Feeling terrified to move house

[Gleejelly1]

I’m feeling super stressed and anxious right now. I am moving in a couple of weeks and already feeling such terrible feelings of home sickness even at the thought of the upcoming change.

I have two young children and have lived in our current home for 8 years. We are currently building our new home in a totally new area. Until the house is built we will be renting a small property, much smaller and much more dated abs basic than our current home.

I have a baby so I’m still on maternity leave from work. My daughter is having to move school and so much change is happening all at once and I honestly am so overwhelmed.

im supposed to be going back to work in a months time shortly after we move. Im so worried my daughter won’t settle well into new school, so worried about coping in this new place and so heartsick for my current home.

I know in the long run it will be worth it as we are building our dream home and we always knew this phase of renting would be hard.

im just really struggling now it’s getting so close. Has anyone else done anything like this? 

[Batya33]

Yes.  I relocated 800 miles after 43 years in my home town -a major city- with my 6 month old son to live in a different city where I knew no one with my new husband because of his job. I was a SAHM and unemployed for the first time in 15 years. And I'd had a post partum stroke -recovered but still.  And I was relocating from summer housing -so I moved out of my apartment in May, summer housing in the same city till August, then the relo.   Certainly lots of what ifs!  I'm a fan of prioritize your panic -break it into small baby steps  - and that way you won't be as prone to catastrophize. Do you like the new area? Know people there? Yes changing schools is hard -many of us have had to.  Luckily many kids are really resilient -can you sent up playdates with families in the new area? (My son is 14).

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

-break it into small baby steps  - and that way you won't be as prone to catastrophize.

Yes! One foot in front of the other, Mom. You're a model of how to focus for your children. If you work yourself into stress, they will sense that and pick it up from you.

So? Coach yourself with the same voice you will use on your kids, and keep your eyes directly on today's paper--instead of prematurely inventing unnecessary bridges to cross.

Also, congrAts on your new home! Teach your kids how to be curious, and enjOy!

[Gleejelly1]

Thank you both.

I am trying really hard to focus on what I can achieve each day and trying not to meet trouble had way but just finding it so hard not to overthink and worry. I’m not very good with change and this is just so life changing and a lot all at once. I just feel so unsettled, almost panicked at the thought of what is about to happen. I know I just need to take it one step at a time. 

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, Gleejelly1 said:

Thank you both.

I am trying really hard to focus on what I can achieve each day and trying not to meet trouble had way but just finding it so hard not to overthink and worry. I’m not very good with change and this is just so life changing and a lot all at once. I just feel so unsettled, almost panicked at the thought of what is about to happen. I know I just need to take it one step at a time. 

Yes and I agree be motivated as a role model for your kids.  I'm not good with change either.  Don't try. Do it.  Do you work out? Do you do something like a really brisk walk for at least 20 minutes - like at least a 3-4 miles per hour speed daily? I'd do that and listen to a non-moving/house reno related podcast or dance music or whatever - whether a treadmill or back and forth in a loop near your house - it's really head clearing.

You birthed babies right? So you are good with change LOL right? Make lists and check them off -it's so satisfying -like "buy moving box labels" -really small stuff like that.  

[Gleejelly1]

Yes I do try to do hiit workouts 1-2 times a week and yoga but with being so busy with this move it’s hard to fit it in right now but definitely on my list of coping mechanisms for when we move.

I think the thing that’s making it extra hard is that I love our home, it’s so comfortable and joyful to live in. Of course there are down sides such as size which is why we are doing all this and building our own house which I know will be worth it all in the long run. But we’re not there yet and the house we are  moving to in the interim is just super old and dated and tiny for our family. I know it could be much worse, but I find it hard to be motivated about the move when we’re moving somewhere much less comfortable than where we currently live.

I’ll just have to suck it up i know and it’s a sacrifice to eventually be in our new, spacious home eventually.

I’ll just have to try and be brave 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Gleejelly1 said:

Yes I do try to do hiit workouts 1-2 times a week and yoga but with being so busy with this move it’s hard to fit it in right now but definitely on my list of coping mechanisms for when we move.

I think the thing that’s making it extra hard is that I love our home, it’s so comfortable and joyful to live in. Of course there are down sides such as size which is why we are doing all this and building our own house which I know will be worth it all in the long run. But we’re not there yet and the house we are  moving to in the interim is just super old and dated and tiny for our family. I know it could be much worse, but I find it hard to be motivated about the move when we’re moving somewhere much less comfortable than where we currently live.

I’ll just have to suck it up i know and it’s a sacrifice to eventually be in our new, spacious home eventually.

I’ll just have to try and be brave 

Again it's not about trying. It's doing.  So do the steps you can -don't just put working out on a list. No excuses -even if it's 20 minutes cardio.  Will help you focus on moving tasks.  So you both wanted more space and decided it was worth the building/relocating/temp housing/switching schools. That's fine - you both balanced the up and downsides so you can choose to count blessings about the extra space you will have in the future.  And the essential decluttering you'll do.  I'd also throw $ at the problem -send out laundry. Hire someone to help you organize stuff -whatever helps.

[Seraphim]

Moving is one of the more stressful things in life, I totally understand how you feel. I move in about 2 months . 

[Batya33]

23 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Moving is one of the more stressful things in life, I totally understand how you feel. I move in about 2 months . 

I was hoping you'd comment.  I agree, OP - was just trying to lessen the stress and I hope it all works out!!

[Seraphim]

This will be move 39 for me coming up and it is never easier. It is our retirement move and I hope to never ever move again. 

[Gleejelly1]

Wow good luck with the latest move. Any tips on how to cope with the huge feeling of disconnection and being so unsettled? I haven’t even moved yet but already feeling it. I know it’s coming 

[catfeeder]

I’ve found that saying things like, “I’m not good at…” only compounds my problem. Everything we say to ourselves is self-hypnosis, so reframing is important. I’ll say things like, “I’m learning how to …” and, “I’m proud of my choice to…”

In terms of the interim place, “I’m teaching my kids how to set up a temporary place to camp,” and “I’m making this fun for us…“ “I want my kids to learn how to enjoy an adventure…” “My kids will learn how to embrace changes because of me…”

 The decision is to make this harder on myself or easier, so I choose easier, and that becomes my mantra while I get it done. Does this discount or invalidate my anxiety? No, it’s a coping strategy to avoid drilling myself into a deeper hole to climb out of.

Also consider that it’s been your own domestic talents that have built the environment you’ve loved, and you are taking that talent with you. So credit yourself with the ability to create a loving and lovable home no matter where you go. Show off your talents to your children, and they will never forget this.

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Gleejelly1 said:

Wow good luck with the latest move. Any tips on how to cope with the huge feeling of disconnection and being so unsettled? I haven’t even moved yet but already feeling it. I know it’s coming 

Can you connect even via Facebook with people who live there - other moms ? 

[Gleejelly1]

7 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I’ve found that saying things like, “I’m not good at…” only compounds my problem. Everything we say to ourselves is self-hypnosis, so reframing is important. I’ll say things like, “I’m learning how to …” and, “I’m proud of my choice to…”

In terms of the interim place, “I’m teaching my kids how to set up a temporary place to camp,” and “I’m making this fun for us…“ “I want my kids to learn how to enjoy an adventure…” “My kids will learn how to embrace changes because of me…”

 The decision is to make this harder on myself or easier, so I choose easier, and that becomes my mantra while I get it done. Does this discount or invalidate my anxiety? No, it’s a coping strategy to avoid drilling myself into a deeper hole to climb out of.

Also consider that it’s been your own domestic talents that have built the environment you’ve loved, and you are taking that talent with you. So credit yourself with the ability to create a loving and lovable home no matter where you go. Show off your talents to your children, and they will never forget this.

Thank you so much. That’s so helpful and encouraging. I know I’m sounding very deflated on this thread but in reality these are the types of things I try to say to myself I guess. I’m just venting here all the worries and concerns that are bubbling beneath the surface and it’s good to have somewhere to let it out. 
 

where we are moving is close to my husbands family so we will have them around. That’s some comfort, but it’s just different when it’s not your own family if you kno what I mean. Where we live at the moment was new to both of us so we were both in it together and we made it feel like home, so hopefully I will be able to do the same again. I better cos this is out forever home and this is it for life! 
 

[catfeeder]

1 minute ago, Gleejelly1 said:

...we made it feel like home, so hopefully I will be able to do the same again. I better cos this is out forever home and this is it for life! 

This is wonderful! Yes, I understand. As an anxiety suffer myself, I can offer that once you're already a few steps out on a tightrope, the place to lock your focus is always ahead, out in front of you, and never 'down'.

If you want to form some contingency plans for some scenarios, you can do that. But focus only on those with the highest probabilities AND make the goal about building and reinforcing your confidence rather than catastrophizing.

I like to start enjoying very early how proud I will be. I set up little carrots to celebrate along the way. I like to surprise myself with how organized I can be, how funny I can be, how creative I can be, and how easy I can make things look. What's wrong with building UP your own ego, when you can enjoy that, instead of beating yourself up?

Go, Glee!

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, Gleejelly1 said:

I have a baby so I’m still on maternity leave from work. im supposed to be going back to work in a months time shortly after we move. Im so worried my daughter won’t settle well into new school, so worried about coping in this new place and so heartsick for my current home.

Sorry this is happening. How far away are you moving from your friends and family? You seem to be trying to convince yourself it's a better move and at the same time liked your old house. Whose idea was moving? 

Temporary housing while your place is being built seems unnecessarily and inordinately stressful rather than staying where you were until your new home is finished. Why are you doing that and whose idea was it? Please reach out to friends and family if you are homesick.

[Gleejelly1]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How far away are you moving from your friends and family? You seem to be trying to convince yourself it's a better move and at the same time liked your old house. Whose idea was moving? 

Temporary housing while your place is being built seems unnecessarily and inordinately stressful rather than staying where you were until your new home is finished. Why are you doing that and whose idea was it? Please reach out to friends and family if you are homesick.

I know I probably sound very negative about it but I know deep down that this is an opportunity we can’t turn down. It was mutually agreed to move  and complete a self build. It’s such a great opportunity as it means we will have a beautiful house in a beautiful place. I do love the house we are currently in but it’s too small for our family now and was never intended to be a forever home.

 

the reason we are renting is two fold. Number one because we needed to sell our house in order to be able to proceed financially with the new build. We are moving to the new area mostly to allow my child to start her new school at the earliest possible time to make the transition hopefully easier for her, as I think the younger she is the less disruption it will hopefully cause her. We have to move anyway as we’ve sold,  so we might as well move to the new area.
although I know it’s all necessary it just doesn’t make it easy. I do feel conflicted about it all, but keep telling myself we could never stay here forever anyway.

 

[Batya33]

40 minutes ago, Gleejelly1 said:

I know I probably sound very negative about it but I know deep down that this is an opportunity we can’t turn down. It was mutually agreed to move  and complete a self build. It’s such a great opportunity as it means we will have a beautiful house in a beautiful place. I do love the house we are currently in but it’s too small for our family now and was never intended to be a forever home.

 

the reason we are renting is two fold. Number one because we needed to sell our house in order to be able to proceed financially with the new build. We are moving to the new area mostly to allow my child to start her new school at the earliest possible time to make the transition hopefully easier for her, as I think the younger she is the less disruption it will hopefully cause her. We have to move anyway as we’ve sold,  so we might as well move to the new area.
although I know it’s all necessary it just doesn’t make it easy. I do feel conflicted about it all, but keep telling myself we could never stay here forever anyway.

 

Oh I see- your temp housing is in the same school district as the new home.  Smart! Will your in-laws help with child care -and do you want them to? Are your parents far away? Can they visit and are they friendly with your in-laws? We moved for my husband's job -only one cousin in the area and I knew no-one.

I'm happy you're finding the input here helpful.  

[Gleejelly1]

Yea it really is helping thank you so much 😊 

I talk to my husband but he is mostly just massively excited and the move to m lesser accommodation doesn’t bother him as much as me. Also of course he would naturally be more excited as it’s where he is from and where his family is, so not as much an adjustment. He gets it will be harder for me but I don’t really think he fully understands just how much more difficult it will be. I also spend so much time at home, as I’m currently so often with the baby, it’s winter so not getting out as much and when I go back to work I work from home.

His family will likely help with a fraction of the childcare when I go back to work, which will be very helpful. My family are about 1.5 hours away which isn’t horrendous I know, but just much further than I’m used to. 
 

my brain is so often just a jumble of worry about sp many different parts of the whole process. I don’t really want to leave but also feel the wait to move is hanging over me so much as well. I’ve found the advice really helpful and thank you to the people who are trying to help me. 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Gleejelly1 said:

Yea it really is helping thank you so much 😊 

I talk to my husband but he is mostly just massively excited and the move to m lesser accommodation doesn’t bother him as much as me. Also of course he would naturally be more excited as it’s where he is from and where his family is, so not as much an adjustment. He gets it will be harder for me but I don’t really think he fully understands just how much more difficult it will be. I also spend so much time at home, as I’m currently so often with the baby, it’s winter so not getting out as much and when I go back to work I work from home.

His family will likely help with a fraction of the childcare when I go back to work, which will be very helpful. My family are about 1.5 hours away which isn’t horrendous I know, but just much further than I’m used to. 
 

my brain is so often just a jumble of worry about sp many different parts of the whole process. I don’t really want to leave but also feel the wait to move is hanging over me so much as well. I’ve found the advice really helpful and thank you to the people who are trying to help me. 

 

It is totally different for your husband -are you a SAHM? Are you doing most of the packing and will you be doing most of the packing and organizing in the temp housing? For our first 5 years in this new city we spent all summer in a temporary rental in our home city -it was like moving for me -much more than for my husband.  You can un-jumble the process by making lists and even a pros-cons lists so you see in writing what you are worried about -and that really decreases the largeness of the worries/anxieties IMO

[boltnrun]

I moved out of state to accept a promotion. I am middle aged and single and lived alone with my cat so I had no family to help. Oh, and did I mention it was during the pandemic and in the midst of all the shutdowns, and there was no treatment and no vaccine for Covid?

Thankfully a generous and giving friend agreed to come with me while I drove the moving truck. She was a blessing. It was still horribly stressful, but we got it done. 

I would try to focus on your end goal, which is a lovely custom home for you and your family. And on the new closeness you'll be sharing with your in-laws. As you know, time flies by (just look at your kids if you need proof) so the time in the temp home will be over before you know it. 

[Gleejelly1]

Just an update to this thread as it will just help me to get it out of my system.

my child had their first couple of days at their new school this week. It’s a long story that i won’t go into as to why they have already started as we arent moving til next week. But it means a long commute to school this week and Initially it went well but they are very reluctant to talk about it as the week goes on, with random outbursts of crying and out of character behaviour. They haven’t been settling at night when previously having no issues at bed time, saying afraid of the dark, saying they have worries but not wanting to talk about it.

im trying to do my best and im trying not to show my stress but it’s very upsetting to think of them being so unsettled when previously so stable and happy at last school.

i really prayed for an easy transition as it was one of my biggest worries and this is just making it all seem so much more daunting now 😞 my brain is frazzled 

[boltnrun]

Moving in the middle of a school semester is terribly unsettling for a child. I'm not sure why it couldn't wait until summertime, but that's water under the bridge now.

It will likely take some time before they make friends and feel comfortable. In the meantime, a solid show of support and comfort from their parents is vital. I'm sure you're not minimizing their reactions (saying things like "Oh, you'll be fine!!" or "don't overreact!"). As long as they're being validated and supported at home they will eventually adjust. But if they don't, be sure to have a plan in case you (and they) need some outside help.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry she had a rough time! Very normal - I agree with Bolt including on how to approach it.  

[Seraphim]

On 2/4/2024 at 3:15 PM, Gleejelly1 said:

Wow good luck with the latest move. Any tips on how to cope with the huge feeling of disconnection and being so unsettled? I haven’t even moved yet but already feeling it. I know it’s coming 

I think we have to identify why we feel this way. Why it is a negative . Maybe right a pro and con list .