What do you think happened between she and I?

[SuluHikaru]

I met this girl online early in the year on Facebook (can't remember how exactly).

From my country, I helped her find a job and accommodation as she was homeless (she was sometimes staying with a friend, sometimes sleeping on the streets). We live in different continents, I Europe, she Asia. Basically, I gave her the equiv of US$25 to get her work/identity documents and gave her tips on where and how to look for work.

After a month of talking, I said I was going to her country in about 6 weeks, but I didn't go to see her specifically, there were friends that I wanted to meet, but I don’t think she knew that.

She got on a bus (at her own expense) that took 4+ hours to get to me, stayed with me in my hotel room for 5 nights, I paid for her all of her expenses, including activities, a couple of souvenirs, some female hygiene products as it was that time of the month for her and she didn’t have much money (she was very open with me about her periods). I also gave her some souvenirs and gifts from my country (nothing expensive). She almost cried because no one had ever been that nice to her. I just gave her a hug and a kiss.

One thing that came up during her story, she said she had asked men for money before when homeless, but the ones that responded wanted nudes in exchange, which she didn't do and would just block these people.  She said when I gave her money, she was dreading that I would be asking her for nudes or similar, which I never did.

We had a souvenir photo and on the last day, she was packing it away, she was saying that she was going to get it framed. She also gave me her little windup music box that plays “you are my sunshine” and she said that was one of the things that makes her happy and she plays it when she is sad, and wanted me to have it as a reminder of her.

At the end of her stay, I gave some money to cover her bus fare and refreshments (she didn't ask). When she got back to her town (4+ hours away) she wrote me a message saying that she was missing me, I said I was missing her too (which I was), and I said I might see her in her town, she didn’t say yes or no, just said that she would be working and there would be nothing for me to do in the meantime (which is true).

Towards the end of her stay, she said she did want to move to my country (we had talked about it a couple of weeks before), and I said we should meet again in 6 months, then if it goes well, it would be a further 6 months before we could start the visa process and she agreed.

As she hadn’t replied to me in over a day, I checked her social media profiles and I see I am blocked on IG and TT and she had stopped replying to my messages on Facebook and removed nearly all the videos of her and I. We took loads of photos and Tiktoks together (she loves TT). We were not friends on FB, as she couldn’t add me due to technical limitations with her phone, only messages.

When I realised something was wrong, I created new social media accounts to see if there were clues. She had posted a TT video on her last night with the lyrics saying “she had given her heart to keep you satisfied”. I think that’s what the lyrics were. Hard to tell. She also posted another video on her TT on our last night, with lyrics saying “she thinks she forgot how to be happy, something she is not, but something she can be, something I wait for”, she looked sad in the video – not sure if that was just for effect.

When I realised that I had been blocked, I scrambled to get a bus to her location. It took a solid 5 hours to get there due to traffic.

When I said I was on the bus to see her, she messaged me saying to not see her because she needs time to think about her feelings but I had done nothing wrong. I asked why she had blocked me on IG and TT (including eventually my new account, after I messaged her using it to ask what was happening), she said she hadn’t and has bad Internet where she is (that bit is true mobile data is bad in this country!). But I know she has blocked me.

After I said I was on the bus and I can’t turn back, she actually agreed to meet me in her town to talk, which took about an hour for her to get there and waited over an hour for me to get there. I know she hadn't been too well, with her feeling dizzy and exhausted recently, and had been feeling like that since she left me to go back to her town.

When she greeted me at the bus stop, she gave me a big smile and hug, wearing the hat I gave her and she wanted me to hold her arm as we walked to the restaurant. We went for a cheap dinner sat there for an hour and I asked her what happened, did I say or do anything wrong? She said no. She needed time to think about her feelings towards me, and feel healthy. 

I was very understanding with her, I didn’t get upset at her. I said I won’t message you anymore, she said no, I can still message her, but she doesn’t know what she wants, she wants 6 months to know what she wants.

As we said our final goodbyes in her town, she sent me a message saying “thank you for everything and take care. 😘”

I replied saying “thank you for your time. I will always remember you.” She hearted back.

On my last day at the airport, I sent a picture of myself at the airport to her saying I was on the flight home. She said “Take care Sulu. 💗 I’m very happy to meet you. ☺️”

I replied saying “You made me very happy over those 5 days”. She hearted my message and said “Thank you Sulu”.

After dinner and saying goodbye, I got the same bus back to where I was staying. 

We didn’t have any nookie, just small hugs and kisses. We never said we love each other, or things like that.

A switch seemed to flick in her head, one minute she was really keen to move to Europe with me, next minute, she had cold feet. I don’t know why she blocked me, I didn’t ask. I must have said or done something. If I did something, I am an idiot for doing that and losing her. She was an amazing woman.

I don’t think she was trying to scam or play me, or see me as a free holiday, but what do I know? It seems a lot of effort to come and see me for 5 days just to scam me, then get on a bus for an hour, then wait and an hour to see me again. 

I know she was an unwanted child, kicked out by her parents, became homeless, and jobless. Although I couldn’t 100% verify her story, it was consistent and it made sense, and when I agreed to help her find a job and give her $25, she was emotional, she broke down in tears during the video call.

In total, I gave her around US$250 in cash since January.  $250 in their country isn't megabucks, it's barely enough to cover 3 months of expenses. 

She is 22 and never had a serious relationship, or any relationship really. I’m 35M, no ex wife, wife or kids.

What are your thoughts on this?

Thank you.

TL;DR: I met an Asian woman online, I sent her some money as she said she was semi homeless. We continued talking, then after a month of talking, I said I would be going to her country to visit her (and other people). She agreed to meet me in the capital which was 4-5 hour bus ride for her. She stayed with me for 5 days. About a day after she left, she had blocked me on her social media and removed photos and videos of us together. I went to see her in person, she said that she didn't block me (which is not true), and she wasn't feeling well (I believe it's true). She wanted time to think about her feelings for me.

[smackie9]

Sorry but when someone says they need time to think about their feelings about you, that means they are not interested in you romantically. I don't think you got scammed either...it was a LD relationship that ran it's course. This is why it's best to not invest too much of yourself until you meet in person, then take it from there. Talking on line becomes more a fantasy created by the imagination. It feels real and right, but reality hit home for her when you met. You gave it a shot. Sorry things didn't really work out for you.

[yogacat]

She didn't need to block you or delete photos of you to think about her feelings.

Sorry to hear your story. Something like this is really hard to imagine what’s going on. 

Maybe, some people will say this is scam.

There is no legitimate reason to block you and remove all the photos of the two of you together. She may have been interested in you at first, but something changed her mind after you left. It's possible she met someone else or just realized she wasn't as into you as she thought.

Yes, there is the possibility that she may have been using you for support or gifts, and when she got what she wanted, she moved on.

I'm sure you're left feeling quite confused and that really sucks that happened to you.

[MissCanuck]

I think you don't really know this person and have been willfully ignoring red flags.

18 minutes ago, SuluHikaru said:

We were not friends on FB, as she couldn’t add me due to technical limitations with her phone, only messages.

You realize this is a lie, right? If she can message with you on FB Messenger, she can add you on there too. You need to understand that she simply didn't want to add you, for whatever reason. 

19 minutes ago, SuluHikaru said:

Although I couldn’t 100% verify her story

Could you actually verify any of it? It doesn't seem so. You know which town she lives in, and that she uses social media. It doesn't appear as though you know much else about her at all, apart from whatever she has told you (which may or may not be true) 

Look, it appears you over-invested in a very long shot, and she had a change of heart once she met you. You might not have done anything wrong, but it doesn't seem she was serious about starting something with you. My guess is that you are not the only one giving her attention and money and she's seeking resources elsewhere. 

It's best you move on from this. 

[SuluHikaru]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Sorry but when someone says they need time to think about their feelings about you, that means they are not interested in you romantically. I don't think you got scammed either...it was a LD relationship that ran it's course. This is why it's best to not invest too much of yourself until you meet in person, then take it from there. Talking on line becomes more a fantasy created by the imagination. It feels real and right, but reality hit home for her when you met. You gave it a shot. Sorry things didn't really work out for you.

Thank you.  I think you're right, absolutely right, with everything you said there.  The only thing I would say is that she was only going to stay 3 nights, then she wanted to stay 4 nights, then 5 nights.  She didn't want to do much on day 4 and 5, due to her period, but wanted to go out with me on on our last night.  Thank you.

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

She didn't need to block you or delete photos of you to think about her feelings.

Sorry to hear your story. Something like this is really hard to imagine what’s going on. 

Maybe, some people will say this is scam.

There is no legitimate reason to block you and remove all the photos of the two of you together. She may have been interested in you at first, but something changed her mind after you left. It's possible she met someone else or just realized she wasn't as into you as she thought.

Yes, there is the possibility that she may have been using you for support or gifts, and when she got what she wanted, she moved on.

I'm sure you're left feeling quite confused and that really sucks that happened to you.

Thank you.  I am very confused about what happened.  I don't think she met anyone, she could have been only using me for financial support, but it seems a lot of hassle just to get money from me.  All I can think of is that I wasn't what she wanted as a partner.  Thank you.

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

I think you don't really know this person and have been willfully ignoring red flags.

You realize this is a lie, right? If she can message with you on FB Messenger, she can add you on there too. You need to understand that she simply didn't want to add you, for whatever reason. 

Could you actually verify any of it? It doesn't seem so. You know which town she lives in, and that she uses social media. It doesn't appear as though you know much else about her at all, apart from whatever she has told you (which may or may not be true) 

Look, it appears you over-invested in a very long shot, and she had a change of heart once she met you. You might not have done anything wrong, but it doesn't seem she was serious about starting something with you. My guess is that you are not the only one giving her attention and money and she's seeking resources elsewhere. 

It's best you move on from this. 

Thank you.  I think you're being a little harsh here, but I respect your honesty.  👌

In poorer countries, Facebook offers a "lite" version of their platform to save on bandwidth costs for the user.  This version of Facebook often doesn't use your data, or doesn't count towards your data limit if you're in "credit".  When she was with me, I tried adding myself, but I had the same problem she had.  I couldn't add her as she didn't allow people to add her on FB.  I was going to ask her to allow people to add her to FB, but I never got around to it.  🤦‍♂️

I think you're right, I overinvested in a long shot, and she had a change of heart after meeting me.  🤷‍♂️

I would be surprised if anyone else was giving her serious attention, or giving her "resources".  But, I have no way of knowing. 

As for her story, of course, I don't know if anything was 100% true, and you don't know with people until you spend time with them.  When you meet your partner, do you know everything about them 100%?  Do you take everything they say at face value?  More than likely you do until you know them better.  Her story and timeline were consistent. 

But, you're right, it's best I move on.  I just wanted to ask other people their prospective.  I appreciate your prospective, even if I think it's a little harsh!  I do appreciate it when people like yourself offer harsh, but constructive criticism. Thank you.  😊

[yogacat]

16 minutes ago, SuluHikaru said:

Thank you.  I am very confused about what happened.  I don't think she met anyone, she could have been only using me for financial support, but it seems a lot of hassle just to get money from me.  All I can think of is that I wasn't what she wanted as a partner.  Thank you.

Of course you're confused, but don't let her actions make you doubt yourself. 

I agree that it may seem like a lot of hassle for just a little bit of money, but sometimes people are desperate and can go to great lengths for any support. I think she did genuinely appreciate your help and company and have some sort of romantic interest in you initially, but perhaps something changed during your time together or after you left.

You sound like a sincere and caring person, so I hope this experience doesn't make you too jaded or hesitant to help others in the future. Just be more cautious and aware of red flags in the future. 

[MissCanuck]

11 minutes ago, SuluHikaru said:

When you meet your partner, do you know everything about them 100%?  Do you take everything they say at face value?

You really can't compare meeting someone who lives on another continent once with meeting someone local you can spend time with regularly. 

You really only had her word to rely on, and given that you hadn't yet spent any time in her presence (until you met for a couple days), you had no other way to line up her story with actual facts. This is very different when you get to know someone who lives near you and you can meet and spend time with consistently and see in their own environment. 

15 minutes ago, SuluHikaru said:

I appreciate your prospective, even if I think it's a little harsh! 

It isn't meant to be harsh, but I do think you need a bit of a reality check.  This was never a very realistic relationship prospect, and I do hope you don't go down this path in the future. It often leads to the disappointment and confusion you're experiencing now, and it's just not worth it. 

 

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, SuluHikaru said:

.  I don't think she met anyone, she could have been only using me for financial support, but it seems a lot of hassle just to get money from me.  All I can think of is that I wasn't what she wanted as a partner.  

Sorry this happened. She seems to be in unfortunate circumstances and poverty and seemed grateful for your help. Unfortunately you were viewing this as a romantic rendezvous, but she seems to be looking for ways to survive. Please inform yourself about romance scams if you feel susceptible to sending money to women on other continents

https://consumer.ftc.gov/articles/what-know-about-romance-scams

[SooSad33]

On 3/31/2024 at 12:59 PM, SuluHikaru said:

A switch seemed to flick in her head, one minute she was really keen to move to Europe with me, next minute, she had cold feet. I don’t know why she blocked me, I didn’t ask. I must have said or done something. If I did something, I am an idiot for doing that and losing her. She was an amazing woman.

She may be kind, but IMO, she is more 'needy' than anything else and YOU came to her rescue.  But I don't think a relationship is what she wants or needs. That's you.

So, out of respect you leave her be now.  You've helped her out a bit and she is thankful.  

This may be it.

Then you best carry on and expect nothing more from her.  Someone who is into you will not block or avoid you 😉 .

 

[nattz4512]

Unfortunately,  she seems like a scammer and user... and perhaps found someone with more to offer...

Such as a way out of her country and life in the time-frame she wanted. 

I'm sorry. 

[Coily]

I don't think I'd quite call her a scammer, a user i would.

I think it started as her using you, but something switched in the interaction for her. Maybe she caught some feelings? Maybe she felt pity seeing how kind you were? Hard to say, but I think there was something more than just a grift in that she actually met up with you and spent time together.

However, it's unlike that things will ever be more than they were. Sad to say. But, if nothing else, you have a glob trotting romance story to tell at dinner parties.