My boyfriend/his best friend

[longeel93]

I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and I've recently met his friends. By the time they arrived, I was already quite drunk due to the nature of the evening and my nerves around meeting new people. This ultimately led to me staring at his best friend. Whilst I admit he was attractive, I had no real interest in him, and was trying to overcompensate for my social anxiety by being too attentive, thus revealing my attraction towards him. The next morning, I woke up, having had an explicit dream about the friend. I took a 6 hour train journey back home, as planned, and immediately broke down when I arrived. I caved in and told my boyfriend about the dream. He said he'd noticed me looking at his friend, but that it's normal to be attracted to other people. I've struggled with intrusive thoughts since the onset of my OCD roughly 3 years ago, which essentially left me questioning whether I should be with his friend. I gave him some space and told him about this a few days later. Thoughts of his friend have taken over my life in the few days since then, but I cannot tell whether I have genuine feelings for him or if it's my brain convincing me that's how I feel. Either way, I told my boyfriend this, and he was very reasonably upset, urging someone unbiased and unrelated to give their insight instead of us going around in circles. Ultimately, I still love him, but I'm confused about my feelings for his friend, and I'd like some advice about where to go from here. Thanks.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, longeel93 said:

 I've struggled with intrusive thoughts since the onset of my OCD roughly 3 years ago, which essentially left me questioning whether I should be with his friend. 

Sorry this is happening. Your BF seems quite rational and understanding. It's ok to find others attractive.

However having intrusive thoughts and thinking you "should be with the friend", seems like the OCD is an issue.

Please see your physician and therapist to review your feelings and symptoms. Sometimes mental health conditions need to be reassessed in order to fine-tune treatment. 

[MissCanuck]

41 minutes ago, longeel93 said:

I've struggled with intrusive thoughts since the onset of my OCD roughly 3 years ago

Have you had any treatment for this?

It seems to be the source of your current distress. Finding someone attractive is normal, but this is more concerning. These sorts of thoughts are now threatening your relationship, which warrants professional consideration. 

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, longeel93 said:

I was already quite drunk due to the nature of the evening and my nerves around meeting new people. This ultimately led to me staring at his best friend. Whilst I admit he was attractive, I had no real interest in him, and was trying to overcompensate for my social anxiety by being too attentive,

If I'm reading this correctly, you drink to loosen yourself up socially since when you're not drunk, you feel socially inept. When you drink to fix some problem, or because you perceive it will, that's a great reason to stop because alcohol exacerbates problems instead of fixing them. I know because alcoholism runs rampant on one side of my family and ruined many years of several relatives lives. Fortunately, all but one is now sober and every single one of them is 100 percent happier being sober.

Alcohol makes you act inappropriately, as in how it changed your behavior for the worst. Another sign you should swear off the stuff.

Your other mistake is having no filter for what you tell your boyfriend. It's not lying to keep what he shouldn't know--things that can be fixed and aren't necessarily unethical--that he now has ingrained on his brain. With proper behavior and changing your thought processes about his friend, this all might've blown over when you realized your thinking was temporarily skewed and you were being silly. Now, you've created drama over nonsense and he will likely not be comfortable inviting his friend around you. He might even decide you're too flaky to be his gf.

Your fixation on his friend, whom you've known for minutes, is not within the realm of normal thoughts. It's a good time to seek therapy, and if you're truly sorry for your inappropriateness, you'll avoid alcohol. That's what someone who cares about themselves and others would do in this sort of situation. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[shouldhavelearned]

Don't drink at all if possible. 

If you do, make it minimal.

Read some books, find help, and deal with the OCD 

[Tinydance]

I'm sorry you are struggling with OCD. Are you receiving therapy or any other treatments for it? I understand why you were anxious to meet your boyfriend's friends. But to be honest I really don't understand why you acted the way you did.

Initially you didn't really do anything wrong. Maybe you were giving the friend some attention but doesn't sound like you were actually hitting on him and nothing at all happened. Yes you had the romantic/sexual dream about him but that dream was in your own head. So your boyfriend didn't know you were into his friend. So why would you go and tell him about the dream and that you found the friend attractive?

You were with your boyfriend for nearly a year but you met the friend for one night. You were also pretty drunk. Have you ever heard of beer goggles? You're willing to jeopardise a relationship of one year for a stranger you just briefly met. And maybe you didn't even get the right impression of him because you were drunk.

Also even if you did have feelings or crush for his friend,  what do you think was going to happen? You have no idea if he feels the same. Also if he's a good friend then he wouldn't go after his friend's girlfriend. So basically your chance with his friend is very likely zero. Yet you want to just tell your boyfriend everything and give him space, for what? Some guy you'll never be with? I think you really have your priorities all wrong.

Honesty isn't always the best policy. That's why people don't usually like people who are blunt. You don't need to say literally everything you think in your head. 

There is also that saying: "A bird in the hand is better than two in the bush". In other words, you've already got something so why lose it over something that's still out there and you don't know if you can have? You behaved very strangely in my opinion. Unless you're not actually that into your boyfriend and you were looking for a way out.

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, longeel93 said:

 Ultimately, I still love him, but I'm confused about my feelings for his friend, and I'd like some advice about where to go from here.

You can't undrink whatever you drank, unsay whatever you said or undream whatever you dreamt. So you'll have to start with where you are now. What you can do is get help for the OCD. Your BF is trying to be supportive but you're being irrational. 

[Kwothe28]

So youve been with a boyfriend for a year? Got drunk and met best friends? And now you are questioning if you like his best friend and if you want to be with him?

OCD or not, you do know that what you do is actually not something you should do as a girlfriend? From getting wasted before meeting his friends(leaves the wrong impression) to meeting his friend once and now wanting to be with him. Actually the second one is quite insane. Its normal that you find somebody attractive. But you are with somebody for a year. And now you are wondering if you should leave him for his friend. Who you met once. I dunno how old are you. But you are lucky your boyfriend is understanding and didnt left you on the spot. 

[smackie9]

OCD left untreated will only get worse because you are without the coping skills to control it. Therapy...the proper therapy will help you maintain it. If you don't your it will take over your life and won't be able to make proper decisions in turn will destroy relationships, , can't keep a job, etc. You will really go downhill.

[BunnyGirlR]

It's actually quite straightforward once you realize that love and sexual attraction are not the same thing. You love your bf, that's not in doubt. But also you like the idea of having sex with this other guy. Not for love, just for fun. Don't feel bad about that. It's perfectly normal and not something to beat yourself up over. Of course acting on that desire would cause a lot of issues. But having the desire isn't in itself something bad.