Have I been used?

[Capricorn3]

25 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Yes! Skip the micro-ANALysis, and enjoy! I also don't count days between texts. I never did that with phone calls or emails before texts were a thing, and I think there's too much social pressure for insta-responses that imply stuff that's just not necessary.

^ Totally agree.  It must be exhausting nit-picking apart every tiny little detail.  I mean, weekend or weekday, who cares? What's the difference? The guy set a date and if it suits both for a weekday then it's just fine.  Micro-analyzing each and every tiny little thing ...... it's no wonder so many "relationships" don't work out anymore.  Way too much drama and much ado about nothing (imo).

[rainbowsandroses]

Look I think being so casual about things is fine before a couple has become sexually intimate.

But come on, this man has been inside her, one of the most intimate acts two people can engage in.  It means something to most people. There are hopes attached, I am literally shocked at the casualness of some of these responses. 

I happened to Google this yesterday and the general consensus among both women and men in today's dating culture is that a man waiting more than 24 hours to reach out after first time sex is very poor form and reflects low interest.

This guy waited 5 days, asked her what weekends she was free, then tossed out weeknights. 

All that combined, this is a giant red flag IMO, and if me, I would have nexted him.

Maybe my standards are too high but I've never gotten my heart broken because of crap like this, I would next him before he ever got the chance. 

There are LOTS of men out there who know how to treat a woman he's interested in, but you'll never meet him if you choose to remain focused on the one who treats you so nonchalantly as an option and a "plate."

$.02

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, MsBlonde said:

. I didn’t mention anything about the days of silence I worked myself up over. He offered some week nights that work for us both and due to our work schedules it will strictly be ‘just’ dinner. Which at this moment in time suits me fine. 

That's great. It's also great you didn't mention the delay in texting. Enjoy the date. Please have confidence and it's great he's choosing a weeknight. He didn't treat you as "an option".  Don't let downers rain on your parade!

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

t come on, this man has been inside her, one of the most intimate acts two people can engage in.  It means something to most people. There are hopes attached, I am literally shocked at the casualness of some of these responses

Kissing is really intimate too -can be.  My very first kiss was and I was devastated when a month or so later after saying how into me he was he dumped me and went after my friend.  I was 14  Deep talks can be really intimate.  Sex can be really intimate or just sex.  Kissing can be just swapping spit, etc. I do not like putting more expectations on a person just because two people choose to have casual sex when they first meet or after a couple of dates. Hopes that get attached -are attached to to the hopeful person.  Don't have casual sex if you're a person who attaches hopes and expectations to sex -wait so that you know you're on the same page with your partner.  It's really that simple.  

In reading the other responses I think she should see him again if she's ok with him contacting her a bit less and if she's ok continuing to have casual sex.  If she regrets having sex it's totally fine to tell him -hey you know I really loved having sex with you and I also feel now that we should date more and get to know each other more before having sex again -how do you feel about that?

[kim42]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Look I think being so casual about things is fine before a couple has become sexually intimate.

But come on, this man has been inside her, one of the most intimate acts two people can engage in.  It means something to most people. There are hopes attached, I am literally shocked at the casualness of some of these responses. 

I happened to Google this yesterday and the general consensus among both women and men in today's dating culture is that waiting more than 24 hours to reach out after first time sex is very poor form and reflects low interest.

This guy waited 5 days, asked her what weekends she was free, then tossed out weeknights. 

All that combined, this is a giant red flag IMO, and if me, I would have nexted him.

Maybe my standards are too high but I've  never gotten my heart broken because of crap like this, I would next him before he ever got chance. 

There are LOTS of men out there who know how to treat a woman he's interested in, but you'll never meet him if you choose to remain focused on the one who treats you so nonchalantly as an option and a "plate."

$.02

 

 

From what I understood, he did text her after they had sex, I think he texted her the next day. And then they didn't talk for 5 days. @MsBlonde I hope I didn't confuse things!

[MsBlonde]

17 minutes ago, kim42 said:

From what I understood, he did text her after they had sex, I think he texted her the next day. And then they didn't talk for 5 days. @MsBlonde I hope I didn't confuse things!

Yep spot on. Now he is back to messaging non stop. No idea what the 5 days of radio silence meant still to this day.

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, MsBlonde said:

Yep spot on. Now he is back to messaging non stop. No idea what the 5 days of radio silence meant still to this day.

It could be any number of reasons.

The assertion that "it only takes ten seconds to send a text!" or "people take their phones with them when they're on the toilet!" (🤢) isn't always true. I know when work is crazy or I have family stuff going on the last thing I want to do is be on yet another electronic device, or I need some decompress time.

I'm glad you two are going on another date. 

[rainbowsandroses]

2 hours ago, MsBlonde said:

He offered some week nights that work for us both and due to our work schedules it will strictly be ‘just’ dinner. Which at this moment in time suits me fine. 
I’m open to seeing him again and if he puts the effort in than so will I. 

IF he puts in the effort? 

Has he scheduled an actual date?  A particular week night, or is it still all up in the air?  Texting means jack squat.

When a man is interested and seeking more than casual which I gather is what you're seeking (more than casual) It's not supposed to be this difficult with your next date left so open ended.

Choose wisely. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Choose wisely.

She did. She kept her confidence self respect and an open mind and didn't fall into "rules" and panic and block him. 

[rainbowsandroses]

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She did. She kept her confidence self respect and an open mind and didn't fall into "rules" and panic and block him. 

Firstly, no one knows if they have 'chosen wisely' until after 90 days at least.  Which is when a person's true colors begin to show.  Until then, observe. 

Secondly it's not "rules" it's common sense and knowing the good guys from the players. 

But okay let's see how this plays out.  

Currently I don't have a great feeling about it, and truly hope my feeling is wrong.

Good luck @MsBlonde, keep us posted. 

[MsBlonde]

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Has he scheduled an actual date?  A particular week night, or is it still up in the air? 

When a man is interested and seeking more than casual which I gather is what you're seeking (more than casual) It's not supposed to be this difficult with your next date left so open ended.

Choose wisely. 

 

 

Yeah so he initially said today (Sunday) but I had plans so we agreed this Tuesday instead. He mentioned dinner pretty much straight away; which if I’m being naive made me feel he wanted to actually see me and not sleep with me. as that’s not an option during the week with work.
Since the invite he has been in regular contact, even if I take a few hours to message back he is straight back with a response. Total polar opposite to what I had last week. 

[rainbowsandroses]

Just now, MsBlonde said:

Yeah so he initially said today (Sunday) but I had plans so we agreed this Tuesday instead. He mentioned dinner pretty much straight away; which if I’m being naive made me feel he wanted to actually see me and not sleep with me. as that’s not an option during the week with work.

Okay this sounds good and positive.  😀

Play it out and I'm willing to admit I'm totally wrong about him.. And hope I am!

Have fun!

[MsBlonde]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Okay this sounds good and positive.  😀

Play it out and I'm willing to admit I'm totally wrong about him.. And hope I am!

Have fun!

Honestly, I feel the same. This guy has a lot to prove. I’m just plodding along carefully this time round.

[catfeeder]

51 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I'm sorry, but I don't think this micro analysis...  

It's ok for someone not being into texts or emails. but this guy was texting every day and pretty much prior to their first sex, so I assume he isn't being consistent on that level: red flag.

And he doesn't priorizes seeing her during weekend, at least he didn't ask her out this weekend. Another little red flag IMO.  

Some major signs a guy is genuinely interested in a woman are: consistency in communication and a willingness to see her on weekends... don't you think? 

Good points, Sindy, and while I don't mean to sound dismissive of observations, I just think there's a big scale of difference between putting observations in your pocket while dating to see where those add up versus forming automatic conclusions about what those 'must' mean.

So I make room for different flags--like yellow ones or orange ones. Not everything is a giant red flag or a flashing neon sign that says 'doomed'.

Granted, I don't see the implied harm in someone asking for a weekend date but settling on a weeknight. What is the significance there?

[rainbowsandroses]

13 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Granted, I don't see the implied harm in someone asking for a weekend date but settling on a weeknight. What is the significance there?

I know your post was for @Sindy_0311but if I may chime in. 

On its own, it's not a big deal but when you combine it with him not reaching out for 5 days after first time sex when prior to sex he came on like gangbusters, it might be significant.

But he's scheduled a definitive dinner date for Tuesday which I think is good and sounds positive.

I dunno, my experience with men who were interested in more than casual have been different but I have opened my mind and willing to give him benefit of doubt.

[catfeeder]

34 minutes ago, MsBlonde said:

...This guy has a lot to prove. I’m just plodding along carefully this time round.

Good perspective. Trust needs to be earned rather than being a given. The thing about dating prior to establishing exclusivity is that some people are multi-daters, and others like to focus one person at a time. Neither is 'wrong,' but that's the kind of stuff we each decide whether we want to hash out or not. We can either leave it in the air (and assume that any delays may imply involvement with others), or we can voice our own position and ask where they stand in terms of their own style of dating.

For instance, I've had men say after only 1 or 2 dates, something like, "I don't claim a right to impose my own preferences on you, but I'm a one-at-a-time kind of guy," while others have said, "I really like you, and I hope it's no offense to you that I've been dating multiple people..."

Someone can volunteer this stuff, or we can raise it ourselves--but this speaks to why sleeping with someone early can make everything feel like walking on eggshells. There's a huge degree of bodily intimacy introduced before any emotional trust has been established. That creates its own minefield, but it doesn't mean that it can't be navigated.

EnjOy the attraction, MB!

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I happened to Google this yesterday

^ And therein lies the problem (imo).  Not aimed at you at all, rainbow, but just a general observation in how messed up "google" can make things in everyday life.  Just because "google" says something, doesn't mean it is so - but sadly, everybody believes it to be so.  It gets more and more ridiculous day by day. It's almost as if people can't think for themselves anymore, or work things out for themselves.

Dating shouldn't be so difficult, but yet it seems to be the trend for people to make things as difficult and complicated as they possibly can.  I don't understand it at all.  Maybe people thrive on drama. I dunno.  Anyhoo, it was just a general observation.

[catfeeder]

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I know your post was for @Sindy_0311but if I may chime in. 

On its own, it's not a big deal but when you combine it with him not reaching out for 5 days after first time sex when prior to sex he came on like gangbusters, it might be significant.

But he's scheduled a definitive dinner date for Tuesday which I think is good and sounds positive.

I dunno, my experience with men who were interested in more than casual have been different but I have opened my mind and willing to give him benefit of doubt.

Thank you, RR. Yeah, I can understand disappointment in a conversation change, I'm not being dismissive of that. I've just always factored multi-dating into things prior to establishing exclusivity, and I've even welcomed opportunities to skip-a-beat and catch my breath and bearings whenever someone isn't right at my phone seeking the next date right away.

I get that this can be an old fashioned way of thinking, but it was also a less tortured perspective that I highly recommend adopting for the young-ones today.

I still don't see how asking for a weekend date and settling on a weeknight implies any kind of 'pattern' after date 2 that signifies anything--at all.

Thanks again for your patience with me.

[Capricorn3]

10 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I get that this can be an old fashioned way of thinking, but it was also a less tortured perspective that I highly recommend adopting for the young-ones today.

I still don't see how asking for a weekend date and settling on a weeknight implies any kind of 'pattern' after date 2 that signifies anything--at all.

^ I second the above.

[rainbowsandroses]

26 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I've just always factored multi-dating into things prior to establishing exclusivity, and I've even welcomed opportunities to skip-a-beat and catch my breath and bearings whenever someone isn't right at my phone seeking the next date right away.

Oh believe me, I'm the same but after sex (first time sex especially), which I don't take lightly or casually, I think it shows caring and respect when a man reaches out the following day.

I do think most men know this too and when interested they will.  My experience and the experience of my friends, my brothers and male acquaintances. 

Now if you take a peek over at the manosphere where the "players" and men who "spin plates" gather and share opinions, you will read posts from men who advise things like wait 5-9 days after first time sex to reach out to see if SHE will reach out first.  And to get her "hamster wheels" spinning.   OP's guy waited exactly 5 days.  Interesting. 

And other such "redpill" nonsense. 

I dunno, I shouldn't read that garbage but I do like to stay aware of how "some" men think. 

But I've had enough of it, and frankly don't even take seriously anymore.

@Capricorn3you are absolutely right!  Social media including Google sites like Quora are also nonsense for the most part, I know better than to take anything I read there seriously.

Thanks for calling me out on that! 

 

 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, kim42 said:

I agree it's easy to get caught up in overanalyzing messages and how quickly someone replies, I struggle with it myself. 

I've realized that sometimes even my messages can seem to be 'cold', and it's just because I'm tired, and it has nothing to do with the person I'm texting with.

Good point, Kim. It's also good to factor in whether 'coldness' behind someone else's message can mean that WE are tired, or they are, and maybe not automatically responding and possibly giving the message another read the next day can pay off?

I promise that I'm not trumpeting some tone-deaf virtues of "...back in MY day..." just to be obnoxious or to sound superior. it's just that sometimes long-life experience can make clear to us elders what CAN be lost through messaging and why getting trigger-happy with assigning absolute meanings to texts just is not beneficial to the people who are doing it.

[Sindy_0311]

 

50 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I know your post was for @Sindy_0311but if I may chime in. 

On its own, it's not a big deal but when you combine it with him not reaching out for 5 days after first time sex when prior to sex he came on like gangbusters, it might be significant.

But he's scheduled a definitive dinner date for Tuesday which I think is good and sounds positive.

I dunno, my experience with men who were interested in more than casual have been different but I have opened my mind and willing to give him benefit of doubt.

I guess I’m crazy but I never had a man waiting 5 days to text me even in a FWB relationship. What I mean by that is, if a man enjoys a woman, he would never take the risk to make her feel insecure about his interest towards her, even if just for sex… many people are multi dating, doesn’t mean they don’t reach out between dates with others. And now back he is… 

Oh, also want to mention that Sunday evening is not prime time for a man. Friday and Saturday are date nights. And he didn’t ask her out this weekend, just after having first sex… orange flag IMO 
Me personally I wouldn’t give him the benefit of the doubt. If a man changes his communication style drastically without any apology or explanation about his silence. I next him immediately. 

[yogacat]

Yeah I don't know what some of you are talking about. After I became intimate with a man, he called 30 minutes after he left and 4 times the next day. 

[boltnrun]

I wouldn't hear from the guy I had a casual sex thing with for weeks at a time. Sometimes even months. Didn't bother me at all.

I can't speak to a dating situation since I've never dated. I can understand feeling disappointed at the way the situation went in the beginning. But it seems to be going better now anyway. 

[rainbowsandroses]

14 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

guess I’m crazy but I never had a man waiting 5 days to text me even in a FWB relationship.

Why do you guess you're crazy?  I never have either!  

I have friends who had men wait days/weeks, but those men were "players" or who only wanted casual sex and ended up breaking their hearts.