Feeling devastated after breaking up with a guy

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, AGrPerson said:

I know I'm going in circles and I truly thank you for your support and kindness. I hope with time I'll feel better. Even now with each passing day I feel less and less attached to him.

I think you were too attached to the idea of having a boyfriend. I was like you as a teenager.  And you don't have to treat someone you just started dating "in the best way possible" Show up on time.  Be Nice.  Look Nice.  Basic stuff.  Keep up your side of the conversation.  Be polite and make good eye contact.  Say thank you if he treats you to coffee or whatever.  Say thank you to the waiter or barrista or whatever.  Are  you a well meaning, kind compassionate person? Then that's all you need to know.  

Do you want just any boyfriend so you can tell yourself Someone Wants Me!!! Or do you want to date another well meaning, kind, compassionate person of character and integrity who you have stuff in common with, laugh at similar things, etc?  Look at the lyrics to Billy Joel's song "you're my house/you're my home" - google it.  You should feel at home with the person especially after a couple of dates -basic sense of comfort.  

[Wiseman2]

Do you have trusted adult friends and family you could speak to about what healthy relationships look like? Please consider consulting a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support and for reorientation as to what healthy relationships are. This was far from it and unfortunately you don't seem to believe it. 

[AGrPerson]

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think you were too attached to the idea of having a boyfriend. I was like you as a teenager.  And you don't have to treat someone you just started dating "in the best way possible" Show up on time.  Be Nice.  Look Nice.  Basic stuff.  Keep up your side of the conversation.  Be polite and make good eye contact.  Say thank you if he treats you to coffee or whatever.  Say thank you to the waiter or barrista or whatever.  Are  you a well meaning, kind compassionate person? Then that's all you need to know.  

Do you want just any boyfriend so you can tell yourself Someone Wants Me!!! Or do you want to date another well meaning, kind, compassionate person of character and integrity who you have stuff in common with, laugh at similar things, etc?  Look at the lyrics to Billy Joel's song "you're my house/you're my home" - google it.  You should feel at home with the person especially after a couple of dates -basic sense of comfort.  

You might be right. I might be too attached to the idea of having a boyfriend.

The truth is I'm always nice and polite to everyone around me, always on time, always present during a conversation. (Though since we were talking every day via phone with that person there were times that I didn't know what to say.) But when the other person is interested too I can keep a conversation going. I'm also compassionate and was every day there for him when he felt down. (He has a mental health problem which he treats by taking antidepressants).

There were two instances though when I got fed up by his inconsistency and responded rather coldly to him since I was fed up by his behaviour, but I apologized when it happened a second time and promised him I would speak up about what bothers me from now on.

The thing is I never felt "at home" with him. Every day was a rollercoaster of emotions. I always felt that I gave much more than I got back.

[MrMan1983]

On 2/10/2024 at 12:12 AM, AGrPerson said:

During the first week he would tell me compliments like how beautiful I am, how lucky he is to have met me, making future plans, making plans to meet his parents, insisting that we should go on vacation during the summer, texting consistently and phone calling frequently. All these before our first date. He also set some boundaries like we won't be talking, or going out with other people.

During our first date he said that after a month it would be a good time to start a relationship with each other. All these happened consistently during the first week (compliments, texting and calling).

Wow, this guy sounds proper weird. The only commitment before meeting should to be the first date to see how you get along, someone planning much beyond that is always getting ahead of themselves because you never know how it will be till you've met in life and even then it takes plenty of dates to really get to know someone. Next time someone love bombs in advance of meeting I would take a swerve. I would also in future just try and focus on the date and not think much past that at first, will save potential attachment/disappointments which are common with online dating/dating in general.

May I ask what age you are OP and what situation you are in (eg. fresh out of a long term relationship, or young and new to dating?) because you mentioned not having any experience with dating so it may help us understand a bit more as I'm surprised the first date went ahead with the intense way he was acting and the things he was saying. It's worrying as there were a lot of red flags there and he does not sound stable.

If you're out of a long term relationship and coming back to dating you will probably notice you will end up with plenty of 'first date' options in time which will hopefully help you be more confident with valuing your time more and screening certain guys out.

Another thing I would suggest is not using so much texting and focussing on the meeting up with maybe the odd check in, hear SO many problems arise on this forum with situations where people are texting all day about not much and using it as a way of gauging interest. Take that out the equation and it's a lot less stressful.

[AGrPerson]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you have trusted adult friends and family you could speak to about what healthy relationships look like? Please consider consulting a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support and for reorientation as to what healthy relationships are. This was far from it and unfortunately you don't seem to believe it. 

Yes I've spoken about this to my family and friends and they've all agreed that what we had with that guy wasn't healthy. I know what a healthy relationship is like, since my parents have a wonderful relationship with each other, rarely fighting and always supporting one another. I'm considering consulting a therapist to help me.

[Batya33]

Just now, AGrPerson said:

You might be right. I might be too attached to the idea of having a boyfriend.

The truth is I'm always nice and polite to everyone around me, always on time, always present during a conversation. (Though since we were talking every day via phone with that person there were times that I didn't know what to say.) But when the other person is interested too I can keep a conversation going. I'm also compassionate and was every day there for him when he felt down. (He has a mental health problem which he treats by taking antidepressants).

The thing is I never felt "at home" with him. Every day was a rollercoaster of emotions. I always felt that I gave much more than I got back.

Yes but why did you feel like you had to treat this brand new person "in the best way possible?" And why talk daily on the phone? You weren't even exclusive yet right -why be so available to a new person? And no you don't need to be there for a person with mental health issues in that context - unless it is your job or volunteer work if a person wants to date you and get to know you - go on dates.  Let that person get mental health support from his friends and family and mental health providers.  A person you're newly dating should not lean on you because he feels down from mental health problems.  

Story -in college a guy I'd known since high school was feeling down and not knowing where to go with his life -1980s.  We spoke on the phone daily for weeks and I had such a crush -figured out his class schedule and would try to run into him.  He didn't ask me out -he enjoyed how supportive I was.

Then he stopped calling. He met a woman on his co-ed sports team and started dating her.  Last I checked they'd been happily married for decades. Don't mistake wanting to talk to you daily and use you as a sounding board as interest in dating you or seeing you as potentially a serious girlfriend.

[AGrPerson]

4 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

Wow, this guy sounds proper weird. The only commitment before meeting should to be the first date to see how you get along, someone planning much beyond that is always getting ahead of themselves because you never know how it will be till you've met in life and even then it takes plenty of dates to really get to know someone. Next time someone love bombs in advance of meeting I would take a swerve. I would also in future just try and focus on the date and not think much past that at first, will save potential attachment/disappointments which are common with online dating/dating in general.

May I ask what age you are OP and what situation you are in (eg. fresh out of a long term relationship, or young and new to dating?) because you mentioned not having any experience with dating so it may help us understand a bit more as I'm surprised the first date went ahead with the intense way he was acting and the things he was saying. It's worrying as there were a lot of red flags there and he does not sound stable.

If you're out of a long term relationship and coming back to dating you will probably notice you will end up with plenty of 'first date' options in time which will hopefully help you be more confident with valuing your time more and screening certain guys out.

I'm 26. I was prioritizing my studies which resulted in me pushing back my dating life. I started going to dates about a year and a half ago. I've met some people but in all cases either I or the other person weren't interested to further keep seeing each other. It was just the first someone showed so much interest, and since I was interested too I thought that maybe he was the one I could have a proper relationship with.

[AGrPerson]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes but why did you feel like you had to treat this brand new person "in the best way possible?" And why talk daily on the phone? You weren't even exclusive yet right -why be so available to a new person? And no you don't need to be there for a person with mental health issues in that context - unless it is your job or volunteer work if a person wants to date you and get to know you - go on dates.  Let that person get mental health support from his friends and family and mental health providers.  A person you're newly dating should not lean on you because he feels down from mental health problems.  

Story -in college a guy I'd known since high school was feeling down and not knowing where to go with his life -1980s.  We spoke on the phone daily for weeks and I had such a crush -figured out his class schedule and would try to run into him.  He didn't ask me out -he enjoyed how supportive I was.

Then he stopped calling. He met a woman on his co-ed sports team and started dating her.  Last I checked they'd been happily married for decades. Don't mistake wanting to talk to you daily and use you as a sounding board as interest in dating you or seeing you as potentially a serious girlfriend.

Well, he was the one insisting about texting and calling via phone every day and I agreed to his terms. He also insisted on not seeing other people while going out with each other. Since he also showered me with compliments and future talked so much, I thought he was serious about me.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I'm 26. I was prioritizing my studies which resulted in me pushing back my dating life. I started going to dates about a year and a half ago. I've met some people but in all cases either I or the other person weren't interested to further keep seeing each other. It was just the first someone showed so much interest, and since I was interested too I thought that maybe he was the one I could have a proper relationship with.

But he wasn't showing interest in you as a person, right?

[AGrPerson]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

But he wasn't showing interest in you as a person, right?

That is true. He wanted "someone to support him and be there for him". That's what he said to me.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, AGrPerson said:

Well, he was the one insisting about texting and calling via phone every day and I agreed to his terms. He also insisted on not seeing other people while going out with each other. Since he also showered me with compliments and future talked so much, I thought he was serious about me.

I responded to this above.  It's very concerning that you're still harping on what this stranger insisted on.  It's very concerning that you reacted to being showered with compliments by a stranger in this way.

[AGrPerson]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I responded to this above.  It's very concerning that you're still harping on what this stranger insisted on.  It's very concerning that you reacted to being showered with compliments by a stranger in this way.

Well, knowing me I'm not that surprised. I'm somewhat of a "people-pleaser" and it's difficult for me to set boundaries and say no. I'm working on that but it's not that easy to break a habit that I have since I was a child.

[boltnrun]

Just now, AGrPerson said:

Well, knowing me I'm not that surprised. I'm somewhat of a "people-pleaser" and it's difficult for me to set boundaries and say no. I'm working on that but it's not that easy to break a habit that I have since I was a child.

Google "codependency". No, it doesn't mean being overly entwined with your partner. It means bring willing to do just about anything and put up with anything to try to get someone to love you. Also see if there are CODA groups you can attend. 

Definitely a therapist if you would like additional help. 

[Batya33]

Just now, AGrPerson said:

That is true. He wanted "someone to support him and be there for him". That's what he said to me.

So does everyone at certain points -like my husband was sick last week. Like when I had my first interview after 7 years as a SAHM.  Like when I went into early labor with our son. Depends what it means, depends if it is recirprocal, depends if that is the sum total of what that person desires in a long term partner.  I'd never say that to a new person first because -everyone has that desire at some point so he likely is a special case to have to say that and also how heavy and boring when you're getting to know someone new.  

On our first lunch date ever my husband asked me why I chose the career we each had. That was his serious question and he asked for a good reason. On our first meet up after breaking up for 7 years we talked about our friends' holiday cards, our love of chocolate pudding (he shared his with me at dessert), and caught each other up on family and friend anecdotes.  We had a serious discussion on our third meet up - because he wanted to get back together.  So did I.  That discussion took about three minutes. When you both want to be together you don't need to remind the other person you need someone to be there -that's kind of a given if you decide to be involved seriously.  If you're just dating your new date shouldn't have to support and be there for you and since it's so obvious for a serious couple it's really odd he'd bring it up.

[AGrPerson]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Google "codependency". No, it doesn't mean being overly entwined with your partner. It means bring willing to do just about anything and put up with anything to try to get someone to love you. Also see if there are CODA groups you can attend. 

Definitely a therapist if you would like additional help. 

Thank you for your suggestions! I'll definitely check it out.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

Well, knowing me I'm not that surprised. I'm somewhat of a "people-pleaser" and it's difficult for me to set boundaries and say no. I'm working on that but it's not that easy to break a habit that I have since I was a child.

Of course it's not easy.  Breaking habits is really hard. Doesn't mean you give yourself a pass.  I've had to break many bad habits over the last 45-50 years or so.  Like today I have a habit of talking too much when I am stressed.  I was stressed because my son's school bus was really late and my husband had driven us to the stop and my son was sniffly, etc - just no fun.  So instead of doing my habit I kept my mouth shut so my family could sit and relax in the car and be on their phones while I kept a lookout for the late bus.  I have to do what is really hard for the good of my family on a regular basis.  It's worth it.  Are changing your habits worth it to you?

[AGrPerson]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Of course it's not easy.  Breaking habits is really hard. Doesn't mean you give yourself a pass.  I've had to break many bad habits over the last 45-50 years or so.  Like today I have a habit of talking too much when I am stressed.  I was stressed because my son's school bus was really late and my husband had driven us to the stop and my son was sniffly, etc - just no fun.  So instead of doing my habit I kept my mouth shut so my family could sit and relax in the car and be on their phones while I kept a lookout for the late bus.  I have to do what is really hard for the good of my family on a regular basis.  It's worth it.  Are changing your habits worth it to you?

It surely is worth it for me too. It will make my life so much easier. Like stop overthinking what I did wrong, or what I could do different. Learn to set boundaries, stop being a people-pleaser.

[AGrPerson]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So does everyone at certain points -like my husband was sick last week. Like when I had my first interview after 7 years as a SAHM.  Like when I went into early labor with our son. Depends what it means, depends if it is recirprocal, depends if that is the sum total of what that person desires in a long term partner.  I'd never say that to a new person first because -everyone has that desire at some point so he likely is a special case to have to say that and also how heavy and boring when you're getting to know someone new.  

On our first lunch date ever my husband asked me why I chose the career we each had. That was his serious question and he asked for a good reason. On our first meet up after breaking up for 7 years we talked about our friends' holiday cards, our love of chocolate pudding (he shared his with me at dessert), and caught each other up on family and friend anecdotes.  We had a serious discussion on our third meet up - because he wanted to get back together.  So did I.  That discussion took about three minutes. When you both want to be together you don't need to remind the other person you need someone to be there -that's kind of a given if you decide to be involved seriously.  If you're just dating your new date shouldn't have to support and be there for you and since it's so obvious for a serious couple it's really odd he'd bring it up.

Yes I too believe that if he really wanted to be together with me everything would have been much easier and I wouldn't find myself questioning if he's interested or not.

Yeah it's odd that he brought it up. He said it within the context of searching for a serious relationship.

[MissCanuck]

16 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

The thing is I never felt "at home" with him.

Why would you expect to feel "at home" with someone you hardly know anyway?

You talk about this like it was something much longer-term and have lost sight of the fact that you have known him a whole 21 days. He's still practically a stranger to you. 

[Batya33]

53 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

Yes I too believe that if he really wanted to be together with me everything would have been much easier and I wouldn't find myself questioning if he's interested or not.

Yeah it's odd that he brought it up. He said it within the context of searching for a serious relationship.

Right as an offhand comment it’s fine. No one would know with some exception - that soon - that  he really wanted to be with you in any serious way.
He would know if he wanted to go on a date with you. If he wanted to get to know you better. If he wanted those things he would have asked you out on proper dates or responded with enthusiasm to you asking him out on a date.  If he wanted to get to know you and his actions showed that you wouldn’t have had any “effective communication “ issues. Asking out and planning a date is fairly straightforward.  Going on a date and keeping up your side of the conversation is fairly straightforward.
 In rare cases there are communication issues because of logistics or a misunderstanding as to what or when the plan is for that first or second or third date.  Early dating is a time to get to know each other and have fun. If it’s not fun don’t do it. 

[AGrPerson]

6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Why would you expect to feel "at home" with someone you hardly know anyway?

You talk about this like it was something much longer-term and have lost sight of the fact that you have known him a whole 21 days. He's still practically a stranger to you. 

You are right. The thing is it was so intense that I tend to forget how short-term it was. And not having had another relationship before doesn't help either.

Can I ask you something? What are the signs that show that it's safe to continue going out on dates with someone I've recently met?

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Why would you expect to feel "at home" with someone you hardly know anyway?

You talk about this like it was something much longer-term and have lost sight of the fact that you have known him a whole 21 days. He's still practically a stranger to you. 

I mentioned the goal is to feel at home. Early on the goal is to feel comfortable with that person in the sense of feeling normal and natural around this new person. People who want to get to know her will want her to feel comfortable around them. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, AGrPerson said:

You are right. The thing is it was so intense that I tend to forget how short-term it was. And not having had another relationship before doesn't help either.

Can I ask you something? What are the signs that show that it's safe to continue going out on dates with someone I've recently met?

Feeling comfortable and having fun with a person who is well mannered and consistent and reliable. 
Your interactions weren’t intense in any meaningful way. He mentioned heavy topics and you went along with his insistence on constant contact. That’s maybe stressful and intense in quantity but it’s not about getting to know each other in any healthful way. 

[AGrPerson]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Feeling comfortable and having fun with a person who is well mannered and consistent and reliable. 

I see. Well those things were surely missing.

[Batya33]

Just now, AGrPerson said:

I see. Well those things were surely missing.

Right. If they are missing then move on