you in your senses? if you want to go, let me drop you' I said okay. At this moment, I didn't thought about kids and when I was thinking, I said to myself that they aren't mine and I need to prioritize myself at this moment. Then his text came, 'what about kids' I replied 'I don't know, they aren't mine' 

Then he came, and we got into the car. 

[Loka56]

As soon as I got into the car, I realized that I couldn't go to my mom's place like a mess, crying. She won't be able to handle her strongest daughter like a mess. I started crying and dialed the phone to my MIL and told her that we fought and now am on my way to my mom's house but I can't go as I made a lot of effort to make my mom agree to let me marry this man, now I have no face to go to her like this. 

She said I want to talk to my son and as they were talking, she asked him why he was doing this to her, he replied, 'she is behaving this way to deserve this, she said that the kids aren't hers' 

it was another moment of heartbreak for me as he made the whole thing about MY BEHAVIOR instead of paying any attention to the emotional turmoil he caused me. My MIL ordered us not to drop me at my mom's (I wanted to same) and we were going to pick up my MIL from her mother's house and then go back to our home. On our way, before picking up my MIL, I cried, shouted, yelled, took my all anger out on him, and felt so helpless. 

[Loka56]

Then we got back home, and he went to work. I, with my MIL, prepared lunch, did laundry, and ate lunch. I went to shower, came back, and started preparing for dinner. As soon as I got free from dinner, I went to sleep, and I fell asleep earlier. He came into the room at around 2, and my sleep was disturbed. I got up, went to the washroom didn't care about his sleep, and started working on the leftover tasks of my job. His sleep was disturbed. He took his pillows and decided to sleep with the kids. I told him he should sleep in the room. I am going downstairs to work, and he replied,'no you should sit here.' I cared less and stayed there. 

In the morning, I found him so much aggressive with me. So, I went to talk to him about why he is angry. He replied, 'you made a fuss based on your emotions, and my kids are the one who suffered, I had to leave kids at home, alone, just because of you and you have no idea how worry I was about them' I said 'sorry, I won't cause the same situation again' he said, 'I won't give you any chance for that' and he went to shower closing the door at my face. 

I yelled, 'you are not addressing the root cause of all this, you think of me as a joke, then why did you have to start a family with me?' he replied 'it's all in your head, I did nothing wrong' 

I left the room crying. 

[Loka56]

Then, as I was feeling so disoriented, I booked an appointment with my psychologist and talked about everything with her. She suggested me to get distant from him. We had a farmhouse trip planned for today, where so many successful homeschooling parents are coming. I have a busy life, and weekends are the only days where I get to have some rest. Plus, a trip with kids requires so much effort, waking up early in the morning, getting the kids showered, having breakfast, making sure that everything is ready, and once we get there, making sure that everyone is enjoying is so exhausting, so I didn't want to go on this trip. However, my husband called my MIL and asked her if she and I want to go, to which, without asking me, replied, yes, we both will definitely go, I was there and nodded my head yes. I told this to my psychologist, and she said you and the child you have in your womb should be your foremost priority right now. If you don't want to go, then don't. 

She also suggested I stay at my mom's for at least a week and build a life without him and the kids. So, right now, I am at my mom's. She also suggested that my husband should take at least one session with her, I texted this to my husband on Friday. 

[Loka56]

Last night he asked me how he could book an appointment with the psychologist, and I replied to him about that. 

My psychologist suggested to not talk to him unless he does. And if he sends me texts, don't get overexcited and happy about that. 

Now, at my mom's, I am realizing that in these 6 months of being married, I lost everything. I have no job, nothing I used to like, no place to go if we get divorced, and no means to raise my own kids. I told the same thing to my psychologist, she said, 'you didn't do anything wrong and porn addiction is something you wouldn't have know before living with him, it's not your fault' she suggested I not cry. But the thing is, I am helpless. 

[Loka56]

One thing I didn't tell you guys before, is that I felt shame, this is not the first time I caught him watching porn. This is happening for the sixth time in this small window. This is why I am feeling so devastated that his apologies mean nothing, he saying that he loves me means nothing. He provides me with everything, he massages my back, and my feet, whenever I ask, he gets my water bottle filled at night even though he is tired (he was vocalizing all he does and calling me a thankless woman) but this all means nothing to me. All that matters is how he makes me feel, which is, that those nude girls, those dirty, lustful videos, are better than me. At this moment, I am questioning every moment when he called me beautiful, and sexy and praises my beauty. 

[Loka56]

Why I am feeling hopeless: I have been through the same thing in my first relationship, which was long ago. That guy had the same porn addiction, he also blamed that on me, and in the end, when I was sone with him, he projected those things on me saying that I have found someone else. However, he was cheating on me. 

I think, my husband is also following the same pattern. When we were en route to my mom's place, he tried to justified his porn addiction saying that 'I don't get turned on without it' which to me, sounded that 'I am nothing'

Due to pregnancy hormones, my body is changing, a few weeks ago, he said,'if you don't take of yourself, you will look funny'

at the beginning of our marriage, he justified masturbation with 'your muscles aren't strong and I know this is a fact because this is not my first time having sex, I have been active for ten years' this had a huge impact on me. I didn't share it with you guys because I didn't know what to do. After this comment of his, I have been doing Kegels to improve how he feels. 

But, now I am getting certain that one day my husband will definitely cheat on me with someone sexier and bouncier than me. 

[Loka56]

We had a rule set for transparency. I knew his Android phone's password, but he got a new iPhone and didn't share its password with me. After finding out his history, I changed my phone's lock. I am sure once we talk, he will raise this point and will be angry with me about changing my phone's password and not sharing it with him. 

Another thing, he installed WhatsApp on the kids' Tab. I am against it. They will be talking to their bio-mom, who speaks *** about me, and the kids get influenced and misbehave with me. Plus, I had a parental control app installed in the kid's Tab to limit their screen time, and he ordered me to uninstall it. 

I asked why, he echoed my words,'they are not yours'

One thing is sure, I won't be putting up with this. 

[Loka56]

@Wiseman2 I'll appreciate your advice here.

[Loka56]

On 6/18/2024 at 2:17 AM, Andrina said:

Why did you say this in your original post and now are saying the opposite?

He provides everything. Gives the impression that he listens and complies with everything I say. Take me out on dates and dinners, bring things I ask for, and fill my water bottle regularly at night for me. Spends on me, laughs with me, and talks to me when not at home via texts. Updates me about what he is doing. Give me a foot massage as I am experiencing pain due to pregnancy. 

I referred all of that as 'love and care'

 

On 6/18/2024 at 2:17 AM, Andrina said:

Why aren't you answering any of the questions posters ask?

I got caught up with responsibilities at home, family gatherings and not having enough time to rest. 

 

On 6/18/2024 at 2:17 AM, Andrina said:

How does he have five hour stretches of time to play video games when he has 4 children?

He no longer spends time with kids. When he gets back from work, he eats dinner, the kids go to sleep, and then at around 11:30 pm, he enters the room, and till 2:30 am, he stays awake. He wakes up at 12 in the morning, has breakfast and goes to work at around 1:30 pm. Kids have tuition from 12 pm to 2 pm. I and my mother in law watch the kids. 

[Loka56]

On 6/18/2024 at 2:17 AM, Andrina said:

Who watched the children when you two went to a movie and dinner?

We did that on Saturday. Kids go to meet their mom on Friday afternoon, and we pick them up on Sunday evening. 

[Loka56]

@Cherylyn @catfeeder @itsallgrand @Jaunty can you guys please help me with forming boundaries? 

All of this is a result of accepting everything at his home wholeheartedly and loving them all with all my heart. 

[Batya33]

This sounds very dsyfunctional overall with both of you resorting to passive aggressive and/or outright aggressive ways of communicating and expressing feelings.  It's also not safe for your baby's health or yours.  He is under a lot of stress and works very hard -as do many many people who are married and either happily married and/or dealing with the stresses and challenges in a healthful, stable and team-like way.  And getting -if not happiness at that very moment -the comfort of knowing they were and will be really happy/fun times again and that they together can weather the storm so to speak.  You two are like oil and water and time and again have shown you cannot interact in a healthful way and to add to it you are growing a human being.

Can you go stay with your mother for awhile? Do you have a therapist or someone at your place of worship who truly can act and respond in a helpful and objective way as a therapist would? I'm glad you posted here but obviously this is very serious and complicated stuff which I think requires more.

Take care and I hope today is better.

[Loka56]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

This sounds very dsyfunctional overall with both of you resorting to passive aggressive and/or outright aggressive ways of communicating and expressing feelings.  It's also not safe for your baby's health or yours.  He is under a lot of stress and works very hard -as do many many people who are married and either happily married and/or dealing with the stresses and challenges in a healthful, stable and team-like way.  And getting -if not happiness at that very moment -the comfort of knowing they were and will be really happy/fun times again and that they together can weather the storm so to speak.  You two are like oil and water and time and again have shown you cannot interact in a healthful way and to add to it you are growing a human being.

Can you go stay with your mother for awhile? Do you have a therapist or someone at your place of worship who truly can act and respond in a helpful and objective way as a therapist would? I'm glad you posted here but obviously this is very serious and complicated stuff which I think requires more.

Take care and I hope today is better.

I am at my mother's place. I am consulting with a therapist. This therapist asked me to let my husband know that he also needs a session. I am not sure if he booked it or not.

I am at my mother's place since this Friday and will stay here for a week as my therapist suggested.