jingxie

Feeling down today :(

BUT yes, I am cutting contact with this guy. Don't worry everyone 💀

Yah. I'm not saying he should tell me everything. In fact he said it's a long story how they met and where they are right now, and he can say it when we meet, but I declined. I find that his boundaries are very different from mine, I dunno.. The new girl knows he still talks to me, I don't think she expects this though I do fully trust that he wants to be my friend. And I don't think it's a mistake we broke up. I just think he was a good partner in general and I want to convince my emotions that we're broken up, we can try be friends -- but him becoming a better person or at least making visible steps to become one, and being mopey when we meet, makes it so difficult for me to not catch feelings

More context: I did tell ex that it is a disservice to his "new girl" already if he talks like that and he said he doesn't think so, it's just him being melancholy. Again, I don't know how serious they are.. So can't tell if they're just "hanging out" or trying to make it official. But it is kind of alarming

okay -- I've cried enough and been getting roasted enough here!! I will cut contact 😭 and cry until I feel better. I guess I was coping. All that improvement for nothing LMAO. The marriage talk and "first true love" really shook me and set me back another thousand years.. Thanks ex!!!!

I just said this to him right now because he said he had some time, and he says "talk to you later in a week because I think you're really emotional right now" LOL. I will tell him the same thing next week. The panic in his tone was impressive. IDK why he so wants me as a friend.

We decided to meet up this week or the next, I'll just say what you said here to him. I'll tell him that unless he wants to seriously try again, we can't stay friends. I was just doing so well and hoped that we could stay friends. This absolutely sucks.

So you're saying unless we both are this seriously committed, otherwise I'm just being strung along, so I should just cut contact, am I understanding it correctly? I just don't know why he would keep crying. If at least he would be firm about his decisions to not date me and act like it, I would feel a lot better. The fact that he says all these things and makes a visible effort to be a better person really confuses me, because it really looks like he is trying his best to become my friend.

😞 I thought I had made so much progress and it feels like everything is confusing all over again. Not anymore. We stopped having sex Aug 2023.

It was quite an ego boost for me as well because he's still crying over me while seeing someone new.. But I'm just so confused. Also he's dating someone but unsure if it's official. I said I didn't want to know when he told me it's a long story. Plus, I feel bad for the girl if he's still crying when he's talking to his ex (me). I just don't think I'm a backup plan. Sometimes I can't help but feel that way, but we were incompatible after all. We're just both ridden with "what-if"s and it still comes to haunt us. You think permanent nc is the only way to go? 😞

Hi everyone, this is my first post on this forum. I will write everything down for my relationship so you can get all the context and give me informed advice, so please bear with me even if it's a bit long. Our relationship I am 24F and he is 25M. This is both of our first real relationship, we've had semi-relationships in the past. We started dating in Oct 2019. We were set up through a mutual friend in Aug 2019. My ex was only looking for a fling because he was still trying to get over his ex, but the friend didn't know and introduced me who was looking for a serious one. I confessed to him in September and he told me to give him some more time, so I stayed with him although it really took a toll on my insecurities that he did not want to put a label on us - while saying he liked me (but he never contacted his ex ever after we started dating). So I would say our relationship started off on weak trust. First two years, I had trouble hanging out with his parents mainly because as much as I was anxious to hang out with them, they would find ways to criticize what I did and made my anxiety worse. It felt like they were confirming my shortcomings. We had so many fights over this and we broke up (for a month-ish) in Jan 2022. We got back and compromised that we will minimize parent - me contact until I felt more confident. The second year and a half, we were doing well until covid restrictions lifted, we learned how to socialize again, and he started hanging out with people (a group of 5+) twice or so a week. I am social but introverted, so hanging out long hours with people, along with my work stress (I had just started my first full-time job) was too much. We broke up for good March 2023 when I exploded because I felt so neglected, and we had sex until Aug 2023. We got along incredibly well, other than the problems above we never had issues with infidelity, sex, or personality. We always appreciated each other and he has shown so much growth over the years. Current relationship with ex My ex has always, and I mean ALWAYS told me that he would want me as a friend if I was okay with it. I have always told him that when we break up, it means we are throwing the 3.5 years away. He understands but disagrees with my viewpoint. Contrary to me, he has kept everything I gave him as a present in a box, and kept all our photos as well. Now that it's been around 10 months since we broke up, we have been in and out of touch. I think the longest we've stayed in no contact is around 2-3 months at a time. We have been trying to become friends again, and we still get along incredibly well. If anything, our recent interactions have made me realize how much harder he is trying to restore our trust. I feel like during our relationship there was never room and space to rebuild trust. It was always problem after problem that we had to solve and because I had felt so insecure since the beginning, there were many days I would feel lonely. He would not meet my needs, some that I really craved were simple things like buying presents by himself (e.g. on my birthday) or giving me compliments. There are some areas where he improved so much but these things above, he says he did not realize how important it was until we broke up. Once he realized how important they were, he started doing them. So he makes me so much more loved as a friend now compared to when we were dating, just because he meets my needs, and that is helping us rebuild our trust. Current status My ex and I call about once or twice a month. We meet up once a month and chat. He is currently seeing someone new. This news did not break my heart, but the fact that he meets my needs now crushed my heart. Why couldn't he do it sooner? I have talked to him about reconciliation. He says we need to grow and he has thought multiple times that he's made a mistake, to which after a few days he always thinks we were so incompatible that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. Whenever we talk about the past and what went wrong, etc, he cries (I cry too) and he apologizes for everything he's done wrong. I've already forgiven him for all the hurt he's caused me and after all I'm glad it's all happened the way it did. He says he is over "us" and just really sad that it didn't work out, which I believe. I think he's moved on for the most part. We were incompatible. In hindsight I have had more space to think about what we could have done differently. I have made changes to my life, I am happier now, and I am also in therapy. We were pretty codependent, we did everything together. Now I am confident that I have my own life and could be happy by myself even if he's doing something else with others and having fun. He also says BUT if in the future (he kindly gave a disclaimer to not look forward to this happening) if we are ever single at the same time, we can weigh out whether we can make things work, and he would be open to reconsidering our relationship again. He wants to be platonic friends only for the time being. He is open to going to couples therapy with me if that would help us navigate, and he's recently revealed to me that his parents had approved our marriage and that I was his first true love... why say these now? What I need advice on Currently I have no desire to be in any relationship, in general. My ex is the only person I may try again if he asked. I would say I am still a bit hung up on him if I had to say it. But I also understand that not much may have changed, and I am really glad that my ex is trying to mend things. I do think.. maybe if you love them you should let them go. Maybe I am better off meeting someone more introverted. While I thought how social he is was overwhelming, I never thought his social interactions were a shortcoming. I thought it was commendable that he nurtured his relationships with friends and family. I just wish.... that we could have worked out. I'm just sad that I feel more appreciated and I trust him more now. I'm scared that once he gets into a serious relationship with the new girl, that even the friendship would drop (he's promised it won't). I'm scared that the new girl will be so compatible he will never consider a second chance with me, I guess. The girl knows that we still kinda hang out and seems to be okay with it. I guess I should just accept it now. What do you guys think? We don't know the future but is there a chance things could work out? Should I just cut contact, am I thinking too much? I wish everything could have gone better the first time.