Reyna2002

That reminds me, earlier I said my brother isn’t on a pedestal. Now that I think of it, the reason why my mother never told anyone and let this continue with me is because she thought one day her “only beloved son” would turn out okay and she didn’t want to ruin his life by reporting him to the police or telling someone. She basically didn’t want to dig a hole that he wouldn’t be able to climb out of later in his life. This IS due to culture as she only has one son and she doesn’t want anything to happen to him. That is certainly a reason why she sort of put him over me in that situation. He was taking all sorts of drugs and dealing them at that time too. So if he got reported then, he would’ve had that stamp on his name forever.

Yes, will do

For sure, I was just quite nervous. I never opened up to anyone, more like nobody ever cared or listened. So it was the first time for me. I did not mean it to come across as manipulative or deceitful. Just anxious. I will speak to her properly in the next session. I just wanted to see if it would be okay if that makes sense.

Yes, you are right. I just felt nervous as it was my first time. I didn’t know what to expect. I’m very sorry for what you went through, I really hope things are better now and you are improving. From next session onwards, I’ll speak freely, I feel like she will listen. Well she will, it’s her job. Living the rest of my life like this is the true idea of frightening. Better to speak while I have the chance.

I haven’t dated anyone. I’ve never had a boyfriend. Whoever wants to “date” only wants to have me for one thing then leave me. So I have always been wary of that. The most anyone showed closest to love was that experience of that guy I had which I stated. I thought he loved me but he doesn’t. As for my culture, it doesn’t restrict me in any way. If anything, it should have come to an advantage. In my culture, men are supposed to provide. Women can work if they want to but it’s their choice, and they keep all their money. They don’t have that obligation or responsibility to provide for the family as it is the man’s job. They live life on easy mode financially. However, because of the situation. My brother does not care, if anything he takes from my mother who struggles. I don’t have my father in my life all the time. So I’m the one who is next and my mother’s hope. That’s why I can’t let her down. I wouldn’t say I’ve necessary locked myself away. I still try my best and I study. More like a prison within myself. There’s just something inside me that makes me feel that way. As I’ve read above, most possibly due to trauma. There are many things I haven’t listed as I didn’t want the thread to get too long, but let’s just say brother messed me up big time. I mention God a lot, because I have a lot of faith in him. He picked me up when I couldn’t get up myself. He listened when nobody did. Also, the reason why I’m here today is because of him otherwise I would’ve ended it a long time ago. My religion doesn’t restrict me, rather elevates me. If somebody asks me what makes me strong?, I would say it is God himself. It is sadly the situation of my household. My brother isn’t on a pedestal. He put himself “above” others by taking advantage of strength and his so called responsibility. Which he doesn’t seem to even bother about.

Very true. It’s something I’m progressively working on. Also, I find that generosity is something that makes me feel good. Your words are very inspiring.

Thank you so much for your words, you are so kind. Yes, I do try to involve myself more in different situations, I also do go to art galleries and libraries but I always stay by myself. Even at university. I stay away from people, but people look at me like I’m strange because I don’t appear to be someone who is a loner. At least that’s what I think. Sometimes I smile at some girls in university but they don’t smile back so I feel embarrassed. On my post, I stated how I hate to be embarrassed. I’ll actually do anything to not feel that way. It makes me want to die and I’d rather be miserable forever than be embarrassed. I remember my brother would embarrass me in front of people and say I’m nothing special, and I’m nothing special to God. I really hate embarrassment. If somebody interacts with me, it’s some guys who have bad intentions and I hate it. However, I’m still trying. Today I’m feeling quite happy. Somebody accepted me for a part time job Now I can earn money and make my mother comfortable. That’s all I ever wanted. I don’t know about myself anymore. I’m a lost person.

Thank you so much, I don’t know why but I just tear up reading your kind words, and others’ words as well. It makes me feel better but I also feel guilty having sympathy from strangers online. I went to the session but I felt very weird, I don’t know. A bit uncomfortable. I did the exact same thing as you I believe, I began to make it out as if I’m better than I am, so I can appear stronger. I think it’s out of habit. I have a feeling she could see through me. I’m that type of person you can see all my emotions through my face. I have a very sad face all the time. Bless her, I could see she was trying to make me feel comfortable. Next session is on Monday. I don’t know, I’ll see how it goes. I really need to stop with this crying problem I have. I’ll be normal then I have to quickly go somewhere and hide and break down. That horrible feeling in my chest comes after, I don’t know why, I feel like my brother is following me. It scares me. It’s okay, I’ll try to manage.

Yes, I feel like isolation is the thing that’s killing me. I just hope that this time someone listens to me. I went to uni and contacted the mental health advisor, she said she’ll speak to me on Wednesday. I hope it goes fine. I never had anyone to listen. Thank you so much for your words, and to others too, it gives me a lot more comfort than I expected. I don’t know but you have all given me guidance, and better advice than anyone.

For sure, I’ll just be true to myself. Take each day as it comes. It’s looking harder each day but I have nothing to do but to manage. I want to work a lot to have money and distract myself. Study hard as well. Thank you for your words, they have really helped.

Sometimes I just think it’s better to be numb and emotionless than be gentle. I now know that nobody will come to save me. Whatever I do, I’ll have to do it alone. I don’t know what type of fantasy I thought would happen, that the guy would come and see me and take care of me. I will never have that. Thank you for your kind words, I still do dream of being a successful lawyer and I study towards that, I’m afraid the lack of money for fees will come in my way. I’ve already mentally prepared myself for that downfall. I still look for a job, because there’s no money on the side for me. It was all spent on my brother. I think I’ve always felt that way because nobody ever listened to me, so I feel it’s shameful. If anything, if I ever told anyone something - the relationship would turn awkward and they would distant from me. That’s why I made up the lies to the guy that my life is good and comfortable. I feel like people don’t want to associate themselves with someone who has negativity in their life. Well, it didn’t even work because he still lost interest. It’s just me, I’m the issue. I don’t know why though. Surprisingly, I’ve found more comfort in your replies/and other people than I ever have before. Crazy how strangers can relate more than the ones you are closest to.

I feel like I’m so weak because I hold on to every slight pain that inflicts me. I try my best to be strong for my family and mainly my mother, she has been through so much and she deserves that one child who will be her peace. I think that’s the only thing that drives me. Sometimes thoughts do come into my head about ending myself, but I know that I just cannot do that. Forget myself, I’ll be doing my mother an injustice. This world is like a prison. I live my days alone, I don’t know why I feel better like that. Everything I have been through has made me a kinder person. Quite too kind that people try to take advantage of me. Quite too kind that I fall for traps and end up thinking someone actually wants me. It’s better and safer to be alone. Your words inspire me, I’m not anything inspirational. I’m just a girl who is second choice. Never the better one.

Thank you so much for your words. They’ve helped me a lot. I’m not sure if anyone has ever told you this, but you’re a very comforting person. I’ve been feeling like that ever since childhood. I don’t know why. Every time I looked for help because of what my brother was doing to me, everyone seemed to brush it off or try and act like it’s nothing serious. I don’t know but it feels as if this fear and trauma has ruined my life. It’s changed me as a person. It’s comforting knowing that you understand me. Yes it’s very hard for me, but I’m just surviving. I feel like my youth is wasted. Just taking it one day at a time. I hope one day things will be better. For us both.

I’m very glad everything worked out good for you. My university is very serious about mental health so there must be qualified professionals there. Thank you so much for your help.

That’s even better, thank you!

Yes, I will definitely have a look with my university. As for clubs, I’m sure there are some which I can attend however I’m very shy and I don’t know how to make a true friend. I tend to stay away from guys because their intentions scare me. As for girls, they seem to get bored of me because I’m very reserved. However, when I do meet anyone - I’m sure to put on an act that everything is okay and I’m happy. I always hide everything. I’ll have a look at clubs too. Maybe it’ll be good for me. As for the online stranger, I think you mean the boy that I love. I think because I never had my father, my uncle doesn’t care and my brother was bad to me - I become very attached to a man who shows a slight bit of care for me. It can be very dangerous. However, I’m smarter in real life. I stay away because I know myself. However, this time was an exception. I don’t know why I began to love him. I thought he would save me. I don’t know, that stuff makes you stupid. I learned my lesson for that. You are so kind, thank you for taking your time to reply.

Okay, I wasn’t aware of that. That reassures me a lot. I will try my best to find counselling with my university and after I’ve saved up, attend professional therapy. You are so kind, thank you so much.

Okay, I’ll try to find a good one. I need a job first to be able to pay for it. I don’t have many savings because when I had a job I gave all my money to my mother. My brother only takes from her and makes it hard for us. So I’ll be sure to do that. Thank you so much.

Thank you for taking your time to read, yes I have thought about counselling but I’m afraid to share what happened. The thing is, I want to be a lawyer one day and I’m afraid if I attend therapy or counselling sessions, they’ll keep it on my health check records or something and it’ll affect my future. I don’t know. I’m also very ashamed. I just keep it all inside myself. I’ll be sure to look for some resources available in my university. I don’t really know what else to do. It’s very draining.

Thank you very much for taking your time to read, I’m not too sure. I’ll have a look and see if it does. It is quite a higher end university so it should do. The thing is, I’m very ashamed and embarrassed of people knowing. I don’t know why.

Okay so this is going to be a long one, if you happen to read the whole thing I would be so grateful. I’m a 21 year old girl (or shall I say woman now). My whole life has been pretty weird. I’ve grown up without my father in my life most of the time however my parents aren’t divorced. He didn’t leave us and sends money whenever he can but my parents have a weird relationship, I don’t know how to explain. Despite him not being here, I have a lot of love and respect for him. For both of my parents. In my childhood, I was a lonely person, I used to cry a lot and I didn’t have many friends. I was very shy and this continued into my teen years. As I grew up I began to feel like an outcast. I grew up with 2 girls who were my closest friends but I was always the one on the side. I knew they were closer to each other because they would choose each other for everything and leave me. I have two girl cousins who I am similar in age to and it’s the same story. I’ve always been on the side. I think that’s why I don’t like to stay in a friendship circle because I always get left out. The very few friends I have are just singular if that makes sense, no group. I have a brother and a sister. My brother is close in age to me (24) and my sister is much older (37). She’s married with 3 kids. My brother had issues in his childhood and probably some type of personality disorder god knows. Throughout my teen years he was horrible to me. It started from age 16. He would hit me and beat me up, take my phone and put it on a screen time where I could only use it for one hour a day. He would verbally abuse me and make me insane. I began to have panic attacks and pull my hair out because I felt like he was always watching me. I don’t like to talk about it too much, it makes me sad. I would have bruises on my arms and go to school and hide it from everyone. I had a few more friends then and they made me very happy but they’re all gone now. We’ve all gotten older and have gone to different universities so we lost contact. They didn’t know anything I was going through at home but I pray for them everyday because they helped me unknowingly. Especially after the two close friends I had ditched me. Anyway, the idea of my brother made me so scared. I knew how his footsteps sounded so when I would hear them my heart would jump and my chest would begin to hurt. I have this type of feeling in my chest whenever I feel sad or embarrassed. I absolutely hate the feeling of embarrassment. I would rather be miserable than be embarrassed. It gives me this heavy pain in the left side of my chest. That’s another reason why I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t want anyone to know what was happening to me at home. There were many days where I wanted to run away and leave home and I did but I was 16, stupid and broke. Even worse, vulnerable. I would sit on the bus and sit there for hours until it reached the end of the station. Then I would go on to another bus to which I didn’t even know the location it was going to and sit there until it reached the end. I would keep doing that until they would stop for the night and I was forced to come back home. I didn’t have any real friends or anywhere to go to. You might be thinking what was my mum doing knowing all of this, she did nothing. She knew what was happening to me but she didn’t have the power to do anything. She could have called the police or something but she would never do that to her son. She didn’t want her children to be in trouble. So she tried to help me in other ways, but he had power over her in a sense as well I guess. I told my sister I was suffering and she sympathised me and told me to stay at hers, but her husband made me feel very awkward and uncomfortable so I didn’t like to stay there and I stayed home instead. My brother is very toxic and gave me a lot of pain in my life. My father was absent for majority of my life. My only uncle (my mums brother) is a rich man with a family and busy with them. I forgot to tell you, my family is struggling financially. It’s mainly my mother balancing everything on her shoulders and she’s 59 years old. She shouldn’t even be working. We barely make ends meet. It makes me feel very stressed. There has never been a man in my life that was good to me. It hurts me a lot. I have so much to say but I don’t even know if anyone will read it. I wasn’t very beautiful during my teen years. Only at age 20 I began to become quite pretty. My mother was struggling a lot so I got a job in a phone contract shop (I won’t say which one). There I met lots of different people and I noticed men began to try to flirt with me. It’s never been in my character to flirt with random men because I’m quite a modest and shy person. There was one manager who showed he cared about me a lot but at the end he just wanted to try to use me and I left the shop knowing it’s not good there. I have never had a boyfriend or man. I’m a very soft person and people have tried to take advantage of me. I don’t know, I’m very broken and the pain and fear of what my brother did to me stays in my heart. I’m very lonely and I don’t like to get too close to people. My mother is drowning in loans and doesn’t have any money for me (I’m in university now and I want to do law). Whatever money she had, she invested it in her son and he ended up throwing it back in her face by not studying and going down the wrong path. I pray god guides him but I want to stay away from him. I have always been second choice. It has made me a very sad person. I don’t trust people easily, but I love my cat mishi. I’m very kind to animals. There is so so much more to say but I’m afraid this will just get too long so I will leave it. I left my job and I’m still studying in university. I try to find ways to make money on the side but nothing works. I’m very tired and I become sleepy often, I feel as if I’m depressed and unwell now. I don’t know how to explain it. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live. I just pray god takes me when he’s happy with me, because I don’t feel any urge to live in this world. I don’t find it sad. Just for me it is what it is. There was one guy who I met online. He was the first guy who made me feel special. He said I’m so different to other girls and he said I’m beautiful. The usual stuff I guess. He would call me multiple times a day and this is the first time a guy ever did that for me. He would ask me how I am and ask about my family and really showed interest. For the first time I felt loved. Like I wasn’t a second choice. He was one year younger than me but I ignored it because he seemed mature. He had his own business and I remember saying don’t let me get in the way, you have your priorities. He told me I’m his priority. He showed me pictures of his mother and sisters on Snapchat. I really adored him and I felt he understood how soft I was. I saw how he began to speak softly with me because he understood. I opened my closed heart for him. My broken heart. He would make plans for me to meet him and eat somewhere and I said after my exams which were in one week. didn’t tell him my family or life situation because I didn’t want to scare him away. I wanted him to think I was a comfortable girl with a good life and good standards so he wouldn’t feel like something is wrong. I lied to him and said my brother is good to me and buys me gifts. I just wanted him to feel like my family is good so nothing will be bad if we are serious and everything will be okay. Since my life is very messy and I don’t have anyone to turn to, I began to depend on him for happiness. I felt that even if everything is crashing down at least I have one person who cares for me. I don’t know, all I ever wanted was real love. After a month, he suddenly stopped and lost interest in me. I would ask him is everything okay and he said he’s very busy. He would apologise and say business is good and he has a lot of customers. I understood that and didn’t want to be a burden. However, I would see he was always online and doing other things without opening my messages. He also stopped calling me. It made me feel very bad. He would leave me on delivered for nearly 7 hours. He never spoke about meeting me again either. When he first told me he would meet me, I had some money saved up and I bought a new dress with some money I had saved just so I can have something beautiful to wear for him. So he would find me beautiful. I tried my best to be understanding, also because I was scared to lose the only person who ever showed me love. He then told me he doesn’t think he’s the right guy for me because he can’t give me any attention that I need. I told him it’s okay and please don’t say these things but I could feel he lost interest in me. He follows many girls on his Instagram and posts TikTok’s showing his cars and things about girls. I was just another girl to him, but he doesn’t know what he did to me. He doesn’t know how I grew up in a painful childhood. With fear. I just wanted to be safe. He made me feel safe. God I can’t stop crying while typing this. I’m very sorry if this all sounds pathetic. I’m just very gentle, I know there are many people in worse hardships than me. But to a weak person, this is a lot. I never asked God for much. But this time this hurt me too much. I was just a game to him. I thought he would love me, I don’t even know what I thought, maybe that he would save me too. It was very cruel of him to do this. I can understand why he lost interest in me. He is very confident, flirtatious, drives two cars, has a business, has many girls following him. I’m a loner, second choice, I don’t know how to make money, I read books and I’m very gentle and emotional. I’m an average person. I feel like I was lovebombed. He’s forgotten about me and because he’s in my contacts, his social media videos come up on my page and I see them talk about girls and his car. Meanwhile, I’m just here broken. It’s broken me so much that it’s woken me up to pray, work out and try my best in studies so I can have money to help my mother. I try my best not to show anybody my pain, but when I’m alone I just break down. Nobody wants to listen and nobody can do anything for me anyway. I don’t think anyone will ever love me. Nobody wants me, I’m second choice. I’m currently looking for another job, I feel tired to work, I’m trying to get stronger being at the gym but I’m a gentle girl. I become tired easily. I continue to study and my father managed to send some money for me to do my driving so I will start that soon with gods help. I will try to save up for a car so my heart doesn’t break again when I see my mum carrying shopping home. It is all too much for me. I’m a very broken person. I have a lot more pain to say but it hurts so I will leave it. I just wanted some advice, any advice how to be stronger? I cannot be a soft, gentle girl I am. It won’t work because this world is breaking me. I need to be stronger mentally and physically to help my mother. I can’t wish for love anymore. I don’t know any man who is good to me. I just need to earn money and help my mum. I want to die young. If I can get my mother financially free, and be a good person. Then I wish for god to take me that very day it’s all achieved. If anyone can give me some advice, on how to earn money, or how to be stronger mentally and physically, please do so. I go to the gym and have started to lift weights, but I’m progressing bit by bit. I feel weak to lift too heavy. Mentally, I’m broken. Financially, I have to find a way because my brother will do nothing for us. My parents are old and I can’t let them down. Maybe this isn’t the time for love. I couldn’t get it even if I wanted.