what are good reasons to break up?

[dustinthewind]

Hey everyone...

 

I just wanted to ask a general question...what are good reasons to end a relationship? I have been with my bf for 8 months now, and things have been pretty great. We are super compatible, and have a great time together.

 

Lately, I have not seen him very much..maybe 1 or 2 times a week...because he works full time, plays volleyball 3 nites a week, and goes to school 2 more nites a week....

 

I dont think i want to break up with him because of this, but I am unhappy not seeing him as much, and when we do see each other its like "lets do homework together"....and that will be our "quality time" (ie. sitting next to each other while we work on different things)

 

Heres my list of other SMALL things that have been bugging me....

 

-he doesnt do very many sweet things for me...i mean, it feels like I try so hard to make him happy, bring him candy to his work, send him sweet emails, buy him smalll gifts...but i have yet to get anything back...not that I expect it, but it would be nice..

 

-he "jumps me" if u willl....to be intimate...and err...it doesn;t really mean/do much for me. but when i suggest being intimate or try to be with him, he is alwasy too tired, or doesn;t want to.

 

-he meets girls online at MYSPACE....online networking sorta...but its more like a hoochie house of dirty girls with minial clothing wanting to meet guys

 

-and as mentioned before, I never really see him much anymore. I sorta wait around on the one day we have off together in the hopes of us doing something...but when he doesn;t call...and I call him and hes out I get upset. Its like he chooses to do other things, and puts other things before me.

 

 

SO there we go. just wondering what anyone thought....are these good reasons to end a relationship? NOTHING substantial is really wrong....im just confused...any advice? thanks

[lady00]

No one here can tell you if these are good reasons to break up with him. It's all about how you feel. Would you feel happier without him? Does what he brings to the relationship outweigh the downsides? You haven't mentioned many positive things about the relationship but I'm sure they exist since you're with him...sometimes the kinds of problems you discuss can be fixed, but only when both people see them as problems and want to fix them. I think breakups happen when people are no longer willing to try and resolve their problems...it comes down to that...are you both willing to try, and if yes, then the relationship is probably worth keeping. Have you discussed these things with him? That's the only way you'll know if these are fixable problems or permanent personality/lifestyle differences. Good luck. Whatever happens, you will be fine in the long run.

[Hope75]

Lady00 brings some very good points up. There isn't really a list of criteria a man needs to meet in order to be material for a breakup, it's about how you feel regarding the relationship.

 

Do you feel like he is a 50/50 partner with you?

 

Are his time constraints temporary? Does he try to make it up to you when he does have free time?

 

So he doesn't bring gifts, does he treat you with respect and dignity, and act caring and loving and considerate when he's with you?

 

What's this about meeting girls on MYSPACE? What's he doing there? What does he want with these girls?

 

If these are things that are bothering you, you really should be bringing these up with him, and if the two of you can't work out some reasonable compromise, and you feel like your needs in the relationship are not being met, then maybe it is time to consider moving on.

[annie24]

Like Lady said - there is no list of "good reasons" to break up with someone. It's all about how you feel. If you can't date any man whose name is Steve, well, that's your perogative.

 

That said, if he is making you feel like you are #27 on his list of priorities, right after doing the laundry, then yes, it may be time to have a talk with him. Is he meeting these girls in person on myspace, or is he just having fun?

 

If you feel that things aren't right between you two any more, then talk to him so you guys can work things out, or break up with him and move on to the next guy. Good luck.

[gradle]

i think you should talk to him, give him a chance to fix some of the things, sometimes people are a lot less attentive then their partners for no good reason, sometimes they need a good kick in the butt to get things right...i'm sure if you discuss some of the issues (especially the smaller ones) he would understand... just try to stay calm and try and understand him too. but if you really think those are deal breakers and you just don't care for him anymore...then maybe it's time to call it quits?

[Strandysmommy]

Eek, I have Myspace! I hope he's not one of my friends...and if he is, hey, I am happily taken! You could get Myspace too, see what he's on there for. There's a place you look to see if they're there for friends, networking, dating etc...also there's a place to put your relationship status. NOT SUGGESTING YOU SNOOP. That's a no no.

 

Outside of that, he cannot help his school schedeule, this I realize...the volleyball stuff, well that's not year round either. But the bottom line is, you need to talk to him about it, as everyone here has said. You need to let him know in a gentle manner that you're not feeling happy with the way things are going. Make sure he knows that you know that somethings cannot be helped, like the school and whatnot. But let him know that you miss him, and really like to be with him.

 

How long have you two been together? Were you dating before he got so busy and such? Was there a big sudden change or was it gradual? I wouldn't end it now, just see how he reacts to some FRIENDLY, GENTLE discussion.

[freedom]

truth is alway the best when it ome to break up...

even if you are attracted to him any more, it is best to says so.

hope ting work out with you

[dustinthewind]

hey everyone

 

thanks so much for your thought-prokoking and insightful replies. They really helped me think about what I want and what I need to do.

 

Me and my bf have been together for 8 months, and like a few of you mentioned, there are MANY MANY good things about him, and us being together.

 

I guess this is just a small bump in the road for me, as I am feeling lonely that I am not seeing him as much as I used to, or want to....and because of that, I guess I am just sort of looking for things that are also wrong in our relationship. Which is not fair at all.

 

He does treat me with respect and compassion. And although he doesn;t really do many sweet little gestures....he does his best to look after me, for example, he worked out how much I need to save this summer for my tuition, and presented me with a geeky little month by month chart (kinda cute in a dorky way

 

I think the biggest issue is the MYSPACE thing...i dont like him meeting girls online and really see no point in him doing that. I wish that he would just stop on his own, as I dont really want to have to ASK him to stop....or give him some sort of ultimatium...it almost seems like common sense...u are in a realtionship, dont meet other girls online...but...i dunno. I guess I might have to talk to him about it, I just dont want to drive him away, but I know that I am not happy with him doing that...it makes me question his loyalty.

 

anwyas. once again thanks so much for your replies

[RayKay]

It's all about how you feel, really.

 

There are some people who say that "anything is livable and the only reason to break up with someone is if they are cheating". Personally I think usually these people (at least those I have met) are settling and in some pretty miserable relationships from what I have seen. Others have insanely strict "rules" and often find themselves single and unhappy as they forgot somewhere that to get rewards, you must take risks and open your heart to love. I think I am somewhere in the middle - where you know is someone is right for you, and you have a healthy, reciprocal, respectful, mutually satisfying and loving relationship with great communication and emotional fulfillment.

 

Personally I feel that if you have tried to address the problems, and they are still there and your partner seems unwilling to address them and work on them, and you continue to be unhappy it is okay to leave. Only once you have given it your attention and work though. Otherwise I think if we keep giving excuses for their lack of attention etc, then eventually we settle for less and less until our self esteem is shot and we honestly don't believe there IS better.

 

We all get busy, but when we love someone we still make time for them. It sounds like he does do some gestures that are considerate - remember there is more to being "generous" then monetary gifts. To him that chart was probably a great gesture! It seems to me your concern lies more in what he chooses besides spending time with you (ie out with friends) and the myspace thing (I know how you feel, I don't like that site myself). I really think you CAN bring it up without making it an ultimatum. Try this:

 

"Maybe it's strange, but knowing you are on Myspace sometimes makes me feel very uncomfortable. I don't know much about the community, but the impression I get from other friends is that it is an online dating service, and that is why I feel odd sometimes knowing you are talking to people on there as I don't know THEIR intentions. Maybe you could tell me some more about it?"

 

It is not attacking, but does open up the lines of communication and tells him that it makes you feel nervous and gives him opportunity to provide an answer (he really may not see it the way you do but gives him chance too).

[chai714]

Right now, you're in the stage of deciding what you want (a breakup). Next, you'll find a reason that sounds good to you (and that will make you feel good about yourself) , rationalize it, and then execute your plan of action.

 

What is a good reason to break up? Whatever you decide is a good reason. Either way, you'll rationalize it so that you feel good about your decision. What I'm saying is that you don't need a good reason to end things, because you'll do it regardless - even if you have a bad reason for ending things.

[jenrob]

For the most part I would say you were a little clingy. I know most men hate that in a woman. Men want their time alone and to be with friends and doing things on their own. I am in a relationship that is quite the opposite. She wants time alone all the time, and I want to be with her. My phychologist said if we can't agree on acceptable amounts of together time then we may not be a good match. Give your bf space, get involved with other things. Let hm come to you! If he doesn't then you will know he is not right for you. You have to have your needs filled also!

 

jenrob

[Drizown]

Oh sure, they say they're busy. They say that they didn't have even a moment in their insanely busy day to pick up the phone. It was just that crazy. Bull S. With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing it is almost impossible not to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don't even mean to. They may try to make you think differentley, but men are just like us. They like taking a break from their generally mundane day to talk to someone they like. If he was into you, you would be the bright spot in his horribly busy day. Which would be a day that he would never be too busy to call you.

 

The big question here is, "Is it okay for a guy to forget to call me?" I'm saying to you no. Barring disaster-- someone had to be rushed to the hospital, he was just fired from his job, someone keyed his Ferrari (kidding)-- he should never forget to call you (obviously there are exceptions but dont mistake exceptions for excuses). If he likes you he wont forget to call u.

 

We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don't mean. We make promises we don't keep. "I'll call you," "Let's Get Together." We know we won't. On the human interaction stock exchange our words have lost almost all their value. And the spiral continues, as we now dont even expect people to keep their word; in fact we might even be embarrassed to point out the dirty liar that they never dd what they said they'd do. So if a guy ur dating doesn't call when he says he's going to, why should that be such a big deal? Because you should be dating a m an who's at least as good as his word.

 

I'm about to make a wild, extreme, and severe relationship rule: The word "busy" is a load of crap and is most often used by a holes. The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact, in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want.

 

So remember:

 

If he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind.

 

If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings or needs.