Ex girlfriend harassing me for months and sent me porn of herself

[guyguy420]

TL:DR My ex girlfriend of a year and a half was extremely controlling and at times abusive, we have been apart for a while now and when she found out I was dating again she sent me BDSM porn of herself with another man. I am over her, but seeing such a thing made me feel very disgusted with myself.

Well, the post title and  my post history should largely speak for themselves but here is the current situation. And just to get it out of the way, the point of this post is I desperately need advice and guidance. 

I broke up with my girlfriend in December of last year. It was a year and a half long relationship, and a long strenuous breakup. She refused to even acknowledge I had broken up with her for a long time, so if I'm honest with myself about it, we have been apart since early November. Until late January, when she finally started to acknowledge it and we planned a day for her to give me my things back. Two or three post-ponings later she gave me my things, but had been and continued to demand that I do not cut contact with her.

I had blocked her on everything, and she had continued making social media accounts to attempt and contact me. Most of the time I would block her without a word, and the few times I responded usually resulted in a short conversation about how I couldn't and did not want to continue contact while she told me I was not allowed to leave. One time though, I had engaged with her in text and the conversation went as usual until she began to say very inappropriate things, telling me to not trust my family, that I was never allowed to leave her, that we were connected spiritually forever no matter what, and asked to move with me when I move for University. I had been very defensive, until playing highly emotional sentimental cards on me and I caved. Falling for the trap, we had a conversation about how much we had missed each other and she had convinced me to sleep on the idea of seeing each other one more time and potentially restarting our relationship. 

Some weeks would pass and we would not have any contact, I had went back and forth with myself for some time and ultimately came to my senses and texted her once more "I can't do this, we shouldn't,' then blocked her again. More time would pass, and I had went through a short depressive bout but then started getting back out with my friends. At this point, months have passed and I am very firm in my feelings, that I had long not trusted her and no longer wanted to be with her- thanks to tough love from friends, family, and responses to my previous posts. In such conditions, I had begun to think about dating again, hoping to meet someone nice and take things very slow without any expectations. I started reconnecting with some old friends, including a female friend my ex girlfriend had previously forbid me from speaking too, and she had introduced me to a friend of hers and not long after we had started going on dates. 

Today though, my ex girlfriend contacted me once again. I received an anonymous text saying something to the effect of "oh you hanging out with those *** ass gross  **** huh." I was confused and engaged but quickly found out who it was. My ex had begun hurling all types of insults towards me, my friends, and my new romantic interest. She bragged about going on a trip to Seattle, then began to make comments about how I was going to be nothing in my life.  Towards the end of the conversation, she was being very mean and I was begging her to just leave me alone and let it be. She then sent me photos of herself, tied up in rope and duct tape, with lashes and bruises all over her naked body, one while she was having sex tied up, saying "Here, you can get off to this." These instantly made me sick to my stomach, as I am a sexual assault victim and had mentioned to her how more extreme things like that made me feel weird and uncomfortable. 

I have been very through the roof stressed since this happened. I don't think it's any shame of seeing her used by someone else, I have long accepted she probably wasn't my GF even when we were together. But it was genuine disgust, at the material itself and also the realization that I had let my whole life go for this. My friends, my music career, many many opportunities, and a lot of money and trust wasted on someone who would rather be physically abused than ever be with me. It was also just the nail in the coffin, confirmation of what type of person she was no matter how hard I denied it. It was confirmation that she wanted a world where I was hers, but she was whomever-she-wanted's, that she was angry at me for moving on and even talking to someone else while we've been apart, while she did that. I don't love her, but it's also strange to see someone you loved or cared for so tattered and beaten, so deep into something that doesn't help anyone, but is proud of it. I hope I'm not alone either when I say, I believe people who enjoy "consensually" physically assaulting or being assaulted to the point of bruises, lashes, cuts, and marks are deeply disturbed and need help.

I am also deeply, gravely disgusted with myself for ever having touched her, been near her, or sleeping with her. I lost my virginity to her, and had kept mine long past my peers and even though previous relationships in high school, and I truly thought she was pure. I feel as though I have laid with evil and allowed myself to be tempted. I feel as though God punishes me for that lust, for not listening to the many signs I should have left. I feel immense, unshakeable shame. 

[ShySoul]

21 minutes ago, guyguy420 said:

I am also deeply, gravely disgusted with myself for ever having touched her, been near her, or sleeping with her. I lost my virginity to her, and had kept mine long past my peers and even though previous relationships in high school, and I truly thought she was pure. I feel as though I have laid with evil and allowed myself to be tempted. I feel as though God punishes me for that lust, for not listening to the many signs I should have left. I feel immense, unshakeable shame. 

You are far from the first person to believe a person is someone they are not. When you care for someone, it is natural to see all the good things in them and to ignore or dismiss a lot of the negatives. It's easy to get swept up in your feelings. That doesn't make you bad or sinful. It's not God punishing you and it's nothing to feel shame over. It was a mistake, one that countless people have made. Those people weren't bad people and most were able to pick themselves up and eventually find someone who made them feel even more special, who shared their values, and who treated them way better.

If someone has thought of it, there is probably someone out there that is into it. If you aren't, then it's a sign this person isn't right for you. She seems like a person with a lot to work on. On one hand she tells you that you are spirtually connected. Next conversation she is telling you that you will never be anything. That's clearly someone who is not stable or someone who truly cares about you. You are better off without her. Sending you that video was another sign of how unhealthy she is. Knowing your past, it was a way to hurt you. And that emotional hurt she is causing you is just as painful as any physical pain her proclivities have caused her. 

Don't have any more contact with her. Ignore her. Eventually she will tire of this, especially if she sees she can't get to you anymore. You were doing well on your way to recovery. So continue doing what you were doing. And please, don't blame yourself. Life isn't about getting knocked down, we all get knocked down. It's about picking yourself back up and pushing forward.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, guyguy420 said:

 when she found out I was dating again she sent me BDSM porn of herself with another man. I am over her, but seeing such a thing made me feel very disgusted with myself.

Sorry this is happening. Please delete her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging . If she is harassing or stalking you file a complaint with the police and consider getting a restraining order. 

Is this the same woman?

 

[guyguy420]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Please delete her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging . If she is harassing or stalking you file a complaint with the police and consider getting a restraining order. 

Is this the same woman?

 

Yes, it is.

[poorlittlefish]

I'd be notifying the cops because what she's doing adds up to harassment/stalking.  If you're in the UK then sending someone unsolicitied pornographic images is also a criminal offence (I don't know if there are similar laws elsewhere).  If nothing else, a little knock on her door from the boys in blue might be enough to dissuade her from continuing her campaign of abuse.

[MissCanuck]

Please block this unhinged woman everywhere. 

 

[guyguy420]

5 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

I'd be notifying the cops because what she's doing adds up to harassment/stalking.  If you're in the UK then sending someone unsolicitied pornographic images is also a criminal offence (I don't know if there are similar laws elsewhere).  If nothing else, a little knock on her door from the boys in blue might be enough to dissuade her from continuing her campaign of abuse.

I believe in my state, unsolicited pornographic images would just play into the harassment charge. I’m really afraid that I screwed up by blocking and deleting our previous messages, because now I’m not sure id be able to prove harassment or petition for a restraining order.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, guyguy420 said:

I believe in my state, unsolicited pornographic images would just play into the harassment charge. I’m really afraid that I screwed up by blocking and deleting our previous messages, because now I’m not sure id be able to prove harassment or petition for a restraining order.

Nothing disappears forever.  Those messages can be restored if you really need them to be.

In the meantime, stop responding to her and make sure to block any and all unknown entities from contacting you.  Don't open anything that doesn't come from a known and trusted source.  I'd temporarily disable all social media accounts as well.  Change your number (yes, you can, it's easy).

As for how you feel, I too was in a long-ish relationship with a terrible person.  I have had a hard time forgiving myself for having such low self esteem that I would not only allow myself to be mistreated but I actually thought I loved this person.  But what I did is not unforgivable.  I didn't harm others, only myself.  So I just had to tell myself "yeah, that sucked but I will never allow that to happen ever again".  You can move forward from this.

[yogacat]

That sounds absolutely traumatic.

That's horrifying that she has gone to the lengths of distributing that material. She seems disturbed and you were right to cut her out of your life for your own well-being.

Unfortunately her actions are still aggressive and damaging, yes, you need a restraining order. Just don't believe there is something wrong with you. You are entitled to your own choices now. It sucks that you made the emotional mistake of opening up to her.

Just know that you're doing the right thing at this point, in getting away from this person. 

[SooSad33]

On 3/30/2024 at 9:58 PM, guyguy420 said:

I have been very through the roof stressed since this happened. I don't think it's any shame of seeing her used by someone else, I have long accepted she probably wasn't my GF even when we were together. But it was genuine disgust, at the material itself and also the realization that I had let my whole life go for this. My friends, my music career, many many opportunities, and a lot of money and trust wasted on someone who would rather be physically abused than ever be with me.

In time, you WILL change your thoughts on this. She is demented - Fact! She is not well in many ways. And believe me, your frame of mind will change & improve with this thought to 'her choosing to be w/ someone else & be abused than with you' ..... When you are over all of this, you will see it all in a sense you are glad she is gone! And so glad you no longer have to deal with her crap! 😞 

 

On 3/30/2024 at 9:58 PM, guyguy420 said:

Today though, my ex girlfriend contacted me once again. I received an anonymous text saying something to the effect of "oh you hanging out with those *** ass gross  **** huh." I was confused and engaged but quickly found out who it was. My ex had begun hurling all types of insults towards me, my friends, and my new romantic interest. She bragged about going on a trip to Seattle, then began to make comments about how I was going to be nothing in my life.  Towards the end of the conversation, she was being very mean and I was begging her to just leave me alone and let it be.

Sadly, you did cave in and have another conversation with this evil, controlling thing!  When you are strong enough, you WILL have it in you to NOT ever give in again! Right now, you are still weak 😕 . 

I suggest though, that you do not go getting into another relationship yet.  You need a good while on your own to heal, mentally & emotionally.

 

On 3/30/2024 at 9:58 PM, guyguy420 said:

I had blocked her on everything, and she had continued making social media accounts to attempt and contact me. Most of the time I would block her without a word, and the few times I responded usually resulted in a short conversation about how I couldn't and did not want to continue contact while she told me I was not allowed to leave. One time though, I had engaged with her in text and the conversation went as usual until she began to say very inappropriate things, telling me to not trust my family, that I was never allowed to leave her, that we were connected spiritually forever no matter what, and asked to move with me when I move for University. I had been very defensive, until playing highly emotional sentimental cards on me and I caved. Falling for the trap,

Right, she is controlling & evil!  

You have been traumatized and need to realize this. I am so sorry you've had to experience all of this. - But is time you do take control over yourself & your life again.

Be stronger than this and if she does try her crap with you again, you may want to record & save some stuff and tell her to back off or else! And mean it...  Either you NEVER cave in or report her to police.  She needs to see that you mean business and do NOT want to deal with her again.

She is Toxic!

Meanwhile, continue as you are.  Keep up with your friends and lean on them & your family for support.  Maybe even consider reaching out for some prof help. A counselor or therapist.