Ex-boyfriend keeps my hopes up

[jingxie]

Hi everyone, this is my first post on this forum. I will write everything down for my relationship so you can get all the context and give me informed advice, so please bear with me even if it's a bit long.

 

Our relationship

I am 24F and he is 25M. This is both of our first real relationship, we've had semi-relationships in the past. We started dating in Oct 2019. We were set up through a mutual friend in Aug 2019. My ex was only looking for a fling because he was still trying to get over his ex, but the friend didn't know and introduced me who was looking for a serious one. I confessed to him in September and he told me to give him some more time, so I stayed with him although it really took a toll on my insecurities that he did not want to put a label on us - while saying he liked me (but he never contacted his ex ever after we started dating). So I would say our relationship started off on weak trust.

First two years, I had trouble hanging out with his parents mainly because as much as I was anxious to hang out with them, they would find ways to criticize what I did and made my anxiety worse. It felt like they were confirming my shortcomings. We had so many fights over this and we broke up (for a month-ish) in Jan 2022. We got back and compromised that we will minimize parent - me contact until I felt more confident. 

The second year and a half, we were doing well until covid restrictions lifted, we learned how to socialize again, and he started hanging out with people (a group of 5+) twice or so a week. I am social but introverted, so hanging out long hours with people, along with my work stress (I had just started my first full-time job) was too much. We broke up for good March 2023 when I exploded because I felt so neglected, and we had sex until Aug 2023.

We got along incredibly well, other than the problems above we never had issues with infidelity, sex, or personality. We always appreciated each other and he has shown so much growth over the years.

 

Current relationship with ex

My ex has always, and I mean ALWAYS told me that he would want me as a friend if I was okay with it. I have always told him that when we break up, it means we are throwing the 3.5 years away. He understands but disagrees with my viewpoint. Contrary to me, he has kept everything I gave him as a present in a box, and kept all our photos as well.

Now that it's been around 10 months since we broke up, we have been in and out of touch. I think the longest we've stayed in no contact is around 2-3 months at a time. We have been trying to become friends again, and we still get along incredibly well. 

If anything, our recent interactions have made me realize how much harder he is trying to restore our trust. I feel like during our relationship there was never room and space to rebuild trust. It was always problem after problem that we had to solve and because I had felt so insecure since the beginning, there were many days I would feel lonely.

He would not meet my needs, some that I really craved were simple things like buying presents by himself (e.g. on my birthday) or giving me compliments. There are some areas where he improved so much but these things above, he says he did not realize how important it was until we broke up. Once he realized how important they were, he started doing them. So he makes me so much more loved as a friend now compared to when we were dating, just because he meets my needs, and that is helping us rebuild our trust.

 

Current status

My ex and I call about once or twice a month. We meet up once a month and chat. He is currently seeing someone new. This news did not break my heart, but the fact that he meets my needs now crushed my heart. Why couldn't he do it sooner? I have talked to him about reconciliation. He says we need to grow and he has thought multiple times that he's made a mistake, to which after a few days he always thinks we were so incompatible that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. Whenever we talk about the past and what went wrong, etc, he cries (I cry too) and he apologizes for everything he's done wrong. I've already forgiven him for all the hurt he's caused me and after all I'm glad it's all happened the way it did. He says he is over "us" and just really sad that it didn't work out, which I believe. I think he's moved on for the most part.

We were incompatible. In hindsight I have had more space to think about what we could have done differently. I have made changes to my life, I am happier now, and I am also in therapy. We were pretty codependent, we did everything together. Now I am confident that I have my own life and could be happy by myself even if he's doing something else with others and having fun. He also says BUT if in the future (he kindly gave a disclaimer to not look forward to this happening) if we are ever single at the same time, we can weigh out whether we can make things work, and he would be open to reconsidering our relationship again. He wants to be platonic friends only for the time being. He is open to going to couples therapy with me if that would help us navigate, and he's recently revealed to me that his parents had approved our marriage and that I was his first true love... why say these now?

 

What I need advice on

Currently I have no desire to be in any relationship, in general. My ex is the only person I may try again if he asked. I would say I am still a bit hung up on him if I had to say it. But I also understand that not much may have changed, and I am really glad that my ex is trying to mend things. 

I do think.. maybe if you love them you should let them go. Maybe I am better off meeting someone more introverted. While I thought how social he is was overwhelming, I never thought his social interactions were a shortcoming. I thought it was commendable that he nurtured his relationships with friends and family.

I just wish.... that we could have worked out. I'm just sad that I feel more appreciated and I trust him more now. I'm scared that once he gets into a serious relationship with the new girl, that even the friendship would drop (he's promised it won't). I'm scared that the new girl will be so compatible he will never consider a second chance with me, I guess. The girl knows that we still kinda hang out and seems to be okay with it. I guess I should just accept it now.

What do you guys think? We don't know the future but is there a chance things could work out? Should I just cut contact, am I thinking too much? I wish everything could have gone better the first time.

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, jingxie said:

. He is currently seeing someone new. 

Sorry this is happening. On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved conflicts and incompatibilities combined with an unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities. 

He's dating someone. Please don't be demoted to FWB or backup plan. Please free yourself from this situation.

Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Permanently. This limbo is an ego trip for him and a heartbreaking place for you. Walk away. 

[jingxie]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This limbo is an ego trip for him and a heartbreaking place for you.

It was quite an ego boost for me as well because he's still crying over me while seeing someone new.. But I'm just so confused. Also he's dating someone but unsure if it's official. I said I didn't want to know when he told me it's a long story. Plus, I feel bad for the girl if he's still crying when he's talking to his ex (me).

I just don't think I'm a backup plan. Sometimes I can't help but feel that way, but we were incompatible after all. We're just both ridden with "what-if"s and it still comes to haunt us. You think permanent nc is the only way to go? 😞

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, jingxie said:

You think permanent nc is the only way to go?

When your option is permanent limbo I think the choice is easier. 

[Batya33]

When you meet up do you hook up? I would stop being in contact since he's dating someone new.  Even if they're not serious yet.  As far as what type of person would be a good match I'd do activities where you have stuff in common -like consider volunteering backstage at a community o church theater -often people who do that tend to be introverted.  I know many who do although I never have.  In fact we suggested it to a really shy/reserved friend of my husband's -his wife passed away young - in her 40s -he was too - and he actually did get involved and has been for years now - he says he really enjoys the work and the people and it's a good social outlet for him.

[jingxie]

15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

When your option is permanent limbo

😞 I thought I had made so much progress and it feels like everything is confusing all over again.

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

When you meet up do you hook up?

Not anymore. We stopped having sex Aug 2023.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, jingxie said:

😞 I thought I had made so much progress and it feels like everything is confusing all over again.

Not anymore. We stopped having sex Aug 2023.

Yes it's confusing because you're being dishonest with yourself and making unhealthy choices IMO.  I married my ex fiancee.  We had extremely limited contact the 7 years we were apart.  We chose to get back together after meeting up 3 times over a month's time.  And we decided right then to be in it 110% - exclusive with the goal of marriage.  

[jingxie]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

And we decided right then to be in it 110% - exclusive with the goal of marriage. 

So you're saying unless we both are this seriously committed, otherwise I'm just being strung along, so I should just cut contact, am I understanding it correctly? I just don't know why he would keep crying. If at least he would be firm about his decisions to not date me and act like it, I would feel a lot better. The fact that he says all these things and makes a visible effort to be a better person really confuses me, because it really looks like he is trying his best to become my friend.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, jingxie said:

So you're saying unless we both are this seriously committed, otherwise I'm just being strung along, so I should just cut contact, am I understanding it correctly? I just don't know why he would keep crying. If at least he would be firm about his decisions to not date me and act like it, I would feel a lot better. The fact that he says all these things and makes a visible effort to be a better person really confuses me, because it really looks like he is trying his best to become my friend.

I don't think you are being strung along at all.  No one is forcing you to see him. You're stringing yourself along.  He is as firm as can be -he is not asking you out on dates. He is asking another woman (or perhaps women) out on dates.  You're reading into signs and you're so biased because you want him back.

I'd tell him that if he ever wants to be seriously committed to you to let you know and if you are still interested and available you will consider it.  I know for sure if my husband and I had interacted in limbo land we would not be married now -we'd never have gotten back together including because we wouldn't have trusted enough that we knew where we stood/what we were to each other.

[jingxie]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'd tell him that if he ever wants to be seriously committed to you to let you know and if you are still interested and available you will consider it.

We decided to meet up this week or the next, I'll just say what you said here to him. I'll tell him that unless he wants to seriously try again, we can't stay friends. I was just doing so well and hoped that we could stay friends. This absolutely sucks.

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, jingxie said:

We decided to meet up this week or the next, I'll just say what you said here to him. I'll tell him that unless he wants to seriously try again, we can't stay friends. I was just doing so well and hoped that we could stay friends. This absolutely

20 minutes ago, jingxie said:

We decided to meet up this week or the next, I'll just say what you said here to him. I'll tell him that unless he wants to seriously try again, we can't stay friends. I was just doing so well and hoped that we could stay friends. This absolutely sucks.

I’m sorry you’re disappointed and I agree of course with your plan. 

[jingxie]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I agree of course with your plan. 

I just said this to him right now because he said he had some time, and he says "talk to you later in a week because I think you're really emotional right now" LOL. I will tell him the same thing next week. The panic in his tone was impressive. IDK why he so wants me as a friend.

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, jingxie said:

I just said this to him right now because he said he had some time, and he says "talk to you later in a week because I think you're really emotional right now" LOL. I will tell him the same thing next week. The panic in his tone was impressive. IDK why he so wants me as a friend.

Why not ? For backup options and it’s flattering because you’re so into him. And he likes hanging out with you. Pretty basic. 
His response was disrespectful. I’d stop contacting him. Back up your words with consistent actions. He gets to talk to you if and when he’s ready. 

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, jingxie said:

otherwise I'm just being strung along

No.  You're stringing yourself along.  It's your choice to keep this up.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, jingxie said:

 The fact that he .....He is currently seeing someone new. 

He is dating someone else. Please let go. He's being happy or nice or whatever now but he wasn't when you were together.  Please don't chase uninterested men who are seeing others. 

[boltnrun]

My ex used to squeeze out crocodile tears when he thought it would make him seem sympathetic. The only time he legitimately cried was when he was feeling sorry for himself.

Do you want to lurk around indefinitely hoping his relationship ends so he'll pay more attention to you?

[jingxie]

okay -- I've cried enough and been getting roasted enough here!! I will cut contact 😭 and cry until I feel better. I guess I was coping. All that improvement for nothing LMAO. The marriage talk and "first true love" really shook me and set me back another thousand years.. Thanks ex!!!!

[boltnrun]

Think about if you really want a relationship with someone who has no problem dating one woman while saying those types of things to his ex.

How do you know he wouldn't emotionally cheat on you if you two got back together?

Sure, he would. He's comfortable with it plus he knows you are too.

He's not worth it. 

[jingxie]

Just now, boltnrun said:

He's comfortable with it plus he knows you are too.

More context: I did tell ex that it is a disservice to his "new girl" already if he talks like that and he said he doesn't think so, it's just him being melancholy. 

Again, I don't know how serious they are.. So can't tell if they're just "hanging out" or trying to make it official. But it is kind of alarming

[Jaunty]

1 minute ago, jingxie said:

Again, I don't know how serious they are.. So can't tell if they're just "hanging out" or trying to make it official. 

That's as it should be.  An ex is not supposed to know all the ins and outs of their former boy or girlfriend's relationships.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, jingxie said:

 I did tell ex that it is a disservice to his "new girl" already if he talks like that and he said he doesn't think so, it's just him being melancholy. 

He's just playing both of you. It's not your job to manage his social life. It's your job to keep your self respect and dignity and discontinue listening to his rubbish  and walk away. Please talk to trusted friends and family about this. 

[jingxie]

Just now, Jaunty said:

That's as it should be.  An ex is not supposed to know all the ins and outs of their former boy or girlfriend's relationships.

Yah. I'm not saying he should tell me everything. In fact he said it's a long story how they met and where they are right now, and he can say it when we meet, but I declined. I find that his boundaries are very different from mine, I dunno.. The new girl knows he still talks to me, I don't think she expects this though

 

I do fully trust that he wants to be my friend. And I don't think it's a mistake we broke up. I just think he was a good partner in general and I want to convince my emotions that we're broken up, we can try be friends -- but him becoming a better person or at least making visible steps to become one, and being mopey when we meet, makes it so difficult for me to not catch feelings

[jingxie]

BUT yes, I am cutting contact with this guy. Don't worry everyone 💀

[MissCanuck]

Girl. What are you doing to yourself? 

Yes, cut contact. It is way beyond time to do so. Your history together is so dysfunctional that this has zero chance of working out well. You need to let go, and move on. 

Take care of yourself, and in the future, do a better job looking out for your own emotional well-being. These on-off situations are toxic and will not bring you the happiness and contentment you seek. 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, jingxie said:

I do fully trust that he wants to be my friend. And I don't think it's a mistake we broke up. I just think he was a good partner in general and I want to convince my emotions that we're broken up, we can try be friends -- but him becoming a better person or at least making visible steps to become one, and being mopey when we meet, makes it so difficult for me to not catch feelings

Then you cannot be a true friend to him. You want more.  His actions tell you he doesn't. And certain of his words. You weren't roasted here. Please stop roasting yourself -you're worth more.

I catch feelings for black and white cheesecake when I buy a slice.  So to avoid that I don't buy it (much).  You get to control how you react to feelings you get to prevent or lessen the risk of being triggered. Yes sometimes it's that basic.