He didn't want me, but didn't want me to leave?

[lavender2023]

I (23F) met this guy (46M) on a dating app last autumn, and during those two months of dating, I felt like he was being distant most of the time. He only called me five times in November and went out with me three times during the two months we were dating. He kissed me on the third date but didn't ask for a relationship afterward. He would disappear for a week, saying he was busy with work. I really liked him so I stayed for two months. Eventually, I felt like he was stringing me along so I cut him off and wished him all the best. After I sent the goodbye text, he reached out to me and said he wanted to keep in touch. I ignored his text.

We haven't contacted each other for almost 50 days. Last week, I made two posts on Facebook about books I'm reading, and he liked both posts. It's weird because he never liked my posts before. When we were dating, I made ten posts, and he didn't like any of them.

Here are my questions: Why did he act distant when we were dating (even after he kissed me), but didn't want me to leave? Why did he suddenly like my posts? What should I do with this guy?

**By the way, he claimed to be 38 on the dating app, but I found online that he was 46. He didn't confess to me.

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, lavender2023 said:

, I felt like he was stringing me along so I cut him off and wished him all the best. After I sent the goodbye text, he reached out to me and said he wanted to keep in touch. I ignored his text.

Sorry this happened. You made the right decision ending it. If you don't want to stay friends it's fine to delete block or mute him from your social media. Please set yourself free and focus on your peace of mind. 

[MissCanuck]

21 minutes ago, lavender2023 said:

What should I do with this guy?

Delete and block him. You should have done this already. 

What is the reason you are still allowing him any access to you? 

22 minutes ago, lavender2023 said:

he claimed to be 38 on the dating app, but I found online that he was 46.

Creep. Again, why are even wondering about him? He would have been tossed into my Reject Pile long before now. 

[lavender2023]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. You made the right decision ending it. If you don't want to stay friends it's fine to delete block or mute him from your social media. Please set yourself free and focus on your peace of mind. 

It's so kind of you Wiseman, thank you so much! I almost cried when I read your kind comments. I will find my peace and find someone who treats me better. Thank you for your encouragement and advice!

[lavender2023]

Thank you Miss Canuck for your insight! I just wavered because this is my first time dating and encountering such situation. I didn't know what to do. Thank you so much for your help!

[Batya33]

Agree with the others.   I wouldn't read into him clicking -could be a woman he is dating was on his FB or whatever - clicking is meaningless even if it was him.  Also did you tell him you were looking for a serious relationship or you wanted to wait for him to "ask" you? Also why date someone twice your age who lied about his age?

[lavender2023]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Agree with the others.   I wouldn't read into him clicking -could be a woman he is dating was on his FB or whatever - clicking is meaningless even if it was him.  Also did you tell him you were looking for a serious relationship or you wanted to wait for him to "ask" you? Also why date someone twice your age who lied about his age?

Thank you, Batya! I didn't tell him, but I wrote on my profile saying I was looking for a serious relationship, and he did too. After he kissed me, I told him that was my first kiss. I gave myself a month waiting for him to ask for a relationship. Yes, I'm trying to ignore him. Reading all your comments makes me feel I'm making the right decision. Thank you!

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, lavender2023 said:

I'm trying to ignore him.

For your own good it would be best to block him. 

 

[Kwothe28]

23 hours ago, lavender2023 said:

I (23F) met this guy (46M) on a dating app

The fact that age difference is weird aside, are you really surprised some 40 year old wants the attention of 20 year old?Be happy that he didnt want this to go further then just kissing.

[lavender2023]

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

For your own good it would be best to block him. 

 

I blocked him on and off after I cut him off. I felt like I was going through the process of withdrawal like quitting an addiction. I blocked him just now. Thank you all so much! 

[lavender2023]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

The fact that age difference is weird aside, are you really surprised some 40 year old wants the attention of 20 year old?Be happy that he didnt want this to go further then just kissing.

Thank you, Kwo! I know I should be happy as I dodged a bullet, but it was just a bit psychologically challenging to kill this irrational love at first sight and the attraction to this toxic person. Your comments build up my confidence. Thank you!

[Jaunty]

13 hours ago, lavender2023 said:

 but it was just a bit psychologically challenging to kill this irrational love at first sight 

This is the first time you mentioned "love at first sight."  In your OP it sounded pretty low intensity on both of your parts.    

[catfeeder]

Dating is to learn whether someone is a good match. So regardless of how attractive someone might be, he lied.

What’s to trust about him after that?

[lavender2023]

2 hours ago, Jaunty said:

This is the first time you mentioned "love at first sight."  In your OP it sounded pretty low intensity on both of your parts.    

I didn't tell him I liked him, but I texted him first many times and got lukewarm reponses from him. Anyway, it doesn't matter now.😊  Looking on the positive side, I've learned a lot about others and myself from this experience. Now I know what red flags I should look out for, and next time I will know when to pull back early. 

[lavender2023]

48 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Dating is to learn whether someone is a good match. So regardless of how attractive someone might be, he lied.

What’s to trust about him after that?

Yes! Now, I realize honesty is one of the non-negotiable qualities. I've never dated anyone before, so I didn't know when to insist on my feelings or reasons and when to give in. I doubted myself often, thinking I was too sensitive and overreacting. 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, lavender2023 said:

so I didn't know when to insist on my feelings or reasons and when to give in.

Never do this when the other person is not reciprocating, or when they are showing you serious red flags. 

Why would you want to insist on anything when it comes to dating, though? We can't force people to like us back. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, lavender2023 said:

.I've never dated anyone before, so I've learned a lot about others and myself from this experience. Now I know what red flags I should look out for, 

This is a good outlook. Your first foray into dating wasn't stellar with this guy but he was certainly an education in red flags. 

Pace yourself, use dating as a getting to know you process through observation and trusting your instincts.

If you notice red flags (such as lying about age or any other shady things that don't add up), don't hesitate to cut your losses and tell them you're not a match. 

[lavender2023]

9 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Never do this when the other person is not reciprocating, or when they are showing you serious red flags. 

Why would you want to insist on anything when it comes to dating, though? We can't force people to like us back. 

Thank you, Miss Canuck! I guess I just didn't know how guys would behave when they like someone; or how much they reciprocate indicates they want a relationship. Are there any guaranteed signs that a guy is interested enough to want a relationship with me?

[lavender2023]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is a good outlook. Your first foray into dating wasn't stellar with this guy but he was certainly an education in red flags. 

Pace yourself, use dating as a getting to know you process through observation and trusting your instincts.

If you notice red flags (such as lying about age or any other shady things that don't add up), don't hesitate to cut your losses and tell them you're not a match. 

Thank you, Wiseman! From now on, I must trust my instincts. I was afraid my instincts were automatic thoughts, not the truthful representation of reality. However, as I looked at his past behaviors through the lens of "actions speak louder than words," realizing that my instincts were right. He said he was busy, but nobody could be that busy to disappear for an entire week. 

[Andrina]

Can I ask why you're in need of a dating app at age 23? That's usually the time of life one is surrounded by huge pools of singles in their age group, whether it be through college, or possibly a job where there are a number of people working there in your age range, etc. Why haven't you ever dated before this? What are your hobbies, interests? What do you do with your friends in your free time? Do you have a healthy self-worth, or does that need work?

[catfeeder]

12 hours ago, lavender2023 said:

Yes! Now, I realize honesty is one of the non-negotiable qualities. I've never dated anyone before, so I didn't know when to insist on my feelings or reasons and when to give in. I doubted myself often, thinking I was too sensitive and overreacting. 

Okay, it’s probably a good idea to make two lists that you keep open to add to over time, with thoughts that come up. One includes all the qualities you must have in a partner, the other includes your private dealbreakers.

This is about getting to know yourself well enough to know what your private standards are for dating. Then you have a solid foundation from which to operate.

Most people are NOT our match. The goal of dating is to screen out bad matches and only date people who are potentially good matches for you.

Rejection doesn’t mean that someone is a bad person. It just means that they don’t align with the kind of relationship you want and deserve for yourself. If you find yourself feeling uncomfortable with someone and you walk on eggshells around them, then you’re too focused on trying to get them to like you instead of staying focused on what you want from a relationship. Screen out bad matches early, so you can make room for the good match you haven’t met yet.

Head high.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, lavender2023 said:

Thank you, Miss Canuck! I guess I just didn't know how guys would behave when they like someone; or how much they reciprocate indicates they want a relationship. Are there any guaranteed signs that a guy is interested enough to want a relationship with me?

With rare exception, an adult single person who is reasonably healthy and available who wants a relatonship with another person will ask that person out on dates he plans in advance -or she-or respond enthusiastically to invitations for dates and will ask that person to be serious, or what their specific intentions are for the future and share their intentions. A person who wants a relationship will not want to risk "signs" -that person will be clear, simple and direct.  Still no guarantees for forever but that is how you know. Just like in many other parts of life -how do you know a person is interested in being your friend?

[lavender2023]

9 hours ago, Andrina said:

Can I ask why you're in need of a dating app at age 23? That's usually the time of life one is surrounded by huge pools of singles in their age group, whether it be through college, or possibly a job where there are a number of people working there in your age range, etc. Why haven't you ever dated before this? What are your hobbies, interests? What do you do with your friends in your free time? Do you have a healthy self-worth, or does that need work?

Thank you, Andrina! I haven't dated before because I am too shy to talk to males in real life, and the majority of my colleagues/friends are female. The only male I feel comfortable talking to is my brother. Also, I lived with my family. I somehow feel ashamed letting my parents know I'm dating. I wanted to join the tennis/football club, but I don't know how to.  Dating apps are the easiest way for me to know male friends.

[Andrina]

I guessed as much, that it'd be something like shyness.

Yeah, you're way off base thinking Dating apps are the easiest. Even for people who have been around the block numerous times in the dating world find OLD to be very frustrating, upsetting, and sometimes dangerous.  There are some decent people, of course, on OLD, but it's like finding a needle in a haystack.

I don't believe you should be on OLD at all at this beginning stage of dating. Stop with the excuses about not knowing how to find out how to join clubs. You found this forum. You found the dating app. You can search the Internet. Also, look on Meetup.com to see which groups meet in your area for activities.

I'm shy too. I joined a group as a teen whereas I had to learn a speaking part and recite it in front of the group. Not fun, but it was good practice to learn the skill which served me well in my job.

You can practice speaking to men without a romantic intent, just to get used to it. Ask the cashier if he is having a good day. Take a dance class where you will get to dance with different partners during the lesson. In my area, there is swing dancing (East coast or West coast styles), tango, salsa. You will be forced to at least say hello, and you can compliment the men on their dancing skills.

Why are you ashamed to tell your parents you're dating? Your parents dated, didn't they? Do they wish you to become a nun? Are they overly protective or controlling?

When you're coming from a place of fear and using the computer as a temporary barrier because you feel emotionally vulnerable, you are bait to predators. And set some standards for yourself as far as dating. The higher the age gap the higher risk of failure. You don't have to accept just anybody's wish to communicate with you. Make a must-have list and a dealbreaker list. If you haven't thought of that, you aren't ready to date. Set up a firm foundation first or everything will crumble around you like a castle built with sea sand.

[lavender2023]

35 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I guessed as much, that it'd be something like shyness.

Yeah, you're way off base thinking Dating apps are the easiest. Even for people who have been around the block numerous times in the dating world find OLD to be very frustrating, upsetting, and sometimes dangerous.  There are some decent people, of course, on OLD, but it's like finding a needle in a haystack.

I don't believe you should be on OLD at all at this beginning stage of dating. Stop with the excuses about not knowing how to find out how to join clubs. You found this forum. You found the dating app. You can search the Internet. Also, look on Meetup.com to see which groups meet in your area for activities.

I'm shy too. I joined a group as a teen whereas I had to learn a speaking part and recite it in front of the group. Not fun, but it was good practice to learn the skill which served me well in my job.

You can practice speaking to men without a romantic intent, just to get used to it. Ask the cashier if he is having a good day. Take a dance class where you will get to dance with different partners during the lesson. In my area, there is swing dancing (East coast or West coast styles), tango, salsa. You will be forced to at least say hello, and you can compliment the men on their dancing skills.

Why are you ashamed to tell your parents you're dating? Your parents dated, didn't they? Do they wish you to become a nun? Are they overly protective or controlling?

When you're coming from a place of fear and using the computer as a temporary barrier because you feel emotionally vulnerable, you are bait to predators. And set some standards for yourself as far as dating. The higher the age gap the higher risk of failure. You don't have to accept just anybody's wish to communicate with you. Make a must-have list and a dealbreaker list. If you haven't thought of that, you aren't ready to date. Set up a firm foundation first or everything will crumble around you like a castle built with sea sand.

I found interaction on the internet relaxing because I don't see people, not being in others' presence. I know it's a defect I must overcome. I will try finding activities on Meetup.com because I think it's easier for me to ask questions online like how can I join in, where to meet, etc. Thank you for sharing this approach! I will also try to have chit-chat with strangers. I don't do it because I feel awkward about being recognized by people, e.g. they will wonder if I no longer frequent their shops or think I am lazy if I go to their shops at 9 a.m. I will learn how to interact with men in real life. Thank you so much for your advice.

Whenever my elder brother tells my mom who he is dating/in a relationship with, my mom always says she doesn't want to hear about it. She thinks a relationship should be a private issue between two people and need not be discussed/shared with others. So he doesn't talk about it anymore. We rarely talk to our dad because mom and dad live separately, and we have lived with mom since we were little. 

Thank you so much, Andrina! I will try your methods for improving social interaction skills first. I will also set up a must-have list and a dealbreaker list. You are so kind, teaching me all these things, thank you!!