Girl rarely responds to messages after texting a lot, but seems interested

[Alokinga]

There's this girl I go to college with who has been very friendly and talkative with me since the beginning of the year. It started with random fun convos before lectures, then she sent me a message, we went out to a club once and then texted a lot every day during the holidays. After the first week of class, she started responding to my messages very rarely, one time even a little more than a day later (although her responses were always detailed and as warm as before). At one point I told her that if she's very busy she doesn't have to bother responding when it's not convenient, but she brushed it off saying "don't worry, you're not the one who haphazardly responds because he made his life chaotic lol" (I suppose she was referring to her new job, which is teaching guitar a few hours a week at a music school). The thing is, I see that she's online a good number of times during the day, but I get a response at like midnight.

We're supposed to go out this week and she seemed happy when I asked her about it, but I don't know if I should keep my hopes up about anything more... especially since she wasn't like that at the beginning. It's strange because in person nothing seems to have changed. We still have a lot of fun together and I feel that she's grown on me in the last 1-2 months. I genuinely have never felt so much connection with a girl before, even with the ones I called my girlfriends.

Any ideas why this is happening?

Tl,dr: girl initiates convos (irl and in text), we hang out, seems to like me a lot, then starts responding rarely even though she goes online, but keeping the same upbeat tone in messages. Agreed to go out with me this week.

 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Alokinga said:

There's this girl I go to college with   we hang out, seems to like me a lot, then starts responding rarely even though she goes online, but keeping the same upbeat tone in messages. Agreed to go out with me this week.

She seems interested so have fun on the date. Please don't smother or text tether people.   It's a real turn off to have someone pestering you with texts a lot. She's allowed to go to the bathroom, eat, sleep and get other stuff done. Please relax and be confident.

Please try to avoid stalking when she's online, why isn't she replying asap and so on. Take a deep breath and relax. She's going out with you in person.  That's the important thing. 

[Alokinga]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She seems interested so have fun on the date. Please don't smother or text tether people.   It's a real turn off to have someone pestering you with texts a lot. She's allowed to go to the bathroom, eat, sleep and get other stuff done. Please relax and be confident.

Please try to avoid stalking when she's online, why isn't she replying asap and so on. Take a deep breath and relax. She's going out with you in person.  That's the important thing. 

Thanks. I'm not pestering her by any means, I've learned my lesson a number of times before. I think she actually wants to continue the texting since I directly told her we didn't have to do it if she's busy. I hope it really is just work and business and not her being too sweet and nice to push me away more openly. Because she really is a very positive person. 

[MrMan1983]

Best to bin off all the pointless texting, use the phone for setting dates and focus on those instead. You'll subconsciously bore each other to death with the 'Hey how's your day been? What have you been up to?' type needless texts and you lose any kind of intruige and convo that could of happened on the next date. Obviously the occassional upbeat check in or 'Looking forward to doing <insert activity> with you on <insert day>' doesn't hurt but there's a balance to be had.

[Alokinga]

2 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

Best to bin off all the pointless texting, use the phone for setting dates and focus on those instead. You'll subconsciously bore each other to death with the 'Hey how's your day been? What have you been up to?' type needless texts and you lose any kind of intruige and convo that could of happened on the next date. Obviously the occassional upbeat check in or 'Looking forward to doing <insert activity> with you on <insert day>' doesn't hurt but there's a balance to be had.

Of course, those are my thoughts as well. However, I can't just ignore her when she asks me a question that keeps the conversation going. I'm mostly matching her own texting habits.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Alokinga said:

Of course, those are my thoughts as well. However, I can't just ignore her when she asks me a question that keeps the conversation going. I'm mostly matching her own texting habits.

"Thanks for the text! (short answer to whatever she wrote).  Things are getting busy around here so I don't have as much time to text back and forth - I hope we can see each other soon and if not want to plan on a phone call to catch up?What works for you?"

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Alokinga said:

. I'm mostly matching her own texting habits.

That's perfect. Enjoy the date and try to relax. 

[Alokinga]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's perfect. Enjoy the date and try to relax. 

Sent her a message asking her when she would like to go out, 7 hours later and she still hasn't opened it... I think my gut feeling was correct, this definitely isn't normal.

[Cherylyn]

I agree with others, go old school meaning,  in person is best and refrain from texting just to text.  Some people prefer not to be tethered to their phone by having their nose in their phone 24 / 7.  Learn to adapt. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alokinga said:

, 7 hours later and she still hasn't opened it... I think my gut feeling was correct, this definitely isn't normal.

Is it possible she's working or doing something?  Does she work? Go to school? Sleep at night? Eat? Have family and friends? If she hadn't read it she doesn't seem available at the moment.

Why is that abnormal? Please try to relax. It's disappointing she didn't answer asap but why are you spinning out of control? Do you think she's ignoring you on purpose? Does she have any reason to? 

[Alokinga]

53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is it possible she's working or doing something?  Does she work? Go to school? Sleep at night? Eat? Have family and friends? If she hadn't read it she doesn't seem available at the moment.

Why is that abnormal? Please try to relax. It's disappointing she didn't answer asap but why are you spinning out of control? Do you think she's ignoring you on purpose? Does she have any reason to? 

We don't have lectures for the next three weeks. She told me she'd be free from Tuesday so we could meet up, I assume she would have the time to just open a text if she's still interested... It's been 11 hours since I sent it, and longer than 24 hours since her last response. Thanks for trying to find reasons to make me feel better, but I can't be in denial forever. I'm calm now, I'm fine with whatever the outcome may be. 

[Alokinga]

On 1/31/2024 at 10:11 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Is it possible she's working or doing something?  Does she work? Go to school? Sleep at night? Eat? Have family and friends? If she hadn't read it she doesn't seem available at the moment.

Why is that abnormal? Please try to relax. It's disappointing she didn't answer asap but why are you spinning out of control? Do you think she's ignoring you on purpose? Does she have any reason to? 

Went out with her today, it was great as always, but when I was telling her we should do it again she said she'd love to, but as friends since she's seeing someone. So that's the end of that...

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Alokinga said:

 I was telling her we should do it again she said she'd love to, but as friends since she's seeing someone. So that's the end of that...

Sorry this happened. At least thing's are clearer as to where she stands. Please set yourself free to move forward and start talking to and meeting women who are interested in what you're interested in. 

[catfeeder]

7 minutes ago, Alokinga said:

Went out with her today, it was great as always, but when I was telling her we should do it again she said she'd love to, but as friends since she's seeing someone. So that's the end of that...

Ewww, I’m so sorry. It’s really hard to gauge people in a work or school setting. These are our colleagues, and as a rule of thumb, I tend to factor that into every relationship I form in those contexts. This has served me well, both professionally and personally, because it  builds terrific alliances. I come out the other side with great support and introductions, and in many cases, social advantages and great friends.

 I understand the disappointment, yet I hope you will consider making a mental shift to continue cultivating a friendship that could serve you in other ways beyond dating. It’s always an advantage to have someone in our corner during the rough roads of studies, group projects and a goal of expanding our social circles.

You never know, your partnership on a project could land you an A grade while another partner could slack, or your future invitation to a barbecue or a party could lead you to find the love of your life.

Don’t write off opportunities just because they don’t come as expected.

Head high.

[Alokinga]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. At least thing's are clearer as to where she stands. Please set yourself free to move forward and start talking to and meeting women who are interested in what you're interested in. 

I will, thanks. Feels bad because she lost interest the moment I discovered how much I like her, truly, as a person... I haven't had a similar experience before. Now I guess I know what to look for. Thanks for listening to my rants, I don't really have a lot of people to talk to.

[Andrina]

15 hours ago, Alokinga said:

I don't really have a lot of people to talk to.

Why not? If you're lacking in friends, maybe join a school club in any of your areas of interests. If you don't have anything much going on with hobbies, interests, friends, it'll feel too smothering to a woman that she's your sole source of a social life. Anyway, good on you for setting yourself up for a good career and taking a chance on the girl, even if it didn't pan out. We've all gone through those times. Take care.

[Alokinga]

On 2/4/2024 at 3:50 PM, Andrina said:

Why not? If you're lacking in friends, maybe join a school club in any of your areas of interests. If you don't have anything much going on with hobbies, interests, friends, it'll feel too smothering to a woman that she's your sole source of a social life. Anyway, good on you for setting yourself up for a good career and taking a chance on the girl, even if it didn't pan out. We've all gone through those times. Take care.

Thanks for the advice, but when I say that I mean that I don't want to pester my friends with my lamenting, easier to do that with strangers online haha... and I really didn't put any pressure on the girl, it was all very chill

[smackie9]

You were friends zoned before any of this got off the ground so there was nothing you did wrong...it was already set in her mind. She wanted something to do so she went out with you thinking it's just friendship/maybe for attention. You didn't know which ladder you were on because she acted all nice and stuff. Being nice doesn't always = interest. Some girls are oblivious to your actions, some know but take advantage. It sucks but this is how is goes at your age. Most girls grow out of that manipulation or they finally figure out men that interact with them are most likely interested in dating them. 

Anyways there's no point in sitting there scratching your head over this. Push yourself away from her and move on from the BS.