Girlfriend did something I don't know if I can get over.

[Sally .C.]

I didn't read most of the replies, but I'm going to borrow most of my answer from a movie called 'Chasing Amy', about a man who ruins his relationship with a woman over his inability to cope with her "promiscuous past.'

Your girlfriend was looking for something when she was intimate with other people, including the other woman. She didn't find what she was looking for in any of that. She found what she was looking for in you. That's why she's with you, and not her, or anyone else. 

She was single, presumably, and what she did before she met you is her own business, really. She got swept up in the moment maybe, a moment that doesn't define who she is any more than a single event in your life defines you. I'm sure if she knew you would be hung up over something she mentioned in an off-the-cuff manner over a year ago, she would have said it another way, or not at all.

I don't think you should end this. Talk to her. Tell her that it bothers you, while making it clear that your aren't upset with her (just because her past experiences don't align with yours, doesn't mean she did anything wrong), you just need her reassurance that you're what she really wants. I think that's the crux of it.

Anyway, good luck.

[Onion555]

4 minutes ago, Sally .C. said:

I didn't read most of the replies, but I'm going to borrow most of my answer from a movie called 'Chasing Amy', about a man who ruins his relationship with a woman over his inability to cope with her "promiscuous past.'

Your girlfriend was looking for something when she was intimate with other people, including the other woman. She didn't find what she was looking for in any of that. She found what she was looking for in you. That's why she's with you, and not her, or anyone else. 

She was single, presumably, and what she did before she met you is her own business, really. She got swept up in the moment maybe, a moment that doesn't define who she is any more than a single event in your life defines you. I'm sure if she knew you would be hung up over something she mentioned in an off-the-cuff manner over a year ago, she would have said it another way, or not at all.

I don't think you should end this. Talk to her. Tell her that it bothers you, while making it clear that your aren't upset with her (just because her past experiences don't align with yours, doesn't mean she did anything wrong), you just need her reassurance that you're what she really wants. I think that's the crux of it.

Anyway, good luck.

Great insight, thank you very much

[Onion555]

1 hour ago, Divorced_w_3 said:

He has morals? She was honest with him with who she was prior to their dating. Maybe she is the one with morals and he has the weak character and is going to take the terrible step of rubbing her nose in her vulnerability. 

I do have morals, dude. Counter productive to place a blame in a situation like this. Feelings are rarely black and white. Sometimes it can be hard to tell what you actually want. I'm human and  still figuring things out. I have never cared for someone as much as her. Hence why I didn't realize i should take that as a red flag.

When I first heard about it, it sort of bothered me, but i was able to change my focus and not care. But now that we are super close and I have very strong feelings for her, it does bother me. I did not know in the beginning that it would bother me this much.

If I did. I would have handled our relationship very differently in the beginning. 

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, Onion555 said:

I do have morals, dude. Counter productive to place a blame in a situation like this. Feelings are rarely black and white. 

This is true. However this really isn't about "morals". It's about personal preferences, tastes, compatibility and chemistry. If you have a gut reaction to something you'll have to trust your instincts.

There's no right or wrong here. Either something turns your stomach or it doesn't. In this case you like this woman, but something about her disclosures turns you off. Frankly it may be better to set yourselves free. 

[Onion555]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is true. However this really isn't about "morals". It's about personal preferences, tastes, compatibility and chemistry. If you have a gut reaction to something you'll have to trust your instincts.

There's no right or wrong here. Either something turns your stomach or it doesn't. In this case you like this woman, but something about her disclosures turns you off. Frankly it may be better to set yourselves free. 

Thanks man, I appreciate the advice a lot. Unfortunately I think you are right 

[Tinydance]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is true. However this really isn't about "morals". It's about personal preferences, tastes, compatibility and chemistry. If you have a gut reaction to something you'll have to trust your instincts.

There's no right or wrong here. Either something turns your stomach or it doesn't. In this case you like this woman, but something about her disclosures turns you off. Frankly it may be better to set yourselves free. 

Well look, people can have feelings and beliefs about anything. Unless they're very extremist it doesn't mean they're wrong. For example, some people are vegetarian and vegan and they only want a partner who is also a vegetarian or vegan. Those people strongly believe that it's the right thing to do to be vegan. But others don't think so and eat meat. 

You feel strongly uncomfortable about what your girlfriend did and that also she's bisexual. Her being bisexual will never change. The fact she hooked up with her friend's mother will also never change. If you can't accept it then don't be with her.

I've done sexually adventurous things and I'm bisexual and my partners knew about it. They were fine with it so on my end I actually want to be with people who accept it. You've been with your girlfriend for a year but you never accepted it. So it's not really fair to you or her because obviously she doesn't want a partner who has a problem with her sexuality or past.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

So it's not really fair to you or her because obviously she doesn't want a partner who has a problem with her sexuality or past.

And she also wants a partner who is comfortable with her sharing details about her sexual experiences.  He is not..

[smackie9]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

And she also wants a partner who is comfortable with her sharing details about her sexual experiences.  He is not..

This ^^^100%.

I'm an old lady and I had my fair share of "over looking" what I would consider a deal breaker because I really liked or loved that person. I tell you this, in the end it never works out. That is what I have learned. Your perspectives of what is ok or not are way too far apart.

[Onion555]

11 hours ago, smackie9 said:

This ^^^100%.

I'm an old lady and I had my fair share of "over looking" what I would consider a deal breaker because I really liked or loved that person. I tell you this, in the end it never works out. That is what I have learned. Your perspectives of what is ok or not are way too far apart.

Thank you so much for this advice. As simple as it is, it's very helpful and insightful. I believe you are right. I love her, truly. but I do think our values on a lot of stuff, more than just this instance are too different