Just dwelling on things

[Nona123456]

This may sound silly but I found comfort on this forum that u can just spill my feelings into and this is more of a rant to get my feelings out there. I recently broke up with my boyfriend and I know there’s no point dwelling on what went wrong but I just want to understand. He used to make me feel so special and so supported. He was literally the person I would go to and felt safe and comforted. He was only my second relationship so I don’t have much of a dating history but he’s the first person who made me feel loved and made me feel accepted no matter how much of a life wreck I would be. However a year into the relationship I realised that he wasn’t necessarily who I thought he was. He lied about something very big and it broke my trust. We started living together and I loved our routine. He started going out drinking every single weekend. We are both still young so I know maybe that’s normal but I didn’t necessarily want a boyfriend who I was worried about every single weekend when he go out and by this point I knew he was capable of lying and I was just worried. I didn’t feel like what I had to say mattered or that he considered it and it would get me very irritated and I would become snappy out of frustration. Besides the point, yes we stopped agreeing with each other and communicating. I’m scared that I brought out the worst in him when all I ever wanted to do is uplift him, help him and make our relationship work so if u did bring out the bad side of him then that would really hurt me because I always wanted the best for him. The relationship ended because he cheated. The worst thing is he didn’t even admit to it I found out through naked photos of them on his phone. He also became aggressive and completely lost patience to me, would grab me and call me names. He started caring about everyone else but me. I always wanted to work on our relationship together and help him and he always pushed me away. The reason I’m questioning it is because I don’t understand why a person who used to make me feel so safe and comfortable hurt me so much. I’m blaming myself like what could I have done differently, maybe been less snappy on some days, I’m not sure. I know there’s no point to think about it now it’s over but I really didn’t want him out of my life.

[Batya33]

He sounds like he was more focused on drinking and partying -yes I dated a 20 something who did that weekly for awhile and to me it's not normal especially if it's to excess.You shouldn't have to "work" to prevent disrespectful and mean treatment.  I know people  talk about "working" on a relationship but for the most part that "work" should be working together,

And it will feel like work during challenging times -externally challenging -or when you're both learning about each other and it's awkward to express what you want perhaps -that might feel like work but your "work" was one sided.  He didn't want to meet you even a third of the way much less half way. His priority was getting drunk and partying.  Also maybe you didn't have the same purpose in living together so he started leaving to drink and be with others because perhaps you liked the "like married routine" and he didn't.  Depends also if you talked honestly before about what sharing living space meant.

I know you meant this more as a rant. I hope you feel better and glad you feel comfortable sharing here.

[Coily]

I think the crux of the issue here is that you both changed in many ways. The changes you saw in him, could have equally meant he saw changes in you. Which sadly means there really isn't an answer, or a satisfying one about what happened. He could have gone a fully different direction due to the party scene, or he sought it as a coping mechanism for something else.

The only thing to really dwell on, is making sure you see changes earlier and making decisions based off your experience.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Nona123456 said:

. However a year into the relationship I realised that he wasn’t necessarily who I thought he was. . We started living together and I loved our routine. He started going out drinking every single weekend.  

Sorry this happened. Have you moved out? Please trust your instincts. You didn't turn him into an abuser or party animal.

 Blaming you for the abuse is part of the abuse. You overlooked it because you came from a bad situation. Is this the same man?

 

[Andrina]

Well, many of us have had happy beginnings with a partner that turn bad at some point. It takes a while to get to know all dimensions of a person. During the early stages, sometimes a person is only presenting their best selves, but if that isn't fully genuine, you begin seeing the real person emerge from behind the facade.

5 hours ago, Nona123456 said:

I’m blaming myself like what could I have done differently, maybe been less snappy on some days, I’m not sure

Do you really think anybody has the power to change someone's ethics from being faithful to becoming a cheater? And if he's so stupid as to not know that going out drinking every weekend is toxic when he's in a serious relationship, then good riddance.

It'll take you at least a good 4 months to mourn what once was, so know what you're experiencing is normal. Given time and distance away from him, you will likely see with clearer eyes that nothing you could've done would've changed who he inherently is. If you can learn from this dating experience, it's worth something and should ensure that how you go about dating in the future will improve. Perhaps you will recognize red flags sooner, and not to give second chances for egregious, dealbreaker behavior. Take care.

[smackie9]

It happens....they put on their best behaviour in the beginning, then their bad behaviour starts to surface. There could be any contributing factor as to why he turned out to be a POS BUT the lesson to be learned here is that you shouldn't have to "work" so hard on a relationship, especially in early stages. You should have dumped him at the first sign of trouble and not put up with his shenanigans. There was nothing else you should have done.