Too soon for him? OR am I overthinking?

[Lea1113]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Becauase again, it more than likely wasn't the "poof" you're imagining. 

Long-term couples rarely experience that kind of break-up (excluding those with some sort of sudden event that changes everything). What is more likely is that things shifted over time and they weren't as close anymore by the time they actually split. There could have been any number of contributing factors, but it was probably an accumulation of problems over time. 

Be careful not to project your own fears and invent a narrative in your head about what their relationship (and break-up) was like. You're fretting over hypotheticals you haven't actually seen evidence of. 

True. Now that you put it this way, you are right. 

As he mentioned, it seemed things were not well for sometime. 

I guess I was thinking more along the lines that maybe they continued to have a friendship and still communicated their day to day things, and issues in their life even as their relationship began to stumble and fall apart. But you are right, that was most likely not the case at all. 

My fear is more will they randomly decide to get back together. Which is still me fretting over a hypothetical situation with no evidence of it happening

[Lea1113]

THANK YOU ALL for the amazing advice & insights!!

I spiraled and got into my head. This is a new situation for me and my thought was maybe this was too soon for him.

I need to work on my insecurities and stop letting the fears & negativities steer this ship. 

There is no evidence and so far, no red flags from him. I need to breathe and calm down.

And overall, I need to just enjoy this moment and see what happens in the end without trying to control or overthink the outcome. 

Thank you again ❤️ 

[catfeeder]

Glad to see that you are self aware enough to recognize your tendency to over-think. Therapists often call this 'poisoning the well'. Why do you think they call it that?

Nobody here can guarantee for you that this relationship is solid, despite that it sounds that way, or that an ex never poses a threat to a new relationship--or that any other attractive person on the planet could never pose a threat. But threats lie in crossing a street, or flying the skies, or attending a theater or schoolroom classes. There are no lacks in problems to obsess over. So you get to choose your focus. If you want to focus on potential threats to your relationship, you can do that--it's not against the law, but what does it buy you?

If you can use the help of someone professionally trained to help you to train your focus away from catastrophes, or otherwise resolving older issues that prompt rumination, you can hire someone. Otherwise, decide the degree to which you're willing to 'lean in' to the relationship despite all real or imagined risks--because every investment has risks.

I wish you jOy!

[DarkCh0c0]

Tbh, don't be so harsh on yourself. I think you have a very valid concern.

And, I agree with @TeeDee. Only time will tell. 

He can say whatever he thinks of the break up, but time will tell if he truly is over it. You will see it in his actions and attention toward you.

So relax. Enjoy the joys of a new relationship. Take him at his word and his consistent actions. You got this. Trust that should things change, you will know how to handle them. You will know how to walk away should there be any creeping red flag.

[Lea1113]

18 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Glad to see that you are self aware enough to recognize your tendency to over-think. Therapists often call this 'poisoning the well'. Why do you think they call it that?

Yes, I am very self aware about my overthinking and all negative thinking tendencies. I have brought them up to him as well and he always has the sweetest reaction and thoughtful responses. We discussed how my overthinking is killing my happiness now. 

 

26 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

If you want to focus on potential threats to your relationship, you can do that--it's not against the law, but what does it buy you?

When you state it like this, it truly buys me nothing. 

Nothing in life is ever guaranteed

27 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

you can hire someone

It is something I am working on, but of course it takes time and my overthinking spirals still pop up. But I am learning tricks as to help better manage it all

 

27 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I wish you jOy!

THANK YOU! I wish you joy as well!

[Lea1113]

19 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Tbh, don't be so harsh on yourself. I think you have a very valid concern.

And, I agree with @TeeDee. Only time will tell. 

He can say whatever he thinks of the break up, but time will tell if he truly is over it. You will see it in his actions and attention toward you.

So relax. Enjoy the joys of a new relationship. Take him at his word and his consistent actions. You got this. Trust that should things change, you will know how to handle them. You will know how to walk away should there be any creeping red flag.

Yes, time will tell everything! I think I just needed this reminder and help to come out of my spiralling thoughts.

I do need to enjoy the joys of a new relationship as its all very exciting! And so far, his actions and words have not faltered. But again, time will tell!

Thank you! 🙂 

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, Lea1113 said:

Yes, I am very self aware about my overthinking and all negative thinking tendencies. I have brought them up to him as well and he always has the sweetest reaction and thoughtful responses. We discussed how my overthinking is killing my happiness now. 

Be careful not to keep harping on this. At some point he could get tired of reassuring you. He also might start wondering what exactly he has to do to get you to trust that he's not lying to you or concealing anything from you. He might wonder why you persist in believing he still loves his ex and will drop you in an instant to be back with her. It gets really old when someone refuses to believe you're being truthful with them. 

So learn to self-soothe. Or you may end up bringing about the very thing you're fearing. 

Remember what I said about manifesting bad things? Don't do that. 

[Lea1113]

41 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

At some point he could get tired of reassuring you

I think about this often as well. And that is why I posted her seeking some advice.

I should also clarify I do not only overthink about these things regarding his ex or that I only share these thoughts with him. But I have shared a few of my thoughts about life. And overall he has always been great with his words and actions. 

BUT, I do not want to keep bringing up his past relationship and need so much reassurance about that or about my other insecurities. 

 

41 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So learn to self-soothe. Or you may end up bringing about the very thing you're fearing.

I do need to learn to do that more often and to stop living in the future. 

I deserve everything good to happen to me and I need to stop doubting this.

41 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Remember what I said about manifesting bad things? Don't do that. 

YUP, I remember! Thank you again for your advice!

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, Lea1113 said:

I just got into my head these last few days about everything.

I read an article awhile back about how women (more so than men) actually look for reasons to "disqualify" (reject) men very early on for one reason or another.

I recently did that myself (see my own thread), I looked (subconsciously) for a reason to reject a man and I found it!  I initially thought it was because of how he was dressed on our first meet, but after introspection and talking it through here, I realized it was my own fear/anxiety and my own biases.

As such, I reconsidered and gave it another shot!  And we are now dating and I am feeling really good about it.🙂 

Reading your initial post, all this talk about his ex wife, his child, etc is just an excuse masking the real issue - your own fear and anxiety re beginning a new relationship with a new man you really like.  And not being able to truly let go of your past.

If he had never been married with NO children and no ex in the picture, my guess would be you'd find another reason/excuse to reconsider moving forward with him.  

Why?

Because IF you were feeling really good about it, about him and about embarking on a new relationship, I doubt these issues would concern you as much.

I was told the same thing by a poster here on my thread and I believe it to be true!

Just something to consider that's all...  it's not uncommon.

 

   

 

 

[lostandhurt]

The reason this is swirling around in your head is because this is special and you can feel that.  The more important something/someone is to us the more we fear losing them/it.  If it was just okay then it would not be hitting you this hard.  Perfectly normal to feel this way but do not let it control you.

 I am not sure why you are terrified of falling in love and being hurt.  You have in the past and here you are wiser and willing to take that leap once again.  A broken heart heals and is not fatal but regrets can haunt us a lifetime.

 How about you do a reset on yourself and just look at this for what it is.  A great guy you are crazy about that seems to be crazy about you.  Let nature take its course with any fears safely tucked away.

 Look how far you have come from Stinky McStinky to Mr Wonderful.  Well done!!!

Lost

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Be careful not to keep harping on this. At some point he could get tired of reassuring you. He also might start wondering what exactly he has to do to get you to trust that he's not lying to you or concealing anything from you. He might wonder why you persist in believing he still loves his ex and will drop you in an instant to be back with her. It gets really old when someone refuses to believe you're being truthful with them. 

So learn to self-soothe. Or you may end up bringing about the very thing you're fearing. 

Remember what I said about manifesting bad things? Don't do that. 

I had the same reaction.  It's not his job to reassure you.  I ended a short term relationship because of this issue -he was so insecure/needing reassurance, raising "issues" that were manufactured by him - such a good person, attractive -and he apologized and said he was working on it in therapy- so it was better for a week or so then back to the same nonsense.  We were not yet exclusive and he kept looking for reasons not to trust me.  No thanks.

[yogacat]

3 hours ago, Lea1113 said:

I have that green monster of insecurity. You are right! I do need to remind myself that I am not competing and I am unique. Thank you for that statement.

I think I spiraled and just needed some advice. It is all new territory for me but not a dealbreaker. 

I do need to keep taking the time to see if we continue to be compatible and if any red flags appear. So far no red flags or icks. And he shows me that he a genuine, attentive, and caring. 

You're good! It happens when we really start to like someone. I think it requires 2 things. Trust, and accepting that we might get hurt. That sounds sad but once we accept that, the other person's word is enough. It's magical moment cos now we start being vulnerable for real.

We no longer edit, we answer questions honestly, we be honest about our boundaries, and preferences. We start taking chances and taking that risk because we accepted that we like them, and if it works out it's worth it, and if not you learnt a lesson. It's takes the stress off when we accept the outcome before hand, because we not working for a certain outcome but just being. 

But, definitely no sign of deal breakers.🤩

I hope things go well for you!!!

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, Lea1113 said:

I do not want to keep bringing up his past relationship and need so much reassurance about that or about my other insecurities. 

You don't 'need' the reassurances, but you've sought them and have been rewarded for that. So you'll need to figure out how to stop fishing in that pond before you over-fish it dry.

If you believe that your self-talk is within your control, then you can do this. In that case, it's a habit you can shift by changing the critical voice you use in your head to one of an inspiring coach. I worked with a coach on my job who taught my team that 21 days is the length of time it takes the brain to form new synapse patterns to replace a habit. Consistently 'catching' and replacing my initial thoughts really worked, and the results were life changing. I only wish that I had learned to do this earlier in my life.

However, if you've been drilling into rumination, and you find yourself spiraling into obsessive thinking beyond your control, it might be a comfort to consider that there are people professionally trained in this stuff and can work with you. One low cost source of this help can be a university that offers PhD and PsyD programs. You can book sessions to work with their doctoral candidates who are supervised by practitioners in the field.

It's your call, and I wish you the best. Head high, and write more if it helps.

[Lea1113]

I did go and find your thread as I was curious. But I think I will go find the comment that you mentioned another poster added that made you realize this. 

I never looked at me picking about his ex-gf, or being nervous about his child and so one, was potentially me just making an "excuse" because of my own fears. 

It is something I never considered but now that you bring it up, it is making me think.

16 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

your own fear and anxiety re beginning a new relationship with a new man you really like.  And not being able to truly let go of your past.

Truthfully, I really like him. And I honestly have not liked someone in this way for many years. The last time I liked someone to this extent was an ex. So, that is the past playing into this all. I am obviously over the ex, but it is the hurt that lingers. And the fear to get broken again.

But a few posters mentioned something along the lines of dating is a risk, and we never know the outcome. 

However, I am scared of the outcome. So as I am typing and thinking about what you said, I think I am doing this. I am scared to start a new relationship. I am scared to get hurt. I have so much anxiety over it because I keep letting past voices in my head. 

So I am here, picking at random things that yes, I am allowed to have concerns about but his actions have not led me to not believe him. Everything he tells me, has been honest and truthful. But I have been lied to in the past so here I am picking at his ex because I think he is lying because this is my past speaking. And I am trying to find that small sliver that makes me think, okay end it before he hurts me. 

Sorry, I am now processing what you said and it is all making sense.

16 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Just something to consider that's all...  it's not uncommon.

I am definitely considering it all now. I do feel good with him and embarking on a new relationship. But I am terrified. 

So much to process and think about now. Thank you so much for the insight and making me think in this way!

I hope everything works out for you and I am happy you gave him a second chance!

[Lea1113]

16 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

The reason this is swirling around in your head is because this is special and you can feel that.

To be honest this small sentence made me get emotional. Because I can feel it. 

It is his birthday soon, and I got him a card and I was thinking what to write as the message and I started to cry thinking how much I care about him. I have not felt these emotions or feelings for such a LONG time. 

16 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

I am not sure why you are terrified of falling in love and being hurt.  You have in the past and here you are wiser and willing to take that leap once again.  A broken heart heals and is not fatal but regrets can haunt us a lifetime.

I think as you mention about the fear of losing someone or something that you truly care about, that is why I am terrified of falling in love again. I do not want to fall because I do not want to get hurt. 

I know this is part of dating. That you take chances, trust and build something with someone. And your heart might get broken. OR it can be a beautiful love story. We never know.

However, since I was hurt, I have put a guard up and it terrifies me to let that guard down. 

I know I should not let my fear of losing him control my mind because I do not want to live with the regret for a lifetime of what if I took a chance and fell?

16 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

How about you do a reset on yourself and just look at this for what it is.  A great guy you are crazy about that seems to be crazy about you.  Let nature take its course with any fears safely tucked away

I need to do this. I need to reset, calm down, and let nature do its thing. I am very crazy about him and it feels so weird to say since its only been 4 months.

 

16 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

 Look how far you have come from Stinky McStinky to Mr Wonderful.  Well done!!!

HAHAHA Stinky McStinky! Perfect! Thank you so much. I learned so much from that whole situation.

 

Thank you for your comment!! 🙂 

[Lea1113]

16 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I had the same reaction.  It's not his job to reassure you.  I ended a short term relationship because of this issue -he was so insecure/needing reassurance, raising "issues" that were manufactured by him - such a good person, attractive -and he apologized and said he was working on it in therapy- so it was better for a week or so then back to the same nonsense.  We were not yet exclusive and he kept looking for reasons not to trust me.  No thanks.

I can understand it can be exhausting and something I need to really think about. I do not want to always need the reassurance or to always create these issues.

I do not want to create or further create this into him getting tired of it and walking away. 

[Lea1113]

16 hours ago, yogacat said:

That sounds sad but once we accept that, the other person's word is enough. It's magical moment cos now we start being vulnerable for real.

16 hours ago, yogacat said:

It's takes the stress off when we accept the outcome before hand, because we not working for a certain outcome but just being. 

These two statements stuck out to me. I need to accept that I can get hurt. I can not control the outcome of this. I think I have not accepted that maybe I will get hurt in the end. 

I am in my head so much thinking how I can make this good so he doesn't want to leave me. But that is me trying to control the outcome to not get hurt. OR I am looking for a reason to leave. 

I am trying to safeguard myself as to not get hurt.

So I like what you said about needing to accept that it very well could happen. But once I accept it, my stress will be less. 

16 hours ago, yogacat said:

I hope things go well for you!!!

THANK YOU!!! I will post an update one day, hopefully with great news! 🙂 

[Lea1113]

8 hours ago, catfeeder said:

So you'll need to figure out how to stop fishing in that pond before you over-fish it dry.

100% you are right. Even the most patient person will get tired of the constant reassuring and will eventually stop biting. 

 

8 hours ago, catfeeder said:

If you believe that your self-talk is within your control, then you can do this. In that case, it's a habit you can shift by changing the critical voice you use in your head to one of an inspiring coach. I worked with a coach on my job who taught my team that 21 days is the length of time it takes the brain to form new synapse patterns to replace a habit. Consistently 'catching' and replacing my initial thoughts really worked, and the results were life changing. I only wish that I had learned to do this earlier in my life.

Thank you for this advice. I am something able to catch myself and replace my thoughts. For example, it it not part of this talk, but I can have really bad self-talk where I call myself down. And lately I have been getting better with the stopping/catching those thoughts and replacing them with positives about myself.

IT is still a work in progress. And something I am working on with a counsellor. So thank you for the recommendations, I do appreciate that! But it is something I am working on, and I have seen improvement in my thinking or spiralling in obsessive thinking over these past few months. 

However I still hit those low stops where I can not pull myself out.

8 hours ago, catfeeder said:

It's your call, and I wish you the best. Head high, and write more if it helps.

Thank you again! I did find writing here to be very helpful and insightful. What a great group of people here! 🙂 

[Batya33]

44 minutes ago, Lea1113 said:

I can understand it can be exhausting and something I need to really think about. I do not want to always need the reassurance or to always create these issues.

I do not want to create or further create this into him getting tired of it and walking away. 

You feel what you feel -just don't burden him with having to reassure you.  Separately, in time, hopefully you will feel less needy too.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Lea1113 said:

... I am something able to catch myself and replace my thoughts. For example, it it not part of this talk, but I can have really bad self-talk where I call myself down. And lately I have been getting better with the stopping/catching those thoughts and replacing them with positives about myself.

Terrific! Every time you can pull this off, it feels like a win, which builds more confidence. Then you carry that confidence into the next situation, which can curb the initial negativity. And when it doesn't, you also have the confidence to shift rather than allow the negativity to always rule your outcomes.

So it's like an upward spiral.

This is not about inserting 'false' positivity, it's just making the room to challenge the 'default' negativity. When your knee jerk is always to drill into the most catastrophic outcomes, you squelch your own potential for joy. But if you can squelch the insta-negativity instead, just long enough to credit yourself with the resilience to handle unknowns as you encounter them, then you're not building anything false, you are building your own resilience.

Quote

IT is still a work in progress. And something I am working on with a counsellor. So thank you for the recommendations, I do appreciate that! But it is something I am working on, and I have seen improvement in my thinking or spiralling in obsessive thinking over these past few months. 

However I still hit those low stops where I can not pull myself out.

I hear, and I'm glad you're working with someone who can support you in this goal. Holding yourself accountable to one who is on your side can make all the difference. You have someone to confide in whenever you do spiral, which in itself is a mental safety-net to catch the spiral. You'll need to use the rational part of your brain to narrate how you will describe this experience to someone else. THAT pulls your rational thinking into your emotional thinking, which taps a completely different part of your brain. 

During spirals you can ask yourself the kinds of questions your counselor might ask. This forces you to reach for rational thinking ABOVE the emotional thinking as you try to answer those questions.

You're right, it's a learning process, and perfection can't be the goal. Our best learning comes from our most challenging experiences, and what can be a better challenge than to learn how to allow yourself to enjoy love rather than fear it?