it hurts

[blackmirror]

It has been three months since my ex and I broke up. The breakup happened abruptly without any clear reason. I woke up one day to find myself blocked after he had expressed his love and desire to build a future together the night before. We had been in a relationship for one year.

I chose not to reach out because it didn't make sense to me. I deleted all his contacts and tried to move on. The past month has been challenging, filled with ups and downs as I tried to convince myself that we were over. However, one lingering aspect remained – I had loaned him money, and he hadn't repaid it.

Feeling a need for closure, I decided to address the financial matter yesterday. I reached out to him, and he responded, assuring me that he would send the money back as soon as possible. I thanked him, but after that interaction, I couldn't help but feel hurt. It made me realize that I still care for him, and I wished he would open up about why he left, especially when everything seemed to be falling into place for us. We had even made plans to get married this year.

I find myself questioning whether my decision not to inquire about why he left was the right one. It leaves me torn between what's right and wrong. I believe that if someone genuinely loves you, they wouldn't simply disappear after expressing their love. It's a perplexing situation, and I'm grappling with the uncertainty of whether I made the correct choice in not seeking an explanation for his departure

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, blackmirror said:

if someone genuinely loves you, they wouldn't simply disappear

You're right, they wouldn't.

What sort of explanation would make you feel better?

I'm sorry about the pain you're in. But asking him for an explanation would undo all of the progress you have made. 

Keep it business. Let him know how he can repay you and leave it at that. 

[MissCanuck]

6 minutes ago, blackmirror said:

I believe that if someone genuinely loves you, they wouldn't simply disappear after expressing their love.

I agree. 

I have a feeling there was something he wasn't being honest about, and before his world could blow up, he disappeared. Generally when someone makes such an abrupt departure like he did and blocks you everyhwere, it's because they're hiding something. 

As such, even if you asked him what the hell happened, you likely would not have gotten a totally honest reply. I can understand why you would want to ask him about it, in any case. 

Had you seen any red flags at all leading up to this? Also, do you have it in writing anywhere that you lent him money? I rather doubt you will see it again, unfortunately. How much did you give him, and for what reason? 

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, blackmirror said:

 I woke up one day to find myself blocked after he had expressed his love and desire to build a future together the night before. We had been in a relationship for one year.I decided to address the financial matter yesterday. I reached out to him, and he responded, assuring me that he would send the money back as soon as possible.

Sorry this is happening.  Why did you lend him money?  How old is he? Does he work? Do you live in the same area? 

Why were you talking about marriage? How long after lending him money did he end things? What was happening before he blocked you? 

It seems like you dodged a bullet if he suddenly blocked you with no explanation. Hoping you get your money back. 

[blackmirror]

41 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You're right, they wouldn't.

What sort of explanation would make you feel better?

I'm sorry about the pain you're in. But asking him for an explanation would undo all of the progress you have made. 

Keep it business. Let him know how he can repay you and leave it at that. 

I sense that the anger I currently feel might subside if he were to explain why he left. However, deep down, I acknowledge that what happened has happened, and the possibility of us reconciling is unlikely. Despite the lingering emotions, I recognize the importance of moving forward and accepting the reality of the situation

[blackmirror]

40 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I agree. 

I have a feeling there was something he wasn't being honest about, and before his world could blow up, he disappeared. Generally when someone makes such an abrupt departure like he did and blocks you everyhwere, it's because they're hiding something. 

As such, even if you asked him what the hell happened, you likely would not have gotten a totally honest reply. I can understand why you would want to ask him about it, in any case. 

Had you seen any red flags at all leading up to this? Also, do you have it in writing anywhere that you lent him money? I rather doubt you will see it again, unfortunately. How much did you give him, and for what reason? 

I didn't see any clear red flags in our relationship, except for a decrease in communication from his side and maybe fewer dates. I thought that as we hit the one-year mark, the relationship might naturally require less effort. I always believed his words about loving me and working hard for a better relationship between us

[blackmirror]

44 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening.  Why did you lend him money?  How old is he? Does he work? Do you live in the same area? 

Why were you talking about marriage? How long after lending him money did he end things? What was happening before he blocked you? 

It seems like you dodged a bullet if he suddenly blocked you with no explanation. Hoping you get your money back. 

We are both in our early thirties, employed, and six months ago, I suggested helping him with his financial difficulties. Our discussions about marriage ensued as we realized our compatibility, and our families welcomed the idea. We began to seriously talk about the topic. I can assure you that our decision was not influenced by any fear of breaking up, and money was not a factor that made me feel used..

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, blackmirror said:

We are both in our early thirties, employed, and six months ago, I suggested helping him with his financial difficulties. Our discussions about marriage ensued as we realized our compatibility, and our families welcomed the idea. 

Why was he having financial difficulties? It seems he's not prepared for marriage if he's struggling financially. Do you make more than him? Why didn't he take a bank loan or turn to family and friends first? 

[smackie9]

My experience...when they do a 180, and no explanation...they cheated.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, blackmirror said:

... six months ago, I suggested helping him with his financial difficulties.

Congrats for being financially able to do that. Have you ever been positioned to accept financial help from a lover? If so, did you have any emotional feelings about this, and how long did it take before you started repaying the loan--and how long to pay it off?

Quote

Our discussions about marriage ensued as we realized our compatibility, and our families welcomed the idea. We began to seriously talk about the topic.

This was while BF was already indebted to you for the loan? Can you imagine the discomfort of receiving family accolades even while you are secretly (or otherwise) in financial straights and have not yet paid back a loan to your lover?

This family limelight may have caused BF to feel his financial distress under a magnifying glass, and he may have feared that family scrutiny was about to come. Especially if his problems are far worse than you have been informed.

Quote

I can assure you that our decision was not influenced by any fear of breaking up, and money was not a factor that made me feel used..

Understandably, you can only speak from your own perspective on the money. My guess is, finances have begun to feel like a noose to your BF, especially if he has not disclosed to you the full magnitude of his debts.

How much of this loan has he been able to repay to you in the last 6 months?

Practically speaking, I'd file a small claim with your local municipality. You're likely to be paid back in full before ever needing to enter the court. UNLESS he's unable to pay, which may answer your question as to how he perceives his suitability for marriage at this time.

Shame is the opposite of an aphrodisiac. My heart goes out to you.