My feelings for my best friend is driving me insane.

[sunandmoonstars]

I have a best friend I met online almost a year ago and they live over 4,000 miles away from me. They're a really kind and understanding person and they're always there for me and I always try to be there for them just the same. They're someone who gives me comfort and makes me smile and we click really well and understand each other a lot. We got pretty close over the time that we've been friends and I found myself really admiring them and the way they think and how they look at life and it always made me feel better just talking to them about everything. At one point, we got close enough where they felt they were able to be comfortable enough to playfully flirt with me and i loved it because it was cute and funny, but I found myself actually confusing the friendly and playful flirting with real flirting. I'm someone who can't really tell the difference between platonic and romantic feelings and I'm also someone who starts falling for someone when I start feeling something for them. My feelings always confuse me and cause me to spiral and self sabotage. I feel like I'm doing that now and now I don't know how to get past this.

I told them I liked them a while ago when I first started feeling something, but I wasn't sure if what I felt was platonic or romantic love. I explained this to them and came to the conclusion that it was probably just platonic since the feelings weren't that strong and I wasn't sure. But now, maybe a month or two later, the feelings are stronger and I don't know what to do. When it comes to relationships lately, I realize that once I start getting close or it feels too real, I pull away and I guess maybe it's because I'm scared of actual relationships or some aspects of it, I'm still not completely sure. But one day I heard about queeplatonic relationships and through that I heard about alterous attraction and I felt that that's how I feel when it comes to my best friend and my feelings for them.

My feelings aren't romantic, but they're more than platonic and I just want to feel close to them on an emotion level or something deeper if that makes sense. I still don't know much about alterous attraction, but I really connect with it. I told this to my friend when I confessed how I felt again just a few days ago since how I've been feeling has been bothering me so much and I'm bad at keeping how I feel to myself. They told me, just like last time, that nothing has to be weird or awkward between us and that even if they don't feel the same way, it's okay and they still love me. But I've also started feeling this overwhelming feeling of jealousy and wanting to be special to them and feeling like they'd rather talk to everyone except for me. I've started acting kind of cold to them and sort of ignoring them and I feel so bad about it and I don't know how to tell the truth without feeling even more guilty. How can I?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, sunandmoonstars said:

I have a best friend I met online almost a year ago and they live over 4,000 miles away from me.  one day I heard about queeplatonic relationships and through that I heard about alterous attraction and I felt that that's how I feel when it comes to my best friend and my feelings for them.

Sorry this is happening. How old is this person? How did you start talking? 

It's fine to have online penpals and friends. However you seem a bit overinvested and over involved in a situation with someone you never met. 

Perhaps you are exploring your feelings or sexuality, but that may be better to explore this locally with trusted friends, family, LGBT support groups and therapy rather than random Internet strangers. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/bound-together/202109/queerplatonic-relationships-new-term-old-custom

[NighttimeNightmare]

This is an interesting topic.  A few core things stand out to me and they are (1) the internet-based relationship, (2) your own personal feelings regarding attraction 

 

so (1) To be able to hold and maintain and internet-based relationship almost always seems to point to intimacy issues. It’s almost like these relationships are suspended in a type of avoidance and fantasy. The reality is, you don’t truly know this person. There’s so much you aren’t seeing, smelling, experiencing, etc with someone who lives miles and miles away, your brain is going to fill in the voids with positives.  As real as it all feels to you, and as real as aspects of it may in fact be, it’s missing so so much.  And often times people with intimacy issues, or those who are trying to figure out what intimacy is for them, will take solace in a “relationship” that’s kept at a distance 

 

(2) I’ve never heard of the term “queerplatonic” but looked it up and I actually have a friend who is in a relationship like this. She lives with a man she’s very close with but they don’t have romantic feelings, and don’t sleep together. But everything else about their setup is reminiscent of what you might see in a healthy partnership. 
 

with that said… you don’t have that with your long-distance friend.  You don’t live together, you’re not building a life together, you’re not sharing space… this is text on the other side of a screen with someone who has been there for you at times, and it’s felt significant to you.  Which is ok, but don’t make it out to be more than it is. If you haven’t had this type of emotional connection from any of your tangible-friends, it would make sense that this whole thing is such a big deal for you, it makes sense why this person is so important and you long for them 

Now for your use of the word “alterous attraction” — are you asexual or on that spectrum somewhere? I feel like many relationships of all sorts are missing the emotional depth that alterous attraction describes.  For instance, many people have relationships based solely on sexual attraction, or aesthetic attraction, but it really has no substance beyond that.  It sounds like you seek out the substance, the emotional closeness, which is a good thing to have as well. 
 

…but because you’re so ok with this intangible friendship … with someone who you seem to suggest doesn’t feel the same for you, it begs to question if other things are going on and you may hide behind these pop terminologies instead of addressing any deeper issues 

[Andrina]

It's okay to seek ways of being happy over the Internet as long as your local life with in-person interactions overrides that. If you don't have a fulfilling life with friends and dating locally, then your expectations of building something real with a person who might as well live on the moon are not realistic.

In a year's time, neither of you have either had the funds or desire to visit one another.

You don't share the same relationship goals, causing you to stop enjoying the friendship as you once did.

If you thought an Internet connection would bring you the safety and satisfaction you assumed, in order to avoid humans you could speak to who live, work, and play within your vicinity, then you're now finding that wasn't a good game plan after all.

The time you've indulged in this is likely taking away from in-person interactions. Perhaps time to make some changes in your life. Instead of punishing this person with your jealous coldness, start gaining some emotional distance and lessen your interaction. Rein in your expectations and realize you're being unreasonable and acting like a child taking a tantrum because you can't have what you want.

 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, sunandmoonstars said:

...I've also started feeling this overwhelming feeling of jealousy and wanting to be special to them and feeling like they'd rather talk to everyone except for me.

This is the kind of jealousy some people start feeling when they've developed a fantasy crush from afar on a celebrity. Maybe the celebrity's words 'speak to them' even while that celebrity's life is full of in-person relationships and engagements that have nothing to do with the one who is fantasizing about them.

Realistically, you know you can't expect another person to limit their own real-world interests and relationships and passions in favor of typing to a pen pal.

The hardest and most painful things to let go of are the fantasies we've created in our own mind 'about' someone else. We're the ones who invent our scenarios and project them onto another person. Regardless of whether these are real-life, in-person relationships that don't meet our expectations, or whether they are celebrities or just plain people who we've targeted for such projections based on certain qualities we value 'about' them, we must each learn through experience how to reconcile that nobody else 'owes' us an obligation of playing out any roles we've created FOR them with our own imagination.

Have you considered pursuing any work with a professional who is trained in this stuff? There are counselors, therapists, clergy and social workers who have been taught to help people work through these kinds of projections--they ARE that common. This means that you are in the good company of people throughout the world who are not 'crazy,' but have simply formed fantasy relationships. These can be good indicators of what you may want and seek in the real world but have not yet learned how to realistically obtain for yourself.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[ShySoul]

8 hours ago, sunandmoonstars said:

I just want to feel close to them on an emotion level or something deeper if that makes sense... But I've also started feeling this overwhelming feeling of jealousy and wanting to be special to them and feeling like they'd rather talk to everyone except for me. I've started acting kind of cold to them and sort of ignoring them and I feel so bad about it and I don't know how to tell the truth without feeling even more guilty.

Truly caring about someone is wanting what is best for them. If your feelings are not on a romantic/relationship level, then there has to be the understanding that at some point they will pursue that with someone else. Non romantically, they have to be free to talk to whomever they want. It's not best for them, or for you, to monopolize their time and friendship. That you feel bad about your feelings show that in your heart you already know this. So let go of the jealousy and recognize that what you have is unique and special as it is. They wouldn't have talked to you for this long, and on such deep levels, if you weren't special to them. They wouldn't have been so understanding and sensitive to your feelings if you weren't special to them. They can have friendships with others, but that won't diminish or change the connection the two of you have. 

As for how to tell the truth, simply do what you have already done in the past, be honest. You've honestly told them how you felt before and they were understanding. They will be again. If you say it to them as you've said it to us, I think they will understand. From there the two of you can work through things together, figuring out the best way to handle it for both of you. 

[smackie9]

Internet relationships are 10% reality and 90% fantasy  based. This is your imagination creating these things. It's like an addiction...you get a hit of dopamine every time you communicate. Take a look in the mirror....you are a very lonely person. This has become an emotional trap, and it's preventing you from living your life, dating others, making friends. The internet is not a solution. It has a very powerful draw because it's so easy and convenient, especially being an introvert/shy person. It's time for you to get out into the real world and interact with people if you want to feel something real to the heart.

[MissCanuck]

How are your offline friendships, OP? 

It is probably going to be best if you take some space for yourself from this friendship. You've got a crush that likely can never be really explored, given how far away you are and the fact that they don't feel the same way. 

However you characterize these feelings or label the attraction, the problem remains: it's starting to hurt you. That is your cue to step back and not feed into those feelings. It's time to direct your time and attention to people and life around you rather than investing too much of yourself in online friends. 

[catfeeder]

7 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

It's time to direct your time and attention to people and life around you rather than investing too much of yourself in online friends. 

Yep. This would be your cure for the jealousy. As it stands, the reason you feel jealous of your pen pal's real life is that you haven't cultivated enough of a real life for yourself.

Each baby step you take toward that direction is something you can celebrate and feel good about. Why not start by using the Internet to explore interests, hobbies, classes and volunteer opportunities in your area?