Time to separate/divorce, or not?

[Robbie2030]

My wife and I have been married over 10 years. We are facing a difficult decision about whether to move house to get our child (who has learning differences) into our preferred school. If we do it will mean selling a home we have recently renovated and probably renting somewhere a lot less nice for a while before buying a new place.

This is against a backdrop of our relationship being in bad shape. We argue a lot (and have done for a while as per my earlier posts about in-laws, but that is not the only issue). We just don’t seem to be able to communicate and cooperate. I feel like she is always judging, attacking and criticising me, she feels like she’s not and I’m being defensive and not hearing her and not empathising with her situation. She says I am gaslighting her when I tell her I feel attacked and criticised. We have seen a therapist for a while but it didn’t really help and we stopped. We’ve not had sex for well over a year (which honestly I am quite resentful about), we sleep separately and every argument now seems to turn into an angry and circular battle ending in a discussion of divorce. She is more in favour of it than me, I still feel that it’s worth staying together for the kids if not for ourselves. We have 2 kids under 10 that we adore and want to do the best for. But that said I’m aware that we won’t live forever and we both deserve to be happy. We do still care for each other and want each other to be happy.

We are wondering whether we should sell the house and rent, with a view to buying a new one together, or if she should keep the nice house that the kids love and I should just move out and rent an apartment in the school catchment and then we share custody of the kids and start getting a divorce.

The other option is to move to where her parents live which also has a good school. I feel like maybe she would be happier there and it might improve our marriage. But it’s a big move overseas and I know it will be a one way ticket for her and the kids and it’s quite likely we will still end up divorcing over there. 

Any suggestions?

[TeeDee]

Nobody can answer this for you.  It's too personal. That said, staying together "for the kids" rarely works out well for anyone.  

Make a pros & cons list.  See what looking at it on paper shows you.  

[ShySoul]

Staying together "for the kids" is generally just as damaging as not being together. Take that from someone who's parents argued and had problems for years. I don't think it was a coincidence that the summer after my first year of college was when they decided to get a divorce. My mother stayed long enough to see her last son into adulthood and start to spread his wings, then decided she couldn't stay in a marriage she wasn't happy in. But I could always tell neither of my parents were really happy. I heard the fights. I could sense their moods and feelings. Even if you think you are being careful to shield them, children are perceptive and can pick up on things. If they weren't able to fix the problems, I would have much preferred my parents to split long before they did. It could have saved everyone years of anger, fustration, and heartache.

What to do will ultimately be a personal decision based upon what would do the most good for the majority of the family. Based on what you've said, I would lean to moving near her parents. Keeping with the children being the highest priority, it would provide a better educational opportunity for them. As you said, it may do your wife some good to have the love and support of family near by. It could help relieve her of some stress and may give the two of you a chance to start over and really work on things. But even if you can't salvage the marriage, having those other things will still be beneficial in the long term. 

[smackie9]

I say do a trial separation for one year and see how you both feel. IMO it's better to separate for the kids sake, because what kid wants to live in a hostile household with angry disagreeing parents. That's no way to live. You are teaching your kids it's normal relationship behavior to be fighting and screaming at each other. That's way worse than separating. 

[Wiseman2]

Please consult an attorney for information, advice and support regarding your options in this case. Especially if you're considering this do-it-yourself style separation with abandoning the marital home and other poor decisions that could backfire. 

[catfeeder]

21 hours ago, Robbie2030 said:

We are wondering whether we should sell the house and rent, with a view to buying a new one together, or if she should keep the nice house that the kids love and I should just move out and rent an apartment in the school catchment and then we share custody of the kids and start getting a divorce.

I would do this, but not without getting legal advice of your own, and also without the 'start getting a divorce' part.

In the spirit of team-work to get the child into the right program, you can both learn what life is like without living together. You can date one another. You can explore whether there's anything salvageable in your relationship over time. If so, you can both shop for a nice house in the area and move in together. If not, you can work together to make a planned split.

[Blah333]

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