Experience weird emotions about my husband's ex wife

[Loka56]

To this day, my husband's ex-wife wants to reconcile with him. He doesn't, and he is done with her. However, I have been having this weird curiosity about their relationship with each other. I often find myself questioning 

- how they were with each other 

- what made him divorce his ex

When I asked him (I asked it at the beginning of our relationship) what made you divorce her, he replied, there's not a single event that I can think of. There was a series of events that made me exhausted to the point that I was done with her. 

He had their old chat on WhatsApp from the time when they were married. I checked it today and saw that they were good. Showing affection to each other, being respectable towards each other, and having a good relationship, it seems. My husband loves me and takes very good care of me, Alhamdulilah. But seeing how he was done with Safa, his first wife, after having 5 kids (1 died) over the course of 11 years of marriage, will he be done with me, too? Will all the love he has for me vanish away after some time?

Though I can understand why couples get divorced, as my parents got separated after living together all their lives, my parents were different. They both wanted to escape from each other. They both were tired of each other, unlike my husband and his ex. 

 

I don't know what to do with these thoughts. 

[Andrina]

37 minutes ago, Loka56 said:

Will all the love he has for me vanish away after some time?

The only thing you have control of is being a good spouse to him, just as you say he's been to you. If you being your best, genuine self isn't good enough for him and he doesn't have the intelligence and good heart to put in the efforts necessary to keep a marriage strong, then good riddance if he leaves.

What you should do for any unknown in life such as a spouse dying or if a break up happens, is to keep a fulfilling life besides being with him, plus to become financially sound in the case you one day have to live solely on your own earnings.

Stop looking into the past, scrutinizing their texts. Worrying is a waste of time and robbing you of a joyful present. You're self-sabotaging. What do you think your demeanor looks like when you're thinking like a shrinking violet? What do you think it would look like if you released all that angst and took the present day as is and enjoy what you say is his good treatment of you? Would you like to be around him every day if he were a sad sack? Not that we all have to be in a good mood every day, but to get in a habit of dredging the lake for skeletons is no way to live.

[catfeeder]

I'm sorry you're feeling insecure. How long was he divorced when you met him? How long did you know him before marrying?

[ShySoul]

That was a different relationship and a different time. You are not the same person as her. He is not the same person with you as he was with her. And your relationship is not the same as their relationship.

Every relationship is different. It is a unique thing built upon the people involved and the experiences they share. Just because something happened in the past, is no guarantee it will happen in the future, especially given that the circumstances surrounding him is different.

People separate for all kinds of reasons. It's rarely one moment or thing, it usually is a combination of factors. And it doesn't have to be tense with all kinds of fighting and bad feelings. Sometimes people just grow apart. Even when there is drama involved, there can still be moments of peace and happiness. You can still care about a person, but realize they are not your soulmate. There is an infinity of valuables, so worrying about them all is futile.

Trying to dig up and explain the past will only cause you more stress. Same with worrying about a possible future that may never happen. I used to do the same until a love one advised me to live in the moment. You can't change the past and you can't always control the future. But you can make the most of what you have today. Work with him to build a happy life together right now. Savour every day. Build memories together. If you are sharing that love and bond with each other each day, odds are it will continue.

[Loka56]

Update: Your responses really help. I also talked about this with my therapist, and now the urge/thought of digging up their texts is totally shut. 

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Loka56 said:

Update: Your responses really help. I also talked about this with my therapist, and now the urge/thought of digging up their texts is totally shut. 

Thank you for the update, and so glad to hear this. Enjoy your relationship!

[Cherylyn]

There could be so many reasons such as being burned out as a married couple after having 5 kids and death of a child is often times the cause of the split or divorce.  There's a lot of blame and / or the pain was too great to resume marriage.  Being bereft of that magnitude is very difficult to overcome if not impossible.  There are a myriad of reasons.  Perhaps he prefers to keep his private thoughts to himself.  It could be guilt for how he didn't treat his ex-wife right,  what he said to her, for example.  You don't know.  When he told you it was due to an accumulation of reasons,  leave it at that and don't pry anymore. 

At this point it doesn't matter because he's currently married to you.  Don't speculate that he could leave you, too because you can't predict the future.  All you can do is hope and pray your marriage will be secure and content.  Both of you need to do whatever it takes to have a successful marriage.  Make it the goal.

You don't know what to do with your thoughts?  Change the way you think and be more positive.  Practice gratitude for starters.  Create a joyous home life.  Take good care of yourself.  Don't focus on negativity anymore.

[Loka56]

So, one thing i struggle with in my marriage is the fact that he don't make time for me. 

When he gets some free time I always have to fight for his attention. Like I had issues before our marriage. 

I always made efforts to keep things going. But today, I am feeling hopeless. The thoughts that he don't care about me, doesn't need me, and have no time for me, is getting so solid. 

Last week, he kept on meeting new people and chatting with them during office hours. Came back home and worked till late at night. On Friday night, rejected my request and suggested me to sleep when I said 'i am missing you' dropped me at my mom's on Saturday morning and picked me on Sunday evening. Since the moment he picked me he is not talking to me. I tried to break the ice and got scolded from him. Since then I am silent too. Now he has been watching useless videos on Facebook for 5 hours and I am contemplating what I did wrong. 

 

Another thing, as I had a job and doing a job is mot easy with 4 kids, being pregnant and a home, I got the off-boarding email on Saturday morning from the firm I work with. 

Now what he will do is keep watching these videos and then sleep peacefully till morning while I am crying lying next to him. 

 

[Batya33]

Why did you marry him if he wasn't interested in spending the amount of time with you that would make you happy? I'm sorry you're feeling so sad!

[ShySoul]

The most important part of a relationship is having that emotional connection that is reinforced by just spending time together. Without it, couples drift apart. I watched it happen as my father was the same, too busy working, sleeping, or socializing at a bar to give my mother the attention she needed.

You don't deserve that. Videos aren't as important as the wife he is supposed to love, who is working hard to care for his children. You need to have a serious talk with him. Make him listen. Don't drop a hint or let him scold you into silence. Really get it out there and tell him how you feel. Tell him you need more and how hurt and alone he is making you feel. 

[Jaunty]

3 hours ago, Loka56 said:

 Another thing, as I had a job and doing a job is mot easy with 4 kids, being pregnant and a home, I got the off-boarding email on Saturday morning from the firm I work with.

 

You are pregnant and have 4 kids?   

[Loka56]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

4 kids

These are my step kids,  kids from my husband's first marriage. 

[Loka56]

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

The most important part of a relationship is having that emotional connection that is reinforced by just spending time together. Without it, couples drift apart. I watched it happen as my father was the same, too busy working, sleeping, or socializing at a bar to give my mother the attention she needed.

You don't deserve that. Videos aren't as important as the wife he is supposed to love, who is working hard to care for his children. You need to have a serious talk with him. Make him listen. Don't drop a hint or let him scold you into silence. Really get it out there and tell him how you feel. Tell him you need more and how hurt and alone he is making you feel. 

I'm feeling hopeless. This isn't the first time it is happening. 

[Jaunty]

Do the kids live with you?   You posted a lot about your relationship prior to being married and living together.  I didn't realize that you were marrying a man with many children and an ex.   

[ShySoul]

2 hours ago, Loka56 said:

I'm feeling hopeless. This isn't the first time it is happening. 

Hang in there. There's no way to know how this will turn out. It's true some couples don't make it, I've seen plenty of those. But I've also seen couples who can work through things together. I've known people who make drastic changes to better themselves in the hope of saving the relationship. The future isn't written in stone.

The important thing is to take that first step. It's trying to address the issue and see what is really there to save. I know it's scary and overwhelming. I know it can feel pointless and hopeless. But if you don't try, you'll never know. And it's better then spending days or years crying and feeling alone.

[Loka56]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

Do the kids live with you?

Yes. There're no major issues so far with them. 

[Jaunty]

His ex wife doesn't co-parent?

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Loka56 said:

Yes. There're no major issues so far with them. 

Did you know about this arrangement before the marriage? Do you like your stepparent role? Is your husband happy with how you all interact as a family?

"No major issues" sounds like you're talking about used appliances.  Would you like if  your husband said when you have your child "yes I'm a new parent and there are no major issues with our newborn so far".  Have you talked about how your collective parenting responsibilities will change with a newborn?

[Loka56]

7 hours ago, Jaunty said:

His ex wife doesn't co-parent?

No she doesn't.

[Loka56]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Did you know about this arrangement before the marriage

Yes, I knew that.

 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Do you like your stepparent role

Pretty much, yes. 

 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Is your husband happy with how you all interact as a family?

Yes, he is more than happy. 

[Loka56]

10 hours ago, ShySoul said:

But I've also seen couples who can work through things together

Talking to him feels like totally useless. 

What I think, by nature, when you meet your spouse after days (even just 2 days) you take time to chat and listen to each other. It's from the beginning of our marriage, when I come back home from my mom's after days, I find myself so eager to spend time with him but he keeps himself busy with what he likes. It was a video game before, to which I said to myself that he'll get bored with the game some day, and will back to me. But no. He did get bore with the game, but the time slot has been taken by Facebook and YouTube. A few weeks ago it was news. 

I'm never something to him. Never. 

Last week I asked him to go to cinema with me. We went there. Laughed together. Had dinner and quality time. But when we came back home, i wanted to be close to him, took the initiative, but he shrugged me off. 

 

This has happens all the time. Now, I am seriously tired of being the only one who always wants to have more of him, his time, attention, affection. 

 

[Loka56]

When he keeps himself busy in whatever he likes, video or game, I wait for him to get done in hope that he is a human and he do need some me-time, I might get some couple-time once his me-time quota is full. But do you know what he says? You should go to sleep. You should not wait. 

I don't want to be the same anymore. I want to be busy in what I like same as him. I also want to have limited time for him like he have for me. 

[Loka56]

I just don't want to be attached to him anymore. I am tired of this cycle: not having enough time with him, making a request, getting rejected, waiting for weekends to have time, seeing him prioritize everything except his wife, feeling pathetic and unwanted, getting angry, having a fight, fight resolution, having enough time for a few days, then boom, the cycle restarts. 

[Jaunty]

I am concerned about you.   You seem to be behaving irrationally.   

Less than one year ago you were not married, or else not in the eyes of your family.   You posted a great deal about that situation.  

Now you are suddenly concerned about his ex wife, who did not even exist in your prior posts.  And you're pregnant and parenting 4 kids out of nowhere?   And you're feeling "done" with your marriage already?  

If the ex is not involved with the 4 children - why are she and your husband communicating regularly?  There's nothing inherently wrong with it but I don't understand.  

You seem to be consumed with jealousy, rage, anxiety.  And your massive need for attention.  You're not working any more - doesn't seem like you do anything involving the children in your care - you are just wanting attention.   

You've mentioned being in therapy - are you being helped?

 

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

If the ex is not involved with the 4 children - why are she and your husband communicating regularly?  There's nothing inherently wrong with it but I don't understand.  

I am wondering the same.