Feeling devastated after breaking up with a guy

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

Like stop overthinking what I did wrong, or what I could do different.

I actually think it's OKAY to introspect when a relationship ends to determine our own role in the breakdown.  Recognize your part, mistakes you made and learn from it.  It takes two after all - to make a relationship and break a relationship.

However, in THIS case, it was not a relationship.  You knew him all of 21 days, and met in person one time.  This wasn't anything even remotely resembling a relationship.

As such, this is something you could learn for the future, IMO.

2 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

There were two instances though when I got fed up by his inconsistency and responded rather coldly to him since I was fed up by his behaviour, but I apologized when it happened a second time and promised him I would speak up about what bothers me from now on.

Again, this was a 3-week interaction.  This early in, when you encounter a behavior you're not happy with, or you feel he isn't treating you the way you want to be treated, rather than confronting him with his inconsistency, behaving coldly and then apologizing --  wish him well and walk!!   Bye.  Next.

My take was that given how utterly controlling and dominant he was/is, he did not like you confronting him or mentioning anything about how his behavior troubled you.  

He wanted you to accept his scraps and go along with his agenda, no matter what that agenda was at any given time.  Hot/cold, push/pull.    Like a puppet.  

Next time this happens so early in (and certainly 21 days would be considered "early in") just NEXT him.  No confronting, no talking, no pushing, no prodding, no pleading for him to be different is going to change a damn thing.

These early stages are for observing his behavior and evaluating if he is the right fit for you.  Here, you didn't like his inconsistency, etc, and you tried to change that, force him to be different.  That never works in my experience.

The time to discuss such issues is after a relationship is established, mutual trust has been established and feelings have been expressed besides his over-the-top lovebombing (google it if you're not familiar with the term), which wasn't real, it was a fantasy as we've been saying.

This takes far longer than a mere three weeks!

Just something to consider for next time...

 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

17 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

Can I ask you something? What are the signs that show that it's safe to continue going out on dates with someone I've recently met?

First and foremost, the other person needs to display respect for you. Not talk down to you, not belittle you, not make demands of you. Not try to control you. 

Secondly and equally important, the other person needs to take their time getting to know you. Not rush. Not future-fake. Not make silly plans when they barely know you. 

Essentially, you need to get a lot better at identifying and not ignoring red flags. This guy came right out the gate blazing with the red flags. 

 

[AGrPerson]

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I actually think it's OKAY to introspect when a relationship ends to determine our own role in the breakdown.  Recognize your part, mistakes you made and learn from it.  It takes two after all - to make a relationship and break a relationship.

However, in THIS case, it was not a relationship.  You knew him all of 21 days, and met in person one time.  This wasn't anything even remotely resembling a relationship.

As such, this is something you could learn from for the future, IMO.

Again, this was a 3-week interaction.  This early in, when you encounter a behavior you're not happy with, or you feel he isn't treating you the way you want to be treated, rather than confronting him with his inconsistency and behaving coldly, wish him well and walk!!   Bye.  Next.

My take was that given how utterly controlling and dominant he was/is, he did not like you confronting him or mentioning anything about how his behavior troubled you.  

He wanted you to accept his scraps and go along with his agenda, no matter what that agenda was at any given time.  Hot/cold, push/pull.    Like a puppet.  

Next time this happens so early in (and certainly 21 days would be considered "early in") just next him.  No confronting, no talking, no pushing, no prodding, no pleading for him to be different is going to change a damn thing.

The time to discuss such issues is after a relationship is established, mutual trust has been established and feelings have been expressed besides his over-the-top  lovebombing (google it if you're not familiar with the term).

This takes far longer than a mere three weeks!

Just something to consider for next time...

 

 

 

You're right, maybe I should have left instead of trying to fix our incompatibility problems.

Yeah he didn't like me expressing my concerns cause it made him sad to know that I have complaints. He would make excuses based on his mental illness, like he is depressed or not in the mood to talk, and postpone the conversation for the next day.

[boltnrun]

Just now, AGrPerson said:

maybe I should have left instead of trying to fix our incompatibility problems.

It shouldn't have even gotten to that point.

He future-faked. He bombarded you with ridiculous promises and plans BEFORE YOU HAD EVEN MET. That is a clear sign this would never, ever last. 

I'm not sure you understand why what he did was such an issue. You seem to be fixated on 'if he behaved badly it was MY fault!" Instead of realizing the ridiculous things he said before he even met you couldn't possibly be your fault. 

[AGrPerson]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

First and foremost, the other person needs to display respect for you. Not talk down to you, not belittle you, not make demands of you. Not try to control you. 

Secondly and equally important, the other person needs to take their time getting to know you. Not rush. Not future-fake. Not make silly plans when they barely know you. 

Essentially, you need to get a lot better at identifying and not ignoring red flags. This guy came right out the gate blazing with the red flags. 

 

Can my attempts to express my concerns about our communication problems be considered as me making demands on him or trying to control him?

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, AGrPerson said:

Can my attempts to express my concerns about our communication problems be considered as me making demands on him or trying to control him?

It doesn't seem "controlling", it seems clingy and desperate. Please consider seeing a therapist for the ruminating and obsessions. You're a 26 year old grown woman. Many of these things are not inexperience but unhealthy refusal to let go. 

[rainbowsandroses]

9 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

You're right, maybe I should have left instead of trying to fix our incompatibility problems.

Yeah he didn't like me expressing my concerns cause it made him sad to know that I have complaints. He would make excuses like he is depressed or not in the mood to talk, and postpone the conversation for the next day.

Bolded, if you learn anything from this unfortunate experience, please learn THAT.  Especially after only three weeks. 

And that when a man comes on this strong before ever even meeting you in person, such man is not right in the head, and will cause you nothing but aggravation and hurt just like you're experiencing now.

I hate to keep harping on this, but seriously just walk away.  Tell him you're not the right fit and wish him well.  There was so much wrong with this entire interaction, from beginning to end.  

Anyway, I am sorry this happened, there is a big lesson to be learned from this experience if you're open to it.

[AGrPerson]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It doesn't seem "controlling", it seems clingy and desperate. Please consider seeing a therapist for the ruminating and obsessions. You're a 26 year old grown woman. Many of these things are not inexperience but unhealthy refusal to let go. 

What would the better approach be? Leaving him?

[AGrPerson]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Bolded, if you learn anything from this unfortunate experience, please learn THAT.  Especially after only three weeks. 

And that when a man comes on this strong before ever even meeting you in person, such man is not right in the head, and will cause you nothing but aggravation and hurt just like you're experiencing now.

I hate to keep harping on this, but seriously just walk away.  Tell him you're not the right fit and wish him well.

There was so much wrong with this entire interaction, from beginning to end.  

Anyway, I am sorry this happened, there is a bit lesson learned from him if you're open to it.

I've already left him and feel a lot better.

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

You're right, maybe I should have left instead of trying to fix our incompatibility problems.

Yeah he didn't like me expressing my concerns cause it made him sad to know that I have complaints. He would make excuses based on his mental illness, like he is depressed or not in the mood to talk, and postpone the conversation for the next day.

You again are referring to this as if it was someone who was a significant other. How many dates did you have ? Also you weren’t exclusive. You don’t “address incompatibility problems “ when the problems are basic lack of manners and respect that began before you even met. Nothing to address. You move on from the person you just met.  

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

What would the better approach be? Leaving him?

You’re not leaving a person in that situation.  You were never with him to leave him. You simply say no thank you if he asks you out for another date. 

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

What would the better approach be? Leaving him?

 

3 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

What would the better approach be? Leaving him?

No.

Not getting involved in the first place would be the right approach.

Realizing a man who future fakes and makes ludicrous promises before you've even met is someone to be avoided.

Can you do me a big favor? Can you reread this entire thread from the beginning? Everyone has already answered your questions. Multiple times. And I'm not saying this to be snarky, but it's been super repetitive for at least two full pages. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 minute ago, AGrPerson said:

I've already left him and feel a lot better.

I know, I meant for the future.  And from what I read, you didn't leave, HE did.

I AM glad you feel better though, that's all that matters.

All the best moving forward!!

[AGrPerson]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

You again are referring to this as if it was someone who was a significant other. How many dates did you have ? Also you weren’t exclusive. You don’t “address incompatibility problems “ when the problems are basic lack of manners and respect that began before you even met. Nothing to address. You move on from the person you just met.  

We went to 2 dates total. Well, in a manner we were exclusive since we had agreed to not date other people while we're going out together. You're right, I should have just left. But because he has said all those things I wanted to try and discuss our issues.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 2/9/2024 at 4:12 PM, AGrPerson said:

The worst thing happened when we planned a date and he got asleep and never came to the date. That's when I decided I had enough and told him to break up. He said that he is sad and that he wanted us to stay together, but he didn't seem sad at all.

@AGrPersonI apologize, I misspoke earlier when I said he left you.  

I just had another read of your original post and read this^^.  This was like the BEST decision you could ever make.  Please do NOT second guess your decision to end it, you did absolutely 100% the right thing.

And I am actually proud of you for doing so, you are A LOT stronger than you give yourself credit for.  Your instincts are good, you just need to learn how to trust yourself more and learn to weed out the bad from the good.

Lovebombing, and the type of controlling, over-the-top, needy, behavior he exhibited are huge red flags!  Especially before ever even meeting!

Something I have learned over the years is that controlling dominant men are NOT strong, they are actually needy and weak which is why they need control.

I used to go for such types myself, but once I realized how WEAK they actually were, it became a complete turn off.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

We went to 2 dates total. Well, in a manner we were exclusive since we had agreed to not date other people while we're going out together. You're right, I should have just left. But because he has said all those things I wanted to try and discuss our issues.

Oh you wrote above he was allowed to date others. Two dates. No there’s no “our issues”. There’s no “our”. Nothing to leave. Just say no to a third date.  Discussion after two dates of “issues”like you described makes no sense. The only issues you might need to “discuss” is if he suggests an activity you dislike or a restaurant that’s too expensive for your budget. Or if your phone died before you could text him that you’re run in late because of a traffic jam so if he’s worried you “discuss” why you couldn’t text.  And apologize. And move on. 
If you find yourself discussing basic stuff he should have learned in kindergarten it’s a non starter. You don’t have any reason or basis to discuss unless it could be a complete misunderstanding like he didn’t call - you’re upset - and it’s because he go bitten by his friend’s dog and had to make sure to get a tetanus shot and treat the wound (yes this happened to me - yes he was mad - pre cell phone)

All these pages in and you’re still in some alternate reality where you want to “discuss” ISSUES all caps with someone you had two dates with. 

[AGrPerson]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh you wrote above he was allowed to date others. Two dates. No there’s no “our issues”. There’s no “our”. Nothing to leave. Just say no to a third date.  Discussion after two dates of “issues”like you described makes no sense. The only issues you might need to “discuss” is if he suggests an activity you dislike or a restaurant that’s too expensive for your budget. Or if your phone died before you could text him that you’re run in late because of a traffic jam so if he’s worried you “discuss” why you couldn’t text.  And apologize. And move on. 
If you find yourself discussing basic stuff he should have learned in kindergarten it’s a non starter. You don’t have any reason or basis to discuss unless it could be a complete misunderstanding like he didn’t call - you’re upset - and it’s because he go bitten by his friend’s dog and had to make sure to get a tetanus shot and treat the wound (yes this happened to me - yes he was mad - pre cell phone)

All these pages in and you’re still in some alternate reality where you want to “discuss” ISSUES all caps with someone you had two dates with. 

He insisted before we even met that we shouldn't see other people since we're serious with each other. 

We've already broken up with each other since he stood me up on our third date.

You're right. There's no point in discussing issues with a stranger I went out with a few times.

[rainbowsandroses]

Just now, AGrPerson said:

He insisted before we even met that we shouldn't see other people since we're serious with each other. 

This^ should have been an immediate NEXT.

May I ask why it wasn't?  You couldn't possibly believe that a man who has never met you could be "serious" about you?

Have you thought about why you were so quick to believe it? 

I really do think a good qualified therapist could help you sort out your feelings about this.

Your thought process is not healthy and actually quite dangerous emotionally.

 

[AGrPerson]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This^ should have been an immediate NEXT.

May I ask why it wasn't?  You couldn't possibly believe that a man who has never met you could be "serious" about you?

Have you thought about why you were so quick to believe it? 

I really do think a good qualified therapist could help you sort out your feelings about this.

Your thought process is not healthy and actually quite dangerous emotionally.

 

Well, I also like focusing on one person at a time when dating and him saying that he wanted us to focus at each other made me think that we have the same values.

I translated the thing of him being "serious" as him wanting to focus on me.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

. We've already broken up with each other since he stood me up on our third date.

You made the right decision ending it when he started fading and stood you up. 

[Capricorn3]

I have to admit after reading your original post and seeing right from the get-go that this guy displayed some really weird behavior (imo), I am struggling to understand why you are still so hung up on him after only 3 weeks of knowing him and one or two dates? 😕

 You dodged a bullet here so it would be very wise to NOT contact him again (as you state in your first post).  Be glad to be done with this weirdo and take it as a lesson learned. Let it go now and move on.

[Sindy_0311]

2 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

Can I ask you something? What are the signs that show that it's safe to continue going out on dates with someone I've recently met?

Sorry you got disappointed

in my opinion, two signs that shows a man is in a healthy place, emotionally available and is genuinely interested in you: consistency AND progression. 

Consistency is something you can only experience through time. Anything that's been said or done by a man is of no value if it's not consistent THROUGH TIME. 

And progression has to go up, slowly. If two people really like each other, their connection will automatically deepen through time. And I'm not speaking about weeks here.
Its been surveyed that men usually needs 3 to 6 month to make up their mind about a woman and get the whole picture of who she is. this is how it usually goes: You first know each other, you spend time, go on a few dates together, then you maybe sleep together and bring up exclusivity (or vice versa), then you become more intimate emotionally, you start to meet friends or family, you mix your worlds together until committing to a serious relationship and putting a label on it... And this whole process cannot be done within 4 weeks. 

In addition to therapy, like suggested above, I recommend you watch some coaches and their YouTube channel, read some articles about dating or listen to some podcasts. I think you have to gain competence. (because dating nowadays requires some serious learning skills.) 

Also suggest you read some of the past threads of this forum... you will learn a lot from them. 

Good luck to you!

 

[AGrPerson]

1 hour ago, Capricorn3 said:

I have to admit after reading your original post and seeing right from the get-go that this guy displayed some really weird behavior (imo), I am struggling to understand why you are still so hung up on him after only 3 weeks of knowing him and one or two dates? 😕

 You dodged a bullet here so it would be very wise to NOT contact him again (as you state in your first post).  Be glad to be done with this weirdo and take it as a lesson learned. Let it go now and move on.

You are right. I shouldn't be so hung up on him... I think it's me reminiscing the first week that has made me stuck on him...

Yeah, I'm not going to contact him. He's not worth my time after how he treated me.

[AGrPerson]

32 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Sorry you got disappointed

in my opinion, two signs that shows a man is in a healthy place, emotionally available and is genuinely interested in you: consistency AND progression. 

Consistency is something you can only experience through time. Anything that's been said or done by a man is of no value if it's not consistent THROUGH TIME. 

And progression has to go up, slowly. If two people really like each other, their connection will automatically deepen through time. And I'm not speaking about weeks here.
Its been surveyed that men usually needs 3 to 6 month to make up their mind about a woman and get the whole picture of who she is. this is how it usually goes: You first know each other, you spend time, go on a few dates together, then you maybe sleep together and bring up exclusivity (or vice versa), then you become more intimate emotionally, you start to meet friends or family, you mix your worlds together until committing to a serious relationship and putting a label on it... And this whole process cannot be done within 4 weeks. 

In addition to therapy, like suggested above, I recommend you watch some coaches and their YouTube channel, read some articles about dating or listen to some podcasts. I think you have to gain competence. (because dating nowadays requires some serious learning skills.) 

Also suggest you read some of the past threads of this forum... you will learn a lot from them. 

Good luck to you!

 

I agree with you on that. I just have one question: In a time where people are going out with multiple people simultaneously how can someone keep progressing with one person while being occupied with several others? Just asking out of curiosity.

[Batya33]

38 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I agree with you on that. I just have one question: In a time where people are going out with multiple people simultaneously how can someone keep progressing with one person while being occupied with several others? Just asking out of curiosity.

I did it by seeing each person once or maybe twice a week and going on first meets.  Typically exclusive within 6-8 weeks.  Didn't have sex before we were exclusive, in love with strong potential for marriage -with rare exception that meant months.  I was in the dating scene for about 24 years on and off in a major city and several serious relationships.  On the whole I was treated with respect and thoughtfulness and always had close platonic male friends too.  Yes I encountered some jerks and some players.  My goal from early on was marriage and family.