Advice Needed: Violence

[WaywardKiwi]

Hey everyone,

I'm feeling a bit sensitive right now, so gently gently please (as far as that goes).

I'm going to omit a lot of details because it's a long story and ultimately, I think the crux of the issue is not specific to the details of this incident. 

Basically, I am married with a 16m year old daughter. I live in Japan with my wife and her mother in a house we built together. Over the last three days, we have been on a family trip with her two siblings and their families. Overall it was a lot of fun, but stressful organizing everyone. 

This afternoon we went to a park around midday. My daughter needed to eat as she was getting more and more grumpy. Everyone was f**ing around making a plan, which is something of a theme on these trips. My wife was stressed out by this, as was I. i was not sensitive to her and said something that was out of line. Like many couples we have some issues, and I can be an AH. Especially if I feel I am not being included in the decision making. There are also language barrier issues. I take full responsIbility for this, and have apologiaed and will contInue to work on it. 

Anyway, my wife lost it and became violent. she kicked the pushchair (I was holding my daughter) and then a post and sign. Her sister had to intervene to restrain and calm her. Again, I empathise with my wifes feelings and frustration. This is also the first time she has become violent. However, it was upsetting and, in my opInion, too violent. My daughter did not really notice as I turned her away and distracted her.

I took my daughter and her food and fed her away from everyone. My wifes family all comforted my wife, understandably. We then moved on to the activity we had planned. My wife apologised, as did I, however when I said that definitely can't happen she started to become very angry again so I left. I rejoined again after sometime and just didnt say anything. 

I believe my wifes family believes violence is an acceptable expression in some circumstances, especially from women. On a previous occaision her sister attacked her husband when arguing at thier house while we were staying. She left in the middle of the night afterward. They have some issuea, but the violence never seemed to be considered a big problem. My wife has also told me thier mother was violent during a period of their childhood. This was told to me before my daughter was born. 

I never thought my wife would act this way, and I am very concerned. I have a zero tolerance for violence in my marriage and even more so toward my daughter. What concerned me the most, is after we rejoined my wife hugged my daughter and asked if she was hurt, we made me think she didnt know if she had Injured her in her rage. She was fine, but obviously I was freaked out by this. I was also concerned that if she did this in public to property the police could be involved and cause issues for my daughter.

I am really worried about what to do. I know I contributed to my wifes stress, and I do generally day to day (on and off, I hope overall I make her life better but I am worried). My wife and her family are good for my daughter, my family is very insecure and basically poor and overseas, so I want my daughter to have support. But I also can't risk my daughters safety. Essentially I am all over the place, and have been for last 5 hours while drivIng back home. I left for a walk and havr contacted my support network, but they are overseas and not readily available. 

So yeah, just looking for input and thoughts from outside to help me organise my thoughts. 
 

[WaywardKiwi]

I want to add, my wife is an Incredible mother, and my mother-in-law is wonderful with my daughter. I am also a very involved dad, but I do work fulltime and sometime long hours.

I don't have immediate concerns for her safety. But this is a big issue for me. 

[MissCanuck]

I am sorry this happened, OP. 

You are right to be very worried about this sudden violent outburst. It seems this has been normalized in her family to a degree, which is disturbing in and of itself. 

I realize you live in Japan so there might be different attitudes towards this, but is therapy an option for your wife? Something is very wrong if she is lashing out like this. She also needs an evaluation from her physician to see if there are signs of underlying mental health issues. 

25 minutes ago, WaywardKiwi said:

Like many couples we have some issues, and I can be an AH.

Can you elaborate here? How does your AH-ness present itself? 

[WaywardKiwi]

Thank you for your input MissCanuck.

Unfortunately, Japan generally has poor mental health services (although they are improving). We discussed therapy for her sister and husband in the past following the aforementioned incident, but they didn't follow through (and again, it wasn't really around the issue of violence). I also am nervous to talk directly with my wife about this. We have really good open communication normally, but this just feels different. 

As to my AH behaviour, I think primarily passive aggressive comments and generally unfriendly demeanour is my go to. Today I did actually say directly that I was pissed off in an aggressive way (everyone is just f**ing around and nothing is happening.) No excuses, I really want to be better and not take my frustrations out on my wife in this way. It's totally not fair. But again, her reaction was just over a red line for me.

I think the hardest part for me is just suddenly having to consider that when it never crossed my mind before. Like, if she ever did assault me or my daughter, I would not be able to stay and what that would mean is devastating to me... 

I know she deeply regrets it, we just spoke again briefly although I said I want some more time to process because I want the discussion to be as clean as possible. I still just feel that it's a much bigger issue for me and that's hard to express. 

Thank you again for your input.

[itsallgrand]

I'm very sorry this happened. Your head and heart must be reeling. It's not your fault! Yes, you were snippy. Still not your fault! For most people, acting out violently isn't even an option in their head. And you thought your wife was one of these people. And then to see first hand it is an option for her, that would be very disorientating.

You take all the time you need to process. And this will be an ongoing issue that needs more than an apology from her, it needs action. Over time. If you decide you are giving her another chance, she has to earn back your trust and show with action she understands how serious it is. 

I find the family reaction really disturbing. Seems as you said, they have normalized violence from women. And that they consoled her - what? No one stood up to tell her what she was doing was wrong? No one consoled you? It seems so wrong to me. And another thing you need to consider going forward. It's not only a her thing, it's a family issue. This is being modeled for your daughter.

Gather your people. Don't go it alone. Hope they get back to you soon. Again, no rush, your wife needs to show understanding that you need time to process. If she doesn't respect that, the issue is even bigger and will require quick action on your part.

Write as much as you need or want to figure this out. 

Something that stuck with me from growing up, my mom and dad always repeated to us kids that if someone so much as raised a hand at us when we got into relationships, you leave and don't look back. It's abusive to lash out, it doesn't have to be directly aimed at you. It's a taste of what's to come and the person's sense of right and wrong. I still feel that way to this day. I'm not telling you what to do, but see if you agree and what would you want for your daughter as she grows up. What would you tell her. 

 

[WaywardKiwi]

Thank you it's all grand. Your comment really means a lot, as I have so much cognitive dissonance around it. I think the world of my wife, she is such an amazing woman. But my instinct around family violence and protecting my daughter is also so visceral. And as you say, it's not just protecting her now, but protecting her from growing up believing that violence is part of loving family relationships. 

I hope that my wife will understand and agree. I just have to find the right way to approach the topic in a non-accusatory way. She has a very strong relationship with her family, and while I also love them, in this regard we will not accept it. It's a deal-breaker, and I think I am just scared because it's the first time I am not sure going in that we are on the same page (especially since I maybe assumed we were until today). 

But again, I appreciate the support and fortunately a good friend has got in touch and I will talk with him tomorrow. He knows us both, so I am hopeful that he can offer good insight. 

[Coily]

To be frank whether you were a AH or not, is irrelevant when violence is involved. Full Stop.

You need to ask yourself if that is the kind of environment you want you daughter raised in. I assume not, so you need to take steps to get your wife and MIL in the know about this being unacceptable behavior. Now couching that in terms that are palatable will take a lot of time, but it's time you need to take.

The mental hurdle you need to overcome is feeling any guilt for causing this outburst from your wife. It's not she got upset and cried, she went into a blind violent rage. If her siblings hadn't been around to calm her down and you to retreat with your daughter, what could have happened?

I don't want to vilify your wife in this one outburst, maybe this will be the only moment of such rage. But your daughter's future is on the line.

[Kwothe28]

I am sure you are aware of this, but Japanese culture is way different than average Western one. What may be considered normal in one isnt in other, and vice versa. Including stuff like education and how different genders behave. For example, Eastern cultures are known for being way stricter parents then Western one. Which would include even physical violence when kid misbehaves. You are in education field as I remember so I probably dont have to tell you that. Point is, your wife, her mother, the culture you are raising your child, are like that. And you as a Westerner accepted to raise your child in that culture.

That being said, that doesnt mean you have to accept your wife being abusive. Which what she did most definitely is. Even you accepting that part as something "you take full responsibility" and apologizing, is a part of that cycle of abuse. "Down to a T" to you being isolated and with poor family background probably going into not so poor family in Japan. That cycle of abuse wont stop. As you can see, her family actually supported her as an abuser. They arent interested in changing their way and their culture because of you. You cant expect that to change. So, I am sorry, but you are in abuse cycle. Which you need to get away, at least by divorcing. Which probably wont be easy since you are isolated and even if you do divorce, your infant daughter still would be raised by her mostly, and not by you. 

[smackie9]

I would suggest her getting a full physical as you mentioned this is new behavior. There could be a medical issue like a brain tumor, allergy, a drop in hormones, chemical imbalance, early Alzheimers, unknown to you a drug issue, exposure to a chemical or mold, baby blues/depression. It's best to rule these things out before going forward with a phycologist.  

 

[LootieTootie]

You really should talk to your wife now that the dust has settled. Ask her, if she thought this was okay? She has a childhood where her mom physically assaulted her dad, and a sister who does the same now. There's a pattern here. 

Ignoring it would just be foolish.

[itsallgrand]

I hope today was a little bit better for you than the one before. You will get through this.