I’m too gentle for this world (Any advice would be appreciated)

[Reyna2002]

On 3/4/2024 at 8:59 PM, Coily said:

You have been through quite a lot, and you have my deepest sympathy.

The feeling of isolation and loneliness is another strong thread in you commentary I am seeing. Depending on your interests, if you are not quite ready to join groups; perhaps you should look into some on campus events at your university. Art Galleries, movie screenings, places where you can be around people; but don't feel obligated to interact with them like you would with a club/organization. Also ask your counselor/therapist if they have any recommendations to help you get out and socialize some more.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, you just need the right tools and options to help you emerge from your shell.

Thank you so much for your words, you are so kind. Yes, I do try to involve myself more in different situations, I also do go to art galleries and libraries but I always stay by myself. Even at university. I stay away from people, but people look at me like I’m strange because I don’t appear to be someone who is a loner. At least that’s what I think. Sometimes I smile at some girls in university but they don’t smile back so I feel embarrassed. On my post, I stated how I hate to be embarrassed. I’ll actually do anything to not feel that way. It makes me want to die and I’d rather be miserable forever than be embarrassed. I remember my brother would embarrass me in front of people and say I’m nothing special, and I’m nothing special to God. I really hate embarrassment. If somebody interacts with me, it’s some guys who have bad intentions and I hate it. 
 

However, I’m still trying. Today I’m feeling quite happy. Somebody accepted me for a part time job  Now I can earn money and make my mother comfortable. That’s all I ever wanted. I don’t know about myself anymore. I’m a lost person.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Reyna2002 said:

Thank you so much, I don’t know why but I just tear up reading your kind words, and others’ words as well. It makes me feel better but I also feel guilty having sympathy from strangers online. I went to the session but I felt very weird, I don’t know. A bit uncomfortable. I did the exact same thing as you I believe, I began to make it out as if I’m better than I am, so I can appear stronger. I think it’s out of habit. I have a feeling she could see through me. I’m that type of person you can see all my emotions through my face. I have a very sad face all the time. Bless her, I could see she was trying to make me feel comfortable. Next session is on Monday. I don’t know, I’ll see how it goes. I really need to stop with this crying problem I have. I’ll be normal then I have to quickly go somewhere and hide and break down. That horrible feeling in my chest comes after, I don’t know why, I feel like my brother is following me. It scares me. It’s okay, I’ll try to manage. 

Consider challenging your guilt, because your interactions are a two way street. You’re not just receiving, you’re also giving. Your posts are helpful to the next person who learns that they are not the only one who feels isolated and afraid. You also help those of us who want to give our time, because we all teach ourselves through compassion. Every response we post teaches us the degree to which we can exercise that important life skill.

 In counseling training I was taught, “When I say something, I know it, but when YOU say it, then YOU know it.” So while each one of us may appreciate concepts we’ve learned, when we speak or write about them, we practice them.

So that’s why you are not only worthy of the time and attention of others, you are offering others a valuable gift every time you are willing to extend yourself to engage them, whether it’s to receive sympathy, empathy or kindness from another, or whether it’s to extend something to them.

So lean in and give your counselor the chance to practice learning through a mutual experience with you. You will both benefit, and this is true of every encounter you are willing to have with another person.

[catfeeder]

7 hours ago, Reyna2002 said:

…Sometimes I smile at some girls in university but they don’t smile back so I feel embarrassed. On my post, I stated how I hate to be embarrassed. I’ll actually do anything to not feel that way. It makes me want to die and I’d rather be miserable forever than be embarrassed. I remember my brother would embarrass me in front of people and say I’m nothing special, and I’m nothing special to God. I really hate embarrassment. If somebody interacts with me, it’s some guys who have bad intentions and I hate it.

However, I’m still trying. Today I’m feeling quite happy. Somebody accepted me for a part time job  Now I can earn money and make my mother comfortable. That’s all I ever wanted. I don’t know about myself anymore. I’m a lost person.

Behaviors of others are not a reflection on you, they are a reflection on themselves. Your willingness to extend a smile reflects generosity, which is not something to be embarrassed about.

If someone is too miserable to smile back, it speaks of their misery rather than of you. If they are simply too absorbed in their own thoughts, then it speaks of their concentration, not you. In any case, it’s not about you. Taking on the negativity of embarrassment only harms your own mood and squelches the purpose of your smile in the first place.

Generosity of spirit is a gift that can only be appreciated by those who own enough of it in themselves to recognize it. When someone does not, that’s sad for them, but it robs you of nothing. Unless you rob yourself.

[Wiseman2]

On 3/3/2024 at 12:07 PM, Reyna2002 said:

 This world is like a prison. Everything I have been through has made me a kinder person. Quite too kind that people try to take advantage of me. Quite too kind that I fall for traps and end up thinking someone actually wants me. 

Did something specifically happen with that makes you feel you were "taken advantage of"?. For example did you date someone who hurt you?

Are you from a very conservative culture where daughters are expected to support the parents and family? Do you live at home or on campus? 

What exactly do you mean by "prison"? The way you've locked yourself away because of an unfortunate experience or the life you are expected to pursue for cultural/religious reasons? You seem to mention God quite a bit and put your brother on a pedestal 

[Reyna2002]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Behaviors of others are not a reflection on you, they are a reflection on themselves. Your willingness to extend a smile reflects generosity, which is not something to be embarrassed about.

If someone is too miserable to smile back, it speaks of their misery rather than of you. If they are simply too absorbed in their own thoughts, then it speaks of their concentration, not you. In any case, it’s not about you. Taking on the negativity of embarrassment only harms your own mood and squelches the purpose of your smile in the first place.

Generosity of spirit is a gift that can only be appreciated by those who own enough of it in themselves to recognize it. When someone does not, that’s sad for them, but it robs you of nothing. Unless you rob yourself.

Very true. It’s something I’m progressively working on. Also, I find that generosity is something that makes me feel good. Your words are very inspiring.

[Reyna2002]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did something specifically happen with that makes you feel you were "taken advantage of"?. For example did you date someone who hurt you?

Are you from a very conservative culture where daughters are expected to support the parents and family? Do you live at home or on campus? 

What exactly do you mean by "prison"? The way you've locked yourself away because of an unfortunate experience or the life you are expected to pursue for cultural/religious reasons? You seem to mention God quite a bit and put your brother on a pedestal 

I haven’t dated anyone. I’ve never had a boyfriend. Whoever wants to “date” only wants to have me for one thing then leave me. So I have always been wary of that. The most anyone showed closest to love was that experience of that guy I had which I stated. I thought he loved me but he doesn’t. 

As for my culture, it doesn’t restrict me in any way. If anything, it should have come to an advantage. In my culture, men are supposed to provide. Women can work if they want to but it’s their choice, and they keep all their money. They don’t have that obligation or responsibility to provide for the family as it is the man’s job. They live life on easy mode financially. However, because of the situation. My brother does not care, if anything he takes from my mother who struggles. I don’t have my father in my life all the time. So I’m the one who is next and my mother’s hope. That’s why I can’t let her down. 

I wouldn’t say I’ve necessary locked myself away. I still try my best and I study. More like a prison within myself. There’s just something inside me that makes me feel that way. As I’ve read above, most possibly due to trauma. There are many things I haven’t listed as I didn’t want the thread to get too long, but let’s just say brother messed me up big time. I mention God a lot, because I have a lot of faith in him. He picked me up when I couldn’t get up myself. He listened when nobody did. Also, the reason why I’m here today is because of him otherwise I would’ve ended it a long time ago. My religion doesn’t restrict me, rather elevates me. If somebody asks me what makes me strong?, I would say it is God himself. It is sadly the situation of my household. My brother isn’t on a pedestal. He put himself “above” others by taking advantage of strength and his so called responsibility. Which he doesn’t seem to even bother about. 
 

[boltnrun]

Please be honest and forthright with your therapist.  They cannot help you if you hide things from them.

Trust me, they have heard EVERYTHING.  

I confessed things to my psychologist.  Things that were done to me and things I chose to do that were not moral things.  Bad choices I made.  Bad things that were done to me when I was a child and not able to defend myself.  My psychologist did not shame me or mock me or denigrate me.  She wanted to help.  She told me I am strong.  She offered support and advice.  I hope you can do the same with your therapist.

Sure, remaining as you are is less frightening, but do you really want to live the rest of your life like this?

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Reyna2002 said:

. I went to the session but I felt very weird,, I began to make it out as if I’m better than I am, so I can appear stronger. I think it’s out of habit.

Please understand, Reyna, that in order to be trusted, you need to be honest and sincere. 

You don't need to pour your heart out to everyone who comes along, but if you want people to help you, like this therapist, its difficult if you lie and manipulate because of "habit". 

[Capricorn3]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please understand, Reyna, that in order to be trusted, you need to be honest and sincere. 

You don't need to pour your heart out to everyone who comes along, but if you want people to help you, like this therapist, its difficult if you lie and manipulate because of "habit". 

I second the above post in its entirety.  OP, if you don't share your struggles with a therapist, they can't help you.  Basically, you are then wasting their time, your time and your money. Be honest and upfront.

[Reyna2002]

11 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Please be honest and forthright with your therapist.  They cannot help you if you hide things from them.

Trust me, they have heard EVERYTHING.  

I confessed things to my psychologist.  Things that were done to me and things I chose to do that were not moral things.  Bad choices I made.  Bad things that were done to me when I was a child and not able to defend myself.  My psychologist did not shame me or mock me or denigrate me.  She wanted to help.  She told me I am strong.  She offered support and advice.  I hope you can do the same with your therapist.

Sure, remaining as you are is less frightening, but do you really want to live the rest of your life like this?

Yes, you are right. I just felt nervous as it was my first time. I didn’t know what to expect. I’m very sorry for what you went through, I really hope things are better now and you are improving. From next session onwards, I’ll speak freely, I feel like she will listen. Well she will, it’s her job.

Living the rest of my life like this is the true idea of frightening. Better to speak while I have the chance. 

[Reyna2002]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please understand, Reyna, that in order to be trusted, you need to be honest and sincere. 

You don't need to pour your heart out to everyone who comes along, but if you want people to help you, like this therapist, its difficult if you lie and manipulate because of "habit". 

For sure, I was just quite nervous. I never opened up to anyone, more like nobody ever cared or listened. So it was the first time for me. I did not mean it to come across as manipulative or deceitful. Just anxious. I will speak to her properly in the next session. I just wanted to see if it would be okay if that makes sense. 

[Reyna2002]

3 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

I second the above post in its entirety.  OP, if you don't share your struggles with a therapist, they can't help you.  Basically, you are then wasting their time, your time and your money. Be honest and upfront.

Yes, will do

[Reyna2002]

15 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did something specifically happen with that makes you feel you were "taken advantage of"?. For example did you date someone who hurt you?

Are you from a very conservative culture where daughters are expected to support the parents and family? Do you live at home or on campus? 

What exactly do you mean by "prison"? The way you've locked yourself away because of an unfortunate experience or the life you are expected to pursue for cultural/religious reasons? You seem to mention God quite a bit and put your brother on a pedestal 

That reminds me, earlier I said my brother isn’t on a pedestal. Now that I think of it, the reason why my mother never told anyone and let this continue with me is because she thought one day her “only beloved son” would turn out okay and she didn’t want to ruin his life by reporting him to the police or telling someone. She basically didn’t want to dig a hole that he wouldn’t be able to climb out of later in his life. This IS due to culture as she only has one son and she doesn’t want anything to happen to him. That is certainly a reason why she sort of put him over me in that situation. He was taking all sorts of drugs and dealing them at that time too. So if he got reported then, he would’ve had that stamp on his name forever.