Feel lost

[Vanessa43223]

30, F. So, an online friend I've been talking to for two years said this morning that it's not likely he'll travel to the other side of the world to meet up. He was exactly my type and now I don't know what to do. I honestly feel a little heartbroken but also not surprised.

We've been talking just over two years. I live in the UK and I'm also ace. I've been single since my boyfriend died suddenly over a decade ago. I've always only ever been attracted to what are known as stereotypical nerds, especially if they're very fat. I guess if you saw me you'd say I'm a stereotypical nerd woman, but I'm skinny. They just seem adorable to me and like they'd give amazing warm hugs, since I'm skinny. I met this guy on Reddit who was quite literally my dream guy - horn rimmed glasses, cleanshaven, passionate about action figures, studying computer science at university, a really chill guy who'd listen, and he weighed 350 pounds. He even had a cute little nerdy lisp whenever he talked. He was easily the most adorable guy I've ever seen. He contacted me first, but he lived in California. We initially talked for a few weeks over Reddit chat before moving to Discord. He showed a lot of interest in me at first, but I feel like over time both of us kind of realised we're too far and I can't fly due to a medical condition.

Today I asked him if meeting up was possible but he said it's not likely since it's so far. It kind of cemented what I already suspected but it still painful and I don't know what to do. He contacted me when I was going through hell physically and felt lost. He got me through hard times but now I sorta feel lost again. We're still friends, of course, but knowing I'll never meet him in real life makes me feel empty. It also makes me feel sad for him, too, since he said he's lonely and in one of his Reddit posts a few days before he messaged me for the very first time he said he feels like giving up, that he hates the way his face looks, and said he felt like no woman would ever love him. But from his perspective, he meets someone who does love him and everything about the way he looks, and she's too far away. 

I'd have dreams about him a lot, such as lying on his belly in bed, and feeling his warmth. Buying him his favourite action figures just so I can see him be happy and feel loved. Doing anything to make him happy and excited. Keeping us in company with each other.

I initially thought he was ghosting me a while back, but it turned out he was getting depressed and burned out due to work, because of an inconsiderate boss who was making him work from 5 AM till 1:30 PM almost every day, and when he voiced his concerns to his boss he just ignored him. So he's been too tired to even talk most of the time the past few months.

I feel like my type is much too specific and I'll never see a guy like that again. I'm not into people who call themselves nerds but only like Star Wars or something. For me it's the whole package. He was the only guy I knew besides my dead boyfriend who said I looked pretty. I was mostly bedbound for years up until August last year because of a heart condition I was also only recently diagnosed with. I've became a lot more reserved and introverted as a result of that and spend most of my time online.

[Batya33]

I hope you feel better and maybe this will motivate you now that you're more mobile to get out there and meet people in person whether or not they are your specific physical type?

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Vanessa43223 said:

.Today I asked him if meeting up was possible but he said it's not likely since it's so far. It kind of cemented what I already suspected but it still painful and I don't know what to do. He contacted me when I was going through hell physically and felt lost. He got me through hard times but now I sorta feel lost again. We're still friends, of course, but knowing I'll never meet him in real life makes me feel empty.  

Sorry this is happening. Hopefully you're taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health. Unfortunately he seems like a friend who just was there to lean on and that was helpful for a while, but you can't depend on him rescuing you from your day-to-day issues. Please consider support groups and therapy for coping. Is this the same man?

 

[Vanessa43223]

Yes, it's the same man. It just turned out he was depressed and busy with work but didn't want to tell me. 

[Vanessa43223]

I haven't explicitly said "I love you" but I've given hints, telling him how cute he looks whenever he posts a picture of himself, using "x"s at the end of sentences sometimes, heart emojis when saying goodnight, hugging GIFs etc. The conversation where I asked him about meeting up was around 2:30 PM UK time. It's past 7 PM here now and he's at work.

Shortly after he first messaged me on Reddit he kept praising me over and over, saying he'd love to carry me over his shoulder and even posted selfies of himself posed in a way that it was like he was carrying me over his shoulder and he said "imagine you're on my shoulder" and he also sent selfies where he's hugging someone invisible, and he said "imagine you're in my arms"
 

[yogacat]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. That must have been extremely difficult for you. So, sometimes we slip into these 400 not known little holes, don't we?

Yeah, it must have been the best moment that he grabbed you on reddit at the right moment you needed it most and also, typing for years and never meeting up is different than actually meeting, isnt it? When you live so far apart, it's more difficult.

You asked him to meet and he said no. So, now you found out what you wanted to know. Look, people meet over the internet today, but you still don't have to tell each other everything and you can keep a bit of that 'mystery', whatever that may be. Don't tell every single little thing about yourself because then it's all out on the table. If you want to keep talking to him, keep talking to him.

Do you see the disconnect? He's saying that he has no interest in meeting because of the distance. Full stop. He did not break off all contact and is still your friend. You may be online friends for ever, but you have to accept, too, that that is a reality.

He's okay with giving you flowery words and hints, but that is in cyberspace. 

Maybe you can find what you want locally.

You can stay in touch, right?

[Vanessa43223]

44 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. That must have been extremely difficult for you. So, sometimes we slip into these 400 not known little holes, don't we?

Yeah, it must have been the best moment that he grabbed you on reddit at the right moment you needed it most and also, typing for years and never meeting up is different than actually meeting, isnt it? When you live so far apart, it's more difficult.

You asked him to meet and he said no. So, now you found out what you wanted to know. Look, people meet over the internet today, but you still don't have to tell each other everything and you can keep a bit of that 'mystery', whatever that may be. Don't tell every single little thing about yourself because then it's all out on the table. If you want to keep talking to him, keep talking to him.

Do you see the disconnect? He's saying that he has no interest in meeting because of the distance. Full stop. He did not break off all contact and is still your friend. You may be online friends for ever, but you have to accept, too, that that is a reality.

He's okay with giving you flowery words and hints, but that is in cyberspace. 

Maybe you can find what you want locally.

You can stay in touch, right?

Yeah, we're still friends, I have Discord open right now and I still have him on my friends list. I guess it's just that I longed for something more than just friendship, even though friendship is still good too. 

[Andrina]

3 hours ago, Vanessa43223 said:

I feel like my type is much too specific and I'll never see a guy like that again. I'm not into people who call themselves nerds but only like Star Wars or something.

It's like you sabotage yourself with this negative self-talk. I'm guessing you're convincing yourself of this so you can stay holed up and wallow, which is safer than getting out into the world and being vulnerable to meeting men in 3D.

Most people do have preferences for personality traits and physical attributes they like, but to think that nobody in your town and surrounding towns will attract you in the least is a ridiculous notion.

How about joining some Meetup.com groups, and do some volunteer work. Who knows? One day you might meet someone who didn't meet every little detail of your wish list and you will be pleasantly surprised. Being open to this instead of closed off in what you think is a safe bubble is in your best interest. As you can see, "safe bubbles" are really fantasies that end in people leading lonely lives.

[yogacat]

3 hours ago, Vanessa43223 said:

met this guy on Reddit who was quite literally my dream guy - horn rimmed glasses, cleanshaven, passionate about action figures, studying computer science at university, a really chill guy who'd listen, and he weighed 350 pounds. He even had a cute little nerdy lisp whenever he talked.

I've never had a type...

Well, maybe, my best female cousin said I tended to go for 'pretty boy' types. But you're so zoned in on 1 type of guy you're missing out on 1,000's of other guys. He is definitely out there. It's not all about looks. I have mixed raced eyes and I get lost in someones eyes.

It's like we are Amish minds in a way.

You'll be fine.

[LootieTootie]

8 hours ago, Vanessa43223 said:

.... because of an inconsiderate boss who was making him work from 5 AM till 1:30 PM almost every day, and when he voiced his concerns to his boss he just ignored him. So he's been too tired to even talk most of the time the past few months.

Pretty sure that is a standard 8 hour shift 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Pretty sure that is a standard 8 hour shift 

I was going to say the same thing. This is pretty normal in the work world, OP. 

Anyway, the problem here is not actually this man being a dead-end, romantically. The real problem is that you have isolated yourself to the point of having little meaningful contact with others, and it's led you to attach yourself to an online fantasy. 

In truth, this was always very unlikely to go anywhere. You live on different continents and neither of you appears to have the means to travel internationally much. Your loneliness and craving for contact distracted you from the reality of this situation, but it's a reality that can't be overlooked anymore. 

I would work on addressing what you can do to get out of your home more, and starting forming better connections locally. 

12 hours ago, Vanessa43223 said:

I've been single since my boyfriend died suddenly over a decade ago

I am sorry for this loss, too. I also lost an ex suddenly (many years ago now), so I relate to the feeling. I also understand how hard it can be to starting dating again but it is crucial that we don't let our grief and despair hold us back to this extent. Have you had help in processing this loss? 

[SaiKiiAdou]

Have you tried dungeons & dragons / other ttrpgs? 

Around 50% of guys that I play with would prob be your type. Additionally it is a fun hobby that gets you out of the house (if you can play local) and gets you in contact with a divers group of people.

[catfeeder]

12 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

...The real problem is that you have isolated yourself to the point of having little meaningful contact with others, and it's led you to attach yourself to an online fantasy. 

Yes, and some experts believe that 'breaking up' with a fantasy can be equally as difficult as losing an in-person lover, because all of your past experiences and hurts and expectations were rolled up into this fantastic fantasy--so dis-illusion-ment hits hard. 

Deciding that nobody else in the whole world could possibly satisfy you is sabotage that you can also decide is temporary. Of course, nobody can compete with a fantasy. That's why we have them. We get to imbue the fantasy with everything we could possibly want, and it's taken 2 years for you to grasp that this particular object of your fantasy will no longer cooperate with your story line. He's not going to get on a plane after all.

So I'd invest in separating myself from this guy rather than trying to remain in touch with him, because you'll never get any wasted time back to re-live over again. But you still have the rest of your life to invest in healing and growing into new exploration. Use your Internet skills to find groups and interests local enough to participate, set up dating profiles that outline all of your interests and screen local people to set up quick meets over coffee. Move your focus onto things that you CAN do, and give yourself time for natural grief without declaring that you'll feel this way 'forever.' Instead, decide that this is temporary, and make it a goal to train yourself into thinking and believing in ways that inspire you.

Head high, and write more if it helps.