Broken and Depressed

[Mochi28]

One of my first memories growing up was of my mum crying. I soon learned from her that my dad cheated on her when she was pregnant with me. Growing up she talked about it a lot in front of me. 
 

I met my dad for the first time when I was 6. The reason for this was that he immigrated to another country just before I was born. When I was 6, he finally got his visa and was able to sponsor me and my mum so we immigrated shortly thereafter. My dad ended the affair of course but my mum talked about it a lot. I think she did it to remind him of what he had put her through. 

Another one of my distinct childhood memories was of my mum’s affair partner before my mum and I immigrated. I can’t recall and don’t know when the affair started but it would have been after my dad left. Her affair partner basically lived with us and made me call him dad. It was really messed up. My mum was still in contact (long distance) with him for several years after we immigrated. She then had another affair with another man while my dad was busy working providing for the family. Her excuse for her behaviour was that my dad cheated on her when she was pregnant and that he deserved to be cheated on. Growing up I wondered why my parents were still together. They argued and fought a lot, but went on and had another child i.e. my sister. Regardless of all that mess, my parents didn’t divorce and they’re together to this day. 

I cried a lot growing up, feeling extreme sadness and helplessness about the fights and the arguments my parents were having. I told myself that I would never cheat on my spouse and that if my spouse ever cheated on me, then I’d get out of the relationship immediately. 
 

I told my husband about my childhood and how much I despise cheaters (not that I hate my parents; just that I would not tolerate cheating in my marriage). Anyway, despite knowing all that, he cheated on me 2 years ago (about 8 years into our marriage) with a client. The affair went on for a few months and ended shortly after I found out. I should have kicked him out of the house when I found out but I didn’t because of the kids and money and because I’m weak. Not divorcing him goes against what I believe in but I just wasn’t able to do it. 
 

We fought a lot after I found out about the affair and I mentioned it every now and then which provoked the arguments. Then suddenly this thing clicked and I stopped talking about it with him and we stopped fighting. However I’m reminded of it everyday no matter how busy I am with work and I resent him for it basically everyday. I don’t talk to him about it, and I prefer speaking to him as less as possible. I’m stuck in my marriage; too scared and comfortable to get out of it. I haven’t mentioned about this to my kids. They don’t know about it. I can’t possibly put them through what I went through growing up.
 

What are my options from here? Should I see a psychologist? I feel broken and depressed. 
 

Thank you for reading this. Any advice would be much appreciated. 

 

 

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you are feeling so sad and about your marital situation.  I hope you feel better.  Yes I would definitely find a good therapist.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Mochi28 said:

 Should I see a psychologist? I feel broken and depressed. 

Sorry this is happening. Yes please privately and confidentiality see a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support. You need help navigating all this and that's ok.

 

[Andrina]

I'm sorry this happened to you. There is no reason to bring children into adult problems like sharing reasons for a marriage's demise. What happened with you as a child doesn't need to be repeated with your children.

You're sabotaging yourself, letting a loop run that you are weak and broken. You are not. Begin by changing the reel that goes on in your brain to more positive thoughts, that you've been treated poorly and now you need to do whatever it takes to get yourself into a better way of life.

If you divorced, you just need to tell your children that it was mutually decided that it's for the best. And then agree with your estranged husband to not badmouth each other to the children, as that is abuse, and to bring them into adult matters. Your goal will be to get them used to a new dynamic of a family that shares child custody as pleasantly as possible.

You only have one life on the planet and it's so sad that you would allow yourself to be miserable every day for the rest of your life. Your children love you and want that for you. You are mistaken that not divorcing is in their best interest. They will thrive more with a happier mother. 

Yes, therapy is a good idea, and then begin getting all your ducks in a row and seeking a lawyer. People start over all the time. No, it's not easy, but over time the rewards override all the challenges. Take care.

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Mochi28 said:

What are my options from here? Should I see a psychologist? I feel broken and depressed

Sure, a therapist and also, I'd pursue legal advice from an attorney. This is not the same thing as pursuing a divorce, it's gaining the information you don't have about the family laws in your location.

Your therapist will ask you questions and give you an assessment along with options for a treatment plan, and from there you can ask questions about the steps involved in each plan. Same is true of a family attorney. You can ask a lawyer to assess your options for managing your marriage going forward, along with the best steps to take for each option.

From there, you can operate on real information rather than emotions alone. Knowing your actual options can be a mental safety net. You don't need to make any decisions about your options unless you ever want to, but you'll know what they are, and you can start taking some steps that will position you favorably in the event that you may want to act on an option one day.

[smackie9]

Remember what you just said "I don't know why my parents stayed together." Why are you staying with your husband when you have such resentment and it's killing you even more when you internalize your feelings about it. If you can't forgive him, leave him. Simple as that.

And another thing...if your mom is still alive, you might feel it therapeutic to let her know how her behavior and her life decisions affected you. Even if she dismisses it, at least you had your moment to let her know.