Kwothe28 Posted May 11 Share Posted May 11 3 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said: But this is a behavior I've never experienced with my ex-husband or any guy I've dated before. You maybe wont like my opinion but here it is: You focus a lot on physical and my guess is that your dates are too. Which isnt a problem while you are younger because its a given that you are in a prime. As you get older, well, beauty fades. So, the guy who is interested in a physical wont have his eyes just on you anymore. Especially if a younger model passes. And my guess is that she was probably younger. I am not saying that the guy should have done that. But when your dates are more focused on physical, its no wonder maybe younger models catch their eyes as the time passes. Just an explanation about what happened. 1 Link to comment
Sindy_0311 Posted May 11 Author Share Posted May 11 23 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said: You maybe wont like my opinion but here it is: You focus a lot on physical and my guess is that your dates are too. Which isnt a problem while you are younger because its a given that you are in a prime. As you get older, well, beauty fades. So, the guy who is interested in a physical wont have his eyes just on you anymore. Especially if a younger model passes. And my guess is that she was probably younger. I am not saying that the guy should have done that. But when your dates are more focused on physical, its no wonder maybe younger models catch their eyes as the time passes. Just an explanation about what happened. So basically I have to accept that I don’t look that good anymore and try to focus more on guys I might be less attracted to? And if really I want a good looking guy, even if he is older than me, I will have to deal with the competition? Ok… maybe I can try that! Link to comment
Kwothe28 Posted May 11 Share Posted May 11 7 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said: So basically I have to accept that I don’t look that good anymore and try to focus more on guys I might be less attracted to? And if really I want a good looking guy, even if he is older than me, I will have to deal with the competition? Ok… maybe I can try that! I didnt said that you dont look good. I dont even know how you look lol. Just that if your dates are focused on physical looks, it will inevitably happen. As it did. Not every man would gawk at other women while he is with you. But your choices of dates might as they are focused on looks and not what is in front of them. Sorry. Also, there is a difference between "less shallow" men and "less beautiful". Maybe focus on finding that out. 2 Link to comment
Andrina Posted May 11 Share Posted May 11 IMO, guys like that are oglers, constantly scanning for eye candy. They relish the moment, which is why their looking lasts too long and other people notice that. I feel like I'm a normal person in the area of noticing an exceptionally good looking person. If I'm out and about, said person has to cross my path or be in such close proximity that I'm bound to see them. I have not scouted the room for hotties. And then if my husband was with me, I'd have the intelligence to be furtive in my admiration of the handsome stranger's looks. You were right to not waste another second with the dweeb. 2 Link to comment
Sindy_0311 Posted May 11 Author Share Posted May 11 1 hour ago, yogacat said: Look at how Dracula is fixated on his lady... Well this is a creepy stare 😆 1 Link to comment
Sindy_0311 Posted May 11 Author Share Posted May 11 47 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said: Just that if your dates are focused on physical looks, it will inevitably happen I try not to meet men who appear to superficial or too much on looks, which is also the reason why its the first time it happened and it shocked me lol. I know im not 20 anymore, and I think its ok to appreciate the beautiful young people, but still I think if a guy really likes the woman (physically and her personality) he has in front of him he won't do such thing, even if usually uncontrolled. I mean second date, first kiss exchanged, we were mainly dancing and touching each other, how else could I have his entire focus if not in this context. The guy just wasn't into it. Can you frankly imagine a man really really liking the woman he is dating, and being highly attracted to her, having that look at other women during the date? I can't... Link to comment
Kwothe28 Posted May 11 Share Posted May 11 28 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said: Can you frankly imagine a man really really liking the woman he is dating, and being highly attracted to her, having that look at other women during the date? I can't... Not really. But that again reflects your date taste. From messages on this thread all I know about the guy is that he is 48, probably beautiful and that you mooched on a second date. Where are "the screens"? Has he tried to get to know you better other than "inspecting your mouth"? Is he generous? Maybe does something to help people? Again, I dont think like your friend and think you are in the right for giving him the booth. Just think that your screening process might be in order for a fixing so this kind of stuff wont happen in the future. Again, you mooched a stranger who turned out to be a total sleaze. 1 Link to comment
yogacat Posted May 11 Share Posted May 11 53 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said: Well this is a creepy stare 😆 "But he lurvvvveesss her."😂 For realsies, two dates. One doesn't need these early complications. Why bother continuing when there are already these glaring issues? It only takes a small level of respect and tact to not be an assface and ogle other checkout scenery...especially in this scenario. 1 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted May 11 Share Posted May 11 @Sindy_0311 a couple of comments: First off I've seen your pic and you're beautiful! So imo this is not about your looks or your age (40). In fact in another thread about the man who had lied about HIS age (54) he was specifically targeting "younger" women and the OP he had targeted is 39, turning 40! Your age. To this man (48) you are also younger by 8 years so again this has nothing to do with your age imo. Or your looks or even his own attraction to you. It's about HIS character or in his case lack thereof. And also possibly lack of social skills. Or perhaps he's simply a dope. Good riddance. Secondly, these early stages are for observing. You observed, you didn't like, the end, next. I would have done same! His excuse was totally lame! He's aware of it but yet continues doing it? SMH. It was rude and disrespectful and you did the right thing 'disqualifying' him. And I give you lots of credit for speaking up! I probably would have said nothing, excused myself, went home and blocked him. I am still learning how to properly assert myself in such situations and it was beneficial reading how you chose to handle it. Lastly, do NOT feel badly for nexting men early in when YOU get a bad feeling. It may not be a red flag for another woman, but for you it was and that's okay! I lost count of how many men I met, briefly dated and nexted in between my break up with 'Elevator Guy" and the new man I'm dating and I almost nexted him too! But that was NOT because of anything HE did, it was my own fears and bias at play in my case. Try to not second guess yourself or your own decisions. You can listen to others but in the end always do what's right and best for you no matter what others (your friends) think. 😀 1 Link to comment
Sindy_0311 Posted May 11 Author Share Posted May 11 15 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: I probably would have said nothing, excused myself, went home and blocked him. Thank you for your input. When I saw the thing I asked him “what was that” and he apologized. I took a second and decided to go to the bathroom to think about what just happened. What I came back I asked him whether we could go outside for a minute. This is where he confessed that it’s not the first time he displays those kind of behaviors. So I told him that it’s not going to work for me. I wasn’t angry, I spoke calmly, explaining that I’m not a jealous person, but that I show respect to the guy I’m dating by not looking around and I expect the same in return. He apologized again and I told him that I would rather him leaving. He proposed to drive me home but I declined. Instead I spent the whole night in this bar dancing salsa with young guys lol… (came home at 5 am, took me two days to recover) the point is: I’m happy I discussed it with him, this way I know for sure that it wasn’t a one time incident, but a pattern. You remember Stefan, the YouTube coach? He always says when you see a red flag, you address it and then you decide… but never cut people without talking first. No harm done at this point, and more important: no regrets! 2 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted May 11 Share Posted May 11 20 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said: the point is: I’m happy I discussed it with him, Yes and I gave you kudos for that. 😀 45 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: And I give you lots of credit for speaking up! I'm still learning myself especially re how to be more assertive and less passive, so again it was beneficial reading how you handled it. No justification required @Sindy_0311you did what was best for you. And it was the right thing to do imo, so he knows too. Do you have any other men in the wings? Or dates lined up? Link to comment
Sindy_0311 Posted May 11 Author Share Posted May 11 58 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said: Just think that your screening process might be in order for a fixing so this kind of stuff wont happen in the future. I don’t think this is something I could prevent only by screening better. This is the kind of behavior you only find out when you interact in person. And outside of this, the guy was completely ok, chivalrous, respectful, paying for everything, asking questions, calling me daily, complimenting me, seemed serious relationship oriented, etc… the only thing he did wrong was to come with a rose on our first meet. Ouch Link to comment
Sindy_0311 Posted May 11 Author Share Posted May 11 1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said: Do you have any other men in the wings? Or dates lined up? No really. Outside of a young guy I dated casually two years ago and trying to get booty again. He saw me at that club the other night and contacted me… maybe I’ll go for it 🤦🏼♀️🤣 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted May 11 Share Posted May 11 13 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said: the only thing he did wrong was to come with a rose on our first meet. Ouch. I'm curious why you considered him bringing you a single rose "wrong"? An ouch? My new guy owns a bakery and brought me a box of fresh baked cookies to our first meet and after I got over my bias re how he chose to dress, I thought the cookies were thoughtful and very sweet! Endearing. Of course again you do you, I'm just curious why you considered that wrong. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted May 11 Share Posted May 11 19 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said: I’m happy I discussed it with him, this way I know for sure that it wasn’t a one time incident, but a pattern. I only discussed if safe to do so -especially on a first date or first meet. Second date-depends on how well I knew him. Link to comment
Sindy_0311 Posted May 11 Author Share Posted May 11 7 minutes ago, Batya33 said: I only discussed if safe to do so -especially on a first date or first meet. Second date-depends on how well I knew him. It was second date… so I think it was fair to do so… Link to comment
Batya33 Posted May 11 Share Posted May 11 5 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said: It was second date… so I think it was fair to do so… Always fair. I took safety into account. 1 Link to comment
Sindy_0311 Posted May 11 Author Share Posted May 11 11 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: I'm just curious why you considered that wrong. We didn’t know each other yet, we just saw two or three photos, exchanged through text, had one call, but I always thought it was weird to come with a gift on a first meet because in reality you don’t know who the gift is for, so it takes away all the significance of it. Especially when you meet someone on a dating app. Many men say that the woman they meet are not the same as portrayed on the app, sometimes they filter their fotos, they weight more, sometimes personalities don’t align when talking in person. So what’s the point in offering flowers to a woman you don’t know? Overcompensating maybe… idk… Link to comment
Batya33 Posted May 11 Share Posted May 11 1 minute ago, Sindy_0311 said: We didn’t know each other yet, we just saw two or three photos, exchanged through text, had one call, but I always thought it was weird to come with a gift on a first meet because in reality you don’t know who the gift is for, so it takes away all the significance of it. Especially when you meet someone on a dating app. Many men say that the woman they meet are not the same as portrayed on the app, sometimes they filter their fotos, they weight more, sometimes personalities don’t align when talking in person. So what’s the point in offering flowers to a woman you don’t know? Overcompensating maybe… idk… I liked gestures like that -one guy wo turned out to be a pathological liar -sigh - brought me a biscotti because I'd mentioned I liked a specific type. Another brought me a treat for the same reason. A single rose seems lovely to me. 1 Link to comment
Sindy_0311 Posted May 11 Author Share Posted May 11 1 minute ago, Batya33 said: I liked gestures like that -one guy wo turned out to be a pathological liar -sigh - brought me a biscotti because I'd mentioned I liked a specific type. Another brought me a treat for the same reason. A single rose seems lovely to me. Don’t get me wrong, I like those gestures too, but on a first meet, not really. See that guy, while we were talking about the dating app, he mentioned a girl he met a few weeks ago, connection/attraction seemed great through texts etc, but when they met it didn’t match, they weren’t really connecting. And I’m sure that he went to the first meet with the same rose… so tell me what’s the point outside of trying to make a good impression… Link to comment
Batya33 Posted May 11 Share Posted May 11 Just now, Sindy_0311 said: Don’t get me wrong, I like those gestures too, but on a first meet, not really. See that guy, while we were talking about the dating app, he mentioned a girl he met a few weeks ago, connection/attraction seemed great through texts etc, but when they met it didn’t match, they weren’t really connecting. And I’m sure that he went to the first meet with the same rose… so tell me what’s the point outside of trying to make a good impression… What's wrong with a nice gesture -it's only one rose. Link to comment
kim42 Posted May 11 Share Posted May 11 I admit bringing a gift for the first date would be an overkill for me, especially if I don't know the guy. 1 Link to comment
Sindy_0311 Posted May 11 Author Share Posted May 11 6 minutes ago, Batya33 said: What's wrong with a nice gesture -it's only one rose. It’s not only a rose… it’s a rose you offer to a woman you don’t even know. It’s insignificant and irrelevant 😁 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted May 11 Share Posted May 11 32 minutes ago, Batya33 said: I liked gestures like that -one guy who turned out to be a pathological liar -sigh - brought me a biscotti because I'd mentioned I liked a specific type. Another brought me a treat for the same reason. A single rose seems lovely to me. I think the rose is a lovely gesture as well. Re the other two, I don't think bringing you the biscotti and being a pathological liar were at all related. Not that you were necessarily implying that, you may not have been and simply sharing a story. He was a man who remembered something you mentioned about biscotti and was being thoughtful who ended up being a pathological liar. He would still be the same pathological liar had he not brought you the biscotti. Sometimes I think we read too much into things and attach meaning when there is no meaning other than he's a man being thoughtful and making an effort. Something we hope men would do. This is something I recently learned myself! I mean had he brought a huge bouquet of roses that would have been different! Overkill. But one single? A lovely gesture imo whether you clicked in person or not. Link to comment
Sindy_0311 Posted May 11 Author Share Posted May 11 The biscottis thing is cute, because it shows he listened to what the woman was saying etc… but the rose is such a common gift to a woman that really I don’t get it. Mea-culpa I’m an introvert and gifts always have a significance to me… if a guy offers me a rose without even knowing me, I tend to think that he might be a Casanova… And for the notice: the guys I dated and came with a rose on a first meet were either lovebombers or insecure men… (just my experience though) Link to comment
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