kim42 Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 Interesting topic. Based on my experience, it's pretty common on dating apps, either before meeting in real life and/or after the first date. Sharing some of my experiences: 1. I matched with this guy on bumble, his third message was him describing where he wants to have sex with me. 2. I matched with a different guy on bumble, he texts me that he likes my legs and wants to see more. 3. I had one date with another guy from bumble, he starts to sext me after the first date, sharing his kinky side with me even though I never asked about it. 4. Another first date from bumble, the guy was nice but it turns out he's looking for something casually. I tell him I'm looking for a relationship. He tries to 'convince' me to sleep with him after the date via texts, in a very graphic way. I have more stories like this. I think sexting can be fun but I only do it once I'm in an exclusive relationship with someone. It feels strange for me to sext with someone I don't know. @rainbowsandroses if you mean the long-distance guy, we don't sext and he never asked for pictures, which is honestly refreshing and I like it. 1 1 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 13 Author Share Posted March 13 25 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said: I think that what a guy says or how he acts after the first time reveals a lot about his intentions. I knew of some men trying to be more delicate after first sex because they didn’t want the women to think it was only about that. If a man is only sexting about first sex, you better assume he wasn’t pursuing you for your brain… Bolded- absolutely! I am the exact same. I appreciate your advice Sindy because this multi-dating thing is so new to me, plus I never had sex with a man until I was fairly certain it would lead to a relationship which it typically always has. My previous boyfriends and I never got into that type of explicit (frankly crude) sexting until we were well into the relationship. I can't even imagine what I would say to last night's guy, I mean I am attracted to him and he kissed me but the sexual stuff? I think if he had approached it a different way and not have been so sexually explicit, my reaction might be different. My previous boyfriends always worked up to that type of explicit sexting. Instead they would create a more "romantic" (for lack of a better word) scenario, something titillating, that would trigger my imagination. And would then wait for ME to take it up a notch! Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 9 minutes ago, kim42 said: I have more stories like this. Yikes. Sometimes you have to wonder if being behind a screen brings this out and if they would have the nerve to do it in person. 1 Link to comment
kim42 Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Yikes. Sometimes you have to wonder if being behind a screen brings this out and if they would have the nerve to do it in person. I think they wouldn't be so brave in person, the fact they can hide behind a screen makes it easier to share this kind of messages. The guys I described in my comment were both lawyers, very polite and respectful during our date so honestly the sexting thing did surprise me. 1 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 13 Author Share Posted March 13 13 minutes ago, kim42 said: Interesting topic. Based on my experience, it's pretty common on dating apps, either before meeting in real life and/or after the first date. Sharing some of my experiences: 1. I matched with this guy on bumble, his third message was him describing where he wants to have sex with me. 2. I matched with a different guy on bumble, he texts me that he likes my legs and wants to see more. 3. I had one date with another guy from bumble, he starts to sext me after the first date, sharing his kinky side with me even though I never asked about it. 4. Another first date from bumble, the guy was nice but it turns out he's looking for something casually. I tell him I'm looking for a relationship. He tries to 'convince' me to sleep with him after the date via texts, in a very graphic way. I have more stories like this. I think sexting can be fun but I only do it once I'm in an exclusive relationship with someone. It feels strange for me to sext with someone I don't know. @rainbowsandroses if you mean the long-distance guy, we don't sext and he never asked for pictures, which is honestly refreshing and I like it. Thanks Kim and yikes is right! Especially Nos. 1 and 3! Do you have a standard response when this happens like @Sindy_0311. I am curious how you respond? Apparently it IS the norm so that answers my original question. Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 13 Author Share Posted March 13 6 minutes ago, kim42 said: The guys I described in my comment were both lawyers, very polite and respectful during our date so honestly the sexting thing did surprise me. I hear ya. Nice looking, polite, respectful successful guys! Well, at least they asked me before shooting off an explicit sext, except for last night's guy who DID ask and I responded saying that I was not comfortable with it just yet, that it was one of my boundaries. But yet he sexted me anyway. Which may be why I am feeling so insulted by it. He completely disregarded my boundary; I think this may be a dealbreaker because of that. 1 Link to comment
Jaunty Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 I'm pretty confident that any guys who start sexting with women that they don't have any type of intimate relationship with - or, worse, have not even met - are what I would charitably describe as "undesirables." 2 2 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 13 Author Share Posted March 13 2 minutes ago, Jaunty said: I'm pretty confident that any guys who start sexting with women that they don't have any type of intimate relationship with - or, worse, have not even met - are what I would charitably describe as "undesirables." Apparently, in today's dating culture, that would rule out A LOT of men. But yeah I hear ya. So disheartening. Link to comment
Sindy_0311 Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 Dating (especially OLD) is tough nowadays. You better get prepared to never find what you are looking for… Just act accordingly to your standards, and if no one can meet you there, make sure to build a happy life by your own. I gave up on the fantasy of finding my partner… I’m trying to just have the best life I can. If I happen to meet him, then great. If not, I will be fine… I will be ok with casual flings because I think this is what people have to offer nowadays. How could it be different in the world we live in… Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 13 Author Share Posted March 13 Just now, Sindy_0311 said: I gave up on the fantasy of finding my partner… I’m trying to just have the best life I can. If I happen to meet him, then great. If not, I will be fine… I think that is a great attitude Sindy! I have spoken of same previously, of just being "by myself" and being okay with that, but deep down I truly would love to find "my person." If such a person/man even exists. 1 Link to comment
kim42 Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 19 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: Thanks Kim and yikes is right! Especially Nos. 1 and 3! Do you have a standard response when this happens like @Sindy_0311. I am curious how you respond? Apparently it IS the norm so that answers my original question. My replies, as far as I remember: 1. I told him I'm looking for a relationship and not just sex, he didn't stop sexting me so I unmatched him. 2. I told him I don't send pictures to guys I never met in real life. 3. I told him that although I enjoyed our date (which was true, the date itself went well, no red flags), I didn't feel comfortable having a sexual conversation with him. 4. I think I had to block this one, he just went too far with sexting, I think he might have been drunk. I understand why you would feel insulted after that guy tried sexting you, for me it would be a dealbreaker too to be honest. I think if a guy likes you and respects you, he won't risk making you feel uncomfortable. 2 Link to comment
yogacat Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 If we're talking about OLD, it is all about getting easy quick sex for most guys on there. Welcome to the meat market. Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 13 Author Share Posted March 13 10 minutes ago, yogacat said: If we're talking about OLD, it is all about getting easy quick sex for most guys on there. Welcome to the meat market. I am on a dating app, but I really do prefer to meet men IRL. Last night's date I met IRL and the date I have on Saturday I met IRL. Saturday's date asked me (verbatim I just re-read his text) "would it be okay if I were more sexual with you"? We have met IRL but Saturday night is our first date. I replied with my standard "hmm, not sure I am comfortable with that, it's one of my boundaries" and so far he has respected it. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said: Bat, I totally get this^ but these are men I have met for the first time in real life, not just on the app. And men I have gone on dates with. And it's several men, not just one or two. IDK, I am not into it because for me I have to actually "feel" something before I become sexual, whether it's sexting or actual sex. I have had some men outright ask me if they can start becoming sexual with me on text, and if I am not comfortable with it, they respect it. But they can never really let it go and will bring it up again. Last night for example, I had a date, we had a good time, lots of good chat and laughs and today he sent me a sexual message about his "male body part" imagining what it would be like to see me naked and **** me! I haven't responded and tbh don't really want to which is such a shame because I thought he was nice when we met and on our date. But again I feel like such a prude!!! Which I am NOT and wondering if I need to get with the program now? Asking again is this the norm in our current dating environment? Ugh! I think it's essential if you're looking for a potential serious relationship to stick to your standards. What you described I would not be ok with and as you know I didn't have a cell when I dated but I had messenger etc. I'm extremely respectful about peoples' personal boundaries especially when we're getting to know each other so if a man were to do that I'd assume we were incompatible because I wouldn't be comfortable early on with talking about sex like that or the pics, etc. I knew what kind of values/character/integrity I was looking for and I didn't care at all if compared to "the norm" I was a so-called prude or whatever. For whatever reason most men with rare exception didn't speak that way to me - more typically if someone said something like a curse word I'd get a look like "oops sorry" lol. My mom gets that same reaction! And yes I wore flattering stuff, yes I flirted, etc. Some men did and they didn't last long in my life. So I experienced what you did and it mattered not at all to me what the "societal" trend was. 1 Link to comment
Sindy_0311 Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: I think that is a great attitude Sindy! Great attitude as you say… we all want that special person… but unfortunately we live in a time where I don’t think it’s a probability. To many options due to social media. When you feel good with someone you think about your other options because you know you can swipe and find a better person. It’s so easy. I’m the first one to acknowledge that I’m thinking of finding better when dealing with someone. Because I know I can meet whoever I want the next day. It’s sad, but the relationship our parents or our grandparents had no longer exist. We live in a world of insta fashion, insta food and insta relationships… Everything is ephemeral. When I met my husband, 15 year ago, things were different. But now… OMG… in 10 years things changed a lot and I realized I had to accept it and I just wish my 8 years old son will experience true love once in his life… 🙏 Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 13 Author Share Posted March 13 2 minutes ago, Batya33 said: For whatever reason most men with rare exception didn't speak that way to me Nor did men speak to me that way either Bat, until now. I dunno but I am thinking that perhaps I am giving off a different vibe since I am multi-dating. My attitude may be coming across as more casual because of it and they're picking up on it? I honestly don't know... Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 13 Author Share Posted March 13 9 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said: Great attitude as you say… we all want that special person… but unfortunately we live in a time where I don’t think it’s a probability. To many options due to social media. When you feel good with someone you think about your other options because you know you can swipe and find a better person. It’s so easy. I’m the first one to acknowledge that I’m thinking of finding better when dealing with someone. Because I know I can meet whoever I want the next day. It’s sad, but the relationship our parents or our grandparents had no longer exist. We live in a world of insta fashion, insta food and insta relationships… Everything is ephemeral. When I met my husband, 15 year ago, things were different. But now… OMG… in 10 years things changed a lot and I realized I had to accept it and I just wish my 8 years old son will experience true love once in his life… 🙏 Yes I think this is very true! Although I did meet and marry my ex-husband just a couple of years ago (we met, got married and divorced all within a 2 year period) so it was relatively recent. I never went through this sexting nonsense with him. Nor did I experience it with my recent ex - "elevator guy." Which leads me to believe there are guys who aren't into this type of thing, or more respectful or whatever. Again it must be me and a particular vibe I am sending, perhaps some sort of a "bad girl" vibe, LOL I don't know!! But for sure there must be a reason I am suddenly attracting a different type of guy than I have previously. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: Nor did men speak to me that way either Bat, until now. I dunno but I am thinking that perhaps I am giving off a different vibe since I am multi-dating. My attitude may be coming across as more casual because of it and they're picking up on it? I honestly don't know... I multidated all the time - never did it any other way because I wanted marriage. But if you're open to casual dating and clicking on profiles like that maybe it is more common for those men. I only clicked on and responded to profiles of men looking for marriage and family. We didn't talk about multidating -it was assumed. Same for meeting men in real life. The men who got sexual in a verbal way were men who were comfortable with casual sex and sex early on. I was comfortable with neither so I didn't see them again unless they decided they were cool with my standards and if they were then typically they didn't speak that way. But it typically went hand in hand so I didn't go out again for both those reasons. I walked away from a hot guy about 20 years ago -brother of an acquaintance because he mentioned his date the night before and the oral sex part and I said "I'm not comfortable talking about that" - so we changed the subject and a couple of minutes later he raised it again. So I walked away -my friend -a lawyer lol - said I was silly because he was so hot and successful and was probably "joking" - um nope - it wasn't funny to disrespect me in that way. No regrets. Obviously flirting and banter were really fun - explicitly sexual early on and in that way -nope. Ick!!! Link to comment
Jaunty Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 47 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: Apparently, in today's dating culture, that would rule out A LOT of men. That's okay. That's what dating is about. Process of elimination. You will also rule out guys for things much less egregious than sexting strangers - like, you're simply not attracted to them. 2 Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 13 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: To many options due to social media. When you feel good with someone you think about your other options because you know you can swipe and find a better person. People who are serious minded may let that affect them temporarily but only temporarily -when I dated I got soooo many messages in my major city and contacted many men and attracted lots of attention at parties and clubs and events -no I wasn't "hot" and when I was serious minded I didn't get motivated by that sort of attention or have GIGs or FOMO - I think it does affect people who have a more casual mindset or like arm candy- there's always someone hotter looking - but people aren't brainwashed sheep -not the ones worth being in a relationship with IMHO. Yes at first online dating was a fascinating candy store like the dance clubs were. At first. But I was serious minded and the men I met were too so it didnt affect us to any real extent. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 2 minutes ago, Jaunty said: That's okay. That's what dating is about. Process of elimination. You will also rule out guys for things much less egregious than sexting strangers - like, you're simply not attracted to them. Yes - who cares- it only takes one right match, right? Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 13 Author Share Posted March 13 10 minutes ago, Batya33 said: But if you're open to casual dating and clicking on profiles like that maybe it is more common for those men. Again Bat, these are men I have met in real life. With respect to the app, the few that I have replied to, my behavior has not changed. I reply to men I find attractive based on their pics and profiles and again these men are attractive and successful, same as I did before when I was on a dating app. So that has not changed. The men I met in real life were polite and respectful when I first met them, so that has not changed. The only thing I can think of that has changed is me and the "vibe" I am giving off that is telling them it's okay for them to suggest sexting or flat out sending me an explicit sext. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 26 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said: We live in a world of insta fashion, insta food and insta relationships… Everything is ephemeral. When I met my husband, 15 year ago, things were different. But now… OMG… in 10 years things changed a lot and I realized I had to accept it and I just wish my 8 years old son will experience true love once in his life… 🙏 My friend in her 40s got divorced a couple of years ago. She went online -two teenage daughters, married for a long time. She's such a lovely person. She met her person through a dating site a couple of years ago (she dated one other guy for maybe close to a year and told me that they simply didn't have enough in common life style wise -and it just wasn't right) anyway -I think now it's 2-3 years - he's not hot -he looks like a nice person in the photos and they look so happy and like they're having fun -zero issues of wanting to look elsewhere. One of many examples I know of. Link to comment
rainbowsandroses Posted March 13 Author Share Posted March 13 >>"To many options due to social media. When you feel good with someone you think about your other options because you know you can swipe and find a better person." @Batya, you quoted me as posting this^ but I did not post it. @Sindy_0311did. Just wanted to clarify that.... not a big deal. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said: Again Bat, these are men I have met in real life. With respect to the app, the few that I have replied to, my behavior has not changed. I reply to men I find attractive based on their pics and profiles and again these men are attractive and successful, same as I did before when I was on a dating app. So that has not changed. The men I met in real life were polite and respectful when I first met them, so that has not changed. The only thing I can think of that has changed is me and the "vibe" I am giving off that is telling them it's okay for them to suggest sexting or flat out sending me an explicit sext. Do these men in real life know what you are looking for in terms of the future? You've written many words -interesting of course but -a lot! -so forgive me if I assumed you'd met through an app -no real relevance to me. Link to comment
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