Reyna2002

That reminds me, earlier I said my brother isn’t on a pedestal. Now that I think of it, the reason why my mother never told anyone and let this continue with me is because she thought one day her “only beloved son” would turn out okay and she didn’t want to ruin his life by reporting him to the police or telling someone. She basically didn’t want to dig a hole that he wouldn’t be able to climb out of later in his life. This IS due to culture as she only has one son and she doesn’t want anything to happen to him. That is certainly a reason why she sort of put him over me in that situation. He was taking all sorts of drugs and dealing them at that time too. So if he got reported then, he would’ve had that stamp on his name forever.

Yes, will do

For sure, I was just quite nervous. I never opened up to anyone, more like nobody ever cared or listened. So it was the first time for me. I did not mean it to come across as manipulative or deceitful. Just anxious. I will speak to her properly in the next session. I just wanted to see if it would be okay if that makes sense.

Yes, you are right. I just felt nervous as it was my first time. I didn’t know what to expect. I’m very sorry for what you went through, I really hope things are better now and you are improving. From next session onwards, I’ll speak freely, I feel like she will listen. Well she will, it’s her job. Living the rest of my life like this is the true idea of frightening. Better to speak while I have the chance.

I haven’t dated anyone. I’ve never had a boyfriend. Whoever wants to “date” only wants to have me for one thing then leave me. So I have always been wary of that. The most anyone showed closest to love was that experience of that guy I had which I stated. I thought he loved me but he doesn’t. As for my culture, it doesn’t restrict me in any way. If anything, it should have come to an advantage. In my culture, men are supposed to provide. Women can work if they want to but it’s their choice, and they keep all their money. They don’t have that obligation or responsibility to provide for the family as it is the man’s job. They live life on easy mode financially. However, because of the situation. My brother does not care, if anything he takes from my mother who struggles. I don’t have my father in my life all the time. So I’m the one who is next and my mother’s hope. That’s why I can’t let her down. I wouldn’t say I’ve necessary locked myself away. I still try my best and I study. More like a prison within myself. There’s just something inside me that makes me feel that way. As I’ve read above, most possibly due to trauma. There are many things I haven’t listed as I didn’t want the thread to get too long, but let’s just say brother messed me up big time. I mention God a lot, because I have a lot of faith in him. He picked me up when I couldn’t get up myself. He listened when nobody did. Also, the reason why I’m here today is because of him otherwise I would’ve ended it a long time ago. My religion doesn’t restrict me, rather elevates me. If somebody asks me what makes me strong?, I would say it is God himself. It is sadly the situation of my household. My brother isn’t on a pedestal. He put himself “above” others by taking advantage of strength and his so called responsibility. Which he doesn’t seem to even bother about.

Very true. It’s something I’m progressively working on. Also, I find that generosity is something that makes me feel good. Your words are very inspiring.

Thank you so much for your words, you are so kind. Yes, I do try to involve myself more in different situations, I also do go to art galleries and libraries but I always stay by myself. Even at university. I stay away from people, but people look at me like I’m strange because I don’t appear to be someone who is a loner. At least that’s what I think. Sometimes I smile at some girls in university but they don’t smile back so I feel embarrassed. On my post, I stated how I hate to be embarrassed. I’ll actually do anything to not feel that way. It makes me want to die and I’d rather be miserable forever than be embarrassed. I remember my brother would embarrass me in front of people and say I’m nothing special, and I’m nothing special to God. I really hate embarrassment. If somebody interacts with me, it’s some guys who have bad intentions and I hate it. However, I’m still trying. Today I’m feeling quite happy. Somebody accepted me for a part time job Now I can earn money and make my mother comfortable. That’s all I ever wanted. I don’t know about myself anymore. I’m a lost person.

Thank you so much, I don’t know why but I just tear up reading your kind words, and others’ words as well. It makes me feel better but I also feel guilty having sympathy from strangers online. I went to the session but I felt very weird, I don’t know. A bit uncomfortable. I did the exact same thing as you I believe, I began to make it out as if I’m better than I am, so I can appear stronger. I think it’s out of habit. I have a feeling she could see through me. I’m that type of person you can see all my emotions through my face. I have a very sad face all the time. Bless her, I could see she was trying to make me feel comfortable. Next session is on Monday. I don’t know, I’ll see how it goes. I really need to stop with this crying problem I have. I’ll be normal then I have to quickly go somewhere and hide and break down. That horrible feeling in my chest comes after, I don’t know why, I feel like my brother is following me. It scares me. It’s okay, I’ll try to manage.

Yes, I feel like isolation is the thing that’s killing me. I just hope that this time someone listens to me. I went to uni and contacted the mental health advisor, she said she’ll speak to me on Wednesday. I hope it goes fine. I never had anyone to listen. Thank you so much for your words, and to others too, it gives me a lot more comfort than I expected. I don’t know but you have all given me guidance, and better advice than anyone.

For sure, I’ll just be true to myself. Take each day as it comes. It’s looking harder each day but I have nothing to do but to manage. I want to work a lot to have money and distract myself. Study hard as well. Thank you for your words, they have really helped.

Sometimes I just think it’s better to be numb and emotionless than be gentle. I now know that nobody will come to save me. Whatever I do, I’ll have to do it alone. I don’t know what type of fantasy I thought would happen, that the guy would come and see me and take care of me. I will never have that. Thank you for your kind words, I still do dream of being a successful lawyer and I study towards that, I’m afraid the lack of money for fees will come in my way. I’ve already mentally prepared myself for that downfall. I still look for a job, because there’s no money on the side for me. It was all spent on my brother. I think I’ve always felt that way because nobody ever listened to me, so I feel it’s shameful. If anything, if I ever told anyone something - the relationship would turn awkward and they would distant from me. That’s why I made up the lies to the guy that my life is good and comfortable. I feel like people don’t want to associate themselves with someone who has negativity in their life. Well, it didn’t even work because he still lost interest. It’s just me, I’m the issue. I don’t know why though. Surprisingly, I’ve found more comfort in your replies/and other people than I ever have before. Crazy how strangers can relate more than the ones you are closest to.

I feel like I’m so weak because I hold on to every slight pain that inflicts me. I try my best to be strong for my family and mainly my mother, she has been through so much and she deserves that one child who will be her peace. I think that’s the only thing that drives me. Sometimes thoughts do come into my head about ending myself, but I know that I just cannot do that. Forget myself, I’ll be doing my mother an injustice. This world is like a prison. I live my days alone, I don’t know why I feel better like that. Everything I have been through has made me a kinder person. Quite too kind that people try to take advantage of me. Quite too kind that I fall for traps and end up thinking someone actually wants me. It’s better and safer to be alone. Your words inspire me, I’m not anything inspirational. I’m just a girl who is second choice. Never the better one.

Thank you so much for your words. They’ve helped me a lot. I’m not sure if anyone has ever told you this, but you’re a very comforting person. I’ve been feeling like that ever since childhood. I don’t know why. Every time I looked for help because of what my brother was doing to me, everyone seemed to brush it off or try and act like it’s nothing serious. I don’t know but it feels as if this fear and trauma has ruined my life. It’s changed me as a person. It’s comforting knowing that you understand me. Yes it’s very hard for me, but I’m just surviving. I feel like my youth is wasted. Just taking it one day at a time. I hope one day things will be better. For us both.

I’m very glad everything worked out good for you. My university is very serious about mental health so there must be qualified professionals there. Thank you so much for your help.

That’s even better, thank you!