sunandmoonstars

I have a best friend I met online almost a year ago and they live over 4,000 miles away from me. They're a really kind and understanding person and they're always there for me and I always try to be there for them just the same. They're someone who gives me comfort and makes me smile and we click really well and understand each other a lot. We got pretty close over the time that we've been friends and I found myself really admiring them and the way they think and how they look at life and it always made me feel better just talking to them about everything. At one point, we got close enough where they felt they were able to be comfortable enough to playfully flirt with me and i loved it because it was cute and funny, but I found myself actually confusing the friendly and playful flirting with real flirting. I'm someone who can't really tell the difference between platonic and romantic feelings and I'm also someone who starts falling for someone when I start feeling something for them. My feelings always confuse me and cause me to spiral and self sabotage. I feel like I'm doing that now and now I don't know how to get past this. I told them I liked them a while ago when I first started feeling something, but I wasn't sure if what I felt was platonic or romantic love. I explained this to them and came to the conclusion that it was probably just platonic since the feelings weren't that strong and I wasn't sure. But now, maybe a month or two later, the feelings are stronger and I don't know what to do. When it comes to relationships lately, I realize that once I start getting close or it feels too real, I pull away and I guess maybe it's because I'm scared of actual relationships or some aspects of it, I'm still not completely sure. But one day I heard about queeplatonic relationships and through that I heard about alterous attraction and I felt that that's how I feel when it comes to my best friend and my feelings for them. My feelings aren't romantic, but they're more than platonic and I just want to feel close to them on an emotion level or something deeper if that makes sense. I still don't know much about alterous attraction, but I really connect with it. I told this to my friend when I confessed how I felt again just a few days ago since how I've been feeling has been bothering me so much and I'm bad at keeping how I feel to myself. They told me, just like last time, that nothing has to be weird or awkward between us and that even if they don't feel the same way, it's okay and they still love me. But I've also started feeling this overwhelming feeling of jealousy and wanting to be special to them and feeling like they'd rather talk to everyone except for me. I've started acting kind of cold to them and sort of ignoring them and I feel so bad about it and I don't know how to tell the truth without feeling even more guilty. How can I?