The feeling of being inferior

[survivor2021]

 

To give you some context ( sorry it's going to be a bit long before I get to the point but it's necessary 😞 I'm a 26 years old man, who just moved to Germany for work, from a third world country. I grew up in a middle class family, with a bully middle brother, an over protective mother and a father who didn't want to take any part in resolving our conflicts.

I had lots of arguments with my brother who is controlling and wants to dominate and we rarely get along. I also have a sister who does nothing but studying. When I'm being scolded by my parents, they don't protect me or show me compassion, they just mind their business and will snitch right away.

One time, my brother read on my private messages that I'm swearing talking to a friend, and he got to my room and threatened to show it to my parents and didn't go out until I cried and begged him not to...

We never went on vacations, despite the fact that we could. We have a car and the money to do small stuff, but we never do it. I missed out going to trips with friends who invited me because of my paranoid overprotective mother, who always feels that something will go wrong.

Now, as you see, despite growing, I never got past this because these things still haunt me. Due to the fact that as a kid, I barely had experiences, always at home, and at school ( third world country, no clubs or interesting activities... ) busy getting good grades so my parents are satisfied...

Now when I sit with my coworkers, I feel the difference... They visited all kinds of countries, they have tons of things to talk about... Me ? I even lag behind people from my own home country.. I don't even know much about the other cities. When my friends sometimes go on vacation, check out other places, spend some family time, we are at home.. I never held a grudge because of that, but now I see how bad it can be.

My father turns out to be selfish, bragging about all the trips and how he visited the whole world with work, but he never tried to share that experience with us, because he wanted group and work travels where his company takes care of everything.. he went to visit a friend in Dubai, all by himself lately.

Also due to the bullying and feeling inferior to everyone at an early age, I find myself preferring to stay calm and listen in most conversations. I got better at university when I joined clubs and started to live by myself. I worked part time despite not having to, I kept focusing on academics and also improve my social skills.

It's on a different level now here that I moved abroad. The gap is huge. I feel stressed just sitting with the coworkers. I don't have anything to share about my own country, it's like I didn't really live for 26 years, most of that time was a blank. I might even add that I never really was in a relationship. I consider myself a looser in middle school and early high school. In university, I went on one date with a girl that I thought she liked me only for me to find out a week later that she has a boyfriend and was using me to pair up on tasks to get good grades.

With all that being said, I'm proud of myself and what I have achieved so far. I'm proud of fighting against this, taking the extremely tough decision to move abroad, proud of at least knowing where things are wrong and trying to work on it.. however, I still feel that I'm 'behind' most of the people around me.

[Batya33]

I would do something every single day that reflects getting out of your comfort zone and expanding your world.  And yes get over this blaming your parents stuff - you have no idea why they chose not to spend money on vacations or travel- or you likely do not know all of it.  Do you go to museums? Do volunteer work? Go on hikes with groups to new places? What do you do to explore your city? I'm 57 and our son is 14. 

We just took him out west for 9 days and at one of the hotels the fitness room was under renovation so I had to think outside the box and figure out how to get my power walk and work out in at sunrise which is when I have the time. I'd never been there in my life - didn't know my way around, it would be kind of dark still.  But I got out of my comfort zone, got a map even though I am bad at map reading and I made it happen. 

And it was great -a bit scary as there was a stray dog running around -but I got it done.  My parents never taught me how to do this - we took a very few vacations.  My first plane ride was 13 hours -on a teen tour - where I knew no one.  Had no clue how to do this and not from my parents either.  

At 23 I signed up for a grad school entrance exam - my parents were extremely supportive of my education but it was my decision 100%.  

 

I'd stop using the "gap" as an excuse and get to work.  What baby step can you take today?  Good luck!

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, survivor2021 said:

I'm proud of myself and what I have achieved so far. I'm proud of ... taking the extremely tough decision to move abroad...

Excellent! The problem with thrusting yourself into new worlds is that most people from a provincial background don't own the same courage or desire to join you there. So yes, the people you meet will be different, and you must decide whether you will capitalize on that to broaden your own future and learn from the people who can teach you to do that, OR, you can create a mental barrier against your goals by getting hung up on the limitations of your upbringing.

You may be surprised by the generosity of some people if, rather than trying to hide the gap in your experiences, you confide that you were raised provincially and would appreciate suggestions for ways to learn how to best operate socially in your new city. One place to start might be local librarians. Ask them for resources to help you acclimate and also for ways to locate a social network of people from your original country. Most foreigners were I live have tapped into a rich community from their own lands, and while at first the may take advantage to acclimate, in time they also volunteer to give help to the newer people who arrive in the area.

Head high, and don't sabotage your progress by focusing on stuff you can't change. Focus instead on where you want to go.

 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, survivor2021 said:

 I still feel that I'm 'behind' most of the people around me.

Keeping up with the Jones' is a fool's errand. So is sibling rivalry. It's like a dog chasing it's tail and leads to endless unhappiness and strife for no reason.  You'll never get anywhere that way. There will always be more and less fortunate people than you in the world.  Take pride in yourself and your own achievements. 

[LootieTootie]

As someone who grew up in a sheltered childhood, I can empathize with you. Of course I never had to worry about bullying from my siblings, and there was 9 of us, but my parents were overbearing! All my siblings, including me, have said they felt this "awkwardness, imposter or inferior" syndrome while in college. It also carries after college. Some of my siblings left college, and some left in their professional career - over this feeling they couldn't shake. All I can tell you is that I survived both and its because I did a lot of self pep-talks and forced myself to mingle. College became fun after I forced myself to join some clubs. Career-wise it was a bit harder but there were many times I was in a toxic work environments where I was subject to harassment, bullying and unethical work practices by bosses, but I always took the high road and that toughness and perseverance really comes from having a not so great upbringing and overbearing parents who taught me early on how to handle crazy authority figures with grace and dignity.

So even if you feel like you're socially behind, I assure you, you are not. You just have a different narrative than most people and you're blaming yourself for not being "interesting" enough for others. Just like you blame yourself for being "inferior" to others. You're not. You made it this far in life with a tough upbringing so give yourself credit. You're even aware of what your gaps are. So as Batya said, don't focus on your parents' shortcomings, focus on you. The gaps you have and what you need to do to close those gaps in your life. If you feel like you need a social life, then yes, find ways to join meetup groups that peak your interests. If you don't know what interests you're into, start somewhere and pick a random group around your age group. If you want to start dating so you have more experience in that, then start working on a dating profile. If you want to bond with your coworkers more, without having to talk to them, bring in a board game or play card with them. I had coworkers who played Mario cart on a projector screen during lunch just to bond. 

Any who, you have to stop thinking about the past. You have already recognized how your past has shaped you but you are not weak, not inferior, not interesting enough... You just need to be you and once you're you, accept you, own you, love you. Then figure out from there what's missing in your life and how to fix that.

[ShySoul]

You are not inferior, you are simply you. Every person has a different story to tell. Every person has different experiences. No one is superior or inferior to another just because of what those experiences are. I am a naturally shy and introverted person who finds more enjoyment staying in with a book and a tabletop game. I've only ever been to one foreign county. The one time I joined friends at a club I had a horrible night. When my co-workers talk about vacation trips, cruises, etc., I don't feel less then them because I know what they enjoy doing doesn't reflect upon me. They can be happy with their thing, I'll be happy with mine.

So the question is, what is your thing? What do YOU want to experience? What other people think doesn't matter, only what will make you feel happy. If you want to travel somwhere, then go there. If you want to try a hobby, a sport, a craft, anything... then try it. Figure out what sparks joy in your heart. And know you are not a loser. You are not inferior. You are the only you in this world, and you are special and unique for it. So be proud of yourself and live the life you want to live.